Ask Demetria: "My Husband Wants to Skip the Family Reunion!"

Dear Demetria:

My husband’s younger brother is turning 30, lives in another state and is planning a night-out party. My family reunion is the same weekend and I’d like us to go. He says he is going to hang with his brother and not go to the reunion. Can you weigh in here? Am I wrong for expecting my husband to go with me? It’s our first as a married couple. —Anonymous

You’re not wrong ... but neither is your husband. You have a scheduling conflict; surely it’s not the first time and won’t be the last. Instead of focusing on who is wrong or right here, focus on how to resolve this conflict.

The obvious solution is for your husband to attend his brother’s party and the family reunion. I don’t know the distance between these two events or whether that is possible. But if he can spend a little time with his brother and with you, that’s ideal.

If the distance between the two events just doesn’t make attending both possible, then your husband should attend his brother’s birthday party.

That’s not what you wanted to hear, I know. I’m also newly married, and I like doing firsts with my husband:“Ooh! Our first married date!” “Ooh! Our first married Christmas!” “Ooh! Our first married New Year’s!” We’ve done all these things for years as a couple, mind you, but it’s all new and shiny again because now we’re married. You probably want another “first” at the family reunion.

Either that, or you want to show your husband off to the family members who weren’t at the wedding. I get it. Completely. Surely, there are relatives who had a lot to say about your being single for however long you were, and it will feel absolutely awesome in the moment to show up with your husband and smugly rub it in. I have petty moments, too. I understand.

But your reasoning—as stated in your question—isn’t worth your husband missing his brother’s 30th birthday.

Read the full story on The Root

Ask Demetria: "My Mother is Ruining My Relationship"

 

Dear Demetria:

I’m 29 and live at home. I’m trying to move this year. I spend each weekend at my boyfriend’s apartment. Recently he asked me to stay an extra night because he was sick. I told my mother, and she said ‘Come home,’ adding that if he was sick, he could call 911 if needed. My boyfriend was mad and said she is controlling (she is) and maybe I am not serious/wife potential. How do I deal with both people? —Anonymous

Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do about this situation while you’re living at home. I’m sure you have your reasons for being there, since most people would not want to live with their parents at your age. Maybe you’re in school or you returned home to save money to buy a place, or you live in a very expensive city and your budget doesn’t allow for you to rent a place of your own. Whatever the reason, you’re (back?) in the nest. And when you’re in the nest, you have to abide by the rules of the owner: your mom.

You, your man and I all agree: Your mother is controlling. She gets to be because, whether you’re paying bills or not, you live in her house and she gets to pull the “Not in this house you won’t” or “My house, my rules” cards at her leisure. And clearly she does, at will. As long as you’re in her house, you have to play by her rules. Period.

There’s only one queen per castle. You want to do what you want when you want and not have to hear your mother’s mouth about it? You need your own place so you can go about as you please, without your mother knowing, worrying or commenting. That includes going to your boyfriend’s house and staying as long as you want, or at least as long as he wants you there.

Until you’re able to move, you can try talking to your mother about loosening the reins a bit, but given that she’s still bossing you around at 29 because she can, unfortunately, I don’t see that conversation going so well. You need to move sooner rather than later.

About your boyfriend: I would have preferred he worded his sentiments about you and your mother less bluntly, but perhaps he said it the way he did to get through to you quickly. You should read between the lines of what he’s saying: “I’m beginning to rethink this relationship.”

It’s not so much living at home that’s an issue as it is you, at 29, being unable to call the shots on your own life. He asks you to stay another night, you agree, then you call your mother and suddenly you’re packing your bags and headed home. Your mother is dictating the terms of this relationship, not the two people actually in it. That’s a problem.

Read more on The Root

Ask.FM UPDATE: But #whoisthefather

Last December, I offered readers the resolution to this story, but not the details.

A woman had written in to Ask.FM to say that her husband asked her if he could be the godfather to his ex’s child. It was an ex who had caused problems in their marriage before. The wife didn’t even know they spoke to one another.

That face you just made? Same one she did. Same one I did.

I detailed my exchange with the wife HERE shortly after the story happened.

Something wasn’t right with  this story. Where was the father of this child, and how was he okay with an ex-boyfriend that this woman was all into being tied to their child? And why were the husband and a woman who had caused the problems in the marriage still in touch? And how were they still close enough that she would ask him to damn near be a member of the family?

My first guess? It’s the husband's kid.

The wife did some snooping, and lo and behold, it was her husband's baby. What made this situation doubly painful was the wife is unable to have children.

When the wife wrote to me describing how she found out, she was raw and distraught, likely how any one of us would be under the circumstances. I didn't post her full story because I wanted to give her a chance to ask me not to. Plenty of times people tell me deep, dark stories anonymously, and then come back hours or days later, asking me not to respond (or remove the queries/responses). I usually abide by their wishes.

It's been a year. ‪This is the part of the story I left out of the first post.

In case you were wondering what started this whole mess here it is. I came home early last week Wednesday. I somehow misplaced my jumpdrive. So I was backtracking trying to retrace my steps. Hubs was online looking at those playpen things. Weird, I thought, but really didn't pay it no mind. I was there for my missing jumpdrive.

He started acting weird then explaining why he's online. He goes into a whole sermon about how young Black boys need mentors and role models. That's when he slipped in the God-dad foolishness. He was really trying to sell me on the idea.

 The more he talked the stranger he sounded. Like, when did this chick come back into the picture? Our last discussion about her was [two years ago]. We had an argument about an inappropriate hug at a mutual friends baby shower. We have since switched phone companies and both have new phone numbers. How was he and this [chick] in contact now? He must have sought her out or something.

Either this man is dumb, doesn't care, or simply forgot what line of work I'm in. I called in a favor from a friend. Within an hour, I had chick's phone number & home address. After calling Hubs for the 100th time, I paid her a visit. (Dangerous, I know. Felt I had no choice)

I didn't want to go this route, but Hubs wasn't giving me the answers I needed. I roll up there & to my surprise, she lets me in. Take a wild guess who's all hugged up with the infant?? I didn't want to act foolish, so I simply say, " Well, hello love. What in the hell are you doing?”

Him: "Oh, um, I just stopped by to let her know I can't be the God-dad." Bullshit! I must have stupid written across my forehead. OMG! Belle it took everything in me not to tear this woman's house to shreds. I knew right then what I was afraid to ask. But couldn't. So, I ask, “why, why her?”

Him: "It was a mistake." I laughed out at his ass not because of his answer. I really don’t know why the hell I laughed. One thing I did know? Ain't no way I was going to let that [redacted] see me cry. You would think she would have been offended at him calling her a mistake. No, not at all

Her smug ass took the baby and sat in the seat across from him. I told him I would take off my ring and throw it at him, but I have a better idea. I'm pawning this mother-fucker. I left him right there and went home. I put the chain lock on the door.

He broke it [when he came home]. I stood in our bedroom doorway. I told him to leave now or the police will make him. Do you know he slapped the hell out of me and said I better never threaten him again? Girl, why he did that? Honey, I went ape shit on him I don’t know this guy at all

My marriage was supposed to be my place of solace, not a source of grief. I made sure I was a good wife to him. I cook, I clean, I do every freaky nasty thing in the bedroom that he requested. So why wasn't it enough? I work hard as hell! Yet, I still managed to be a wife to him

No matter how many hoops I’ve jumped through, or how many stars I’ve pulled from the sky, I somehow failed. This bitch has done what I could never do in 8 years: give my Hubs a baby. I can’t compete with that.

My response?

Hit me up.

She contacted me the following day. She wasn’t up for coaching or advice, but she did want to share her story and wanted me to listen.

I'm writing to thank you for allowing me to cry on your cyber shoulder. Believe me when I say it has been a rough 24 hours. I've never experienced pain of this magnitude and I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. No one deserves to feel the way I'm feeling right now.

I feel as if my whole marriage has been a joke. Working as a [redacted], I've witnessed the demise of a lot of marriages. I've worked with a plethora of lawyers and  private investigators, so I know to some extent the  devastating effects of a cheating spouse. Never in a million years, would I've imagine my husband would be one of those cheaters.

You hear stories and you think that will never be me. I've searched every part of my brain and honestly I'm bewildered as to how I didn't see this coming. My heart is completely shattered. My face is bruised. My self-esteem at the moment is nonexistent. I don't know where or how to start the process of moving forward. I'm hurting like a bitch.

I'm usually very successful at achieving the goals I've set for myself. Oh, boy how I've failed with this one though. I thought my marriage was bulletproof. My solace. Is it me? Was I not holding up my end of this marriage?

Maybe it was the long hours of work. Or the traveling. I thought I struck a balance, I made it a priority to see to it that my man is taken care of. I was his superwoman. Working 13 and 14 hours a day, I still managed to cook his favorite meals, call him throughout the day, sex him crazy, and iron his clothing the way he likes it. I'm lost. What was it he was lacking? What wasn't I doing that my man felt the need to stick his dick in another [redacted]?

Maybe it was just me. A man wants a whole woman, someone that can give him a namesake. Belle, it hurts to even breathe. I'm having a hard time even putting together halfway decent sentences to email you.  

My  P.I. friend tells me that this chick had a man she was living with. He's in the army. He was deployed 4 months ago. It's unclear if he knows about her and my Hubs.

Speaking of Hubs he  left me a hand written note on my windshield this morning. He wants to talk. That's rich, isn’t it? He says, "I know I've hurt you. I'm willing to do what ever it takes to rectify this not so pleasant situation." Oh, I should add he was even nice enough to say "Take as much time you need.  When you're ready to talk I will be at my mother's."

Ha! What a guy right?  As if there anything left to talk about.

I told her she could email me whenever she wanted. She followed up a few days later. She wanted me to know she'd talked to some of her PI friends again…

I'm holding in my hands a manila folder. In this folder is an address, the address to where [the mother of my husband's child's] beau is stationed.  I have the tools to crush her, to make her feel the same misery I'm feeling.

To be continued…

Ask Demetria: I Think I Missed My Sexual Prime. Help!

 

Dear Demetria: 

I am against cheating. I won’t do it, but it feels like I haven’t truly lived. I went to school, got married, had a baby. I feel like my husband’s had a full life. He’s traveled all over the world, done two deployments and is settled. I haven’t even started. I feel like I missed a part of my prime, especially sexual prime. Help! —Anonymous

I’ll answer your question, but can I tell you a story first?

My mom came to visit me in New York City once. It was about 10 years ago, and I was bummed about a bad and very colorful breakup. Actually, two. I’d broken up with a guy a year or so prior who wanted to marry me. He was great, but like you, I felt like I hadn’t “lived.” I told him as much when we broke up, and he told me I’d never find someone as good as him. Ouch.

So I went and “lived.” I traveled and I partied, and I met someone else and he broke my heart. And while I usually didn’t regret that first breakup with the great guy, in my funk that weekend, I did. Maybe, I thought, I should have just gotten married.

My mom was in town to cheer me up. I asked her what she wanted to do during her visit, and her request was, “Nothing special, just the things that you usually do.” Um, OK.

It was a Saturday, so we went shopping in Soho. I introduced her to some of my friends, then we grabbed a late lunch at my favorite restaurant with cheap but amazing food. It was far from fancy.

My mother was giddy and wide-eyed the whole time. I didn’t get it. She’d been to New York plenty of times, so it wasn’t as if she was awestruck of the city. She explained, “I didn’t get to do this.”

By “this,” she meant live largely unencumbered with the freedom to spend Saturdays window-shopping and wandering aimlessly, gabbing with friends without anything major to worry about. When she was my age back then, she’d been married for five years and had a 2-year-old: me. She pointed out that I didn’t have to worry about keeping up with a child (or husband) or doing laundry or grocery shopping or any of the other thousands of important and sometimes very mundane things a wife and mother does to keep the household running smoothly.

She added that she wouldn’t trade me or my dad for the world—OK, maybe put us off for a year each to have lived in New York—but she wanted me, in all my breakup funk, to know just how good I had it.

And she was right. There are extraordinary perks to being single, even if a lot of people, especially women, take them for granted. It took my mother, married by then for almost 30 years, to point it out to me.

So, yes, I get where you’re coming from. And yes, I won’t lie, there are things you missed out on. But you’ve got a stable home, a solid man and a child who I’m sure adores you both. You’re looking at someone else’s grass, and while your own yard might not be landscaped the way you like, your grass is green, too. Cultivate your lawn so it stays that way.

You’re married and a mom. Your life is not over, it just comes with more responsibilities and requires more advance planning. You want to see the world? What’s stopping you? Kids and husbands are both allowed on planes. And that settled family man you have at home is entirely capable of parenting his own child if you want a solo getaway or a weekend with the girls. Finances? That’s what planning ahead and savings accounts are for.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: How Do I Get My Lady to Trim the Hair 'Down There'?

Dear Demetria:

Is it polite for a man to ask a lady to trim herself “down there”? She really likes me to give her oral, but it’s difficult with so much growth. I’ve hinted about it, but she never seems to get it, and I’m considering the direct approach. Just don’t want to offend her, but I can’t take it anymore. Help! —Anonymous

An April 2014 Pace University survey, “How We Date, Have Sex, and Form Relationships Today,” included a section on the state of hair “down there.” Of the respondents, just 10 percent of men and 20 percent of women said they did no landscaping to their lawns, which I found startling, since questions like yours come up with startling frequency. The report found that the vast majority of people say they trim the hedges, and a third of women say they remove all the “greenery” (0 percent of men said they do), but I’m skeptical. Either folks are lying or the people who encounter the nonmaintenance types are a very vocal bunch—and understandably so.

Hair there is entirely natural and normal. But if she’s inviting you to her yard, she should at the very least organize and clean before you arrive. To not do so is the mark of a poor hostess. You’re trying to be a polite guest, with all the hinting and such, but just as when you visit someone’s home and ask for a glass of water if he or she doesn’t offer, you’ve got to speak up here, too, and let your hostess know what you’d like during your visit.

You’re frustrated that she hasn’t been taking hints well, but try not to let that get the best of you when you make your entirely reasonable request. Ask nicely for what you want—don’t demand—and add how much you enjoy her yard. (People are often supersensitive when anything about sex is critiqued, even when constructive.) Say you would just like a little more landscaping to occur to make your visit more pleasant, and ask what she thinks about that.

Essentially what you’re requesting is a little assistance from her to help you give her more pleasure more often. This should go over without much of a hitch.

A week later, our gentleman was back with a follow-up:

I took your advice, and my girlfriend got very angry. She said I “should be happy to get this [sex] and stop complaining.” Not sure what to do now except maybe get used to it. Unless you have any other advice ...

Seriously? Some people just don’t know which battles to fight, because this should not be one. She has you, a partner who is willing to please, and she won’t make a small concession to make it more convenient? This is a clear-cut case of blocking your blessings!

I respect her right to manicure her lawn how she pleases. But since she’s unwilling to accommodate guests, you should stop visiting.

Read the rest on TheRoot.com

Ask Demetria: "I Didn't Buy Her Kids Dinner. Was I Wrong?"

 

There’s been a Facebook photo floating around lately in which a man details an odd occurrence on a date:

I have no idea which group was asked this query, and in all my years—10-plus—listening to dating anecdotes from thousands of people and advising or coaching people through various mishaps, I have never heard of anything like this (and I’ve heard horror stories). But alas, and sadly, there is a first time for everything.

I hope the participants in whichever group received this man’s questions gave him the only correct answers, which are, respectively, “Heck no! You weren’t wrong!” and “Heck yeah! She was asking for too much,” now and in any future situation where the guy isn’t living in the house and/or isn’t officially the stepdad of the children in question.

There’s no way around it: This woman was terribly out of line for thinking this man was her family’s meal plan for the evening. And bless this gentleman’s heart, because he must have really liked this lady to continue the date after she asked that question, and even to contemplate whether he was in the wrong when she line-stepped by catching an attitude.

I’m preaching to the choir, though. I saw this query posted in multiple status updates and various other places around the Internet, and the consensus was, “No, ma’am!” in response to the woman’s behavior. That, and an overwhelming curiosity about why the children weren’t fed dinner before Mom stepped out with a new boo.

I’ll be the first to acknowledge that it’s hard to date as a single mother, but every parent—married or not—that I saw a response from in my timeline agreed: There’s no excuse for leaving your kids hungry while you go out for a good time. Furthermore, if the state of your children’s stomachs is of concern, after he said, “No,” why didn’t Mom pay for the dinners so the kids could eat? If she didn’t have the money, why did she stay on the date with an attitude instead of asking to be taken home to whip up some food for her children? There’s so much about this story that doesn’t make sense.

Read more: here 

AskFM UPDATE (Again): The (Almost) Complete #BCPills Saga

 

‪‪This the latest update in the ongoing saga that AskFM and Twitter users have deemed, aptly, #BCPills.

A quick recap if this is your introduction to this year-plus long saga:

Guy is paying for BC pills for his lady, discovers she isn’t taking them. Confronts her. She’s four months pregnant. It all goes downhill from there.

You can read the first part of the story: HERE. (Get comfortable. It’s long.)

So.

I haven't heard from #BCPills in a long time. I was launching a book and planning a wedding, so that would easily explain it, I guess. I also haven't had insomnia in a while and haven't been up late, the time when we usually chatted on Twitter.

The last time he shared his life with me (aka us), he and his child's mom had been in a physical altercation after she spit on him twice and he slapped her. He went to jail for a couple weeks for that one. When he got out, he told me his plan was to get full custody of his child for what I think should be obvious reasons to anyone whose followed this story.

Today, I received an email from his sister:

I’m writing you as a favor for my Big brother [redacted]. I’m not sure if you were aware that his court date was Monday.

Things didn’t go as we all would have liked them to. [Redacted] has to do 18 months. He has been charged with domestic violence, resisting arrest, threating/assaulting an officer and disorderly conduct or something like that, still not too sure.

He wants you to know he’s ok and to keep him in your prayers.

 I know my big brother. A lot of the stuff they charged him with is bogus.  He doesn’t bother anybody unless you bother him first. Come on now a black man threating the police? Yeah, right. Or how about him trying to throw his baby mama over the railing. Big lie! 

I don't know what to say at this point, other than he, his family, and his daughter are in my prayers.

August 27, 2014

Also, before you dive in to the latest update, you should know (full disclosure): that I’ve stayed in touch with the guy in question over the last year. We follow each other on social media, and you might have seen us late-night chatting about absolutely everything and nothing over the last few months. I have insomnia and he’s up in the middle of the night feeding his daughter, so there we are.

I “know” him to be a nice guy, one that a few readers have inquired about (to date him) after watching our interactions. I’m very sad about the most recent turn this story has taken, and quite worried about him.

A few days ago, I realized I hadn’t heard from him in a while. When I’m on Twitter, we usually chat throughout the day. I wondered what he was up to in passing, then forgot about it. Yesterday, I got an explanation from the mother of his child:

I know i'm probably the last person you want to hear from and you might not think much of me or think I deserve [redacted], especially the way I stop taking my pills. But I promise I really do love him. I ain't too good at asking for help, but I'm asking cause I might [have] just blew my last shot with him‬

I think this time he is not going to take me back I just need a little advice cause I’m going crazy and I don’t have nobody to talk to [a]bout this. I do love him.

I know I can get wild and go crazy but I'm working on my attitude for real, not just for us, but for our baby. The other week we got into and the lady next door call[ed] the police. They had already said if they come back somebody going to jail.

But I hid his key [because] he’s always trying walk off‬, not talk shit out. I can't stand that and he know that and he still be doing that. So I pushed him and called him a f--k n---a. He push me too.  My push ain’t hurt him so he shouldn't even [push] me back. I ain’t going to lie. When I get mad, I act the fool so I spit in his face and he slap me. When the police came back‬  ‪they wasn't trying to hear nothing by him and we both was going to jail. But he say he hit me and I did nothing so now he got to do an automatic 21 days for DV. He ain't call me yet. I told his ma to tell him I put money on my phone and he aint call yet‬

Why in the world would he call you? No, really? YOU SPIT ON HIM!!!!!

And if I recall, this is the second time you've gone crazy, at least that I know of. Didn't you scratch up his face or neck a few months ago?

So what you don't get your way. So what you're mad. So what you're hurt. F--king deal!!! That doesn't give you the right to spit, or push, or scratch up anyone.

You, ma'am need serious professional help. The father of your child, the man with the good job who pays for everything? He's locked up over you acting a plumb fool AGAIN cause you can't act like a civilized adult and want to put your hands on people. And even after all that wild sh-- you did, he took the blame so your simple self wouldn't go to jail and could stay with ether baby. Are you happy now? ‪

You don't need to be with anyone, certainly not him.

The child is a blessing, but it's so unfortunate that he has that child with you. I'm sick of you creating constant drama and acting a fool and playing the “l'm a victim" and "but I love him". From the time you got pregnant on purpose when you knew he didn't want kids, you've been on a non-stop mission to ruin this man's life. STOP IT. He had sense enough to leave you. LET HIM GO!!!!

You need help so you can stop hurting other people with your own hurt.

I'm disgusted by this whole saga.

I wasn’t the only one. Readers quickly responded to this update. This about sums up the sentiment:

‪Re ratchet spitter: Ratchet Nation at its (un) fineness.... O_o this has to be someone re-enacting something from a VH1 shows. Please tell me this isn't real. The logic is ALL off.‬

I wish. These two have been writing in for a year.

And then she was back:

Ratchet? Sorry, hunty, far from it. Like I said, he was the first one to get in his feelings cause he know he was dead ass wrong for having my baby around the next chick. Let him catch some other n---a holding my baby he will be pissed off‬

Ma'am. YOU SPIT ON SOMEONE. Whether you are ratchet or not isn't up for discussion.

If you're looking for my approval, you won't get it. I'm appalled by your REPEATED behavior.

If I got a problem he do too. Your lady talking to you, you don’t just cut her off talking, “miss [me] with the bullsh—“ and hollering [a]bout you ain’t in the mood to talk. All I ask him was one simple question, “is he and his friend fucking?” He the one got all raw raw and swole up and got a attitude‬

But you're not ratchet?

Ma'am.

‪But anyway, I am done with this. I don't care if his ass don't ever call, but I bet you he won’t have my baby around her or anybody else without child support telling him he can’t see [her]. Believe that. Have a good night‬

I say this with all due respect: you're a bird. Like... I can't even believe what I'm reading in your responses. Your logic is so far off from what's sensible and normal and you don't even know. You even feel justified in your shenanigans.

You spit on him. He's locked up. And you think this is justifiable because he didn't want to be with you. GROW UP, DAMMIT!!!!!

‪Ever since that b---h got out of the army, he been sh--tting on me for her. E very time she call, he jumping. She need a ride, he break his neck to give it. My starter been gone on my car for 2 months, he ain’t fix it yet. I'm the one that got his baby not her. And you play me to the right? You damn right Imma‬ trip. How would you feel if your n---a and his ex slash best friend chilling all up at the park with your baby and her nephew? That shit will look suspect to you too. So hell yeah, I flip. Any woman will. Got this h-- breathing all over [my baby]. So girl, bye. Miss me with all the “oh, I’m drama” sh--.  Whatever, girl. Bye‬

Your starter isn't his responsibility. It's YOUR responsibility. Even if it was, how's it getting fixed now? He just got locked up for 3 weeks. His job is a wrap. With what money is paying for you or your kid?

You see the father of your child moving on, and I'm sure that hurts. You tried to trap him with a kid and he's still not staying. That's gotta hurt. But nothing about the way you're responding to this is acceptable behavior. I don't know what you've seen in life or why you think it is, but it absolutely is not.

You have his baby. You do know that "baby mama" doesn't trump anyone right? Wife does. GF does. There's a reason the title BM only refers to the relationship to the child and not the other adult. It holds very little weight.

Yeah, so no. I get why you're mad. But in NO WAY WHATSOEVER does that justify stealing his keys so he can't leave, or pushing him or spitting on him. YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. You don't get to push people and dictate how they respond. And you don't get to spit on anyone and say it's wrong when you get hit.

Your child's father is moving on. It hurts to be rejected. But from Day One with this kid you've bad decision after bad decision, from throwing out the BC Pills and tricking him with a baby to the time you were tagging him on FB to the other time when you scratched him up.

Ya'll don't need to be together. It's best that he go. He needs someone else and you need anger management. NO ONE SANE is going to put up with your out of control sh--. And the next dude you try that spitting ish on might just Ray Rice you.

And I'm not looking for approval all I'm saying is he is in the wrong to bending over backwards for a chick that aint’ [his]  baby mama, then trying be raw raw on me. If that aint suspect… Aint you going to be mad too? Before she got back, it was all “let’s make this work for the baby”. Now it’s “f--k me” I see‬

Let's make this work isn't a commitment. He's moving on. That's no excuse for you to flip put. NONE. I'm baffled how you feel justified here. You are dead wrong.

‪I don’t know why you get all bitchy with me like it’s all my fault. As good as a read you are, I’mma show you saw where I said I'm not the one that called the police, the neighbors did, and where I said he push me too. So don’t try to play me off like I'm some ratchet chick cause that aint me at all‬”

YOU SPIT ON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. That is the very definition of ratchet.

He pushed you AFTER you pushed him and after you hid his keys so he couldn't leave. <<< that's your version of events.

Should he have pushed you BACK? No. Everyone should keep their hands to themselves, including you. That said, you don't get to put your hands on people, then dictate how they respond to you. You pushed and got pushed. You don't want people touching you, don't give them a PRIME REASON for doing it.

So you have no issues with this bitch trying to destroy my family? I see you like everybody else. You want to see me hurt. You want to break me down. You want to see me cry. But guess what? I’m strong. Yeah, I cried last night but I'm back up‬

Your constant victimization is killing me. It's not everyone else causing problems, ITS YOU!!!

Explain why anyone should root for you right now. Like, really. EXPLAIN!!! You tricked him into getting you pregnant, you acted a plumb fool on social media while pregnant, you scratched up his face once before and now you're hiding keys, pushing and spitting on folks. HELL NO!!! NO ONE with any sense is rooting for ya'll to work.

And if you think he's even considering a relationship with you after getting locked up over your silly shenanigans, you're nuts. You did this to yourself, hon.

5 Lessons in Dealing With a Crazy Ex

My ex broke up my last relationship, but I forgave him and we became cordial. When we were together, he treated me like crap, but in the spirit of forgiveness, I moved on and told him we could be friends but we were never getting back together. He kept spending money on me, insisting that he was doing it from the heart because when he was down and out, I was there for him in the clutch. He then began asking for sex. I said, “Hell no,” and that we were never getting back together.

I went away for four months to study abroad. He would say, “I love you,” “Can’t wait to see you,” “I miss you,” etc. I missed him, but not in the same way. I asked him to pick up things while I was away and told him I would pay him back. I got back; he insisted it was a gift.

Long story short, a guy I fell madly in love with last year (but things never worked out) tried to make things work again. He asked me to be with him, and I said, “Yes.” My ex snapped. I feel bad for hurting him because I never want to hurt anyone. But I told him that we were not getting back together. What do I do? —Anonymous

Sigh. There is so much wrong with this story. I’ll begin with the bottom line: You should move on

with the new guy and stop speaking to your ex for good. The relationship with your ex, the ongoing back and forth, the hazy gray area you’ve both been playing in? All of it is done, unless you want to sabotage your current relationship, too.

Now, let’s go back to the beginning and discuss the myriad bad decisions that led to your ex flipping out. Hopefully you can find the (many) teachable moments in your story:

1. When a guy treats you like “crap” as his girlfriend, you don’t befriend him. It’s one thing to not want to be in a relationship anymore. That doesn’t make anyone a bad person. But the guy strings you along and dogs you on the way out? That is not a friend. You don’t give him the privilege of remaining in your life. He had his shot. He screwed it up by treating you poorly.

2. Forgiveness does not mean friendship. You should forgive the person or people who wrong you. Not for them but for you, so you’re not walking around bitter and angry at someone who may not even care. But there is no part of “moving on” that says you have to forget how someone has treated you and pretend everything is fine. You can forgive and love from afar.

3. Men who aren’t related to you do not make a habit of buying you things just to do so. The vast majority want something in return. Your ex wanted to continue the sexual relationship. When you didn’t respond to him implying it, he straight up asked like you were a prostitute. Any ego stroke you were getting from his attention should have disappeared then.

Read more here.

Ask Demetria: He Peed On My Phone Because He Was Mad at Me

My man [and I] got in a heated argument and [it] got pretty loud. Fine. The next day, I was looking for my phone and found it in a weird spot. It smelled like [urine]! I asked my boyfriend about it and he admitted that he [urinated] on my phone because he was mad. Yes!! He said I am overreacting because it still works. The end? —Anonymous

This is a wrap. Done-done. Over. Finito. For good.

If it makes you feel any better at all—and it probably doesn’t, but I’ll share anyway—this is not the first time I’ve heard a variation of this story ... this month. A woman wrote in mid-July to ask this:

Just discovered that the guy I’ve been dating for a couple of months and that I really really really like isn’t “potty trained”!! I ended up bleaching my toilet (and the floor around [it]) while he was still in my living room. That’s how bad it was.

There must be a way around this. Like a movie!! Please, tell me you know a movie with a “potty training” scene or even an article. We could have two bathrooms in our house ... Who am I kidding? What do you think is the nicest way to break things off? Especially as things were going really well ... ?

Now, why she was cleaning his urine off the floor when he was sitting in the living room is still unclear to me. If anyone should have been cleaning up, it should have been him. It’s his bodily fluid.

Since she didn’t mention that he was drunk or ill, we’re left to assume that he was capable of cleaning and, further, that this was no accident done by a person who was physically impaired. This

was just a sober human behaving horribly. And there was no salvaging that situation, either. Why she felt she had to be nice about breaking it off is equally confusing.

In my response to that woman, I guessed that the guy was upset with her about something, probably sex—or, rather, lack thereof—or some kind of rejection. Her story was also not the first time I’d heard of a man urinating as an act of aggression.

Years ago, a friend of a friend was invited to a wedding by a guy she was really into. Post-wedding, on the ride home, the guy asked her to be his girlfriend. She declined. When he dropped her off, he asked to use her bathroom, and he urinated everywhere he could spray up. It was revenge for being rejected.

In the most recent case, I guessed correctly about what the guy was upset about. He’d asked the woman when they were going to have sex, and she told him she wanted to wait until she was in a committed relationship to have sex, which is an entirely reasonable response (not that a woman needs any reason whatsoever to have or not have sex). He was angry. And then, well, he peed.

It wasn’t an accident. Civilized adults who have accidents clean it up as quickly as possible. They don’t return to the living room, mention nothing and leave their mess as a “surprise!” to be discovered and cleaned up by someone else.

Your account of your guy’s behavior is the first time I’ve heard someone urinating on an object—but probably won’t be the last. What kind of adult urinates on things in anger? I’ll tell you what kind: an uncivilized one, the kind you need to run from.

Read the full story on TheRoot.com

AskFM 3rd #DNADad UPDATE: The Return of Bio-Dad

 

TO READ PART I & II of #DNADad STORY, CLICK HERE

After the last update, many of you rightly guessed that wasn't the end of  "Bio Dad". He's back— and he's a bigger ass than anyone could have guessed. The reason he doesn't want anything to do with his son? "It's not part of the American Dream." Sigh.

DNADad asks at the end of every update that we pray for him. And apparently folks have been on bended knee. The tables are turning in DNADad's (and the son's) favor. While you're sending up your prayers, go on and say a few words for Bio Dad too. He ain't right within.

Keep reading to find out why:

DNA/Son, Hi Ms Lucas .I promised I would keep you in the loop. Here goes. I received another email yesterday from my boy's "bio", asking if we could meet for lunch around noon. I agree and asked if I could bring my lawyer along. He agreed in fact he insisted that he tag along.‬

 I really didn't know what to expect. so I tried to mentally prepare myself as much as possible. After exchanging pleasantries we got right down to business. Basically he wants to sign over his rights. I am 99% ecstatic, but there is that 1% that didn't sit right with me so I just had to ask‬.

I ask him how come he's so eager to discard his own flesh and blood. His response blew me away. I can't remember word for word but here is the gist of it:

"Men and women want the American Dream, the house, the car, the dream job, the perfect spouse, 2.5 kids a cat and a dog‬. Along with that dream comes bullsh--, martial probs, lost of funds, aliments and others things. The goal is not to focus on the bad but the American Dream itself. You have to be willing to do what every it takes to stay the course and steer clear of the bullshit. “[Name redacted] falls under bull shit, no offense. I’m sure he's a great kid, but he not apart of my American dream."

Ms. Lucas, he says a bunch of other hoopla, but after hearing him call my boy “bull shit”, I tuned him out. I actually had to. I take a look at my Jack D and thought maybe I've had a glass too many‬…

I swear I felt the hands of God anchoring me to my seat. It took everything within me to not get up and bust this arrogant son of a b---h in the mandible*.

Long story cut: after confirming DNA we will be able to start getting the paperwork drawn up. My lawyer says he can have the ball‬ [rolling] as early as Monday morning . I can't rejoice just yet until the ink is dry on paper work.

Ms. Lucas, I grew up with my Dad so I can't say what it’s like to not have one. I do however have pals that weren't so lucky. I can't for the life of me understand men who abandoned their children‬.

We still have a long road ahead of us in fixing this mess. I will continue to keep you posted. As always, pray for us and I will do the same.

*jawbone. I had to look it up. I know some of ya’ll were like “what’s that?” too. LOL. 

AskFM 2nd #DNADad UPDATE: Bio Dad Denies His Child

NOTE: This story was updated on Aug. 04, 2014. Please scroll to read the latest update. 

NOTE 2: This story was updated AGAIN on Aug. 15, 2014. CLICK HERE 

In many ways, I’ve learned to detach from some of the hard scenarios that come up on Ask.FM. It’s a defense mechanism to keep me from being weighed down all the time with other folks’s problems. But every once in awhile I get caught up. This story stayed with me.

A man wrote in recently to say that he recently found out that his 4-year old son that he had with his girlfriend is not biologically his. A couple of men who read his query weighed in to say that this is every man’s “worst nightmare” realized. As a woman, there’s little chance (barring a hospital mix up) that I’ll ever have to worry if the kid I’m raising is my own. But stories like these come up often enough—this isn’t the first time on even Ask.FM— that men have a valid concern.

The Brother who wrote was hurt more than anything, but also angry and unsure if he could continue a relationship with the child, who to complicate the situation, was calling to ask where he was.

The whole situation was heartbreaking. Take a read of the AskFM exchanges and see how it turned out:

Yesterday, I appeared in court to have a DNA test result read . It turns out the boy I have been taking care of for the last 4 years isn't mine. The mother has to back pay me yet that doesn't make me feel any better. I know men aren't supposed to cry, but everything is hurting even my toenails :(

"the boy" is your son. you've been his father for four years. is it possible to continue a relationship with him, especially as that is what is best for the child (and you)?

terribly sorry to hear what happened to you.

Dna/Son, I want to be there right now it hurts so much. He called me Saturday night (he is so proud that he learned my number the boy wont stop using it :) lol) He wanted to know why I wasn't there to watch him practice like I always am. This really sucks. He's my little man.

Work the ish out with the mom. Forgive her, as hard as that is. Do it for you and the kid, not her. And spend time with the kid. This story of you two being torn apart is breaking everyone's heart.

Please do not exit the kid's life because the mom is trife.

GM, TY for responding to my query. I was trying to be mean by asking for a DNA test because I was upset about our break up. I didn't think he wouldn't be my child. My mother is hurt as well. I lost a son xmas from a hit & run (he was 12). It feels like were mourning all over again :( I want to be there.

Woo damn.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your oldest son. But this kid who isn't biologically yours? You're the only father he's ever known, and he's the son you have... if you want to continue the relationship. The kid is here and he wants you.

You're hurt. I totally understand why. You were terribly deceived. But you CAN ease some of this pain. You would feel a million times better if the kid was still in your life. Tell me I’m wrong.

DNA/Son, Yes Ma'am you are right. I need him in my life. He's my boy. I am afraid that anytime he does something new, I will be left feeling like " Did he pick that up from me or is it a trait from his real dad?" I haven't seen him since the day at court. I'm crashing at my Mother's house.

I get why it matters to you. But in the grand scheme it doesn't, especially if it's a positive trait. Your role is to give him the best that you've got and mold him into a great man. Given our exchanges today, it sounds like you have a good heart and a level head, even when you're hurt. He needs to pick up those traits.

DNA/Son, Forgive me if I seem like some whiny crazed brother that has camped out on your site (If hard expressing my feelings to my friend we don't really talking about things of this nature). My daughters and I went to watch him practice this afternoon in fact just dropped him off an hour ago. His eyes lit up when saw us. He said to me Daddy I'm gonna run super fast and if I get hit, I'm not gonna cry just like you said. I 'm gonna take it like a man. I prayed so much the last few days. If I decided to stay I want to legally make him mine that way his mom can't pull any funny stunts."

I think getting legal rights is really smart. Hopefully, the mom is on board. leave out the "funny stunts" part when you talk to her.

I also want you to know that I'm really proud of you. It's taking A LOT for you to put your feelings aside for the situation and focus on what matters. I thought about your situation several times today. I know it's HARD, but the boy didn't ask for this and you being his Dad is all he knows. He needs you and you need him. I hope this works out for the best.

DNA/Son, lastly (I know you have others that need your help) I received an email this morning from the mom her defense is , She stepped out when we were having problems it was a 1x thing with a guy from HS and she didn't think he was a possible because they air both fair skin and the boy is my tone.

If she had sex with someone else around the same time, it was a 50/50 chance of who the father could be. She should have spoken up when she discovered she was pregnant. The "you two are the same color" isn't enough to reasonably think it's your child.

She has some things that she needs to work out and she needs to work some things out with you as well. I'm glad in the midst of this that you can still focus on what is best for the child.

DNA/Son, Thanks for the time and advice Ms. Lucas. Please keep us in your prayers and I will do the same. Goodnight. 

My take on this is clear from the responses above. But FB reader, Kia Richards, saw it a different way:

"I know this sounds harsh but unless this man plans on being an active part of the boy's life he needs to cut ties and move on. I'm assuming this man will date and move on to find love with someone else. Having the child around means he will have to deal with the ex which may complicate his future relationships. If he was my relative or friend I would suggest that he cuts ties. The mom needs to find out who the father is and make him take a proactive role in the life if his biological child."

What would you advise? 

UPDATE 08.04.14

"DNA Dad" as I've conveniently coined him, is back. He wrote in over the weekend to say that he was going to have dinner with his ex to hash out how they were going to clean us the messy scenario she caused by cheating on him and never mentioning the paternity of their child could be in question. Understandably, he was a nervous wreck. And unfortunately, his flurry of queries came through while I was away from my laptop:

"Good Afternoon, Ms. Lucas I know you might not get this in time. I am on my way to meet the Mother to try and work some things out. I feel real raw on the inside, really raw. I hope I can make it through dinner with a little grace. I just want my boy back in my life. Wish me luck please. :)"

When I didn't answer, he wrote back:

"I am a man that goes before God for guidance and I know as a Christian I must forgive. I think its only fair that I admit that in our six year relationship. She has giving a lot including taking on mother to my 3 kid whom I have full custody. I don't want to paint her as a monster."

I was still out. But when I read this, I kinda new that everything was going to be okay, or er,  as okay as can be in a situation like this.  His ex has made his worst nightmare a reality, and just two weeks later, he's able to recognize the good in her. Actually, I think they're going to get back together down the the line. Between this, and that the great revelation about the child's paternity came about because he was in feelings about their break up shows that there are still a lot of care involved here, at least on his end. If they could both show some maturity and some act right post-fiasco, they may be able to move beyond this betrayal.

"I guess you can tell I'm stalling by all of my rambling and chatter. I didn't think we would be going through this madness at this point in our lives but here we are. Maybe a drink will mellow me out. What do you think? Dinner is at 6."

I was back at my computer by 5:30, just in time to catch him for his last message before he headed in for dinner. He was waiting for me:

"I am about to walk a hole in my tiles from pacing back and forth. I'm meeting the Mother for dinner at 6:00 . My agenda is to work out something where I can have my boy back in my life. I need some encouragement to help me not blow my cool."

No matter what happens, focus on the end goal: getting the kid back in your life.

And be honest with her. You're hurt, disappointed, angry, all that, but you don't think she's a horrible person and you still want the child in your life. Add that you appreciate the sacrifices she made for your children.

She likely still wants you in the child's life, so you know. She's not exactly in a great position here.

I wasn't aware just how accurate that last sentence was. She got caught in a lie. A huge one. The man who's been financially supporting and loving her child may or may not bail, which leaves her child screwed and maybe her too if she's still in love with him.  In the best case scenario, Mom had to call and old beau and inform him years later that she had been pregnant with his kid, and had a child... who she had been passing off as someone else's for four years. If he had any sense, he'd demand a DNA test, which has got to be humiliating to be on the second test to determine paternity of your child. If the alleged biological dad was the actual biological dad (because at this point, her word is no good on this matter) she would have to figure out how to introduce a very confused little boy to his new father and hope New Dad was an active father in the kid's life the way First Dad was. The shit, to put it mildly, was a mess. Add to her stress that she was going to need to pick up the tab on some hefty therapy bills for her son down the line.

Those were my theories. Reality is much worse.

DNA Dad wrote back with a post-dinner update:

"Ms.Lucas, tonight I was a ball of emotions. I felt everything from wanting to smack her, which I would never do, to wanting to comfort her while she cried. The end goal has been met. There is a little boy asleep on my mother's sofa and I'm happily on a pallet on the floor . I don't mind:)

"I will get my son on weekends, I will pick. him up from summer camp or school and drop him home week nights after FB Practice. I'm not sure if it was my place but I Just had to ask her. I asked if the "Bio Dad" knows she informed me that she sent him an email after he didn't return her calls. I asked for his email address which she obliged and I too sent an email . I tried to explain that I am in no way looking to settle a score. What happened between them is in the past. My concern is for my boy. I invited him out for a drink so we can talk as men. He declined.

"Instead,  I was replied to with this: "Listen, man I told [redacted] and now I will tell you. I ain't in no position to take on no extra kids. What happened between [redacetd] and I should have never happened. I was in a bad space. I have now since fixed my marriage. We are doing great . Please just drop this. I think its best if we all just move on. I have two kids now which includes a 4 year old. My plate is full. Whatever you need me to do, let me know so that we can resolve this matter quickly and quietly."

This just became a verse (or three) of Trapped in the Closet. The guy she cheated with was married?! Has a four-year old?! Doesn't want anything to do with the kid?! And isn't telling his wife sh-- about it?!

The horror! The horror!!!!

Ok, back to DNA Dad:

"Did you catch that he called my boy a MATTER? I am going to save the email. I have been doing some research the last few days. I found out that if I can prove that the "Bio Dad" has abandoned his child, then I can get his rights terminated. I think this email alone proves that this guy is a huge douchebag. Monday morning, I will be getting a family lawyer."

Sounds like he is serious about getting custody of his son, not just talk, ACTION!! I wish them all the best, even the Mom.

Good night, Ms. Lucas .There are no words to thank you. Thank you doesn't do justice I am forever in your debt. We have a long road ahead and if its ok with you, I will like to keep you posted on how things are progressing. (Sorry for the million queries.) Again, pray for us. I will do the same. 

‪

Ask FM UPDATE: "Bad BFF is Engaged to her Ex-Friend's Fiancé"

 

Dear Demetria:

I’m back! Remember me? Bad BFF? Well, quick update ... I am engaged to the ex of my ex-BFF. Crazy how things work out, right? I hope all women learn a lesson from this: Never, ever pass up true love. Loyalty is essential but has its limits. I’m glad I was brave enough to make that move. Not many women are. My ex-BFF can’t help me build a family at the end of the day. The situation may have not been ideal, but we both did what needed to be done. My loyalty lies with the man I was blessed with. The intent was not to be shady, but life isn’t black and white. —S.B.

I love receiving updates from people who have written in for advice and taken it. Usually readers want me to know that the solution I offered worked in their favor and they have moved on from a situation that wasn’t fulfilling and now feel better, or they have worked out an issue with their partner and are back on steady ground. That makes me happy.

This update does not.

I recall your story well. You wrote in seven months ago to say that you’d slept with your best friend’s man and you felt very “guilty” when he proposed to her. Her would-be husband was walking around as if nothing had happened and showed no remorse. She, your friend of 17 years, seemed happy, and you were wondering if you should tell her at all, or maybe wait until she’d been married a few years and then spill. I encouraged you to actually be the friend you hadn’t been previously and to confess sooner rather than later.

That was a hard ask, since you would lose your friend, but you wrote back in to say that you did it. And I was very proud of you. You made an extremely bad choice in betraying your friend, but you did what was best for her—and you—on the back end. We all make bad choices, and we can all recover from them and become better people. I hoped that you were on your way to being a better woman and friend. This update lets me know that isn’t happening yet.

Comedian Chris Rock isn’t a relationship guru, but he has many classic jokes (in the form of astute observations) about relationships. A popular one is when he speaks of people in relationships who show off their partners because they are happy. He says, “If a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, when they walk away, his boy goes, ‘Aww, she’s nice. I have to get me a girl like that.’ If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, when they walk away, her girlfriend goes, ‘I got to get him ... and I will slit that [woman’s] throat to do it.’”

Of course, that doesn’t apply to all women. Most women would not go after their friend’s man. But it does apply to some, and it does, unfortunately, apply here.

Your initial story and this update tell me that you have serious insecurity issues about your former best friend. You want to be her, and because you can’t be, you want to hurt her. Why else would you have sex with her fiance and then turn around months later and speak of marrying him?

Having her prize isn’t going to get you her life. And while you might feel that you’re winning and deluding yourself with romantic notions of fate and destiny, you are losing more than you know. The only person winning here is your former friend. She got rid of two untrustworthy people in one fell swoop. You’re dealing with her headache now.

This man to whom you’ve pledged your life, the one you call a “blessing”? He’s made that pledge before, to a woman he cheated on. And he walked around as if nothing was wrong and popped the question afterward as if everything was A-OK.

Read more on TheRoot.com

Read the original "Bad BFF" story here 

The Root: Should I Snitch On A Cheating Friend?

Dear Demetria:

I have a friend who recently confessed to me that she slept with a mutual friend’s husband. The same mutual friend invited everyone over to her house, and my friend came, acting like everything was OK. I thought it was inappropriate for her to be there and didn't speak to her other than to say “Hi” and “Bye.”

I do not feel comfortable watching her smile in this woman's face, and I now question if she could or would do this to me. I don't want to judge her, but I just don't feel comfortable being around her right now. Should I tell or be quiet? —Anonymous

I have a feeling many readers are not going to like the gist of my answer, which is, essentially, be quiet and mind your business. It’s unfortunate that you’ve been drawn into this drama by being made privy to a big secret. I imagine that the friend who told you feels guilty about her actions and needed someone to talk to. She may even be hoping that you will do her dirty work for her by telling the wife what her husband and the “friend” are up to.

Don’t make it easy for her or put yourself in the middle of a battle that’s not yours to fight. This is for the wife, the husband and the alleged mistress to hash out whenever they get around to it. Surely you have enough to deal with on your own plate.

It’s clear that the friend isn’t ready to fess up, largely based on the fact that she hasn’t. What I don’t want from you, who have no proof of the affair, is to run to your friend to say, “Guess what!” and when the wife follows up with the mutual friend and her husband about what’s going on, they both adamantly deny the truth and blame you for being a messy or jealous friend. It’s their word against yours.

Without any proof, the wife is more than likely to go with the version of events that creates the least amount of upheaval in her life. That means you’re more likely to be cut from the circle of trust than the alleged mistress or the husband.

Another possible scenario here is that the mutual friend is jealous or has some issue with the wife or maybe bad blood with the husband, and she wants to upset their relationship. She may not have even had sex with the husband. You don’t really know what’s going on here, which is why I advise you to keep your mouth shut.

Maybe she did have or is having an affair with the husband. If you believe something is up and you must say something, pull aside your cheating friend and speak to her about your discomfort with what she’s told you and with being around her. Add that you don’t appreciate her involving you in this drama, and encourage her to end the affair and confess to the wife about what’s going on.

Read the rest on TheRoot.com 

Ask.FM UPDATE: The Complete #SuperBowl Saga

 

AskFM questions are anonymous, so I never really know if they’re real. After years of answering questions (over 30k) on Formspring and now Ask FM, the odds are that I’ve been catfished a few times. I answer, even the more intense questions, because what if the stories are real and the person really needs help and doesn’t know where else to go? Even if it’s made up, there may be someone out there who has aspects of a pseudo-situation going on in her own life and needs to hear the advice to do better.

Two weeks ago, a woman wrote in to say her man had gone to a Super Bowl party the night before and was “acting strange” when he returned home. Shortly thereafter, a neighbor pulled her aside and asked to show her something. That something was a video of the woman’s man receiving oral sex from another man. 

Twitter followers began referring to the woman as Super Bowl. For those who aren’t addicted to Ask.FM/ abelleinbk yet, this is the complete story—edited for typos and clarity—  thru last night.

Some folk have asked if this story is real. The truth is, I don't know. I actually hope it isn't. Over the course of two weeks, the story went to some really dark places. If someone made it up? They are wasting a lucrative talent that could be put to better use as a screenwriter or a novelist. 

Oh, and we’re moving to abelleinbrooklyn.com/askbelle. I’ll still answer Ask.FM questions for awhile, but I will primarily be on the new page.

‪”BF was acting strange when he came home from his homie's Super Bowl party. I asked him, “what’s up?” He said, “nothing.”  The chick upstairs from us stops me at the mailbox today and told me she wants to show me something. I followed her upstairs to her apartment. She tells me she makes it a habit to stay out of‬ people's business, but I seem like a cool chick and I should know. Why did this chick show me a video on her phone [of my boyfriend] getting brain from a dude?

“Belle, I am hurt.  I confronted him he said he was drunk and it’s just a blow job. WTF? First, why tape yourself? Second, how did it get out? Third, now I feel less of a woman, like I wasn't doing my job if my man getting brain from a dude. I told him he's an undercover p--- and to get out MY apartment. We end up fighting cause he didn’t want to leave and what makes matters worst is I just found out I’m pregnant."

First, it's not your fault. Your man also likes men. That is not a reflection on you. There's nothing you could have done that would make him not like men. That's not about you.

Second, this isn't the first time he's received oral from a guy. Maybe the first time he taped it, but you don't record your first try. He was comfortable being taped and with the person who was pleasuring him. The person who recorded it leaked it. It's could be on the Internet, maybe World Star or XVideos, if your neighbor saw it.

It's not "just" a blow job. It's sex AND it's sex with a man. He might have let it be recorded because he was drunk, but you don't get drunk and suddenly become attracted to the same sex when you're straight (or on that side of the Kinsley scale). He's also attracted to men when he's sober too. He might use liquor to "let himself off the hook" for any guilt he feels about being attracted to men.

I do not recommend that unmarried women stay or try to work it out with men who cheat on them with women and I don’t think any woman should stay with a man who cheats with men. You've kicked him out. So you seem to share that outlook.

Re: your pregnancy. You have options. You can co-parent the child with your now ex or you can choose not to keep the child. What do you want to do here? There's no right or wrong answer.

Also, you do need to be tested for HIV. Your ex has been engaging in risky behavior and you two have not been having safe sex. That's a priority.

“I wasn't sure if you would be able to get back to me so soon, but thank you. I haven't told him bout the baby yet. I was going to surprise him on V-Day. I'm not going to keep it. I have a busted window, a busted lip and a hole in my heart. I’m not trying to raise a baby with that thang. I don’t even know what to call him. A friend of mine is gay and every time he comes around  [my ex]  is so quick to put him down. Now look at [my ex] living a lie. At least my friend is honest. I’m planning on going to the clinic on my lunch break tomorrow.”

I didn't realize when you said "fight" before that meant physical.

Do what you feel is best for you, but your lunch break isn't the time to get it done. It’s not botox. You can't go back to work after. You need a day (or more) to recover. Do your research.

“I have to figure something out. I keep looking at my lip in the mirror and the hood in me wants to call my brother and have him put a foot on him. But it ain’t even worth it. Don't need my family in chains, so the safest thing right now is for me to go to bed.”

You can call the police as you've been assaulted.

A few days later, Super Bowl was back with an update. She was still in the relationship, and her focus was tracking down the man who performed oral sex on her man.

“I know you said don't be doing all that snooping, but I couldn't sleep. I went back upstairs to ask old girl bout the video. She says another chick in our complex sent it to her because the dude (my man) looked familiar. We went to the chick’s apartment. She said her BFF texted it to her. Who is her BFF?‬

The other chick showed me the original text:  "celebrating the Super Bowl with my n---a breaking him off with this fiyah head. Girl ain’t he cute?" Her BFF is the dude in the video. l asked for his number. She said no, she isn’t trying to be messy. Like you already being messy…”

You're focused on details that don't matter. Is it, or is it not, your man... on video... getting dome from another guy?

Why does it matter how [your neighbor] got the video, or who the guy is? [Your neighbor] did you a solid by giving you a heads up. I know you're upset, but it is absolutely crazy to call him. What are you going to say, "Hey, James, why were you giving my man head?"

This is a big shock. I know. But let's be reasonable here.

Is your man still in the apartment? He's been cheating on you. Have you been tested for STIs and HIV? These are the things that matter right now.

“It matters to me because he promised he would change after the last time. Now he’s doing men too. I’m good to him. What am I not doing? Even after he gave me a STD, I took him back. And yes, I got checked out today and I am fine. I don't know what I’m going to do bout the baby‬. If I get this abortion it will be the third one with him and I don't really want to do it. But look at the f---ed up situation. If I keep it, I want it to have a real family, but I cant raise a baby and try to police his ass. He say he want me but he ain’t trying to do right."

Honey, you’re in love with a man who isn't doing you right. Who hasn't done you right many times over based on what you're saying. You love him. You got to love you too.

There's a video of your man receiving oral sex from another man floating around your city. And you want to work on this relationship. Is that correct? And he's not "trying to do right", but you're still considering it? Is that accurate?

Baby girl, he didn't change after he cheated before. We're on time 2, maybe 3, that you know about. And this time, it's with another man. How many chances are you going to give?

This stops only when YOU say "enough!" how much more are you going to endure? How many more STDs? How many more abortions? How much more pain?

This isn't love. It's pain and endurance. It's not one in the same.

You deserve better than this. You may not think it, but you do. And you can have someone who will treat you better and you don't have to police him, and your neighbors won't show you video of him with anyone else, especially not another man. You may not think it, but you can. Pinky swear, promise.

It's not about what you're not doing. It's not even about you. Stop making it that way. He doesn't get the power to define your worth. Stop giving that away to him.

Re: the abortion, only you can determine what the right answer there is.

“I’ve been with him off and on since I was 15. I just turned 20. He will be 40 soon. We have history and because of that it’s hard to shake him or my love for him. He pays for my school, my rent, everything. On the taking care of me thing, he is good. It’s the  loving [that’s a problem].

"I want to make my Grandma proud and be something. All of my brothers are thugs. I want better in life and he is helping me get there.  So I try to look at this as earning my stripes. When I finish school, we will move and start fresh in another state. Loving me is hard. He told me he loves me, but because of how his wife did him, he’s scared to let himself love all the way. I want better. I want to be loved better. If I can’t make this work my only choice is to go back home to my Grandma like a failure."

Babes, it's not failing to walk away from a man who isn't treating you right, and who sexually abused you when you were a teenager. It's winning to love you enough to put you first. I understand why that's hard for you to grasp. Essentially, you've been preyed on from when you were a kid and groomed for this position.

Do you have anyone at your school you can talk to? A counselor? Most schools have them.

You're 20, you've had 2 abortions for a man old enough to be your dad, and who sexually abused you too. No 35 year old man has any business with a 15 year old child he is not raising, coaching or related to.

You've also had an STI. He cheated before, he's still cheating on you and he's not going to stop. Why would he? There are no consequences. You don't leave.

If your goal is to make granny proud, this is not the way to go about it. Not at all. Not by a long shot. And walking away from THIS doesn't make you a thug, or worthless, or degenerate or anything negative.

Love isn't earning stripes. It's not an endurance test to see how much you can put up with and for how long. That's not how it works. The old man you're messing this may have told you otherwise, but he lied to you. And him picking up the tab on school or bills or anything else isn't a pass for him to cheat the first, or second, or third time, and not with another woman or another man. He doesn't love you. He says he does. He doesn't act like it. The love is in the ACTIONS.

How his wife did him is not your problem. If he's not ready to commit, he doesn't need to be in a relationship. If he can't love you in full then you need to find someone who can.

Moving to another state doesn't change anything. He will find another woman and another man and he will do the same thing there that he does where you are now. And you will be going through the exact same thing you are now, with another STI and another abortion. The location is not the problem. His disrespect is the problem. And you not knowing you deserve better is the problem.

He is who he is. That is not going to change for you. You need to leave. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you do. And you need to talk to a professional because you've been in a bad situation a really, really long time.

You can get a better situation and a better man when you let this situation go. Nothing gets better for you as long as you stay in this.

I didn’t hear back from her for several days after that. Last night, she returned to say they’re still together and she caught him cheating again— with a woman.

“Oh, my God! I caught him today with a new chick. I went to his brother’s  house because he’s been ducking me. I went looking for him, figured he would be over there. He was with another chick. I feel like my heart is being stabbed with a fork. He doesn’t want me or my baby!" 

This is the THIRD time you've caught him cheating on you. He's not going to stop. He wants to see other people- hence why he is seeing other people-- men and women.

Feeling like your heart is being stabbed is a totally normal reaction. But so you know, it's felt that way two times already, and it will continue to feel that way until you leave.

You need to do what is best for you and your baby. And it is NOT staying in this relationship. I thought you were going home to your grandmother's house. Why are you still with him? You're already putting your sanity at risk; don't CONTINUE to put your health and life at risk by staying with a man who cheats on you constantly with men and women.

“I’m stressing him and he can’t take it. He said he doesn’t have time for a dumb girl that can't take orders right. I messed up. I should have let the video ride. I’m so dumb. I knew he was having his hours cut at work and I keep bring up petty stuff to add to his stress. How do I make this right?”

Why are you "taking orders" from your BF? This relationship started out in an entirely dysfunctional way and it's continued. You were way underage and he was a grown man ILLEGALLY taking advantage of you being young and naive. You're 20. You are a woman. You don't take orders from your boyfriend.

Let the video ride? Your boyfriend was receiving oral sex from another man. He was cheating on you. You don't let that ride. You leave. And not just because it's another man. But also because it's the THIRD time you CAUGHT HIM cheating.

You're not dumb. You're in a bad situation and you're making bad choices. HE is creating the stress by cheating on you. HE is creating the stress by dealing with a woman 20 years his junior who was ILLEGAL when he met you. This is NOT ON YOU.

You cannot bring a child into this drama. Pack your things and go home. Please.

You make it right by going home-- and staying there. It's not going to get better, only worse, if you stay.

“He didn't even try to explain and the chick laughed like it’s f---ing funny when I screamed on him. I don't know what I did to make him not love me anymore. Maybe I gained weight, but I don’t look pregnant. I am only 11 weeks. I love him. He is it for me. I have to show him and not stress him.”

H‬oney, I feel for you, I do. A lot of women reading do.

This man is making it plain as day that he does not care about you. And until you leave, it's going to get worse and worse for you. If you want a better life than this, you have to take the first step and leave.

The screaming means nothing. He's done it 3-4x that you know of and you stay. So you yelled again. He's not changing. He has shown you who he is. What you're getting now is what you're going to always deal with from him.

He is not it for you. You've been with him since you were illegal for him. You don't know any different. But I promise you, there is more to the world than him. You can have someone who will treat you nice and won't cheat on you. Or you can just be alone and just as happy not have to deal with all this never-ending drama.

You can't make him love you. You CAN NOT DO IT. Please, for you, stop trying. Exert that effort into loving you and your baby.

“He’s the only man I love. How do I show him that? I want to keep the baby. How do I make him see the baby is a good thing? I can’t do another abortion. I don't want God to punish me for keep killing babies."

Loving him is nice. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU TOO, and you have to be with someone who actually loves you.

The guy who cheats on you rampantly, and then blames you for stressing him about it is not in love with you. He doesn't care about you. He has been using you and taking advantage of you since you were 15.

Did you check in with your school to see if there's a counselor you can talk to like I asked you too?

You're in a bad place, and have been for a very long time. But this does not get better until you get out of this relationship.

You don't want to have a third abortion, don't have one. You have a right to make that choice. You and your baby go back to grandma and you figure it out from there. You do not bring a child into this havoc.

“If I call my Grandma she is going to be so upset and hit me with a bunch of “stupid girls” and “I told you so.” That’s why I left. Who wants to hear everyday “you ain’t shit and you gonna end up strung out like your mama”?” 

Granny's got her own issues and that's horrible. It's also still better than this.

The End… for now.

AskFM UPDATE: But Who's the Father?!

A woman wrote in yesterday to say that her husband's ex girlfriend had asked him to be the godfather of her new baby. Hub's Ex has asked him to be God-dad to her 6wk old son. The same Ex that caused problems when he and I got together, the same Ex that I told him to cease communication with. Apparently he has not. I'm so ticked right now. This chick will not go away.

This is a really wild for the night ask. And I'm wondering what man is okay with the mother of his child making her ex the godfather to her kid. Is the ex not with the child's father already? Hmm...

But the bottom line here was why was the ex  so comfortable aking this of her ex who is now married?

My answer:

That's on [your husband]. He's sending her messages that it's ok to stay around. Ask him what it will take for him to leave this woman alone.

And asking him to be the kid's godfather is out of pocket. All it is, is a way to have a tie to him.

Something's up. Who's the father of the kid??

UPDATE 2:

My spidey senses were tingling. Something wasn't right at all about this story. Like why would a man even ask his wife to consider this? UNLESS... this was the lesser of some greater evil.

Hmmm...

She wrote back:

Belle, thats the same question I asked. He got upset. Now he wants to paint me the jealous insecure wife. We have an infertility woe we're currently dealing with (endometriosis) which makes my answer[to his ask] not "no", but a strong "HELL NO!!!"

She didn't answer the most important question, which was my bad. In a rare instance, I tip-toed around what I really wanted to say. I tried again.

ok, but who did he say is the father of the kid? i just can't see the kid's dad being like "sure, your ex who you can't let go of, can be the godfather."

is this your husband's kid is what I was trying to ask in a roundabout way. that's my bad for not being direct.

you're not jealous or insecure for having a problem with a woman that he won't let go.

UPDATE 3:

The wife said she already asked:

No, I got that, and asked him if the child's his. He said it's not. But my gut is telling me to do some digging. The way he stormed out of the house this afternoon seems rather suspect. Also he's not picking up his phone. I'm throwing his ass out tonight!!! This is too much for me.

My response:

if your gut is telling you something is up, something is up.

i know you're angry, but calm down and think things through before you throw him out. this isn't a relationship. it's a marriage.

UPDATE 4:

Like everyone else, I like being right. But given the nature of what I do, sometimes I like to be wrong. I don't like peeing on people's lives or pouring on their parades. However, if they ask me what I think, I feel obligated to be honest-- and unfortuately, the honest answer and the right answer, aren't always the answers folks want, even when they ask.

The elders told us to be careful what we ask (for), for a reason.

The wife wrote back in this morning. I won't post the full (and long) response right now out of respect. She's not thinking clearly, and honestly the details don't matter:

My marriage was supposed to be my place of solace, not a source of grief. I made sure I was a good wife to him. I cook, I clean, I do every freaky nasty thing in the bedroom that he requested. So why wasn't it enough? I work hard as hell! Yet, I still managed to be a wife to him.

No matter how many hoops I've jumped through, or how many stars I've pulled from the sky, I somehow failed. This bitch has done what I could never do in 8 years: give my Hubs a baby. I can't compete with that.

Damn.

Hit me up. I read all your responses. This isn't an ask.fm solution and it isn't a quick answer: coachedbybelle at gmail dot com