AskFM Final UPDATE: But #whoisthefather

When we left off with this story (CLICK HERE), the wife had gotten ahold of the contact information for the man who likely believed that he was the father of her husband’s child.  He was in the military, stationed overseas.

For obvious reasons, the wife wanted some sort of revenge for the BS her husband and his child’s mother put her through. And what better way to do that than make things even messier for the mother of her husband’s child. But would she go through with it?

I'm holding in my hands a manila folder. In this folder is an address. The address to where this bitch's beau is stationed. I have the tools to crush her, to make her feel the same misery I'm feeling.

Anyone in my position would feel so empowered right now. The sad truth is I'm not built that way.  I couldn't maliciously hurt another human and sleep peacefully at night. I imagine this soldier sitting in his tent or whatever housing situation the military provides. I imagine him awaiting a letter, a postcard, a photo of whom he believes to be his new son. My hub's son.

I'm quite sure he's excited. I bet he is counting down the days he has left until he's able to go home to his happy little family. I want to burst his happy little bubble. I want him to know exactly what kind of conniving, immoral whore he has given his heart to. Then I think about his pain, his hurt. He doesn't deserve this, any of it. Who am I to inflict my pain onto him?

Maybe the Almighty will sort it out. The universe has a way of righting wrongs. Maybe I will keep my mouth shut and let him ride this rollercoaster off into lala land. Ignorance is bliss isn't it? It was for me.

I can't help but think maybe I was better off not knowing. You give your heart to a person, with the notion that it will be taken care of. You allow yourself to love hard. You love fully. You love blindly. You see past faults, flaw, every little imperfection. You love so deep that you forget which way is up. You become so love sick that you go through withdrawal when he's not around. His touch, his smell, his taste becomes a drug. Belle, I'm going through withdrawal and it's the most painful, exhausting thing I've ever experienced. The only thing that is keeping me going is my job. I swear if I didn't have a plane to catch in a hour. I would check myself Into the Looneybin.

I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. That plane she had to catch? Vacay.  Those long hours she’d been putting in at the office (before she came home to cook dinner for Hubs) were because she wanted to surprise her husband with a Christmas getaway.

Obviously, he wasn’t making the trip. So she hopped a flight with her best friend instead. (I don’t know who that man is, but I send a big “thank you” into the universe for him having her back.)

She hit me when she returned.

I'm hanging in there. I just got back in the country a little while ago. Yes, visited Cuba. I've worked every major holiday this year, just so I could surprise hubs with this trip. Welp, you know how that turned out. The trip would have been a total waste, if my dear friend hadn't convinced me that he and I should go. I put on a brave face and muscled through it though. To my surprise I had a pretty ok time. I always get a kick out of watching my friend try and pick up dudes.

 I apologize if I'm rambling. I guess I'm trying to gather my thoughts and figure out how to put my feelings into complete sentences. I'm not going to take up too much of your time. But I do want to give you a brief update about my plans. I will be filing a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, first thing this morning. I'm heading to the office now. There is no need for a Trial or Legal Separation. I'm not interested in martial counseling I just want to start over. New beginning for a new year.

At this point the why's and how's doesn't even matter. I'm not going to further stress myself out trying to figure it all out. Would you believe he's blaming me for his indiscretion? He says I put my job before him. He often felt neglected. I was emotionally unavailable. That's quite laughable isn't it.  I didn't know I had to choose between a career and a husband. Why couldn't I have both? So many questions . I'm left doubting myself, dissecting my entire marriage.

I'm slowly coming to grips that this marriage is irretrievably broken. You only get one time to cheat on me or beat on me and I'm out. I also decided I will not be writing this chick's beau. It's not me who needs their soul purged. I will let her woman up and do the right thing. I would be lying if I said my spirit isn't in mourning. I guess the only thing I can do now, is take things one day at a time and hopefully things will work out in my favor.

My response:

I'm glad to hear Cuba was a blast. I've always wanted to go. You must tell me how you circumvented the US gov.

Most people would say you're doing the right thing, given the child, the physical abuse, and then him blaming this circumstance on you.

 As a reminder: this is not your fault. You know this. But it may help to hear it from an outside source. Also as a reminder, there are STILL a lot of women praying for your well-being. People ask me about you regularly and tell me they have prayed and are praying. Don't know of you believe in God, but people who do are on bended knee.

Sounds like l you have a good friend in your guy bestie and I am thankful he is there for you when you need him.

You're doing the right thing by NOT telling the other woman's boyfriend. That you're not vindictive and driven by hurt and anger gives me further indication that you have a sound mind and you will be okay in the long run. Others are rooting for you; I am too.

If all that you said about holding down your husband is true, you will be swooped up in no time by a man who honors commitment and is happy to do right by you. You're not ready now, but when you are, remember that you have options.

The following day, I received an (bizzare) email from the wife’s e-mail address:

You're friends with the owner of this laptop? Can you tell her that she left it at the coffee shop yesterday? We waited for her to come back in, she never did. Whoever she was on the phone with, Shorty was going HAM on them.  

Give her the head’s up that somebody named [redacted] is gonna be pissed about the emails we sent out. Our bad. She might need to let her know it was a joke. Hope they won't have no hard feelings.  

Good news is she can get her laptop back.  We’re gonna give it to the fool at the counter. [Your girl] might want to put a password on it to cause it's some foul shit on here. If you got her number, call her to tell her it’s gonna be at the shop. Just the lap top tho'. The Beats by Dre [headphones], I’mma keep cause I coulda been nasty and kept everythang. You can’t get much for a [redacted brand name] anyway.

 A’ite, coach! What kind of sport she play?. I bet ladies’s basketball with her [redacted identifying information].

#lgklick4life

 Ya’ll ain’t see that ending coming.

UPDATE 12/19/14 

After this post went live today, the wife... or, er, ex-wife contacted me to explain that last email in more detail. I thought it was clear that someone had got ahold of her computer and was sending out emails on it, but perhaps not.

Oh my god!!! I didn't realize you too had received emails. I am so so so sorry. My [laptop] was hacked. Personal emails were sent out including a draft I [had] written to my Ex Husband's mistress beau, [ie, the solider]. Naked pictures of me were sent to a few of my male colleagues (pictures that were meant for my Husband’s eyes only). I was almost fired behind this. My contract states my work [laptop] is for work and work only.

All of the emails are from me, EXCEPT the one you deemed bizarre. Secondly, my divorce was finalized in August. I am still single.  I am still working the crazy hours (in a weird way, it helps me cope). Lastly, I can wholeheartedly say that I am in a better headspace. The past year has been a roller coaster ride, but my God is faithful. He is seeing me through it all.

To you and your readers: thanks a million for all of your prayers and well wishes.

Fin

Ask.FM UPDATE: But #whoisthefather

Last December, I offered readers the resolution to this story, but not the details.

A woman had written in to Ask.FM to say that her husband asked her if he could be the godfather to his ex’s child. It was an ex who had caused problems in their marriage before. The wife didn’t even know they spoke to one another.

That face you just made? Same one she did. Same one I did.

I detailed my exchange with the wife HERE shortly after the story happened.

Something wasn’t right with  this story. Where was the father of this child, and how was he okay with an ex-boyfriend that this woman was all into being tied to their child? And why were the husband and a woman who had caused the problems in the marriage still in touch? And how were they still close enough that she would ask him to damn near be a member of the family?

My first guess? It’s the husband's kid.

The wife did some snooping, and lo and behold, it was her husband's baby. What made this situation doubly painful was the wife is unable to have children.

When the wife wrote to me describing how she found out, she was raw and distraught, likely how any one of us would be under the circumstances. I didn't post her full story because I wanted to give her a chance to ask me not to. Plenty of times people tell me deep, dark stories anonymously, and then come back hours or days later, asking me not to respond (or remove the queries/responses). I usually abide by their wishes.

It's been a year. ‪This is the part of the story I left out of the first post.

In case you were wondering what started this whole mess here it is. I came home early last week Wednesday. I somehow misplaced my jumpdrive. So I was backtracking trying to retrace my steps. Hubs was online looking at those playpen things. Weird, I thought, but really didn't pay it no mind. I was there for my missing jumpdrive.

He started acting weird then explaining why he's online. He goes into a whole sermon about how young Black boys need mentors and role models. That's when he slipped in the God-dad foolishness. He was really trying to sell me on the idea.

 The more he talked the stranger he sounded. Like, when did this chick come back into the picture? Our last discussion about her was [two years ago]. We had an argument about an inappropriate hug at a mutual friends baby shower. We have since switched phone companies and both have new phone numbers. How was he and this [chick] in contact now? He must have sought her out or something.

Either this man is dumb, doesn't care, or simply forgot what line of work I'm in. I called in a favor from a friend. Within an hour, I had chick's phone number & home address. After calling Hubs for the 100th time, I paid her a visit. (Dangerous, I know. Felt I had no choice)

I didn't want to go this route, but Hubs wasn't giving me the answers I needed. I roll up there & to my surprise, she lets me in. Take a wild guess who's all hugged up with the infant?? I didn't want to act foolish, so I simply say, " Well, hello love. What in the hell are you doing?”

Him: "Oh, um, I just stopped by to let her know I can't be the God-dad." Bullshit! I must have stupid written across my forehead. OMG! Belle it took everything in me not to tear this woman's house to shreds. I knew right then what I was afraid to ask. But couldn't. So, I ask, “why, why her?”

Him: "It was a mistake." I laughed out at his ass not because of his answer. I really don’t know why the hell I laughed. One thing I did know? Ain't no way I was going to let that [redacted] see me cry. You would think she would have been offended at him calling her a mistake. No, not at all

Her smug ass took the baby and sat in the seat across from him. I told him I would take off my ring and throw it at him, but I have a better idea. I'm pawning this mother-fucker. I left him right there and went home. I put the chain lock on the door.

He broke it [when he came home]. I stood in our bedroom doorway. I told him to leave now or the police will make him. Do you know he slapped the hell out of me and said I better never threaten him again? Girl, why he did that? Honey, I went ape shit on him I don’t know this guy at all

My marriage was supposed to be my place of solace, not a source of grief. I made sure I was a good wife to him. I cook, I clean, I do every freaky nasty thing in the bedroom that he requested. So why wasn't it enough? I work hard as hell! Yet, I still managed to be a wife to him

No matter how many hoops I’ve jumped through, or how many stars I’ve pulled from the sky, I somehow failed. This bitch has done what I could never do in 8 years: give my Hubs a baby. I can’t compete with that.

My response?

Hit me up.

She contacted me the following day. She wasn’t up for coaching or advice, but she did want to share her story and wanted me to listen.

I'm writing to thank you for allowing me to cry on your cyber shoulder. Believe me when I say it has been a rough 24 hours. I've never experienced pain of this magnitude and I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. No one deserves to feel the way I'm feeling right now.

I feel as if my whole marriage has been a joke. Working as a [redacted], I've witnessed the demise of a lot of marriages. I've worked with a plethora of lawyers and  private investigators, so I know to some extent the  devastating effects of a cheating spouse. Never in a million years, would I've imagine my husband would be one of those cheaters.

You hear stories and you think that will never be me. I've searched every part of my brain and honestly I'm bewildered as to how I didn't see this coming. My heart is completely shattered. My face is bruised. My self-esteem at the moment is nonexistent. I don't know where or how to start the process of moving forward. I'm hurting like a bitch.

I'm usually very successful at achieving the goals I've set for myself. Oh, boy how I've failed with this one though. I thought my marriage was bulletproof. My solace. Is it me? Was I not holding up my end of this marriage?

Maybe it was the long hours of work. Or the traveling. I thought I struck a balance, I made it a priority to see to it that my man is taken care of. I was his superwoman. Working 13 and 14 hours a day, I still managed to cook his favorite meals, call him throughout the day, sex him crazy, and iron his clothing the way he likes it. I'm lost. What was it he was lacking? What wasn't I doing that my man felt the need to stick his dick in another [redacted]?

Maybe it was just me. A man wants a whole woman, someone that can give him a namesake. Belle, it hurts to even breathe. I'm having a hard time even putting together halfway decent sentences to email you.  

My  P.I. friend tells me that this chick had a man she was living with. He's in the army. He was deployed 4 months ago. It's unclear if he knows about her and my Hubs.

Speaking of Hubs he  left me a hand written note on my windshield this morning. He wants to talk. That's rich, isn’t it? He says, "I know I've hurt you. I'm willing to do what ever it takes to rectify this not so pleasant situation." Oh, I should add he was even nice enough to say "Take as much time you need.  When you're ready to talk I will be at my mother's."

Ha! What a guy right?  As if there anything left to talk about.

I told her she could email me whenever she wanted. She followed up a few days later. She wanted me to know she'd talked to some of her PI friends again…

I'm holding in my hands a manila folder. In this folder is an address, the address to where [the mother of my husband's child's] beau is stationed.  I have the tools to crush her, to make her feel the same misery I'm feeling.

To be continued…

Ask Demetria: 3 Years Into My Relationship, I Want to Be Celibate

Dear Demetria:

I decided to become celibate three years into a long-distance relationship. He’s so quick to want to have sex, but doesn’t want to communicate or practice being open and honest (i.e., texting other women, using Snapchat, etc.) I told him we will not be having sex until I feel that I can trust him again. Am I wrong to withhold sex? I know this will be harder for him than it is for me. He reacted better than I thought. —Anonymous

You’re never wrong for refusing to have sex with a man you don’t trust and who may be cheating on you. That’s not being selfish. It’s being smart. But it’s also not being celibate as much as it is a woman trying to make her man act right and stop creeping. If he did as you ask, sex would be back in play. That’s not celibacy. That’s withholding sex until you get your way.

I have to admit that my initial reaction to your query was, “I’m sorry, what?!” I got stuck at the part about stopping sex after three years, a unilateral move to eliminate an important aspect of your relationship. I’m a feminist who wholeheartedly believes it’s your body to do with what you want or not. I’m also a realist who understands it’s relationship homicide to change the rules of the game three years into an unofficial contract and seemingly without even a discussion.

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it is a thing—a big thing. Great sex can make a good relationship, well, great. It can keep a mediocre relationship in play just a little bit longer (but can’t save it). It’s not to be underestimated. Or to be eliminated without serious discussion with your partner. You lucked out, kind of, that your man is on board with this.

I say “kind of” because while you may have won this battle, you’re losing the war. He’s texting and Snapchatting lots of women, and the fact that you know this when you live out of town means he’s running amok. He can’t even pull it together the rare times when you’re around. Who knows (I mean other than him) what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with?

But you need to take it a step further and cut him off completely. I get what you’re tying to do here by cutting off sex: make him act right. I hate to tell you that it’s not going to work. He’s nonchalant about not having sex with you anymore because he’s getting cake by the pound at home.

Read more: here 

"I Photograph My Man's Penis to Stop Him From Cheating"

Yeah. You read that title right.

On yesterday's episode of the Steve Harvey show, there was a segment called, "Is It Weird?" Guests with quirks 'fess up and ask Harvey, a couple experts, and of course, the audience, if what they do is normal or abnormal.

Today's guest though?

Bonkers.  (You can watch below.)

Meet Jeanne. She's white, late 30s/ early 40s, blonde (wig?) and has been in a relationship for 7 years with "he most gorgeous man I've ever seen. Women just flock to him. He has a very charming personality. He could have a lot of women if he wants to."

For the first 3 years of the relationship, Jeanne used to flip out when her man was out of the house, blowing up his phone and sitting home wondering if he was up to something. This was (obviously) causing tension between them, so together THEY came up with a plan to chill her out.

Jeanne: "I get a marker out and sign his private parts and then take a picture of it. He can go enjoy his guy time. I can enjoy my evening and not stress. and he comes home, he shows it to me. and I look at the camera and it has to match."

Ma'am?  Really?

Steve and clinical psychologist John Duffy, one of the experts that day, practically fell out.

Steve: When you say you sign it, what do you put on it?

Jeanne (straight face): My name.

Oh, and this has been going on for four years

Sigh.

This is obviously insane. And Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry, the other expert, hit the bottomline: "Why go through all of that for someone you don't trust?"

*throws church fan*

Check out the full segment below:

[video width="600 " height="300" id="35a1WaPSj0A" type="youtube"]

Ask Demetria: My Cheating Husband Wants Us To Keep Up Appearances

 

Dear Demetria:

I am beyond blown. My husband decides to let me know last night that he has been having a two-year affair with a co-worker. I am in a daze right now. He is also begging me to still go to Thanksgiving dinner with his family because his mom has been dealing with major health issues and this would be too much for her. I adore his mother and she is honestly dealing with some major health issues, but I just think he is trying to “save face.” I just want to hide under my comforter and cry. What do you think? —Anonymous

Before I say anything else, I am sorry. I am sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry you got blindsided with this right before the holidays. I am sorry your husband is a sorry man.

But hold up. Your husband just did the emotional equivalent of kicking you in the chest and has you walking around “in a daze,” and you’re trying to be a good wife, concerned about him and his mama? Who is worried about you, boo? I’m asking: You OK, sis?

I’m appalled that your husband would spring this on you the week of Thanksgiving. And I wonder why now, since he hadn’t said anything all this time. What’s the catalyst for this horrific timing? Not that there’s ever really a “right” time to drop this information on a spouse, but doing it right before he wants you to show up and play nice for his family certainly isn’t it.

Why didn’t he wait until after Thanksgiving? Or after the holidays altogether? Or, since he’s so worried about how this news will affect his very sick mother, who sounds as if she might go any day, until after she passes?

I’m going to guess that someone found out about his affair and gave him a “you tell your wife or I will” ultimatum. What I know is, he didn’t confess out of guilt. Because any man with half a brain—or at least one who wants to make his marriage work—knows that if his wife finds out he’s cheating, he’s supposed to fall on his sword. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry ... ” is all he’s supposed to say, not, “Yeah, so I know I just destroyed our marriage, but could you pull yourself together for my mom’s sake?” You’re his wife and all you want to do is cry. His concern isn’t about what he’s done to you but what your absence at Thanksgiving will do to his mama. Like I said: sorry.

Let’s be clear: Your missing dinner isn’t going to send his mama to the great beyond. But perhaps finding out that part of her legacy is having a sorry man for a son could. That, however, is between that man and his mama. The effect and appearance of him showing up to Thanksgiving sans wife was something he should have thought about while he was carrying on with his co-worker and, later on, when he was telling you about it. If he was so concerned about what his mother thought, perhaps he should have invested more energy in living in a way that would make her—and his wife—proud.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: "My Ex Abandoned Me (and the Kids), But Now He Wants A Second Chance"

Dear Demetria:

My boyfriend cheated and abandoned me and my kids. I didn’t even know he was leaving. I came home and his things were gone. I started dating a great guy, but after a year my ex has returned and wants to get married. The new guy has been there for that year, helping me with financial issues and me. Would I be wrong for going back to my ex? I still love him, and he said he needed time to give me 100 percent like I gave him. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like I never should have been without my ex. —Anonymous

Don’t be a fool for love. You’re in love with a man who, from what you’re telling me here, doesn’t deserve what you want to offer him. The guy who deserves it? He’s the one who’s been doing the most, pitching in to help financially and taking care of you while you’re a mess, pining for a man who doesn’t appreciate you. Just as you hope your ex will appreciate you the second time around, I wish you could appreciate the man in front of you. You’d be so much happier in the long run.

Your ex is no good for you. He walked out on you and your kids, and for a year he never looked back. He didn’t care how the rent (or mortgage) got paid or how you would explain his absence to the kids or the emotional toll it would take on you. He wanted to go and didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye. This is not the type of man you give a second chance to, much less marry. If you go back to him, he will do it again. He fundamentally does not respect you or commitment.

Let me tell you where your ex has been. He wasn’t sitting up somewhere in a monastery, praying daily and taking vows of silence and abstinence to find the God within himself. While you were trying to figure out how to take care of your kids on one income again, he was finding himself laid up with the woman (or one of the women) he was cheating on you with. While you were crying your eyes out about him leaving, he was taking her to dinner and buying her trinkets and whispering sweet nothings. While your kids were asking, “Where’s so-and-so?” he may have been splurging on this other woman’s child, trying to win that child’s affection and more of his or her mama’s. You’ll never know what he was up to because while you were holding it down, he was not there anymore.

Because some version of this question comes up over and over and over in my inbox, I’m going to safely say that the woman or women he was with all this time either bored him or got rid of him. Now he needs some attention, and he’s shown back up at your door begging and promising the world and everything in it. It’s a mirage, hon. Don’t be fooled. Either he needs a place to stay or he’s jealous of your happiness and wants you to want him.

If you leave the new guy for your ex—exactly what your ex did to you, so you know—you will soon find yourself back in the same spot you were a year ago. Your ex isn’t staying this time, either, and when he leaves again, the new guy likely isn’t going to be as forgiving to you as you are to your ex. You’ll be on your own, again, which you probably need to be anyway. If you could skip all the drama to reach that point, it would serve you better.

So about the new guy: You’re using him—again, just as you were used by your ex. You’re keeping the new guy around while you piece yourself back together, and spending his money. It’s not fair to him, and you know exactly how unfair it is because you’ve been in his position.

Read more: here 

AskFM 3rd #DNADad UPDATE: The Return of Bio-Dad

 

TO READ PART I & II of #DNADad STORY, CLICK HERE

After the last update, many of you rightly guessed that wasn't the end of  "Bio Dad". He's back— and he's a bigger ass than anyone could have guessed. The reason he doesn't want anything to do with his son? "It's not part of the American Dream." Sigh.

DNADad asks at the end of every update that we pray for him. And apparently folks have been on bended knee. The tables are turning in DNADad's (and the son's) favor. While you're sending up your prayers, go on and say a few words for Bio Dad too. He ain't right within.

Keep reading to find out why:

DNA/Son, Hi Ms Lucas .I promised I would keep you in the loop. Here goes. I received another email yesterday from my boy's "bio", asking if we could meet for lunch around noon. I agree and asked if I could bring my lawyer along. He agreed in fact he insisted that he tag along.‬

 I really didn't know what to expect. so I tried to mentally prepare myself as much as possible. After exchanging pleasantries we got right down to business. Basically he wants to sign over his rights. I am 99% ecstatic, but there is that 1% that didn't sit right with me so I just had to ask‬.

I ask him how come he's so eager to discard his own flesh and blood. His response blew me away. I can't remember word for word but here is the gist of it:

"Men and women want the American Dream, the house, the car, the dream job, the perfect spouse, 2.5 kids a cat and a dog‬. Along with that dream comes bullsh--, martial probs, lost of funds, aliments and others things. The goal is not to focus on the bad but the American Dream itself. You have to be willing to do what every it takes to stay the course and steer clear of the bullshit. “[Name redacted] falls under bull shit, no offense. I’m sure he's a great kid, but he not apart of my American dream."

Ms. Lucas, he says a bunch of other hoopla, but after hearing him call my boy “bull shit”, I tuned him out. I actually had to. I take a look at my Jack D and thought maybe I've had a glass too many‬…

I swear I felt the hands of God anchoring me to my seat. It took everything within me to not get up and bust this arrogant son of a b---h in the mandible*.

Long story cut: after confirming DNA we will be able to start getting the paperwork drawn up. My lawyer says he can have the ball‬ [rolling] as early as Monday morning . I can't rejoice just yet until the ink is dry on paper work.

Ms. Lucas, I grew up with my Dad so I can't say what it’s like to not have one. I do however have pals that weren't so lucky. I can't for the life of me understand men who abandoned their children‬.

We still have a long road ahead of us in fixing this mess. I will continue to keep you posted. As always, pray for us and I will do the same.

*jawbone. I had to look it up. I know some of ya’ll were like “what’s that?” too. LOL. 

AskFM 2nd #DNADad UPDATE: Bio Dad Denies His Child

NOTE: This story was updated on Aug. 04, 2014. Please scroll to read the latest update. 

NOTE 2: This story was updated AGAIN on Aug. 15, 2014. CLICK HERE 

In many ways, I’ve learned to detach from some of the hard scenarios that come up on Ask.FM. It’s a defense mechanism to keep me from being weighed down all the time with other folks’s problems. But every once in awhile I get caught up. This story stayed with me.

A man wrote in recently to say that he recently found out that his 4-year old son that he had with his girlfriend is not biologically his. A couple of men who read his query weighed in to say that this is every man’s “worst nightmare” realized. As a woman, there’s little chance (barring a hospital mix up) that I’ll ever have to worry if the kid I’m raising is my own. But stories like these come up often enough—this isn’t the first time on even Ask.FM— that men have a valid concern.

The Brother who wrote was hurt more than anything, but also angry and unsure if he could continue a relationship with the child, who to complicate the situation, was calling to ask where he was.

The whole situation was heartbreaking. Take a read of the AskFM exchanges and see how it turned out:

Yesterday, I appeared in court to have a DNA test result read . It turns out the boy I have been taking care of for the last 4 years isn't mine. The mother has to back pay me yet that doesn't make me feel any better. I know men aren't supposed to cry, but everything is hurting even my toenails :(

"the boy" is your son. you've been his father for four years. is it possible to continue a relationship with him, especially as that is what is best for the child (and you)?

terribly sorry to hear what happened to you.

Dna/Son, I want to be there right now it hurts so much. He called me Saturday night (he is so proud that he learned my number the boy wont stop using it :) lol) He wanted to know why I wasn't there to watch him practice like I always am. This really sucks. He's my little man.

Work the ish out with the mom. Forgive her, as hard as that is. Do it for you and the kid, not her. And spend time with the kid. This story of you two being torn apart is breaking everyone's heart.

Please do not exit the kid's life because the mom is trife.

GM, TY for responding to my query. I was trying to be mean by asking for a DNA test because I was upset about our break up. I didn't think he wouldn't be my child. My mother is hurt as well. I lost a son xmas from a hit & run (he was 12). It feels like were mourning all over again :( I want to be there.

Woo damn.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your oldest son. But this kid who isn't biologically yours? You're the only father he's ever known, and he's the son you have... if you want to continue the relationship. The kid is here and he wants you.

You're hurt. I totally understand why. You were terribly deceived. But you CAN ease some of this pain. You would feel a million times better if the kid was still in your life. Tell me I’m wrong.

DNA/Son, Yes Ma'am you are right. I need him in my life. He's my boy. I am afraid that anytime he does something new, I will be left feeling like " Did he pick that up from me or is it a trait from his real dad?" I haven't seen him since the day at court. I'm crashing at my Mother's house.

I get why it matters to you. But in the grand scheme it doesn't, especially if it's a positive trait. Your role is to give him the best that you've got and mold him into a great man. Given our exchanges today, it sounds like you have a good heart and a level head, even when you're hurt. He needs to pick up those traits.

DNA/Son, Forgive me if I seem like some whiny crazed brother that has camped out on your site (If hard expressing my feelings to my friend we don't really talking about things of this nature). My daughters and I went to watch him practice this afternoon in fact just dropped him off an hour ago. His eyes lit up when saw us. He said to me Daddy I'm gonna run super fast and if I get hit, I'm not gonna cry just like you said. I 'm gonna take it like a man. I prayed so much the last few days. If I decided to stay I want to legally make him mine that way his mom can't pull any funny stunts."

I think getting legal rights is really smart. Hopefully, the mom is on board. leave out the "funny stunts" part when you talk to her.

I also want you to know that I'm really proud of you. It's taking A LOT for you to put your feelings aside for the situation and focus on what matters. I thought about your situation several times today. I know it's HARD, but the boy didn't ask for this and you being his Dad is all he knows. He needs you and you need him. I hope this works out for the best.

DNA/Son, lastly (I know you have others that need your help) I received an email this morning from the mom her defense is , She stepped out when we were having problems it was a 1x thing with a guy from HS and she didn't think he was a possible because they air both fair skin and the boy is my tone.

If she had sex with someone else around the same time, it was a 50/50 chance of who the father could be. She should have spoken up when she discovered she was pregnant. The "you two are the same color" isn't enough to reasonably think it's your child.

She has some things that she needs to work out and she needs to work some things out with you as well. I'm glad in the midst of this that you can still focus on what is best for the child.

DNA/Son, Thanks for the time and advice Ms. Lucas. Please keep us in your prayers and I will do the same. Goodnight. 

My take on this is clear from the responses above. But FB reader, Kia Richards, saw it a different way:

"I know this sounds harsh but unless this man plans on being an active part of the boy's life he needs to cut ties and move on. I'm assuming this man will date and move on to find love with someone else. Having the child around means he will have to deal with the ex which may complicate his future relationships. If he was my relative or friend I would suggest that he cuts ties. The mom needs to find out who the father is and make him take a proactive role in the life if his biological child."

What would you advise? 

UPDATE 08.04.14

"DNA Dad" as I've conveniently coined him, is back. He wrote in over the weekend to say that he was going to have dinner with his ex to hash out how they were going to clean us the messy scenario she caused by cheating on him and never mentioning the paternity of their child could be in question. Understandably, he was a nervous wreck. And unfortunately, his flurry of queries came through while I was away from my laptop:

"Good Afternoon, Ms. Lucas I know you might not get this in time. I am on my way to meet the Mother to try and work some things out. I feel real raw on the inside, really raw. I hope I can make it through dinner with a little grace. I just want my boy back in my life. Wish me luck please. :)"

When I didn't answer, he wrote back:

"I am a man that goes before God for guidance and I know as a Christian I must forgive. I think its only fair that I admit that in our six year relationship. She has giving a lot including taking on mother to my 3 kid whom I have full custody. I don't want to paint her as a monster."

I was still out. But when I read this, I kinda new that everything was going to be okay, or er,  as okay as can be in a situation like this.  His ex has made his worst nightmare a reality, and just two weeks later, he's able to recognize the good in her. Actually, I think they're going to get back together down the the line. Between this, and that the great revelation about the child's paternity came about because he was in feelings about their break up shows that there are still a lot of care involved here, at least on his end. If they could both show some maturity and some act right post-fiasco, they may be able to move beyond this betrayal.

"I guess you can tell I'm stalling by all of my rambling and chatter. I didn't think we would be going through this madness at this point in our lives but here we are. Maybe a drink will mellow me out. What do you think? Dinner is at 6."

I was back at my computer by 5:30, just in time to catch him for his last message before he headed in for dinner. He was waiting for me:

"I am about to walk a hole in my tiles from pacing back and forth. I'm meeting the Mother for dinner at 6:00 . My agenda is to work out something where I can have my boy back in my life. I need some encouragement to help me not blow my cool."

No matter what happens, focus on the end goal: getting the kid back in your life.

And be honest with her. You're hurt, disappointed, angry, all that, but you don't think she's a horrible person and you still want the child in your life. Add that you appreciate the sacrifices she made for your children.

She likely still wants you in the child's life, so you know. She's not exactly in a great position here.

I wasn't aware just how accurate that last sentence was. She got caught in a lie. A huge one. The man who's been financially supporting and loving her child may or may not bail, which leaves her child screwed and maybe her too if she's still in love with him.  In the best case scenario, Mom had to call and old beau and inform him years later that she had been pregnant with his kid, and had a child... who she had been passing off as someone else's for four years. If he had any sense, he'd demand a DNA test, which has got to be humiliating to be on the second test to determine paternity of your child. If the alleged biological dad was the actual biological dad (because at this point, her word is no good on this matter) she would have to figure out how to introduce a very confused little boy to his new father and hope New Dad was an active father in the kid's life the way First Dad was. The shit, to put it mildly, was a mess. Add to her stress that she was going to need to pick up the tab on some hefty therapy bills for her son down the line.

Those were my theories. Reality is much worse.

DNA Dad wrote back with a post-dinner update:

"Ms.Lucas, tonight I was a ball of emotions. I felt everything from wanting to smack her, which I would never do, to wanting to comfort her while she cried. The end goal has been met. There is a little boy asleep on my mother's sofa and I'm happily on a pallet on the floor . I don't mind:)

"I will get my son on weekends, I will pick. him up from summer camp or school and drop him home week nights after FB Practice. I'm not sure if it was my place but I Just had to ask her. I asked if the "Bio Dad" knows she informed me that she sent him an email after he didn't return her calls. I asked for his email address which she obliged and I too sent an email . I tried to explain that I am in no way looking to settle a score. What happened between them is in the past. My concern is for my boy. I invited him out for a drink so we can talk as men. He declined.

"Instead,  I was replied to with this: "Listen, man I told [redacted] and now I will tell you. I ain't in no position to take on no extra kids. What happened between [redacetd] and I should have never happened. I was in a bad space. I have now since fixed my marriage. We are doing great . Please just drop this. I think its best if we all just move on. I have two kids now which includes a 4 year old. My plate is full. Whatever you need me to do, let me know so that we can resolve this matter quickly and quietly."

This just became a verse (or three) of Trapped in the Closet. The guy she cheated with was married?! Has a four-year old?! Doesn't want anything to do with the kid?! And isn't telling his wife sh-- about it?!

The horror! The horror!!!!

Ok, back to DNA Dad:

"Did you catch that he called my boy a MATTER? I am going to save the email. I have been doing some research the last few days. I found out that if I can prove that the "Bio Dad" has abandoned his child, then I can get his rights terminated. I think this email alone proves that this guy is a huge douchebag. Monday morning, I will be getting a family lawyer."

Sounds like he is serious about getting custody of his son, not just talk, ACTION!! I wish them all the best, even the Mom.

Good night, Ms. Lucas .There are no words to thank you. Thank you doesn't do justice I am forever in your debt. We have a long road ahead and if its ok with you, I will like to keep you posted on how things are progressing. (Sorry for the million queries.) Again, pray for us. I will do the same. 

‪

Ask FM UPDATE: "Bad BFF is Engaged to her Ex-Friend's Fiancé"

 

Dear Demetria:

I’m back! Remember me? Bad BFF? Well, quick update ... I am engaged to the ex of my ex-BFF. Crazy how things work out, right? I hope all women learn a lesson from this: Never, ever pass up true love. Loyalty is essential but has its limits. I’m glad I was brave enough to make that move. Not many women are. My ex-BFF can’t help me build a family at the end of the day. The situation may have not been ideal, but we both did what needed to be done. My loyalty lies with the man I was blessed with. The intent was not to be shady, but life isn’t black and white. —S.B.

I love receiving updates from people who have written in for advice and taken it. Usually readers want me to know that the solution I offered worked in their favor and they have moved on from a situation that wasn’t fulfilling and now feel better, or they have worked out an issue with their partner and are back on steady ground. That makes me happy.

This update does not.

I recall your story well. You wrote in seven months ago to say that you’d slept with your best friend’s man and you felt very “guilty” when he proposed to her. Her would-be husband was walking around as if nothing had happened and showed no remorse. She, your friend of 17 years, seemed happy, and you were wondering if you should tell her at all, or maybe wait until she’d been married a few years and then spill. I encouraged you to actually be the friend you hadn’t been previously and to confess sooner rather than later.

That was a hard ask, since you would lose your friend, but you wrote back in to say that you did it. And I was very proud of you. You made an extremely bad choice in betraying your friend, but you did what was best for her—and you—on the back end. We all make bad choices, and we can all recover from them and become better people. I hoped that you were on your way to being a better woman and friend. This update lets me know that isn’t happening yet.

Comedian Chris Rock isn’t a relationship guru, but he has many classic jokes (in the form of astute observations) about relationships. A popular one is when he speaks of people in relationships who show off their partners because they are happy. He says, “If a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, when they walk away, his boy goes, ‘Aww, she’s nice. I have to get me a girl like that.’ If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, when they walk away, her girlfriend goes, ‘I got to get him ... and I will slit that [woman’s] throat to do it.’”

Of course, that doesn’t apply to all women. Most women would not go after their friend’s man. But it does apply to some, and it does, unfortunately, apply here.

Your initial story and this update tell me that you have serious insecurity issues about your former best friend. You want to be her, and because you can’t be, you want to hurt her. Why else would you have sex with her fiance and then turn around months later and speak of marrying him?

Having her prize isn’t going to get you her life. And while you might feel that you’re winning and deluding yourself with romantic notions of fate and destiny, you are losing more than you know. The only person winning here is your former friend. She got rid of two untrustworthy people in one fell swoop. You’re dealing with her headache now.

This man to whom you’ve pledged your life, the one you call a “blessing”? He’s made that pledge before, to a woman he cheated on. And he walked around as if nothing was wrong and popped the question afterward as if everything was A-OK.

Read more on TheRoot.com

Read the original "Bad BFF" story here 

The Root: Should I Snitch On A Cheating Friend?

Dear Demetria:

I have a friend who recently confessed to me that she slept with a mutual friend’s husband. The same mutual friend invited everyone over to her house, and my friend came, acting like everything was OK. I thought it was inappropriate for her to be there and didn't speak to her other than to say “Hi” and “Bye.”

I do not feel comfortable watching her smile in this woman's face, and I now question if she could or would do this to me. I don't want to judge her, but I just don't feel comfortable being around her right now. Should I tell or be quiet? —Anonymous

I have a feeling many readers are not going to like the gist of my answer, which is, essentially, be quiet and mind your business. It’s unfortunate that you’ve been drawn into this drama by being made privy to a big secret. I imagine that the friend who told you feels guilty about her actions and needed someone to talk to. She may even be hoping that you will do her dirty work for her by telling the wife what her husband and the “friend” are up to.

Don’t make it easy for her or put yourself in the middle of a battle that’s not yours to fight. This is for the wife, the husband and the alleged mistress to hash out whenever they get around to it. Surely you have enough to deal with on your own plate.

It’s clear that the friend isn’t ready to fess up, largely based on the fact that she hasn’t. What I don’t want from you, who have no proof of the affair, is to run to your friend to say, “Guess what!” and when the wife follows up with the mutual friend and her husband about what’s going on, they both adamantly deny the truth and blame you for being a messy or jealous friend. It’s their word against yours.

Without any proof, the wife is more than likely to go with the version of events that creates the least amount of upheaval in her life. That means you’re more likely to be cut from the circle of trust than the alleged mistress or the husband.

Another possible scenario here is that the mutual friend is jealous or has some issue with the wife or maybe bad blood with the husband, and she wants to upset their relationship. She may not have even had sex with the husband. You don’t really know what’s going on here, which is why I advise you to keep your mouth shut.

Maybe she did have or is having an affair with the husband. If you believe something is up and you must say something, pull aside your cheating friend and speak to her about your discomfort with what she’s told you and with being around her. Add that you don’t appreciate her involving you in this drama, and encourage her to end the affair and confess to the wife about what’s going on.

Read the rest on TheRoot.com 

Ask Demetria: Should I Tell My Husband Our Child Isn't His?

 

Dear Demetria:

I am the mother of two. I have an amazing husband and father to my children. The last child is not his, and he is unaware. His best friend and I had a one-night stand two years ago when my hubby was out of town. I can’t bring myself to come clean.

I just started going to therapy about this. The guilt is making me miserable. I feel honesty would break our whole family apart. I'm afraid to find out what my husband may do. —Anonymous

My grandmother had a saying about truth: “What’s done in the dark will always come to the light.” You’ve been carrying some huge secrets, and despite trying to ignore and avoid them, they’ve come to the forefront of your mind nearly three years later with a crippling vengeance that’s making you miserable.

I’m glad you’re in therapy. That’s a good starting point. If you have a good therapist, she or he will help you find the courage to “come clean,” as you put it, and tell your husband the truth about your affair and the child that resulted from it. It’s not the easy thing to do, but it is the right course of action here for everyone involved, including you.

Your husband deserves to know the truth, and sooner rather than later. Your child, though too young to understand what’s going on now, also deserves the truth, and the older she or he is when you tell her or him, the more devastated the child will be. Surely you’ve seen that viral video of the trailer for Paternity Court when a grown man discovers that his dad is not his biological father. He was broken, and it’s heartbreaking to watch. You don’t do that to your kid.

Your husband will be devastated, and he will be angry (to put it mildly). And the longer you wait, the more intense those feelings will be. I suggest that you speak with your therapist about bringing your husband into a session sooner rather than later and confessing to him in a controlled environment.

But before you do that, let’s make sure you’re accurate about what you’re confessing to. Have you had a DNA test done on the child to verify who her or his father is? I hope so, but if not, you need to do so immediately, and before you tell your husband anything. There’s no sense in having an unnecessary back-and-forth about who the actual father is, if your husband is actually that person.

If your husband is positively not the father, you need to inform your husband’s best friend that he is, if he’s not aware already. The best friend needs to know right after you tell your husband what you’ve been hiding. (Why after? Because your husband’s been on the back end of secrets long enough.) Your husband is also going to be hurt by and angry with him, too, but that’s not your concern. The men will work that out with each other.

Oh, and even if the child is biologically your husband’s, he still needs to know about the affair.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: Threatening to Leave Won’t Stop Him from Cheating

 

My husband has cheated on me a couple of times. I told him if anything happens ever again, I'm going to divorce him. My heart is broken, and I have nightmares about this chick. I don't know how to trust him. I love him and want it to work, but I don't know how this can be fixed. Do I move on? —Anonymous

Your husband has cheated two times that you are aware of. Unfortunately, he could have cheated more than that. And despite his pattern of infidelity, you’ve decided to stay in a marriage in which both of you are clearly unhappy, since he’s cheating and you’re having nightmares and don’t trust him.

Plenty of couples choose to work through infidelity in a marriage, which is their choice. But I’m curious as to what, if anything, you and your husband have done to actually work on the issues in your relationship. You’ve decided to stay and have threatened to leave if it happens again, but that’s not fixing the problem. And if you want to be happily married and have the potential of a faithful husband, then both of you are going to have to do more than just agree to stay married and issue ultimatums.

So while you very well may mean, “If I catch you a third time, I’m out!” you have to understand that from your husband’s point of view, the threat is idle. You didn’t leave the first time, and after that incident you probably threatened to go. You didn’t say what, if anything, changed in your relationship afterward, but the core issues were still there if he repeated his behavior.

And when you caught him a second time, you stayed again. The message you’re sending him is that you will make a lot of fuss, but when it boils down to it, he can cheat and you’re not going anywhere.

Even if you don’t trust your husband, you obviously love him and want this marriage to work. If you want an actual shot at continuing this union without him seeking other women, both of you will have to do some work to get this marriage back in order.

Notice the emphasis on both. Your husband is solely responsible for his cheating. That is not on you. But both of you are responsible for whatever breakdown there is in the marriage that led to his infidelity. Both of you will have to make changes. You and your husband are in this relationship together. It takes two to make a marriage work—and two to make it a mess.

Tina Campbell, from the gospel group Mary, Mary (and TV show of the same name), is going through a similar situation with a cheating husband, and I like the example—minus the attempted assault—that she is setting. In the current season of her TV show, she and her husband are dealing with the aftermath of his infidelity. In a recent interview, she owned up to her responsibility for the breakdown of her relationship with her husband, but not for his affair.

“I, Tina, assume full responsibility for the issues that I contributed to the relationship,” she told CNikky.com. “I have to work on myself.”

Read more: here 

Ask.FM UPDATE: The Complete #SuperBowl Saga

 

AskFM questions are anonymous, so I never really know if they’re real. After years of answering questions (over 30k) on Formspring and now Ask FM, the odds are that I’ve been catfished a few times. I answer, even the more intense questions, because what if the stories are real and the person really needs help and doesn’t know where else to go? Even if it’s made up, there may be someone out there who has aspects of a pseudo-situation going on in her own life and needs to hear the advice to do better.

Two weeks ago, a woman wrote in to say her man had gone to a Super Bowl party the night before and was “acting strange” when he returned home. Shortly thereafter, a neighbor pulled her aside and asked to show her something. That something was a video of the woman’s man receiving oral sex from another man. 

Twitter followers began referring to the woman as Super Bowl. For those who aren’t addicted to Ask.FM/ abelleinbk yet, this is the complete story—edited for typos and clarity—  thru last night.

Some folk have asked if this story is real. The truth is, I don't know. I actually hope it isn't. Over the course of two weeks, the story went to some really dark places. If someone made it up? They are wasting a lucrative talent that could be put to better use as a screenwriter or a novelist. 

Oh, and we’re moving to abelleinbrooklyn.com/askbelle. I’ll still answer Ask.FM questions for awhile, but I will primarily be on the new page.

‪”BF was acting strange when he came home from his homie's Super Bowl party. I asked him, “what’s up?” He said, “nothing.”  The chick upstairs from us stops me at the mailbox today and told me she wants to show me something. I followed her upstairs to her apartment. She tells me she makes it a habit to stay out of‬ people's business, but I seem like a cool chick and I should know. Why did this chick show me a video on her phone [of my boyfriend] getting brain from a dude?

“Belle, I am hurt.  I confronted him he said he was drunk and it’s just a blow job. WTF? First, why tape yourself? Second, how did it get out? Third, now I feel less of a woman, like I wasn't doing my job if my man getting brain from a dude. I told him he's an undercover p--- and to get out MY apartment. We end up fighting cause he didn’t want to leave and what makes matters worst is I just found out I’m pregnant."

First, it's not your fault. Your man also likes men. That is not a reflection on you. There's nothing you could have done that would make him not like men. That's not about you.

Second, this isn't the first time he's received oral from a guy. Maybe the first time he taped it, but you don't record your first try. He was comfortable being taped and with the person who was pleasuring him. The person who recorded it leaked it. It's could be on the Internet, maybe World Star or XVideos, if your neighbor saw it.

It's not "just" a blow job. It's sex AND it's sex with a man. He might have let it be recorded because he was drunk, but you don't get drunk and suddenly become attracted to the same sex when you're straight (or on that side of the Kinsley scale). He's also attracted to men when he's sober too. He might use liquor to "let himself off the hook" for any guilt he feels about being attracted to men.

I do not recommend that unmarried women stay or try to work it out with men who cheat on them with women and I don’t think any woman should stay with a man who cheats with men. You've kicked him out. So you seem to share that outlook.

Re: your pregnancy. You have options. You can co-parent the child with your now ex or you can choose not to keep the child. What do you want to do here? There's no right or wrong answer.

Also, you do need to be tested for HIV. Your ex has been engaging in risky behavior and you two have not been having safe sex. That's a priority.

“I wasn't sure if you would be able to get back to me so soon, but thank you. I haven't told him bout the baby yet. I was going to surprise him on V-Day. I'm not going to keep it. I have a busted window, a busted lip and a hole in my heart. I’m not trying to raise a baby with that thang. I don’t even know what to call him. A friend of mine is gay and every time he comes around  [my ex]  is so quick to put him down. Now look at [my ex] living a lie. At least my friend is honest. I’m planning on going to the clinic on my lunch break tomorrow.”

I didn't realize when you said "fight" before that meant physical.

Do what you feel is best for you, but your lunch break isn't the time to get it done. It’s not botox. You can't go back to work after. You need a day (or more) to recover. Do your research.

“I have to figure something out. I keep looking at my lip in the mirror and the hood in me wants to call my brother and have him put a foot on him. But it ain’t even worth it. Don't need my family in chains, so the safest thing right now is for me to go to bed.”

You can call the police as you've been assaulted.

A few days later, Super Bowl was back with an update. She was still in the relationship, and her focus was tracking down the man who performed oral sex on her man.

“I know you said don't be doing all that snooping, but I couldn't sleep. I went back upstairs to ask old girl bout the video. She says another chick in our complex sent it to her because the dude (my man) looked familiar. We went to the chick’s apartment. She said her BFF texted it to her. Who is her BFF?‬

The other chick showed me the original text:  "celebrating the Super Bowl with my n---a breaking him off with this fiyah head. Girl ain’t he cute?" Her BFF is the dude in the video. l asked for his number. She said no, she isn’t trying to be messy. Like you already being messy…”

You're focused on details that don't matter. Is it, or is it not, your man... on video... getting dome from another guy?

Why does it matter how [your neighbor] got the video, or who the guy is? [Your neighbor] did you a solid by giving you a heads up. I know you're upset, but it is absolutely crazy to call him. What are you going to say, "Hey, James, why were you giving my man head?"

This is a big shock. I know. But let's be reasonable here.

Is your man still in the apartment? He's been cheating on you. Have you been tested for STIs and HIV? These are the things that matter right now.

“It matters to me because he promised he would change after the last time. Now he’s doing men too. I’m good to him. What am I not doing? Even after he gave me a STD, I took him back. And yes, I got checked out today and I am fine. I don't know what I’m going to do bout the baby‬. If I get this abortion it will be the third one with him and I don't really want to do it. But look at the f---ed up situation. If I keep it, I want it to have a real family, but I cant raise a baby and try to police his ass. He say he want me but he ain’t trying to do right."

Honey, you’re in love with a man who isn't doing you right. Who hasn't done you right many times over based on what you're saying. You love him. You got to love you too.

There's a video of your man receiving oral sex from another man floating around your city. And you want to work on this relationship. Is that correct? And he's not "trying to do right", but you're still considering it? Is that accurate?

Baby girl, he didn't change after he cheated before. We're on time 2, maybe 3, that you know about. And this time, it's with another man. How many chances are you going to give?

This stops only when YOU say "enough!" how much more are you going to endure? How many more STDs? How many more abortions? How much more pain?

This isn't love. It's pain and endurance. It's not one in the same.

You deserve better than this. You may not think it, but you do. And you can have someone who will treat you better and you don't have to police him, and your neighbors won't show you video of him with anyone else, especially not another man. You may not think it, but you can. Pinky swear, promise.

It's not about what you're not doing. It's not even about you. Stop making it that way. He doesn't get the power to define your worth. Stop giving that away to him.

Re: the abortion, only you can determine what the right answer there is.

“I’ve been with him off and on since I was 15. I just turned 20. He will be 40 soon. We have history and because of that it’s hard to shake him or my love for him. He pays for my school, my rent, everything. On the taking care of me thing, he is good. It’s the  loving [that’s a problem].

"I want to make my Grandma proud and be something. All of my brothers are thugs. I want better in life and he is helping me get there.  So I try to look at this as earning my stripes. When I finish school, we will move and start fresh in another state. Loving me is hard. He told me he loves me, but because of how his wife did him, he’s scared to let himself love all the way. I want better. I want to be loved better. If I can’t make this work my only choice is to go back home to my Grandma like a failure."

Babes, it's not failing to walk away from a man who isn't treating you right, and who sexually abused you when you were a teenager. It's winning to love you enough to put you first. I understand why that's hard for you to grasp. Essentially, you've been preyed on from when you were a kid and groomed for this position.

Do you have anyone at your school you can talk to? A counselor? Most schools have them.

You're 20, you've had 2 abortions for a man old enough to be your dad, and who sexually abused you too. No 35 year old man has any business with a 15 year old child he is not raising, coaching or related to.

You've also had an STI. He cheated before, he's still cheating on you and he's not going to stop. Why would he? There are no consequences. You don't leave.

If your goal is to make granny proud, this is not the way to go about it. Not at all. Not by a long shot. And walking away from THIS doesn't make you a thug, or worthless, or degenerate or anything negative.

Love isn't earning stripes. It's not an endurance test to see how much you can put up with and for how long. That's not how it works. The old man you're messing this may have told you otherwise, but he lied to you. And him picking up the tab on school or bills or anything else isn't a pass for him to cheat the first, or second, or third time, and not with another woman or another man. He doesn't love you. He says he does. He doesn't act like it. The love is in the ACTIONS.

How his wife did him is not your problem. If he's not ready to commit, he doesn't need to be in a relationship. If he can't love you in full then you need to find someone who can.

Moving to another state doesn't change anything. He will find another woman and another man and he will do the same thing there that he does where you are now. And you will be going through the exact same thing you are now, with another STI and another abortion. The location is not the problem. His disrespect is the problem. And you not knowing you deserve better is the problem.

He is who he is. That is not going to change for you. You need to leave. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you do. And you need to talk to a professional because you've been in a bad situation a really, really long time.

You can get a better situation and a better man when you let this situation go. Nothing gets better for you as long as you stay in this.

I didn’t hear back from her for several days after that. Last night, she returned to say they’re still together and she caught him cheating again— with a woman.

“Oh, my God! I caught him today with a new chick. I went to his brother’s  house because he’s been ducking me. I went looking for him, figured he would be over there. He was with another chick. I feel like my heart is being stabbed with a fork. He doesn’t want me or my baby!" 

This is the THIRD time you've caught him cheating on you. He's not going to stop. He wants to see other people- hence why he is seeing other people-- men and women.

Feeling like your heart is being stabbed is a totally normal reaction. But so you know, it's felt that way two times already, and it will continue to feel that way until you leave.

You need to do what is best for you and your baby. And it is NOT staying in this relationship. I thought you were going home to your grandmother's house. Why are you still with him? You're already putting your sanity at risk; don't CONTINUE to put your health and life at risk by staying with a man who cheats on you constantly with men and women.

“I’m stressing him and he can’t take it. He said he doesn’t have time for a dumb girl that can't take orders right. I messed up. I should have let the video ride. I’m so dumb. I knew he was having his hours cut at work and I keep bring up petty stuff to add to his stress. How do I make this right?”

Why are you "taking orders" from your BF? This relationship started out in an entirely dysfunctional way and it's continued. You were way underage and he was a grown man ILLEGALLY taking advantage of you being young and naive. You're 20. You are a woman. You don't take orders from your boyfriend.

Let the video ride? Your boyfriend was receiving oral sex from another man. He was cheating on you. You don't let that ride. You leave. And not just because it's another man. But also because it's the THIRD time you CAUGHT HIM cheating.

You're not dumb. You're in a bad situation and you're making bad choices. HE is creating the stress by cheating on you. HE is creating the stress by dealing with a woman 20 years his junior who was ILLEGAL when he met you. This is NOT ON YOU.

You cannot bring a child into this drama. Pack your things and go home. Please.

You make it right by going home-- and staying there. It's not going to get better, only worse, if you stay.

“He didn't even try to explain and the chick laughed like it’s f---ing funny when I screamed on him. I don't know what I did to make him not love me anymore. Maybe I gained weight, but I don’t look pregnant. I am only 11 weeks. I love him. He is it for me. I have to show him and not stress him.”

H‬oney, I feel for you, I do. A lot of women reading do.

This man is making it plain as day that he does not care about you. And until you leave, it's going to get worse and worse for you. If you want a better life than this, you have to take the first step and leave.

The screaming means nothing. He's done it 3-4x that you know of and you stay. So you yelled again. He's not changing. He has shown you who he is. What you're getting now is what you're going to always deal with from him.

He is not it for you. You've been with him since you were illegal for him. You don't know any different. But I promise you, there is more to the world than him. You can have someone who will treat you nice and won't cheat on you. Or you can just be alone and just as happy not have to deal with all this never-ending drama.

You can't make him love you. You CAN NOT DO IT. Please, for you, stop trying. Exert that effort into loving you and your baby.

“He’s the only man I love. How do I show him that? I want to keep the baby. How do I make him see the baby is a good thing? I can’t do another abortion. I don't want God to punish me for keep killing babies."

Loving him is nice. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU TOO, and you have to be with someone who actually loves you.

The guy who cheats on you rampantly, and then blames you for stressing him about it is not in love with you. He doesn't care about you. He has been using you and taking advantage of you since you were 15.

Did you check in with your school to see if there's a counselor you can talk to like I asked you too?

You're in a bad place, and have been for a very long time. But this does not get better until you get out of this relationship.

You don't want to have a third abortion, don't have one. You have a right to make that choice. You and your baby go back to grandma and you figure it out from there. You do not bring a child into this havoc.

“If I call my Grandma she is going to be so upset and hit me with a bunch of “stupid girls” and “I told you so.” That’s why I left. Who wants to hear everyday “you ain’t shit and you gonna end up strung out like your mama”?” 

Granny's got her own issues and that's horrible. It's also still better than this.

The End… for now.