Ask Demetria: Should I Meet Up With An Abusive Ex Who Owes Me Money?

Dear Demetria:

"A guy I was in an abusive relationship with owes me money. We lived together and he didn't uphold his part of the bills. We got evicted. He says that he will pay back the money, but only if I see/meet up with him. What are your thoughts? (He owes thousands.)" —Anonymous

The money isn’t worth meeting up with him. If he really wanted to do the right thing, he wouldn’t hold stipulations over your head for him to do it. He knows he was wrong for not paying the bills over time (and it was a long time, because a landlord has to get a court order to have someone evicted, and that’s not a simple or short process). And he knows he owes you money. If he only wanted you to have the money and just wanted to be an upstanding guy on the back end, he would put a check or money order in the mail, send the money via PayPal or transfer it to your account.

He’s still playing games with you. Saying he’ll only do X if you do Y is just another way to manipulate and control you, which I’m sure he made a habit of doing throughout the abusive relationship.

But I get why you may want to meet with him. “Thousands” of dollars is nothing to scoff at, and if the situation got to the point where you were evicted, you didn’t have the funds to cover the bills on your own. I’m guessing that you spent what you had to stay in your place and came up short. And if you were evicted, you need the money he owes to get back on your feet. You probably also still care about him, despite the abuse.

Your best course of action is to gather what evidence you have that he owes you money and take him to small-claims court. If you insist on meeting up with him—and I do not suggest that you do—it needs to be in a public place (like a police station). And take with you the biggest man you have in your life—someone who will intimidate your ex and make him think twice about being abusive.

Under no circumstances should you meet with your ex alone. Again, to be clear, I prefer that you not go. Your safety is worth more than the money.

If it sounds as if I’m making a big deal about this meet-up, it’s because I am. At best, you’ll meet up with him and he’ll try to sweet-talk you into reigniting the relationship. Maybe he’ll apologize to you. And just maybe you’ll actually get the money he owes. At worst, he’ll become abusive during the encounter.

The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves it. In domestic-abuse cases, 70 percent of the violence happens after the woman leaves the relationship. A friend shared with me something that happened to a friend of hers: “The guy asked to see her to talk. He shot her four times, then killed himself,” she said. “Thank God she survived.”

Read the full story on The Root

The Root: Janay Rice & Mama Candy Are Living In Denial

On the heels of a tell-all interview with ESPN published Friday, in which Janay Rice spoke for the first time about the night her then-fiance, Ray Rice, knocked her unconscious in an elevator, Janay and her mother, Candy Palmer, sat for a two-part interview with the Today show’s Matt Lauer yesterday morning and today. (Ray Rice put in an appearance toward the end.)

The interviews are an attempt to redeem Ray Rice, especially now that he is eligible to play in the NFL again. There’s never been a question about his talent, but in the court of public opinion, he’s persona non grata, a public relations nightmare.

The Rices and Mama Candy are doing their best to revive Ray’s dream. There’s a part of me that appreciates the all-hands-on-deck effort here: the wife pleading for her husband’s redemption, the stern and protective mother-in-law vouching for her daughter’s version of events, and Ray’s near-begging humility. These are people who really care about one another. But they are also people who are in deep denial, and it would take a willful suspension of common sense to buy into their revisionist version of events.

I’ll skip what Janay told Lauer, since most of it was covered in the ESPN interview, and get right to Mama Candy. I get why Mom has been trotted out for the national stage. Mothers get the benefit of the doubt for being sensible and pulled together. And by showing her support for her daughter while in fired-up, protective mode, Mama Candy lets us know that someone seems to have Janay Rice’s back—so, you know, we can all stop being so concerned about Janay because Mom is there and holding things down.

Just as Janay did in her ESPN interview, Mama Candy reiterates that this punch was a one-and-done occurrence. “There is no next time,” she says adamantly. She adds that she didn’t raise “a young woman to be an abused woman.”

Um, OK.

The truth of the matter is, Mom knows only what her daughter tells her. Mom isn’t with the couple every day. So her denial about her daughter having been hit more than once, and her assurance that it won’t happen again, is unreliable. No matter how much Mom and Janay may deny it, I’m unconvinced that the very first time Ray Rice hit Janay just so happened to be a knockout blow caught on camera. You’re trying to tell me that there was no slapping, no spitting, in the seven years they were together before this, but this one time on Valentine’s Day weekend, it just happened, with no buildup whatsoever?

And while Mama Candy gets assertive with Lauer about what type of daughter she raised, I just want to tap her on the shoulder and ask, “But ma’am, did you see the tape?” I’ll never blame the mother’s parenting for what happened to Janay Rice. That responsibility rests solely on Ray, who, when he finally shows up in the interview, completely takes the blame. (“My wife is an angel,” he says. “She can do no wrong.”) But the woman Mama Candy raised is, in fact, an abused woman. There’s video footage of her being knocked out by her then-fiance.

Read more: here 

The Root: 7 (Outrageous) Details from Janay Rice's ESPN Tell-All Interview

 

“What the hell is Janay Palmer thinking?”

It was the question asked by nearly everyone who saw “that video,” the one that clearly showed Palmer’s then-fiance, former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, knocking her unconscious on an elevator, then dragging her limp body off it. She’d stayed with Rice after that, married him even. And she publicly apologized at a press conference and then publicly defended him when he was dropped by his team and indefinitely suspended by the NFL.

For domestic violence survivors it was textbook behavior. For those who had never been abused, it was baffling. Was she doing it for the money? Did she grow up in an abusive home and that this was normal? Was she a “classic victim” of domestic violence? How will she explain staying to her daughter someday?

These were just the start of the questions, and finally Janay Rice has publicly answered them (and more) in an interview with ESPN’s Jemele Hill, which was published on Nov. 28, preceding a much-hyped two-part TV interview with Today’s Matt Lauer, which airs Monday and Tuesday mornings this week.

There is no question about the timing of these print and TV interviews. On Friday, Ray Rice’s indefinite suspension from the NFL was overturned, making him eligible to play again. Rice—and his wife—are on a de facto apology tour to clean up Rice’s image and make him less of a PR nightmare to potentially interested NFL teams.

Janay Rice’s account to Hill doesn’t quite do the job in this sense, though she does try hard—too hard even. Many parts of her interview come across as too sanitized, too “handled” by a crisis manager that taught Janay Rice how to spin a story instead of telling it plain.

Janay Rice earnestly talks about her husband’s community service and the amount of counseling they received, She conveniently doesn’t recall what they fought over on the night that she was knocked out and says she was completely uninjured after receiving that blow to the face that left her unconscious. In fact, Janay Rice says she felt, “perfectly fine.” She might as well have said, “See my husband’s not a bad person, the punch didn’t even hurt.”

But even the neat version of Janay Rice’s story can’t cover up what she ultimately is: a domestic violence victim--though she doesn’t consider herself one--blaming herself and defending her abuser. She repeatedly talks about her bad attitude on the day she was knocked unconscious. She describes how she agitated Ray Rice by reaching for his phone and that’s why he spit on her, as if that is a reasonable response. She claims she’s never experienced domestic violence before (or since), but it took only hours for her to forgive her man, who she also never considered leaving.

Here are the top revelations from Janay Rice’s ESPN interview:

She doesn’t remember much.

Janay Rice: “We got into the elevator and what happened inside is still foggy to me. The only thing I know—and I can't even say I "remember" because I only know from what Ray has told me—is that I slapped him again and then he hit me. I remember nothing else from inside the elevator.

“The next thing I do recall is being in the casino lobby, surrounded by cops .... The cops tried to tell me what happened and I refused to believe them .... There were no marks on my face or body, and I felt perfectly fine.”

She forgave him the next day.

“Ray accepted responsibility from the moment we left the police station .... At first, I was very angry, and I didn’t know what to say. This came out of nowhere. Nothing like this had ever happened before. I knew it wasn’t him.

“But as angry as I was, I knew it was something that we could move on from because I know Ray. I thought about our daughter. When she comes in the room, it’s like nothing is going on. We knew it was definitely going to take work, and we knew we had to be by each other’s side. I just needed to get away from him for a little while and spend a few hours taking my space to get my thoughts together.”

She never thought twice about marrying Ray Rice.

“We were married March 28, the day after he was indicted for aggravated assault. We didn’t choose that day because of the indictment. It just happened to be a Friday and a time when our families could attend our wedding without having to interrupt their work schedules. I didn’t understand why that was suspicious to some people. We’d been together seven years and had been engaged for two. What happened that night wasn’t going to change the fact that we were going to get married.

“If anyone knows me they know, I never have and never will be with Ray because of what he can do for me. I stuck with Ray because I truly love him.”

Read more: here 

AskFM UPDATE (Again): The (Almost) Complete #BCPills Saga

 

‪‪This the latest update in the ongoing saga that AskFM and Twitter users have deemed, aptly, #BCPills.

A quick recap if this is your introduction to this year-plus long saga:

Guy is paying for BC pills for his lady, discovers she isn’t taking them. Confronts her. She’s four months pregnant. It all goes downhill from there.

You can read the first part of the story: HERE. (Get comfortable. It’s long.)

So.

I haven't heard from #BCPills in a long time. I was launching a book and planning a wedding, so that would easily explain it, I guess. I also haven't had insomnia in a while and haven't been up late, the time when we usually chatted on Twitter.

The last time he shared his life with me (aka us), he and his child's mom had been in a physical altercation after she spit on him twice and he slapped her. He went to jail for a couple weeks for that one. When he got out, he told me his plan was to get full custody of his child for what I think should be obvious reasons to anyone whose followed this story.

Today, I received an email from his sister:

I’m writing you as a favor for my Big brother [redacted]. I’m not sure if you were aware that his court date was Monday.

Things didn’t go as we all would have liked them to. [Redacted] has to do 18 months. He has been charged with domestic violence, resisting arrest, threating/assaulting an officer and disorderly conduct or something like that, still not too sure.

He wants you to know he’s ok and to keep him in your prayers.

 I know my big brother. A lot of the stuff they charged him with is bogus.  He doesn’t bother anybody unless you bother him first. Come on now a black man threating the police? Yeah, right. Or how about him trying to throw his baby mama over the railing. Big lie! 

I don't know what to say at this point, other than he, his family, and his daughter are in my prayers.

August 27, 2014

Also, before you dive in to the latest update, you should know (full disclosure): that I’ve stayed in touch with the guy in question over the last year. We follow each other on social media, and you might have seen us late-night chatting about absolutely everything and nothing over the last few months. I have insomnia and he’s up in the middle of the night feeding his daughter, so there we are.

I “know” him to be a nice guy, one that a few readers have inquired about (to date him) after watching our interactions. I’m very sad about the most recent turn this story has taken, and quite worried about him.

A few days ago, I realized I hadn’t heard from him in a while. When I’m on Twitter, we usually chat throughout the day. I wondered what he was up to in passing, then forgot about it. Yesterday, I got an explanation from the mother of his child:

I know i'm probably the last person you want to hear from and you might not think much of me or think I deserve [redacted], especially the way I stop taking my pills. But I promise I really do love him. I ain't too good at asking for help, but I'm asking cause I might [have] just blew my last shot with him‬

I think this time he is not going to take me back I just need a little advice cause I’m going crazy and I don’t have nobody to talk to [a]bout this. I do love him.

I know I can get wild and go crazy but I'm working on my attitude for real, not just for us, but for our baby. The other week we got into and the lady next door call[ed] the police. They had already said if they come back somebody going to jail.

But I hid his key [because] he’s always trying walk off‬, not talk shit out. I can't stand that and he know that and he still be doing that. So I pushed him and called him a f--k n---a. He push me too.  My push ain’t hurt him so he shouldn't even [push] me back. I ain’t going to lie. When I get mad, I act the fool so I spit in his face and he slap me. When the police came back‬  ‪they wasn't trying to hear nothing by him and we both was going to jail. But he say he hit me and I did nothing so now he got to do an automatic 21 days for DV. He ain't call me yet. I told his ma to tell him I put money on my phone and he aint call yet‬

Why in the world would he call you? No, really? YOU SPIT ON HIM!!!!!

And if I recall, this is the second time you've gone crazy, at least that I know of. Didn't you scratch up his face or neck a few months ago?

So what you don't get your way. So what you're mad. So what you're hurt. F--king deal!!! That doesn't give you the right to spit, or push, or scratch up anyone.

You, ma'am need serious professional help. The father of your child, the man with the good job who pays for everything? He's locked up over you acting a plumb fool AGAIN cause you can't act like a civilized adult and want to put your hands on people. And even after all that wild sh-- you did, he took the blame so your simple self wouldn't go to jail and could stay with ether baby. Are you happy now? ‪

You don't need to be with anyone, certainly not him.

The child is a blessing, but it's so unfortunate that he has that child with you. I'm sick of you creating constant drama and acting a fool and playing the “l'm a victim" and "but I love him". From the time you got pregnant on purpose when you knew he didn't want kids, you've been on a non-stop mission to ruin this man's life. STOP IT. He had sense enough to leave you. LET HIM GO!!!!

You need help so you can stop hurting other people with your own hurt.

I'm disgusted by this whole saga.

I wasn’t the only one. Readers quickly responded to this update. This about sums up the sentiment:

‪Re ratchet spitter: Ratchet Nation at its (un) fineness.... O_o this has to be someone re-enacting something from a VH1 shows. Please tell me this isn't real. The logic is ALL off.‬

I wish. These two have been writing in for a year.

And then she was back:

Ratchet? Sorry, hunty, far from it. Like I said, he was the first one to get in his feelings cause he know he was dead ass wrong for having my baby around the next chick. Let him catch some other n---a holding my baby he will be pissed off‬

Ma'am. YOU SPIT ON SOMEONE. Whether you are ratchet or not isn't up for discussion.

If you're looking for my approval, you won't get it. I'm appalled by your REPEATED behavior.

If I got a problem he do too. Your lady talking to you, you don’t just cut her off talking, “miss [me] with the bullsh—“ and hollering [a]bout you ain’t in the mood to talk. All I ask him was one simple question, “is he and his friend fucking?” He the one got all raw raw and swole up and got a attitude‬

But you're not ratchet?

Ma'am.

‪But anyway, I am done with this. I don't care if his ass don't ever call, but I bet you he won’t have my baby around her or anybody else without child support telling him he can’t see [her]. Believe that. Have a good night‬

I say this with all due respect: you're a bird. Like... I can't even believe what I'm reading in your responses. Your logic is so far off from what's sensible and normal and you don't even know. You even feel justified in your shenanigans.

You spit on him. He's locked up. And you think this is justifiable because he didn't want to be with you. GROW UP, DAMMIT!!!!!

‪Ever since that b---h got out of the army, he been sh--tting on me for her. E very time she call, he jumping. She need a ride, he break his neck to give it. My starter been gone on my car for 2 months, he ain’t fix it yet. I'm the one that got his baby not her. And you play me to the right? You damn right Imma‬ trip. How would you feel if your n---a and his ex slash best friend chilling all up at the park with your baby and her nephew? That shit will look suspect to you too. So hell yeah, I flip. Any woman will. Got this h-- breathing all over [my baby]. So girl, bye. Miss me with all the “oh, I’m drama” sh--.  Whatever, girl. Bye‬

Your starter isn't his responsibility. It's YOUR responsibility. Even if it was, how's it getting fixed now? He just got locked up for 3 weeks. His job is a wrap. With what money is paying for you or your kid?

You see the father of your child moving on, and I'm sure that hurts. You tried to trap him with a kid and he's still not staying. That's gotta hurt. But nothing about the way you're responding to this is acceptable behavior. I don't know what you've seen in life or why you think it is, but it absolutely is not.

You have his baby. You do know that "baby mama" doesn't trump anyone right? Wife does. GF does. There's a reason the title BM only refers to the relationship to the child and not the other adult. It holds very little weight.

Yeah, so no. I get why you're mad. But in NO WAY WHATSOEVER does that justify stealing his keys so he can't leave, or pushing him or spitting on him. YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. You don't get to push people and dictate how they respond. And you don't get to spit on anyone and say it's wrong when you get hit.

Your child's father is moving on. It hurts to be rejected. But from Day One with this kid you've bad decision after bad decision, from throwing out the BC Pills and tricking him with a baby to the time you were tagging him on FB to the other time when you scratched him up.

Ya'll don't need to be together. It's best that he go. He needs someone else and you need anger management. NO ONE SANE is going to put up with your out of control sh--. And the next dude you try that spitting ish on might just Ray Rice you.

And I'm not looking for approval all I'm saying is he is in the wrong to bending over backwards for a chick that aint’ [his]  baby mama, then trying be raw raw on me. If that aint suspect… Aint you going to be mad too? Before she got back, it was all “let’s make this work for the baby”. Now it’s “f--k me” I see‬

Let's make this work isn't a commitment. He's moving on. That's no excuse for you to flip put. NONE. I'm baffled how you feel justified here. You are dead wrong.

‪I don’t know why you get all bitchy with me like it’s all my fault. As good as a read you are, I’mma show you saw where I said I'm not the one that called the police, the neighbors did, and where I said he push me too. So don’t try to play me off like I'm some ratchet chick cause that aint me at all‬”

YOU SPIT ON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. That is the very definition of ratchet.

He pushed you AFTER you pushed him and after you hid his keys so he couldn't leave. <<< that's your version of events.

Should he have pushed you BACK? No. Everyone should keep their hands to themselves, including you. That said, you don't get to put your hands on people, then dictate how they respond to you. You pushed and got pushed. You don't want people touching you, don't give them a PRIME REASON for doing it.

So you have no issues with this bitch trying to destroy my family? I see you like everybody else. You want to see me hurt. You want to break me down. You want to see me cry. But guess what? I’m strong. Yeah, I cried last night but I'm back up‬

Your constant victimization is killing me. It's not everyone else causing problems, ITS YOU!!!

Explain why anyone should root for you right now. Like, really. EXPLAIN!!! You tricked him into getting you pregnant, you acted a plumb fool on social media while pregnant, you scratched up his face once before and now you're hiding keys, pushing and spitting on folks. HELL NO!!! NO ONE with any sense is rooting for ya'll to work.

And if you think he's even considering a relationship with you after getting locked up over your silly shenanigans, you're nuts. You did this to yourself, hon.

Everyone Is Asking the Wrong Questions About the Ray Rice Video

“PSA of the day ... If you spit in a man’s face, you deserve to get knocked out. Man, woman or child. Period!”

This was a friend’s Facebook status on the day the news broke that Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and his fiancee, Janay Palmer, had both been charged with simple assault after they were involved in a domestic dispute while visiting an Atlantic City casino over Valentine’s Day weekend. Rumor had it that Palmer had spit on Rice, and Rice had reacted. To what degree he reacted was anyone’s guess, at that time. Rice’s lawyer initially—and in hindsight, bafflingly—described the event as a “very minor physical altercation,” as if there were some way for a couple to lay hands on each other that wasn’t bad.

Good ole TMZ came through with footage of the aftermath to that dispute. “Very minor”? Hardly. Grainy video showed Rice dragging his unconscious fiancee from the elevator and discarding her facedown on a carpeted hallway. He seems not to want to be bothered, and even more so when he is approached by hotel security. As the woman comes to, he drags her around some more, seemingly annoyed. The first thing I wondered is, what happened to her?

Police supposedly are in possession of a video that shows Rice allegedly delivering the blow that knocked his fiancee out cold.

I’ve been following this story for days to find out what happened to Palmer and how she’s doing. No one seems to care much about her, despite us all being under the impression that her man—and father of her child—played Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out on her and then dragged her across a dirty elevator floor and into a hallway as if she were trash. I mean, the man is a professional athlete. He cared so little that he couldn’t even pick her up. The only update came from a Ravens spokesman, who said the couple “returned home together after being detained.”

Really? Is that the best place for a woman who allegedly just got knocked out by her man? A woman doesn’t just bounce back from that like nothing happened. Who is going to nurse her back to health and make sure she’s OK? Him?!

In the aftermath, all the talk in the news was about whether Rice will get to keep his job with the Ravens and how much it will cost the team to let him go. Oh, and there were some who were minimizing the issue. The Baltimore Ravens’ general manager called the allegations “concerning” and said it “doesn’t look good.” You think?

On social media, there were plenty of statements like those from my Facebook friend justifying why it’s OK for a man to hit a woman or wondering what he said to get spit on, which in turn made him punch. Everyone was talking about this couple as though they were avatars, and someone else was in control of them and they were not responsible for their own actions.

It doesn’t matter what he said. She shouldn’t have spit on him. And while it’s profoundly disrespectful, it’s not an excuse to knock your fiancee out cold and drag her across a floor. What is this an excuse for, though? For this couple to part ways.

Read more: here 

Ask.FM UPDATE: The Complete #SuperBowl Saga

 

AskFM questions are anonymous, so I never really know if they’re real. After years of answering questions (over 30k) on Formspring and now Ask FM, the odds are that I’ve been catfished a few times. I answer, even the more intense questions, because what if the stories are real and the person really needs help and doesn’t know where else to go? Even if it’s made up, there may be someone out there who has aspects of a pseudo-situation going on in her own life and needs to hear the advice to do better.

Two weeks ago, a woman wrote in to say her man had gone to a Super Bowl party the night before and was “acting strange” when he returned home. Shortly thereafter, a neighbor pulled her aside and asked to show her something. That something was a video of the woman’s man receiving oral sex from another man. 

Twitter followers began referring to the woman as Super Bowl. For those who aren’t addicted to Ask.FM/ abelleinbk yet, this is the complete story—edited for typos and clarity—  thru last night.

Some folk have asked if this story is real. The truth is, I don't know. I actually hope it isn't. Over the course of two weeks, the story went to some really dark places. If someone made it up? They are wasting a lucrative talent that could be put to better use as a screenwriter or a novelist. 

Oh, and we’re moving to abelleinbrooklyn.com/askbelle. I’ll still answer Ask.FM questions for awhile, but I will primarily be on the new page.

‪”BF was acting strange when he came home from his homie's Super Bowl party. I asked him, “what’s up?” He said, “nothing.”  The chick upstairs from us stops me at the mailbox today and told me she wants to show me something. I followed her upstairs to her apartment. She tells me she makes it a habit to stay out of‬ people's business, but I seem like a cool chick and I should know. Why did this chick show me a video on her phone [of my boyfriend] getting brain from a dude?

“Belle, I am hurt.  I confronted him he said he was drunk and it’s just a blow job. WTF? First, why tape yourself? Second, how did it get out? Third, now I feel less of a woman, like I wasn't doing my job if my man getting brain from a dude. I told him he's an undercover p--- and to get out MY apartment. We end up fighting cause he didn’t want to leave and what makes matters worst is I just found out I’m pregnant."

First, it's not your fault. Your man also likes men. That is not a reflection on you. There's nothing you could have done that would make him not like men. That's not about you.

Second, this isn't the first time he's received oral from a guy. Maybe the first time he taped it, but you don't record your first try. He was comfortable being taped and with the person who was pleasuring him. The person who recorded it leaked it. It's could be on the Internet, maybe World Star or XVideos, if your neighbor saw it.

It's not "just" a blow job. It's sex AND it's sex with a man. He might have let it be recorded because he was drunk, but you don't get drunk and suddenly become attracted to the same sex when you're straight (or on that side of the Kinsley scale). He's also attracted to men when he's sober too. He might use liquor to "let himself off the hook" for any guilt he feels about being attracted to men.

I do not recommend that unmarried women stay or try to work it out with men who cheat on them with women and I don’t think any woman should stay with a man who cheats with men. You've kicked him out. So you seem to share that outlook.

Re: your pregnancy. You have options. You can co-parent the child with your now ex or you can choose not to keep the child. What do you want to do here? There's no right or wrong answer.

Also, you do need to be tested for HIV. Your ex has been engaging in risky behavior and you two have not been having safe sex. That's a priority.

“I wasn't sure if you would be able to get back to me so soon, but thank you. I haven't told him bout the baby yet. I was going to surprise him on V-Day. I'm not going to keep it. I have a busted window, a busted lip and a hole in my heart. I’m not trying to raise a baby with that thang. I don’t even know what to call him. A friend of mine is gay and every time he comes around  [my ex]  is so quick to put him down. Now look at [my ex] living a lie. At least my friend is honest. I’m planning on going to the clinic on my lunch break tomorrow.”

I didn't realize when you said "fight" before that meant physical.

Do what you feel is best for you, but your lunch break isn't the time to get it done. It’s not botox. You can't go back to work after. You need a day (or more) to recover. Do your research.

“I have to figure something out. I keep looking at my lip in the mirror and the hood in me wants to call my brother and have him put a foot on him. But it ain’t even worth it. Don't need my family in chains, so the safest thing right now is for me to go to bed.”

You can call the police as you've been assaulted.

A few days later, Super Bowl was back with an update. She was still in the relationship, and her focus was tracking down the man who performed oral sex on her man.

“I know you said don't be doing all that snooping, but I couldn't sleep. I went back upstairs to ask old girl bout the video. She says another chick in our complex sent it to her because the dude (my man) looked familiar. We went to the chick’s apartment. She said her BFF texted it to her. Who is her BFF?‬

The other chick showed me the original text:  "celebrating the Super Bowl with my n---a breaking him off with this fiyah head. Girl ain’t he cute?" Her BFF is the dude in the video. l asked for his number. She said no, she isn’t trying to be messy. Like you already being messy…”

You're focused on details that don't matter. Is it, or is it not, your man... on video... getting dome from another guy?

Why does it matter how [your neighbor] got the video, or who the guy is? [Your neighbor] did you a solid by giving you a heads up. I know you're upset, but it is absolutely crazy to call him. What are you going to say, "Hey, James, why were you giving my man head?"

This is a big shock. I know. But let's be reasonable here.

Is your man still in the apartment? He's been cheating on you. Have you been tested for STIs and HIV? These are the things that matter right now.

“It matters to me because he promised he would change after the last time. Now he’s doing men too. I’m good to him. What am I not doing? Even after he gave me a STD, I took him back. And yes, I got checked out today and I am fine. I don't know what I’m going to do bout the baby‬. If I get this abortion it will be the third one with him and I don't really want to do it. But look at the f---ed up situation. If I keep it, I want it to have a real family, but I cant raise a baby and try to police his ass. He say he want me but he ain’t trying to do right."

Honey, you’re in love with a man who isn't doing you right. Who hasn't done you right many times over based on what you're saying. You love him. You got to love you too.

There's a video of your man receiving oral sex from another man floating around your city. And you want to work on this relationship. Is that correct? And he's not "trying to do right", but you're still considering it? Is that accurate?

Baby girl, he didn't change after he cheated before. We're on time 2, maybe 3, that you know about. And this time, it's with another man. How many chances are you going to give?

This stops only when YOU say "enough!" how much more are you going to endure? How many more STDs? How many more abortions? How much more pain?

This isn't love. It's pain and endurance. It's not one in the same.

You deserve better than this. You may not think it, but you do. And you can have someone who will treat you better and you don't have to police him, and your neighbors won't show you video of him with anyone else, especially not another man. You may not think it, but you can. Pinky swear, promise.

It's not about what you're not doing. It's not even about you. Stop making it that way. He doesn't get the power to define your worth. Stop giving that away to him.

Re: the abortion, only you can determine what the right answer there is.

“I’ve been with him off and on since I was 15. I just turned 20. He will be 40 soon. We have history and because of that it’s hard to shake him or my love for him. He pays for my school, my rent, everything. On the taking care of me thing, he is good. It’s the  loving [that’s a problem].

"I want to make my Grandma proud and be something. All of my brothers are thugs. I want better in life and he is helping me get there.  So I try to look at this as earning my stripes. When I finish school, we will move and start fresh in another state. Loving me is hard. He told me he loves me, but because of how his wife did him, he’s scared to let himself love all the way. I want better. I want to be loved better. If I can’t make this work my only choice is to go back home to my Grandma like a failure."

Babes, it's not failing to walk away from a man who isn't treating you right, and who sexually abused you when you were a teenager. It's winning to love you enough to put you first. I understand why that's hard for you to grasp. Essentially, you've been preyed on from when you were a kid and groomed for this position.

Do you have anyone at your school you can talk to? A counselor? Most schools have them.

You're 20, you've had 2 abortions for a man old enough to be your dad, and who sexually abused you too. No 35 year old man has any business with a 15 year old child he is not raising, coaching or related to.

You've also had an STI. He cheated before, he's still cheating on you and he's not going to stop. Why would he? There are no consequences. You don't leave.

If your goal is to make granny proud, this is not the way to go about it. Not at all. Not by a long shot. And walking away from THIS doesn't make you a thug, or worthless, or degenerate or anything negative.

Love isn't earning stripes. It's not an endurance test to see how much you can put up with and for how long. That's not how it works. The old man you're messing this may have told you otherwise, but he lied to you. And him picking up the tab on school or bills or anything else isn't a pass for him to cheat the first, or second, or third time, and not with another woman or another man. He doesn't love you. He says he does. He doesn't act like it. The love is in the ACTIONS.

How his wife did him is not your problem. If he's not ready to commit, he doesn't need to be in a relationship. If he can't love you in full then you need to find someone who can.

Moving to another state doesn't change anything. He will find another woman and another man and he will do the same thing there that he does where you are now. And you will be going through the exact same thing you are now, with another STI and another abortion. The location is not the problem. His disrespect is the problem. And you not knowing you deserve better is the problem.

He is who he is. That is not going to change for you. You need to leave. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you do. And you need to talk to a professional because you've been in a bad situation a really, really long time.

You can get a better situation and a better man when you let this situation go. Nothing gets better for you as long as you stay in this.

I didn’t hear back from her for several days after that. Last night, she returned to say they’re still together and she caught him cheating again— with a woman.

“Oh, my God! I caught him today with a new chick. I went to his brother’s  house because he’s been ducking me. I went looking for him, figured he would be over there. He was with another chick. I feel like my heart is being stabbed with a fork. He doesn’t want me or my baby!" 

This is the THIRD time you've caught him cheating on you. He's not going to stop. He wants to see other people- hence why he is seeing other people-- men and women.

Feeling like your heart is being stabbed is a totally normal reaction. But so you know, it's felt that way two times already, and it will continue to feel that way until you leave.

You need to do what is best for you and your baby. And it is NOT staying in this relationship. I thought you were going home to your grandmother's house. Why are you still with him? You're already putting your sanity at risk; don't CONTINUE to put your health and life at risk by staying with a man who cheats on you constantly with men and women.

“I’m stressing him and he can’t take it. He said he doesn’t have time for a dumb girl that can't take orders right. I messed up. I should have let the video ride. I’m so dumb. I knew he was having his hours cut at work and I keep bring up petty stuff to add to his stress. How do I make this right?”

Why are you "taking orders" from your BF? This relationship started out in an entirely dysfunctional way and it's continued. You were way underage and he was a grown man ILLEGALLY taking advantage of you being young and naive. You're 20. You are a woman. You don't take orders from your boyfriend.

Let the video ride? Your boyfriend was receiving oral sex from another man. He was cheating on you. You don't let that ride. You leave. And not just because it's another man. But also because it's the THIRD time you CAUGHT HIM cheating.

You're not dumb. You're in a bad situation and you're making bad choices. HE is creating the stress by cheating on you. HE is creating the stress by dealing with a woman 20 years his junior who was ILLEGAL when he met you. This is NOT ON YOU.

You cannot bring a child into this drama. Pack your things and go home. Please.

You make it right by going home-- and staying there. It's not going to get better, only worse, if you stay.

“He didn't even try to explain and the chick laughed like it’s f---ing funny when I screamed on him. I don't know what I did to make him not love me anymore. Maybe I gained weight, but I don’t look pregnant. I am only 11 weeks. I love him. He is it for me. I have to show him and not stress him.”

H‬oney, I feel for you, I do. A lot of women reading do.

This man is making it plain as day that he does not care about you. And until you leave, it's going to get worse and worse for you. If you want a better life than this, you have to take the first step and leave.

The screaming means nothing. He's done it 3-4x that you know of and you stay. So you yelled again. He's not changing. He has shown you who he is. What you're getting now is what you're going to always deal with from him.

He is not it for you. You've been with him since you were illegal for him. You don't know any different. But I promise you, there is more to the world than him. You can have someone who will treat you nice and won't cheat on you. Or you can just be alone and just as happy not have to deal with all this never-ending drama.

You can't make him love you. You CAN NOT DO IT. Please, for you, stop trying. Exert that effort into loving you and your baby.

“He’s the only man I love. How do I show him that? I want to keep the baby. How do I make him see the baby is a good thing? I can’t do another abortion. I don't want God to punish me for keep killing babies."

Loving him is nice. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU TOO, and you have to be with someone who actually loves you.

The guy who cheats on you rampantly, and then blames you for stressing him about it is not in love with you. He doesn't care about you. He has been using you and taking advantage of you since you were 15.

Did you check in with your school to see if there's a counselor you can talk to like I asked you too?

You're in a bad place, and have been for a very long time. But this does not get better until you get out of this relationship.

You don't want to have a third abortion, don't have one. You have a right to make that choice. You and your baby go back to grandma and you figure it out from there. You do not bring a child into this havoc.

“If I call my Grandma she is going to be so upset and hit me with a bunch of “stupid girls” and “I told you so.” That’s why I left. Who wants to hear everyday “you ain’t shit and you gonna end up strung out like your mama”?” 

Granny's got her own issues and that's horrible. It's also still better than this.

The End… for now.