Ask Demetria: "My Mother is Ruining My Relationship"

 

Dear Demetria:

I’m 29 and live at home. I’m trying to move this year. I spend each weekend at my boyfriend’s apartment. Recently he asked me to stay an extra night because he was sick. I told my mother, and she said ‘Come home,’ adding that if he was sick, he could call 911 if needed. My boyfriend was mad and said she is controlling (she is) and maybe I am not serious/wife potential. How do I deal with both people? —Anonymous

Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do about this situation while you’re living at home. I’m sure you have your reasons for being there, since most people would not want to live with their parents at your age. Maybe you’re in school or you returned home to save money to buy a place, or you live in a very expensive city and your budget doesn’t allow for you to rent a place of your own. Whatever the reason, you’re (back?) in the nest. And when you’re in the nest, you have to abide by the rules of the owner: your mom.

You, your man and I all agree: Your mother is controlling. She gets to be because, whether you’re paying bills or not, you live in her house and she gets to pull the “Not in this house you won’t” or “My house, my rules” cards at her leisure. And clearly she does, at will. As long as you’re in her house, you have to play by her rules. Period.

There’s only one queen per castle. You want to do what you want when you want and not have to hear your mother’s mouth about it? You need your own place so you can go about as you please, without your mother knowing, worrying or commenting. That includes going to your boyfriend’s house and staying as long as you want, or at least as long as he wants you there.

Until you’re able to move, you can try talking to your mother about loosening the reins a bit, but given that she’s still bossing you around at 29 because she can, unfortunately, I don’t see that conversation going so well. You need to move sooner rather than later.

About your boyfriend: I would have preferred he worded his sentiments about you and your mother less bluntly, but perhaps he said it the way he did to get through to you quickly. You should read between the lines of what he’s saying: “I’m beginning to rethink this relationship.”

It’s not so much living at home that’s an issue as it is you, at 29, being unable to call the shots on your own life. He asks you to stay another night, you agree, then you call your mother and suddenly you’re packing your bags and headed home. Your mother is dictating the terms of this relationship, not the two people actually in it. That’s a problem.

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Ask Demetria: My Girlfriend Doesn't Measure Up to My Friends. Should I Bounce?

 

Dear Demetria:

My girlfriend is 29, working at a call center, in school for her bachelor’s degree and living with her parents. Sadly, she’s a late bloomer. While I wish she was more established, I’m OK. My mother, though, thinks I’m settling. I love my girl, but my circle includes doctors, attorneys, public relations executives, MBAs, etc. I don’t think my girlfriend fits in. Is it wrong to explore options? —Anonymous

It’s not wrong or right to explore other options, as long as you break up with her and don’t cheat on her. If you’re in a relationship and not satisfied, by all means, go find what makes you happy.

But before you do that, you need to figure out what you want and what matters to you, which I’m not sure you are clear about just yet. You wrote that you didn’t care that your girlfriend is a “late bloomer,” but then you quickly added what your mother thinks about her and how your girlfriend doesn’t fit in with your friends. Does your mom and what looks good in your circle matter more than your love for your woman? Maybe so. But be honest about that and don’t blame your girlfriend because you value your mother’s opinion and care more about your friends than you do the person you’re with.

It really sounds as if you’re more interested in a good look than a good woman. If that’s what’s more important to you, so be it. But take ownership of that and don’t put your girlfriend down for not meeting your new expectations. It’s not as if she’s a slouch. She’s working, at least part time, and in school. She’s 29 and making the sacrifice—because it’s a rare American adult who really wants to live at home with his or her parents and under their rules—in order to get where she wants to be in the future. You seem unwilling to wait or support her while she’s putting in the effort to build herself up. That’s your choice. But be mindful not to blame her for that, as if she’s done something wrong here.

I’ll also warn you to be careful what you ask for. There are good people with sexy jobs, and you can find a great woman with a more alluring job title that will impress your friends and mother. But do know that good people at any station in life are hard to come by. Replacing your girlfriend with someone else you fall in love with is entirely possible, but it won’t be as simple as you think, mostly because, well, to be frank, your mom is too involved in your relationships and you seem insecure about your place in the world.

That professional woman who has it all together? She’s not going to deal very long with a guy who comes to her with “Well, my mama thinks ... ” That gets old real quick. And whatever new woman you find, if you keep the outlook about her having to fit in with your friends, she’s never going to live up to what you want in the long run. They’re going to move up in their careers. What if she doesn’t move up as fast? Does she go by the wayside, too?

And what if she’s a high-powered attorney who gets burned out and wants to try something less demanding? Does she get dismissed, too? What if the new woman outearns and has more degrees than everyone in your circle, but your mom and friends still don’t like her? Does she go, too?

What we’re really talking about is your insecurities. You want a girlfriend with some “oomph” because it makes you think you’re hotter and will compensate for your own perceived deficits.

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AskFM UPDATE (Again): The (Almost) Complete #BCPills Saga

 

‪‪This the latest update in the ongoing saga that AskFM and Twitter users have deemed, aptly, #BCPills.

A quick recap if this is your introduction to this year-plus long saga:

Guy is paying for BC pills for his lady, discovers she isn’t taking them. Confronts her. She’s four months pregnant. It all goes downhill from there.

You can read the first part of the story: HERE. (Get comfortable. It’s long.)

So.

I haven't heard from #BCPills in a long time. I was launching a book and planning a wedding, so that would easily explain it, I guess. I also haven't had insomnia in a while and haven't been up late, the time when we usually chatted on Twitter.

The last time he shared his life with me (aka us), he and his child's mom had been in a physical altercation after she spit on him twice and he slapped her. He went to jail for a couple weeks for that one. When he got out, he told me his plan was to get full custody of his child for what I think should be obvious reasons to anyone whose followed this story.

Today, I received an email from his sister:

I’m writing you as a favor for my Big brother [redacted]. I’m not sure if you were aware that his court date was Monday.

Things didn’t go as we all would have liked them to. [Redacted] has to do 18 months. He has been charged with domestic violence, resisting arrest, threating/assaulting an officer and disorderly conduct or something like that, still not too sure.

He wants you to know he’s ok and to keep him in your prayers.

 I know my big brother. A lot of the stuff they charged him with is bogus.  He doesn’t bother anybody unless you bother him first. Come on now a black man threating the police? Yeah, right. Or how about him trying to throw his baby mama over the railing. Big lie! 

I don't know what to say at this point, other than he, his family, and his daughter are in my prayers.

August 27, 2014

Also, before you dive in to the latest update, you should know (full disclosure): that I’ve stayed in touch with the guy in question over the last year. We follow each other on social media, and you might have seen us late-night chatting about absolutely everything and nothing over the last few months. I have insomnia and he’s up in the middle of the night feeding his daughter, so there we are.

I “know” him to be a nice guy, one that a few readers have inquired about (to date him) after watching our interactions. I’m very sad about the most recent turn this story has taken, and quite worried about him.

A few days ago, I realized I hadn’t heard from him in a while. When I’m on Twitter, we usually chat throughout the day. I wondered what he was up to in passing, then forgot about it. Yesterday, I got an explanation from the mother of his child:

I know i'm probably the last person you want to hear from and you might not think much of me or think I deserve [redacted], especially the way I stop taking my pills. But I promise I really do love him. I ain't too good at asking for help, but I'm asking cause I might [have] just blew my last shot with him‬

I think this time he is not going to take me back I just need a little advice cause I’m going crazy and I don’t have nobody to talk to [a]bout this. I do love him.

I know I can get wild and go crazy but I'm working on my attitude for real, not just for us, but for our baby. The other week we got into and the lady next door call[ed] the police. They had already said if they come back somebody going to jail.

But I hid his key [because] he’s always trying walk off‬, not talk shit out. I can't stand that and he know that and he still be doing that. So I pushed him and called him a f--k n---a. He push me too.  My push ain’t hurt him so he shouldn't even [push] me back. I ain’t going to lie. When I get mad, I act the fool so I spit in his face and he slap me. When the police came back‬  ‪they wasn't trying to hear nothing by him and we both was going to jail. But he say he hit me and I did nothing so now he got to do an automatic 21 days for DV. He ain't call me yet. I told his ma to tell him I put money on my phone and he aint call yet‬

Why in the world would he call you? No, really? YOU SPIT ON HIM!!!!!

And if I recall, this is the second time you've gone crazy, at least that I know of. Didn't you scratch up his face or neck a few months ago?

So what you don't get your way. So what you're mad. So what you're hurt. F--king deal!!! That doesn't give you the right to spit, or push, or scratch up anyone.

You, ma'am need serious professional help. The father of your child, the man with the good job who pays for everything? He's locked up over you acting a plumb fool AGAIN cause you can't act like a civilized adult and want to put your hands on people. And even after all that wild sh-- you did, he took the blame so your simple self wouldn't go to jail and could stay with ether baby. Are you happy now? ‪

You don't need to be with anyone, certainly not him.

The child is a blessing, but it's so unfortunate that he has that child with you. I'm sick of you creating constant drama and acting a fool and playing the “l'm a victim" and "but I love him". From the time you got pregnant on purpose when you knew he didn't want kids, you've been on a non-stop mission to ruin this man's life. STOP IT. He had sense enough to leave you. LET HIM GO!!!!

You need help so you can stop hurting other people with your own hurt.

I'm disgusted by this whole saga.

I wasn’t the only one. Readers quickly responded to this update. This about sums up the sentiment:

‪Re ratchet spitter: Ratchet Nation at its (un) fineness.... O_o this has to be someone re-enacting something from a VH1 shows. Please tell me this isn't real. The logic is ALL off.‬

I wish. These two have been writing in for a year.

And then she was back:

Ratchet? Sorry, hunty, far from it. Like I said, he was the first one to get in his feelings cause he know he was dead ass wrong for having my baby around the next chick. Let him catch some other n---a holding my baby he will be pissed off‬

Ma'am. YOU SPIT ON SOMEONE. Whether you are ratchet or not isn't up for discussion.

If you're looking for my approval, you won't get it. I'm appalled by your REPEATED behavior.

If I got a problem he do too. Your lady talking to you, you don’t just cut her off talking, “miss [me] with the bullsh—“ and hollering [a]bout you ain’t in the mood to talk. All I ask him was one simple question, “is he and his friend fucking?” He the one got all raw raw and swole up and got a attitude‬

But you're not ratchet?

Ma'am.

‪But anyway, I am done with this. I don't care if his ass don't ever call, but I bet you he won’t have my baby around her or anybody else without child support telling him he can’t see [her]. Believe that. Have a good night‬

I say this with all due respect: you're a bird. Like... I can't even believe what I'm reading in your responses. Your logic is so far off from what's sensible and normal and you don't even know. You even feel justified in your shenanigans.

You spit on him. He's locked up. And you think this is justifiable because he didn't want to be with you. GROW UP, DAMMIT!!!!!

‪Ever since that b---h got out of the army, he been sh--tting on me for her. E very time she call, he jumping. She need a ride, he break his neck to give it. My starter been gone on my car for 2 months, he ain’t fix it yet. I'm the one that got his baby not her. And you play me to the right? You damn right Imma‬ trip. How would you feel if your n---a and his ex slash best friend chilling all up at the park with your baby and her nephew? That shit will look suspect to you too. So hell yeah, I flip. Any woman will. Got this h-- breathing all over [my baby]. So girl, bye. Miss me with all the “oh, I’m drama” sh--.  Whatever, girl. Bye‬

Your starter isn't his responsibility. It's YOUR responsibility. Even if it was, how's it getting fixed now? He just got locked up for 3 weeks. His job is a wrap. With what money is paying for you or your kid?

You see the father of your child moving on, and I'm sure that hurts. You tried to trap him with a kid and he's still not staying. That's gotta hurt. But nothing about the way you're responding to this is acceptable behavior. I don't know what you've seen in life or why you think it is, but it absolutely is not.

You have his baby. You do know that "baby mama" doesn't trump anyone right? Wife does. GF does. There's a reason the title BM only refers to the relationship to the child and not the other adult. It holds very little weight.

Yeah, so no. I get why you're mad. But in NO WAY WHATSOEVER does that justify stealing his keys so he can't leave, or pushing him or spitting on him. YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. You don't get to push people and dictate how they respond. And you don't get to spit on anyone and say it's wrong when you get hit.

Your child's father is moving on. It hurts to be rejected. But from Day One with this kid you've bad decision after bad decision, from throwing out the BC Pills and tricking him with a baby to the time you were tagging him on FB to the other time when you scratched him up.

Ya'll don't need to be together. It's best that he go. He needs someone else and you need anger management. NO ONE SANE is going to put up with your out of control sh--. And the next dude you try that spitting ish on might just Ray Rice you.

And I'm not looking for approval all I'm saying is he is in the wrong to bending over backwards for a chick that aint’ [his]  baby mama, then trying be raw raw on me. If that aint suspect… Aint you going to be mad too? Before she got back, it was all “let’s make this work for the baby”. Now it’s “f--k me” I see‬

Let's make this work isn't a commitment. He's moving on. That's no excuse for you to flip put. NONE. I'm baffled how you feel justified here. You are dead wrong.

‪I don’t know why you get all bitchy with me like it’s all my fault. As good as a read you are, I’mma show you saw where I said I'm not the one that called the police, the neighbors did, and where I said he push me too. So don’t try to play me off like I'm some ratchet chick cause that aint me at all‬”

YOU SPIT ON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. That is the very definition of ratchet.

He pushed you AFTER you pushed him and after you hid his keys so he couldn't leave. <<< that's your version of events.

Should he have pushed you BACK? No. Everyone should keep their hands to themselves, including you. That said, you don't get to put your hands on people, then dictate how they respond to you. You pushed and got pushed. You don't want people touching you, don't give them a PRIME REASON for doing it.

So you have no issues with this bitch trying to destroy my family? I see you like everybody else. You want to see me hurt. You want to break me down. You want to see me cry. But guess what? I’m strong. Yeah, I cried last night but I'm back up‬

Your constant victimization is killing me. It's not everyone else causing problems, ITS YOU!!!

Explain why anyone should root for you right now. Like, really. EXPLAIN!!! You tricked him into getting you pregnant, you acted a plumb fool on social media while pregnant, you scratched up his face once before and now you're hiding keys, pushing and spitting on folks. HELL NO!!! NO ONE with any sense is rooting for ya'll to work.

And if you think he's even considering a relationship with you after getting locked up over your silly shenanigans, you're nuts. You did this to yourself, hon.