Ask FM UPDATE 2 : #justthetip

Dear Demetria:

“I accidentally took my girl's virginity. I know how this sounds, but I swear it was a weird accident. My girl wants to wait until marriage. In the meantime, we do everything but penetration. Last night, we humping. I got her legs on my shoulder and I'm moving. I made a wrong move or something.

#Accident!!! The next thing I know, I’m in. But not all the way in, just the tip. My girl starts screaming and punching me. She’s asking me what did I just do. She telling me I ruined her virginity and this wasn't how she wanted to lose it. I feel like sh--, man. Unfixable or nah? PS: I love her.

—   Anonymous

Sir…

This is much.

Let me start with the obvious. If you’re not trying to have sex for whatever reason, it’s just not a good idea to get naked, at least below the waist, and start grinding with someone you’re in love with, or anyone, really. Life and biology and sh-- happen. But you know this now. So going forward, at least one of ya’ll needs to keep some underwear on if you don’t want this to happen again. Preferably “the” both of you.

Also, if you’re gonna go this route of everything-but-penetration, then condoms need to be used. I’m not saying you “have anything”. I’m saying you both don’t need to “have anything”, as in a baby. You don’t necessarily need to put all the penis in to get her pregnant.

And because I’m assuming hoping you’re both really young, and it seems neither of you has had a proper sex talk or sex education, I’ll add that if you’ve had sex before, you need to get tested for STIs, including HIV, to protect yourself and your girlfriend.

Now for the most uncomfortable part of this conversation, which is two parts:

It’s confusing to me—and many readers—how you were able to enter your girlfriend, even with the tip, with such ease.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve even seen a virgin” said a friend in his mid-30s. “But I’m 90 percent sure you don’t just find yourself in The Promised Land.  I don’t want to get too graphic, but it’s been a couple times it’s been impossible, like, “’Maybe we should try this another time….’, ‘Not sure this is working’.”

Another guy, also in his 30s, added, “Wait! Sooooooo you just slip in on a virgin? That’s now it works.,. That’s not how any of this works.”

So, if the details you gave about your action are accurate, there are two possibilities that stand out:

A) This ain’t the first time this—or more— has happened with your girl. She may not have sex with you, she may not have even had sex. But there has been some sexual activity in the area either with you or prior to you.

B) You forced your penis in her vagina, which since you know she didn’t want you to— despite the legs and uncovered vagina— is… rape-y.  I hesitate to call it rape because if I’m not being feminist –PC, I honestly get how you could think in the moment, “she wants this D!” when you’re looking at her vagina, she’s got her legs spread in the air in front of you.

The screaming and the hitting don’t bode well for you. She could have been in pain from you putting your penis—even the tip—in. Or she could have felt that you violated her. Or it could be both. That’s where this story gets weird. I would love to know her version of it.

I pray Option A is most applicable here:  she’s had some experience, you haven’t had enough, and ish just kind of happened, as it’s prone to when two naked people grind on each other.

Your girlfriend also has to take some responsibility here. Grinding with naked sexual parts was more likely to lead to this outcome— and more— than not. And she’s sending profoundly mixed signals. She can set her boundaries with her body however she likes, but essentially telling a man “grind your naked penis on my naked vagina, but don’t stick it in” is just poor judgment.  If she wants to remain a virgin until marriage, then she needs not place her naked vagina in the clear and obvious vicinity of a naked penis.

Still. She’s pissed, so you got to make this better. Apologize, explain, apologize again. Offer to abstain from this “everything but” activity for awhile so she knows you’re serious. And when it starts back up again—because it will—for the love of Hova, keep your draws on. And you need to wear a condom just in case. I’m saying. I’ve been 18. Life happens. Be safe when it does.

Oh, and the relationship is likely fixable. Her virginity… no, that’s not how it works. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

So, I posted this query as the "QOTD" on Instagram this morning and readers were too through with this story. 300 comments on Instagram, 100+ on FB, and RPs and "shares" everywhere. Fortunately, or un-, depending on the perspective, the OP (original poster) was reading all of your comments. (This is why I delete/block people who insult the posters. Critique the behavior, not the person.) Anyway, the OP wrote back in to clear some things up, and provide some more details:

#OP Accident!!! Man, some of your people’s are hard on a Bruh. I didn't rape my girl. It was an accident! When I say we do everything but [sex], I mean like head, I use my fingers and now her toy that her big sister brought her for her 18th birthday. I'm not some loser trying to get some.

#Accident!!! This our last year of high school. When we graduate I’m going to marry her.Our moms just going to have to be mad. I want her to be a honest woman. I love her so I want to do right by her. So we are getting married, get a place and go to college together. That’s the plan.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Um… your GF’s virgin status is highly questionable.  Again, I’m not saying she’s been penetrated by someone else, but toys and fingers and tongues in vagina aren’t how virginity works. Send her this way is she needs clarification.;

Good luck on the marriage. And college.

So. The young man who wrote in intitally, wrote it again after he showed this post to his girlfriend. Then they write in together. Her take on this? More or less, The Holy Bible says no sex, but it doesn't outlaw any of the stuff-- toys, fingers, mouths— that her and her BF are currently doing. They're keeping it Christian. Check it out:

"#ACCIDENT! showed my girl your answer here is her answer: "I grew up in a Christian house, where we were taught about being pure and holy. No one talks about needs or how to be pure if your horny. Ot even what to do when your horny other then prayer. No where in the bible does it say no oral..."

I admit, I haven't been to church in a minute. But I used to go. And my grandfather was a pastor. I sat through a LOT of Bible study and sermons as a kid and teenage girl.

From what I recall about religion and sex, penis penetration, toys, masturbation, fingering, oral sex--giving and receiving-- are all off limits to unmarried Christian folk.

Again, your body, your choice. But if you're trying to abide by the Christian way, until you're married, everything you're currently doing sexually with your boyfriend is off limits.

"#Accident!!! Both of us want to tell you thank you. I thought I would have to talk to my mother about it. dude she would have beat our asses

lol. I got you. Just wrap it up. And wear your draws."

Ask Demetria: "My BF Comes to My Job to Argue With Me!"

Dear Demetria:

My boyfriend of four years nags me about the same thing: my work schedule. I work long, sometimes outrageous hours, but I love my job. He can’t get past it and sometimes argues with me via phone when I work late, other times in my office (door closed). Other than this, our relationship is fine. Help. —Anonymous

Everything isn’t fine in your relationship. It’s one thing for your boyfriend to want to spend more time with you. It’s great to be wanted and desired and missed. But when he shows up at your job and argues with you, he’s crossing the line. He is displaying a fundamental lack of respect and a deep resentment for you and your job. Don’t confuse his antics at your workplace with a sign of affection and passion. Let me be clear: There is no situation in which it’s acceptable for him to come to your place of employment and argue with you.

Just so you know, your bosses, colleagues and subordinates can all hear you two arguing, in person and on the phone. You two are the good office gossip, and they think how you’re carrying on is unprofessional and messy. I don’t care how much you love your man and how long y’all have been together. You should have told security to ban him from the building after the first time he showed up.

Actually, you still should. And if he’s going to badger you and argue with you at work, then you don’t need to take his calls while you’re on the job.

I’m not sure you’re aware, but your boyfriend is also putting your job in jeopardy—and it’s intentional. If you allow him to keep this up, that job you love so much isn’t going to be around much longer.

You need to have a long chat with your man about boundaries—immediately. Tell him point blank that interrupting your work or showing up at your job is unacceptable, and he will be single if it happens again.

I know he wants you to change your work habits, but acting a fool at your job isn’t the right way to go about it. There are more effective ways to get a point across (like asking and, if the answer is no, accepting that and moving on, even if it’s to find another relationship). I imagine that his ridiculous behavior makes you resent him and want to avoid him, which makes the situation worse.

You love your job, and I’m going to assume that you love your man, since you’ve been with him for four years. But four years is a long time to be with the same person, especially when he’s pulling shenanigans like this. You need to have a long chat with yourself about this relationship and if you want it to continue.

You’re encountering a conundrum that a lot of women face, one that Nigerian writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie mentioned in her TEDxEuston talk, “We Should All Be Feminists” (which was excerpted in Beyoncé’s “Flawless”):

We say to girls, “You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful—otherwise you will threaten the man.” ... Because I am a female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important.

Your man is unquestionably threatened. If you want to keep him around, you’re going to have to accommodate his ego and make more time for him. That doesn’t mean you slack off on the job or do anything to put it further in jeopardy. It does mean you leave “on time” a few nights a week, whenever possible, and spend those evenings with your boyfriend (which includes staying off work email).

Do keep in mind that you have the option to be single and focus on your work. Contrary to the theme of the film Mahogany, success still means something even when you have no one—at the moment—to share it with.

Read more: here 

AskFM Final UPDATE: But #whoisthefather

When we left off with this story (CLICK HERE), the wife had gotten ahold of the contact information for the man who likely believed that he was the father of her husband’s child.  He was in the military, stationed overseas.

For obvious reasons, the wife wanted some sort of revenge for the BS her husband and his child’s mother put her through. And what better way to do that than make things even messier for the mother of her husband’s child. But would she go through with it?

I'm holding in my hands a manila folder. In this folder is an address. The address to where this bitch's beau is stationed. I have the tools to crush her, to make her feel the same misery I'm feeling.

Anyone in my position would feel so empowered right now. The sad truth is I'm not built that way.  I couldn't maliciously hurt another human and sleep peacefully at night. I imagine this soldier sitting in his tent or whatever housing situation the military provides. I imagine him awaiting a letter, a postcard, a photo of whom he believes to be his new son. My hub's son.

I'm quite sure he's excited. I bet he is counting down the days he has left until he's able to go home to his happy little family. I want to burst his happy little bubble. I want him to know exactly what kind of conniving, immoral whore he has given his heart to. Then I think about his pain, his hurt. He doesn't deserve this, any of it. Who am I to inflict my pain onto him?

Maybe the Almighty will sort it out. The universe has a way of righting wrongs. Maybe I will keep my mouth shut and let him ride this rollercoaster off into lala land. Ignorance is bliss isn't it? It was for me.

I can't help but think maybe I was better off not knowing. You give your heart to a person, with the notion that it will be taken care of. You allow yourself to love hard. You love fully. You love blindly. You see past faults, flaw, every little imperfection. You love so deep that you forget which way is up. You become so love sick that you go through withdrawal when he's not around. His touch, his smell, his taste becomes a drug. Belle, I'm going through withdrawal and it's the most painful, exhausting thing I've ever experienced. The only thing that is keeping me going is my job. I swear if I didn't have a plane to catch in a hour. I would check myself Into the Looneybin.

I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. That plane she had to catch? Vacay.  Those long hours she’d been putting in at the office (before she came home to cook dinner for Hubs) were because she wanted to surprise her husband with a Christmas getaway.

Obviously, he wasn’t making the trip. So she hopped a flight with her best friend instead. (I don’t know who that man is, but I send a big “thank you” into the universe for him having her back.)

She hit me when she returned.

I'm hanging in there. I just got back in the country a little while ago. Yes, visited Cuba. I've worked every major holiday this year, just so I could surprise hubs with this trip. Welp, you know how that turned out. The trip would have been a total waste, if my dear friend hadn't convinced me that he and I should go. I put on a brave face and muscled through it though. To my surprise I had a pretty ok time. I always get a kick out of watching my friend try and pick up dudes.

 I apologize if I'm rambling. I guess I'm trying to gather my thoughts and figure out how to put my feelings into complete sentences. I'm not going to take up too much of your time. But I do want to give you a brief update about my plans. I will be filing a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, first thing this morning. I'm heading to the office now. There is no need for a Trial or Legal Separation. I'm not interested in martial counseling I just want to start over. New beginning for a new year.

At this point the why's and how's doesn't even matter. I'm not going to further stress myself out trying to figure it all out. Would you believe he's blaming me for his indiscretion? He says I put my job before him. He often felt neglected. I was emotionally unavailable. That's quite laughable isn't it.  I didn't know I had to choose between a career and a husband. Why couldn't I have both? So many questions . I'm left doubting myself, dissecting my entire marriage.

I'm slowly coming to grips that this marriage is irretrievably broken. You only get one time to cheat on me or beat on me and I'm out. I also decided I will not be writing this chick's beau. It's not me who needs their soul purged. I will let her woman up and do the right thing. I would be lying if I said my spirit isn't in mourning. I guess the only thing I can do now, is take things one day at a time and hopefully things will work out in my favor.

My response:

I'm glad to hear Cuba was a blast. I've always wanted to go. You must tell me how you circumvented the US gov.

Most people would say you're doing the right thing, given the child, the physical abuse, and then him blaming this circumstance on you.

 As a reminder: this is not your fault. You know this. But it may help to hear it from an outside source. Also as a reminder, there are STILL a lot of women praying for your well-being. People ask me about you regularly and tell me they have prayed and are praying. Don't know of you believe in God, but people who do are on bended knee.

Sounds like l you have a good friend in your guy bestie and I am thankful he is there for you when you need him.

You're doing the right thing by NOT telling the other woman's boyfriend. That you're not vindictive and driven by hurt and anger gives me further indication that you have a sound mind and you will be okay in the long run. Others are rooting for you; I am too.

If all that you said about holding down your husband is true, you will be swooped up in no time by a man who honors commitment and is happy to do right by you. You're not ready now, but when you are, remember that you have options.

The following day, I received an (bizzare) email from the wife’s e-mail address:

You're friends with the owner of this laptop? Can you tell her that she left it at the coffee shop yesterday? We waited for her to come back in, she never did. Whoever she was on the phone with, Shorty was going HAM on them.  

Give her the head’s up that somebody named [redacted] is gonna be pissed about the emails we sent out. Our bad. She might need to let her know it was a joke. Hope they won't have no hard feelings.  

Good news is she can get her laptop back.  We’re gonna give it to the fool at the counter. [Your girl] might want to put a password on it to cause it's some foul shit on here. If you got her number, call her to tell her it’s gonna be at the shop. Just the lap top tho'. The Beats by Dre [headphones], I’mma keep cause I coulda been nasty and kept everythang. You can’t get much for a [redacted brand name] anyway.

 A’ite, coach! What kind of sport she play?. I bet ladies’s basketball with her [redacted identifying information].

#lgklick4life

 Ya’ll ain’t see that ending coming.

UPDATE 12/19/14 

After this post went live today, the wife... or, er, ex-wife contacted me to explain that last email in more detail. I thought it was clear that someone had got ahold of her computer and was sending out emails on it, but perhaps not.

Oh my god!!! I didn't realize you too had received emails. I am so so so sorry. My [laptop] was hacked. Personal emails were sent out including a draft I [had] written to my Ex Husband's mistress beau, [ie, the solider]. Naked pictures of me were sent to a few of my male colleagues (pictures that were meant for my Husband’s eyes only). I was almost fired behind this. My contract states my work [laptop] is for work and work only.

All of the emails are from me, EXCEPT the one you deemed bizarre. Secondly, my divorce was finalized in August. I am still single.  I am still working the crazy hours (in a weird way, it helps me cope). Lastly, I can wholeheartedly say that I am in a better headspace. The past year has been a roller coaster ride, but my God is faithful. He is seeing me through it all.

To you and your readers: thanks a million for all of your prayers and well wishes.

Fin

Ask Demetria: My GF Lied About Being Raped

If you read Ask. FM, you know that the majority of questions — 85 percent unscientifically— are from women. But the guys do show up occasionally, and when they do? Doozies. And often they have to get lawyers.

This series of questions came thru while I was vacationing with friends in Montreal in May.  I swore I was going to stay off Ask. FM and enjoy Canada, but this story was riveting, and tragic. Lying abut rape is, of course, reprehensible for many obvious reasons. But a false accusation can affect more than than accused.

Dear Demetria:

What’s Good, Belle? Me and my girl have been a follower of yours for sometime now. Never in my wildest dream would I think I would need to holler at you too. But I am.

Monday we went to a cookout. I made a run to the store for some Dutches and pineapple juice. I got back to the house and I notice my girl was no where to be found. I asked around and someone said she went to the bathroom. On my way there, a guy was coming out a bedroom. Seconds later, so was my girl!

I'm going off on her. She breaks down and says the guy was trying to rape her. I go outside to find him and I end up beating the [n-word] almost unconscious.

We hop in the car for home. I've been getting calls from friends saying that the police are looking for me. I've never been in trouble with the law. I told my girl that I'm turning myself in in the morning and I need her to help explain what really happened.

She breaks down again and ‪tells me she can't do that or she will get in trouble too. She told me she lied because she knew it looked bad her coming out of the room, and all they were doing was talking.

Belle, I fucked up and it’s bad I just may have messed up my life behind a lying no good [redacted]. I asked my day1 about dude status. He said I broke dude collar bone and 3 ribs. Belle please speak life into me cause I'm scared and don't know what I should do next. I thought I was defending and protecting my girl. Turns out she a lying cheating [redacted].

Read the whole thing.

‪No sh--. This is major and you need a lawyer before you go/ talk to the police. And I know you’re pissed, but you need to be decent enough to homegirl that she will tell the real story.

‪No one goes to a bedroom to talk at a party. You know this. I know this. But that's beside the point.

Lawyer. Now. If you're in NYC, email me. I know a great criminal defense one.

I looked on yellow page.com and found someone. He wants $2,500 up front. I'm going to borrow and take some stuff to the pawn shop. I haven't shed eye water since I was a teen. I feel so hurt and fucked up over this. Why couldn't she just be honest?

I'm on my way to the police station. The lawyer says I'm looking at a battery charge that can carry a 18 month up to a 5 years sentence. I have small children 8 and 5. I can't be away from my boys that long. My parents and my boys’ mother are willing to help me with legal fees.

Thank you for your input and being a listening ear. I thought I was doing the right thing. In your opinion was I wrong to handle it the way I did. Ain't men suppose to defend his woman's honor? Being that it will be a while before I get the chance to write I just want to again say thank you

There's what's culturally acceptable and what's legal. Culturally? Yeah. Legally? You were supposed to call the cops. A decent lawyer can get you probation if you don't have a previous record. If your ex, I assume, says she lied, you have a much better shot either way.

‪Take care if yourself, man. And keep us posted.

His last question was 7 months ago. He went to turn himself in and I never heard from him again.

Ask Demetria: 3 Years Into My Relationship, I Want to Be Celibate

Dear Demetria:

I decided to become celibate three years into a long-distance relationship. He’s so quick to want to have sex, but doesn’t want to communicate or practice being open and honest (i.e., texting other women, using Snapchat, etc.) I told him we will not be having sex until I feel that I can trust him again. Am I wrong to withhold sex? I know this will be harder for him than it is for me. He reacted better than I thought. —Anonymous

You’re never wrong for refusing to have sex with a man you don’t trust and who may be cheating on you. That’s not being selfish. It’s being smart. But it’s also not being celibate as much as it is a woman trying to make her man act right and stop creeping. If he did as you ask, sex would be back in play. That’s not celibacy. That’s withholding sex until you get your way.

I have to admit that my initial reaction to your query was, “I’m sorry, what?!” I got stuck at the part about stopping sex after three years, a unilateral move to eliminate an important aspect of your relationship. I’m a feminist who wholeheartedly believes it’s your body to do with what you want or not. I’m also a realist who understands it’s relationship homicide to change the rules of the game three years into an unofficial contract and seemingly without even a discussion.

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it is a thing—a big thing. Great sex can make a good relationship, well, great. It can keep a mediocre relationship in play just a little bit longer (but can’t save it). It’s not to be underestimated. Or to be eliminated without serious discussion with your partner. You lucked out, kind of, that your man is on board with this.

I say “kind of” because while you may have won this battle, you’re losing the war. He’s texting and Snapchatting lots of women, and the fact that you know this when you live out of town means he’s running amok. He can’t even pull it together the rare times when you’re around. Who knows (I mean other than him) what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with?

But you need to take it a step further and cut him off completely. I get what you’re tying to do here by cutting off sex: make him act right. I hate to tell you that it’s not going to work. He’s nonchalant about not having sex with you anymore because he’s getting cake by the pound at home.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria UPDATE: "I Just Discovered I'm Dating My Sister's Ex!" (Full Story)

 

Dear Demetria:

Older sis and I are ten years apart. Since she moved out of state, we don’t talk as much. Been dating this older guy and we are moving towards commitment. Sister has moved back recently and wanted to meet BF. Come to find out, they dated a few years ago while she was away… Should I just cut ties?

Something’s up here that I can’t quite put my finger on. You and your sister don’t seem very close if you don’t talk much just because she moved.  It’s the 21^st century and we’re all connected. It’s actually hard not to stay in touch with people. There’s another reason you didn’t speak regularly.

So I’m guessing now that she’s physically closer, you both want to give this relationship another go, and what better to bond about that boys, right?  You tell her about a guy you’re seeing, and at minimum, the conversation likely included his name, how you two met, and probably a physical description of him. I’m pretty sure that your sister picked up on her ex being your up-next. I can’t think of another reason why a person who you’re really not all that close to, even if she is your sister, would want to meet your BF.

What’s curious to me is why didn’t your… I don’t know what to call him. In one sentence you say you’re moving toward commitment, then the next you call the man your BF. Those are two different things. Let’s just go old school and call him your “friend” since that covers everything.  Did you mention anything about your sister to him? Like “yeah, I have a sister. She lives in XYZ.”

I live in New York. It’s a city of 8 million people. Still, without fail, anytime I mention someone, like say, a woman named “Mary”, someone who knows someone named Mary in New York will say, “hey, I know a Mary. Does she work in finance? Graduate from Georgetown?” I can’t really see you saying  to your Friend, “Beth lives in Chicago” and his response isn’t, “really? I dated a Beth from Chicago. Where did she go to school? (Or some detail that would distinguish her from the other Beths in Chicago.)  If you ever mentioned your sister, your “friend” more than likely knew she was also his ex, and didn’t say anything. But maybe you never mentioned her.

Let’s get to the bottomline here: I‘m not a fan of immediate family dating the same person. The only way this possibly works is if A) your sister is entirely cool with it and stays that way; B) your sister didn’t get dogged by him; C) your Friend didn’t have sex with her; and D) it’s been a long time since they dated, at least 4 years. And it would help tremendously if your sister was in a relationship. Still not a fan, but this makes it easier to swallow.

I originally posted the query as a Question of the Day on social media. Readers had many questions in the comments section, and the original poster returned to clear up some confusion:

"We have different dads so we don’t have the same last name and look nothing alike, in my opinion. I asked him if he knew she was my sister, he said ‘no’, but he always thought I reminded him of his ex, but never brought it up. I really love this guy I don’t know what to do."

She added: “according to him, they never had sex. And I believe him due to sis being really big on abstinence. Plus, I was still a minor when they were dating out of state. We never talked due to a big family blowout so when I met him years later, I never even introduced her as my sister."

You obviously want this to work. I get it. What it boils down to is how does your sister feel about it? If this is going to cause a huge rift between the two of you or another “big family blowout”, then it’s not worth it. You don’t let a, as Iyalna Vanzant likes to say, “ a pe-nus between us.”

I’m… concerned that you seem to be talking out this issue with the guy extensively, but have you talked to your sister in depth as well? He says they didn’t have sex. What does she say? Ask her. How does she feel about this? How did she feel about their relationship? Ask her.

It seems you and your sister are re-building your relationship. Will your relationship with your Friend get in the way of that? Is it worth it to you—and not just now, but in the long run?

Make your final decision based on that.

Ask Demetria: My BFF Was Inappropriate with My Husband

Dear Demetria:

My best friend and I grew up with my now-husband of five years. Their relationship, as far as I know, has never been substantial. It’s the hi-and-bye type.

The first two years of our marriage, she lived with us. An incident occurred during that first year when he was showering and she went in for her morning rituals. (There was another bathroom in the house.) I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that scene; we talked about it and resolved it then.

Circle back to a few days ago (four years later): She tells me she called my husband for advice on a new phone (I knew this), and he didn’t seem to want to get off the phone with her. She says that they could have been great friends if I wasn’t insecure, and that she thinks I am insecure because she is smaller than I am. (My weight has increasingly gone up.) She also explains that she never saw him in a sexual way before.

I can understand that I may have handled the situation poorly, as far as making them uncomfortable or on guard with each other, and for that I do feel bad. But in my defense, she was never close to any of my boyfriends before, none of them had ever moved in with me or anything of the sort, and it never occurred to me that she wanted to develop a more substantial relationship with him. Their friendship had always been how it is now, touch and go. But now I’m partly confused and hurt as to why, four years later, she would basically hit me where it hurts about something that shouldn’t matter. Should it? —Anonymous

You’re a good friend. Or a really naive one. I can’t figure out which just yet. Maybe both.

Something about this story reminds me of Jill Scott’s character in Why Did I Get Married?—specifically the part about the best friend and the husband creeping. I’m not saying that your husband is up to something. I am directly, blatantly, saying that your friend is, and chick gotta go. You (and your husband) may have grown up with her, but she ain’t living right, boo. What does she mean, she never saw your husband “in a sexual way before”? Before? Does she see him that way now? I need answers. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Your bestie probably shouldn’t have been your bestie anymore after she entered the bathroom when your husband was showering. Anybody with basic common sense knows you don’t go around someone else’s husband when he’s naked. This is 2 + 2, not algebra. At best, you should have had a conversation about inappropriateness and suggested she find another place to live, because clearly the current situation isn’t working out too well. But really, the friendship should have received the ax and she should have been kicked out. That episode was no mistake. I mean, there was another bathroom in the house. Her actions were intentional and sloppy.

If you want to feel bad about how you handled it, feel bad that you were too tolerant. Most women in your position would have unceremoniously asked her to leave the house.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: My Cheating Husband Wants Us To Keep Up Appearances

 

Dear Demetria:

I am beyond blown. My husband decides to let me know last night that he has been having a two-year affair with a co-worker. I am in a daze right now. He is also begging me to still go to Thanksgiving dinner with his family because his mom has been dealing with major health issues and this would be too much for her. I adore his mother and she is honestly dealing with some major health issues, but I just think he is trying to “save face.” I just want to hide under my comforter and cry. What do you think? —Anonymous

Before I say anything else, I am sorry. I am sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry you got blindsided with this right before the holidays. I am sorry your husband is a sorry man.

But hold up. Your husband just did the emotional equivalent of kicking you in the chest and has you walking around “in a daze,” and you’re trying to be a good wife, concerned about him and his mama? Who is worried about you, boo? I’m asking: You OK, sis?

I’m appalled that your husband would spring this on you the week of Thanksgiving. And I wonder why now, since he hadn’t said anything all this time. What’s the catalyst for this horrific timing? Not that there’s ever really a “right” time to drop this information on a spouse, but doing it right before he wants you to show up and play nice for his family certainly isn’t it.

Why didn’t he wait until after Thanksgiving? Or after the holidays altogether? Or, since he’s so worried about how this news will affect his very sick mother, who sounds as if she might go any day, until after she passes?

I’m going to guess that someone found out about his affair and gave him a “you tell your wife or I will” ultimatum. What I know is, he didn’t confess out of guilt. Because any man with half a brain—or at least one who wants to make his marriage work—knows that if his wife finds out he’s cheating, he’s supposed to fall on his sword. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry ... ” is all he’s supposed to say, not, “Yeah, so I know I just destroyed our marriage, but could you pull yourself together for my mom’s sake?” You’re his wife and all you want to do is cry. His concern isn’t about what he’s done to you but what your absence at Thanksgiving will do to his mama. Like I said: sorry.

Let’s be clear: Your missing dinner isn’t going to send his mama to the great beyond. But perhaps finding out that part of her legacy is having a sorry man for a son could. That, however, is between that man and his mama. The effect and appearance of him showing up to Thanksgiving sans wife was something he should have thought about while he was carrying on with his co-worker and, later on, when he was telling you about it. If he was so concerned about what his mother thought, perhaps he should have invested more energy in living in a way that would make her—and his wife—proud.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: I Fought My Brother's GF at Thanksgiving Dinner

Well, this is a first.

A reader wrote in this morning about a brawl that broke out over Thanksgiving dinner:

‪Got in a physical fight at T'giving dinner with my brother’s girlfriend. I am getting married in 3 weeks and bro is threatening to drop out unless [the girlfriend and I] makeup. Family is with him. I hate this and her and that I am in this wretched situation. Should I just chalk it up and reconcile?

Um… I couldn’t focus. She was asking about whether she should reconcile, but something is off about this story, starting with what could bring grown women to blows at Thanksgiving dinner?  So I asked…

“What in Hova's name was so important that you and your bro's lady came to blows at Thanksgiving?”

She explained:

 [The girlfriend] is very rude and belligerent and started cursing around kids/elders. I told her to watch her language because of the folks present and she decided that I was the one. I told her she needs to act like a lady and walked away. She followed and put hands on me. And I showed her what they do…

Is it me? Or something is off here?

I responded:

Well. 

Ok. So you tell me if I’m wrong, here. Family will usually rally around family and against an outsider, unless the family member is dead wrong. I can’t see an outsider woman, even if she’s the GF of the favorite son, cursing in front of granny and the grandbabies, then putting her hands on family at Thanksgiving dinner, and family going against family to side with the outsider. This version of events doesn’t even make sense.

But whatever. The questions was whether she should apologize to her bro’s GF so that he will participate in the upcoming wedding. To which I answered:

‪You gotta decide what's more worth it to you: family peace or withholding and apology on principle.

‪

And what I should have said that I didn’t:

If the whole family is siding against you over someone not family and they think you’re wrong about an event they witnessed, yeah, you’re probably very wrong. So just go on and apologize to keep the peace and your bro in the wedding.

Your thoughts? 

Ask Demetria: My Boyfriend Stood Me Up for Thanksgiving

Dear Demetria:

“My boyfriend of four months was supposed to come to my parents crib [for Thanksgiving] and he never did. I was embarrassed because I told my mom he would [come]. It’s important to me to meet his people and vice versa, but he acts hesitant. We’ve had issues before where he kind of stood me up and I always had an excuse. Am I being dramatic for being upset?”

This is my least favorite time of year to give advice. As I type, just before midnight on Thanksgiving, my Ask.FM inbox is overrun with messages from women who were disappointed today when their alleged boyfriends didn’t show up for family dinner.

Here’s another current one:

“My whole [Thanksgiving] was effed up. Boyfriend had to work. Told me he would be there all day. We were texting through out the day. Around 5PM, I asked if he wanted me to bring food to his job. He was at his sister’s. My blood was boiling. I asked he would stop by. He said he’d try. The f--- they do that at? I am so feeling a certain type of way about this. He’s been inside me THIS WEEK!”

Some version of this happens every year… to a lot of people.

You can tell a lot about a person’s interest based on how they act/ show up for the holidays. And a lot of people who think they are in a committed relationship, or at least a situation “going somewhere”, find out otherwise. People also tend to have a lot of expectations for this time of year (those Hallmark commercials have done a doozy on everyone) and get profoundly let down when they’re not met.

Too often, those disappointed people come to me, asking the obvious (see above and below). And some of them get very upset when I answer with the stark truth that they’re trying to avoid, which is exactly what happened here.

That first woman asked, so I answered:

You’re asking if you’re being “dramatic” because you are upset after you were stood up again? You’re not being dramatic enough. He stood you up on Thanksgiving and embarrassed you in front of your family. This is level 10.

It’s also at least the SECOND time he’s stood you up. He shoulda been gone after the first if there was no VERY valid explanation for why he couldn’t show up for you. Dude’s at best unreliable. At worst? Uninterested. Call this a wrap.

She wasn’t so pleased with this answer. I get it. No one wants to hear someone they care about isn’t that into them. And because she’s not ready to let go, she was trying to justify his behavior.

The same woman wrote back:

“I’m not a silly girl and I’m not blaming myself. And there was a lack of communication on both our parts at times. We are together nearly 85% of [the] time. I just wanted to know if 4 months is too early to meet parents. I’m ready, but I feel he isn’t. I feel we should have been together today.”

I responded:

If you’re in a relationship, it’s cool to meet parents.  You don’t have to, of course, but you can. (Everyone doesn’t agree with that, I know. To which I ask: if after the dating process—i.e., vetting—you don’t know if he’s suitable to meet your parents, why did you commit to him?)

But whether it’s too soon or not, he agreed to show up. And if he thought it was too soon, then he should have said that instead of just skipping out on you.

Stop making excuses for him, especially since it’s not the first time he stood you up, by your account.

She responded again:

“I write to you because I feel that my entire family judges and ridicules me. I know for sure that love isn’t entirely black and white. There are grey areas and I know you’ve lived through grey areas at some point in life. I just ask that you take that into account when people reach out to you.”

See now? This is the part I hate, when readers don’t want to handle the truth, and want to accuse me of being judge-y or ridiculing them or not understanding the concept of grey.

In this case, what she doesn’t know is I’ve been stood up by a boyfriend on Thanksgiving (something I’ve written about repeatedly). And because I was so into him, I wanted to pretend against my better judgment that it didn’t mean what I knew it meant: this is the wrong mofo for me. But I was in what I then-thought was love, and I wanted to believe the BS excuse he gave me (which was really, really bad) because I wanted him.

And you know what happened not even two weeks after I forgave him? He sh—ed on me again. We made plans to take a road trip, and I was all prepped and ready and he actually called that time— the day before—and said he thought it best if I didn’t go.  Why did he do that? Because 1) he was apparently the giver of no damns; and 2) by sticking around after the first time he’d completely disrespected me, I’d made it clear to him that I would put up with that. *Cue the sound of my heart breaking.*

That is when I accepted what I’d been trying to pretend otherwise about: that man didn’t want me. Period. And if I accepted it the first time, I wouldn’t have played myself a second and been hurt as much for getting played by him as for playing myself. Again.

This was my response to the woman’s last response:

You asked what I thought and I answered, on. You came to me for my opinion.

Because you don’t like the answer doesn’t make it wrong.

Standing your girl up— and not for the first time—and on Thanksgiving is a red flag.*

Everything ain’t grey, babes. Sorry if your feelings are hurt, but take that out on the guy who didn’t show.

*And as commenters who saw the question noted, is also a sign that you’re a side chick

Ask Demetria: My Family Is Divided Over a Rape Accusation

Occasionally, readers have queries that don’t fit conveniently into the ask.FM box. My general rule, is that if it’s too long to fit, it’s a question that requires coaching (or maybe therapy) instead of a quick answer. (If you have a question that falls into the in-need-of-coaching category, hit me up: coachedbybelle at gmail dot com. PLEASE NOTE: there is a fee.)

This one, I made an exception for. A man wrote in to say that his female cousin recently claimed that he father raped her 9 years ago. The family is deeply divided over the issue and certain factions have stopped speaking to each other for more than 8 months.

I provided an in depth answer to him privately, and it was to get a therapist involved ASAP. (You’ll understand after you read his story.) Because this is a deeply personal story, I did ask if it was okay to share it since he contacted me privately. He asked that I would:

"I use to think the movie Precious was overly dramatic and distant until my cousin became my real life "Precious". I hope this story will inspire others to ban together as family should and be courageous in a fight against family curses."

Without further hesitation:

My family has been left divided over a rape claim. My cousin, 23, claimed her father raped her when she was 14. She has decided to press charges against her father. My cousin told investigators she tried to fight off her father when the rape took place. She has been tested for HIV twice a year since she was 16 and by God's grace tests negative.

Her mother, my aunt, did not take her seriously and immediately dismissed her claim. In fact, she laughed.  Half of my family, including me, support my cousin, while others like my grandmother and her own mother do not. This has left us divided and some of us have not spoken in over eight months.

Here is some back story to this entire situation. My cousin’s father has 10 kids with 5 different women, including my aunt. He is currently married to one of this women women, and yes, you guessed it, it's not my aunt. Yet, my aunt insists that he will divorce this woman and eventually put a ring on her finger.

Here is the shocker...

Two years ago my aunt discovered she was HIV positive. This was 8 years into her now rekindled relationship with my cousin’s (still married) father. He claims he is negative, but refuses to get tested.

Despite all of these details, certain family members choose to negate his history and reject my cousin’s claims. Furthermore, her mother feels that her daughter’s negative status is proof that her father is an innocent man.

I have decided to hold a family “Iyanla, Fix Our Life” type of meeting/intervention, but my significant other thinks it's a bad idea. Is it?

What do you think?

Ask Demetria: My Friend Introduced Me to a Guy She Slept With (but Didn’t Tell Me)

 

Dear Demetria:

I’m dating a guy I met through a friend. She introduced him as a friend only but admitted that she used to find him attractive. When he approached me about spending time, I asked her if it was cool and she said, “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?!” He later tells me they had sex once, but she never told me. Do I ask her about it? —Anonymous

Ooh. Just so you know, this is about to get so messy. You may need to let this fish go back to the pond if you want to keep your friendship.

It seems that your friend was more than just a friend to the guy she introduced you to. If what he said is true and they did have sex, I wonder why she just didn’t say that or at least tell you, “We hooked up once,” which implies a range of possibilities, when you asked about him. It’s something that most women would want to know about someone they’re dating.

Of course, there are some women who can have sex with someone with no feelings attached. It’s just sex. Those women also tend to be the type who would say, “Yeah, we had sex, but that’s all” if you inquired about dating someone they knew, and they would say it as matter-of-factly as they would an observation about water being wet. Your friend who breezed right over that interesting information is not that woman.

She liked him. She found him attractive. It didn’t work out, for whatever reason. That doesn’t make her a bad person. It does sound as if she’s trying to be that cool friend who’s pretending to be OK with her friend dating someone she slept with. I respect that. And she will be, too, until the guy takes a real interest in you—a direction he’s already moving in.

The guy you’re dating told you that he slept with your friend because it became apparent that you didn’t know. He knew that if you found out on the back end, you might bail on him. He wanted to be transparent, which your actual friend should have been.

You can ask her about it if you want. I don’t know what you hope to gain by doing so, however, other than possible confirmation or a fall deeper into the rabbit hole of this soon-to-be-crazier situation. The solution here boil down to this: Stop dating the guy and keep your friend, or keep dating him and watch things get messy. Those are your only two real choices.

I’ve been through this before. Many, many years ago my friend casually introduced a man to me by saying, “We’re just friends.” As he walked off, she snickered that he was her “former jump-off.”

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: My Girlfriend Doesn't Measure Up to My Friends. Should I Bounce?

 

Dear Demetria:

My girlfriend is 29, working at a call center, in school for her bachelor’s degree and living with her parents. Sadly, she’s a late bloomer. While I wish she was more established, I’m OK. My mother, though, thinks I’m settling. I love my girl, but my circle includes doctors, attorneys, public relations executives, MBAs, etc. I don’t think my girlfriend fits in. Is it wrong to explore options? —Anonymous

It’s not wrong or right to explore other options, as long as you break up with her and don’t cheat on her. If you’re in a relationship and not satisfied, by all means, go find what makes you happy.

But before you do that, you need to figure out what you want and what matters to you, which I’m not sure you are clear about just yet. You wrote that you didn’t care that your girlfriend is a “late bloomer,” but then you quickly added what your mother thinks about her and how your girlfriend doesn’t fit in with your friends. Does your mom and what looks good in your circle matter more than your love for your woman? Maybe so. But be honest about that and don’t blame your girlfriend because you value your mother’s opinion and care more about your friends than you do the person you’re with.

It really sounds as if you’re more interested in a good look than a good woman. If that’s what’s more important to you, so be it. But take ownership of that and don’t put your girlfriend down for not meeting your new expectations. It’s not as if she’s a slouch. She’s working, at least part time, and in school. She’s 29 and making the sacrifice—because it’s a rare American adult who really wants to live at home with his or her parents and under their rules—in order to get where she wants to be in the future. You seem unwilling to wait or support her while she’s putting in the effort to build herself up. That’s your choice. But be mindful not to blame her for that, as if she’s done something wrong here.

I’ll also warn you to be careful what you ask for. There are good people with sexy jobs, and you can find a great woman with a more alluring job title that will impress your friends and mother. But do know that good people at any station in life are hard to come by. Replacing your girlfriend with someone else you fall in love with is entirely possible, but it won’t be as simple as you think, mostly because, well, to be frank, your mom is too involved in your relationships and you seem insecure about your place in the world.

That professional woman who has it all together? She’s not going to deal very long with a guy who comes to her with “Well, my mama thinks ... ” That gets old real quick. And whatever new woman you find, if you keep the outlook about her having to fit in with your friends, she’s never going to live up to what you want in the long run. They’re going to move up in their careers. What if she doesn’t move up as fast? Does she go by the wayside, too?

And what if she’s a high-powered attorney who gets burned out and wants to try something less demanding? Does she get dismissed, too? What if the new woman outearns and has more degrees than everyone in your circle, but your mom and friends still don’t like her? Does she go, too?

What we’re really talking about is your insecurities. You want a girlfriend with some “oomph” because it makes you think you’re hotter and will compensate for your own perceived deficits.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: "My Ex Abandoned Me (and the Kids), But Now He Wants A Second Chance"

Dear Demetria:

My boyfriend cheated and abandoned me and my kids. I didn’t even know he was leaving. I came home and his things were gone. I started dating a great guy, but after a year my ex has returned and wants to get married. The new guy has been there for that year, helping me with financial issues and me. Would I be wrong for going back to my ex? I still love him, and he said he needed time to give me 100 percent like I gave him. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like I never should have been without my ex. —Anonymous

Don’t be a fool for love. You’re in love with a man who, from what you’re telling me here, doesn’t deserve what you want to offer him. The guy who deserves it? He’s the one who’s been doing the most, pitching in to help financially and taking care of you while you’re a mess, pining for a man who doesn’t appreciate you. Just as you hope your ex will appreciate you the second time around, I wish you could appreciate the man in front of you. You’d be so much happier in the long run.

Your ex is no good for you. He walked out on you and your kids, and for a year he never looked back. He didn’t care how the rent (or mortgage) got paid or how you would explain his absence to the kids or the emotional toll it would take on you. He wanted to go and didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye. This is not the type of man you give a second chance to, much less marry. If you go back to him, he will do it again. He fundamentally does not respect you or commitment.

Let me tell you where your ex has been. He wasn’t sitting up somewhere in a monastery, praying daily and taking vows of silence and abstinence to find the God within himself. While you were trying to figure out how to take care of your kids on one income again, he was finding himself laid up with the woman (or one of the women) he was cheating on you with. While you were crying your eyes out about him leaving, he was taking her to dinner and buying her trinkets and whispering sweet nothings. While your kids were asking, “Where’s so-and-so?” he may have been splurging on this other woman’s child, trying to win that child’s affection and more of his or her mama’s. You’ll never know what he was up to because while you were holding it down, he was not there anymore.

Because some version of this question comes up over and over and over in my inbox, I’m going to safely say that the woman or women he was with all this time either bored him or got rid of him. Now he needs some attention, and he’s shown back up at your door begging and promising the world and everything in it. It’s a mirage, hon. Don’t be fooled. Either he needs a place to stay or he’s jealous of your happiness and wants you to want him.

If you leave the new guy for your ex—exactly what your ex did to you, so you know—you will soon find yourself back in the same spot you were a year ago. Your ex isn’t staying this time, either, and when he leaves again, the new guy likely isn’t going to be as forgiving to you as you are to your ex. You’ll be on your own, again, which you probably need to be anyway. If you could skip all the drama to reach that point, it would serve you better.

So about the new guy: You’re using him—again, just as you were used by your ex. You’re keeping the new guy around while you piece yourself back together, and spending his money. It’s not fair to him, and you know exactly how unfair it is because you’ve been in his position.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: Is a BF Responsible for Covering Emergency Bills?

Dear Demetria:

My best friend, who lives with her boyfriend, got into a car accident. Via mass email, she asked all her friends for money to help with the expensive repair. I said to her privately that her boyfriend should be handling that, not us. She called me judgmental and unrealistic, then we fought about my high expectations. In this instance, was I wrong? —Anonymous

It depends. There are two separate issues here. One is your response to a friend who was asking for help; the other is whether her boyfriend is responsible for covering her repairs.

Your response to a friend in need wasn’t wrong per se, but it also wasn’t right. Your girl is in need, and what you were supposed to do as a friend was let her know whether or not you could help, period. Telling her that her man is responsible for her finances wasn’t really your place. It sounds as if you didn’t want to cough up any money—and it’s your right to say no—but instead of just being honest about that, you tried to pass the buck to your friend’s man. That was overstepping the boundaries of your friendship.

Your friend may have asked her man for money and he didn’t have it or didn’t have enough to cover everything. Or maybe he said no to her request, too. After all, as a boyfriend, he isn’t obliged to cover her car repairs—just as you aren’t. The only person financially responsible for the car is your best friend, along with her insurance company. Speaking of which, why aren’t they covering the expensive repairs for her car? (If there was any question to ask your friend, this was it.)

But back to her boyfriend. I find many people these days have husband or wife expectations of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Covering or contributing to a major bill is a spouse duty, not a significant-other obligation. It’s nice when a boyfriend wants to pitch in to help, even though that can come with its own headaches, but he certainly shouldn’t be your primary option for bailing you out of a financial mess. Your man isn’t your personal ATM or a financial plan.

Your friend’s situation is a little tricky in that she and her partner live together, sort of like husband and wife, but without the primary benefits of that commitment. Their situation is a gray area, one in which couples get to pick and choose which traits of a spouse they will take on. This is one of the complications of living as husband and wife without actually being such. It seems that the boyfriend here has chosen not to cover the cost of the car repair as a husband typically would. And that’s fine, since he is, in fact, not a husband.

Read the Full Story on TheRoot.com 

The Root: "Everything You Were Afraid to Ask About Love"

If you ask Demetria Lucas what she thinks, be prepared for a jolt of raw reality. For the past few years life coach Lucas has dished out advice on everything from bad BFFs, falling for your FWB (friend with benefits) and freaky sex at her website, A Belle in Brooklyn, and in her column, Ask Demetria, at The Root.

She pulled together some of her favorite questions, and no-holds-barred responses, for a tantalizing new book, Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love.

The Root: What does the title mean: Don’t Waste Your Pretty?

Demetria Lucas: “Pretty” is shorthand for all the resources that women take for granted in the dating marketplace and often give away to the wrong person. Your “pretty” is your energy, emotional investment, time, listening skills, nurturing, sex, sacrifices, cheerleading, hand-holding, etc. The “pretty” I refer to in the book title is also a resource, but it’s the least important of what you bring to the table. Pretty gets you noticed across the room, but it’s everything else you bring to the table that keeps a potential partner calling and coming back.

TR: A lot of what you teach is old-school values: respecting yourself, protecting your health, your well-being and your money. Do you feel your message about values is getting through?

DL: I do. A lot of women—and men—didn’t get much guidance about how to date or create healthy relationships. They don’t know what they’re supposed to do, or not. They’re just doing the best they can.

I’ve had countless people write in to say they were skeptical of my advice, but what they were doing wasn’t working, so they figured, “Why not try what Belle said? I’ll speak to my mate a little softer. I’ll ask for what I want. I’ll stop looking away when a guy makes eye contact and I’ll smile instead.” And it worked. All people want is results, and if values get that, they’re happy to embrace it.

TR: You credit your parents and their marriage a lot with your ability to sort out the rights and wrongs of relationships. Do you think most women—or most of the women you counsel—are still looking for marriage? Or do they just want a relationship, even if it’s without the ring?

DL: Absolutely, for the vast majority of my readers and clients, marriage is still the ultimate goal. The single ladies want a relationship, then a ring, then a husband and then some kids. The women in long-term relationships still want a ring. The “mothers of child” want to become wives, if not to the father of their child, then to someone. There’s great fretting about the possibility of never getting married. “Just” a relationship is not enough.

TR: When you’ve met some of these women at book signings or other events, what kinds of things do they tell you about the advice you gave them?

Read the FULL STORY on TheRoot.com

Ask Demetria: Exclusivity Is For Relationships

Dear Demetria:

I’m not in a committed relationship, but I am dating someone (nothing physical). Another guy has asked me on a date, which I accepted. My friends are giving me grief, saying I should date one person at a time and give it a chance to grow. Am I wrong?” —Anonymous

Your friends are good people who are giving bad advice.

Exclusivity is for committed relationships, and since you aren’t in one, you shouldn’t act like you are. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t want you to see other people, then he should offer you a commitment and a title. And so you know, if he hasn’t asked you to be in a relationship, he’s not exclusive to you—and he shouldn’t be. He’s single.

Here’s the thing: What if you date this guy for months, finally ask him, “Where is this going?” and he comes back with, “I like things the way they are” or “I just want to be friends.” Then you’ve invested months getting to know someone who’s never going to be your boyfriend, and you’re left disappointed with no options on your plate. You’re stuck either sticking with a guy who doesn’t want to commit, and maybe trying to convince him to change his mind (pointless), or starting over from scratch after months invested and no commitment to show for it. That’s a waste of your pretty.

Exclusivity is also a resource. One of the many reasons that men commit, other than “just” liking you, is that they see you have a lot to offer. A man knows that if he sees it, other men will notice that, too, and he doesn’t want you entertaining other men.

A commitment is an attempt to keep you all to himself. When you give exclusivity away, you’re giving away one good reason for him to commit. He’s got one of the big bonuses of a relationship (and likely others, too) without actually being in one anyway. What’s the incentive here?

I challenge you to rethink what dating is—not a relationship status but an activity. Your goal while doing this activity is to have fun and evaluate the person you’re dating to see if you actually like him. That’s it. After you’ve spent a few months—you need to see his ups and, more important, his downs—then you discuss a relationship.

When you meet a man, even if you like him, don’t shut yourself off from other men. Keep going out, keep flirting, keep meeting people, and keep going on dates with anyone you find interesting and/or attractive. He is.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: Should I Tell My Husband Our Child Isn't His?

 

Dear Demetria:

I am the mother of two. I have an amazing husband and father to my children. The last child is not his, and he is unaware. His best friend and I had a one-night stand two years ago when my hubby was out of town. I can’t bring myself to come clean.

I just started going to therapy about this. The guilt is making me miserable. I feel honesty would break our whole family apart. I'm afraid to find out what my husband may do. —Anonymous

My grandmother had a saying about truth: “What’s done in the dark will always come to the light.” You’ve been carrying some huge secrets, and despite trying to ignore and avoid them, they’ve come to the forefront of your mind nearly three years later with a crippling vengeance that’s making you miserable.

I’m glad you’re in therapy. That’s a good starting point. If you have a good therapist, she or he will help you find the courage to “come clean,” as you put it, and tell your husband the truth about your affair and the child that resulted from it. It’s not the easy thing to do, but it is the right course of action here for everyone involved, including you.

Your husband deserves to know the truth, and sooner rather than later. Your child, though too young to understand what’s going on now, also deserves the truth, and the older she or he is when you tell her or him, the more devastated the child will be. Surely you’ve seen that viral video of the trailer for Paternity Court when a grown man discovers that his dad is not his biological father. He was broken, and it’s heartbreaking to watch. You don’t do that to your kid.

Your husband will be devastated, and he will be angry (to put it mildly). And the longer you wait, the more intense those feelings will be. I suggest that you speak with your therapist about bringing your husband into a session sooner rather than later and confessing to him in a controlled environment.

But before you do that, let’s make sure you’re accurate about what you’re confessing to. Have you had a DNA test done on the child to verify who her or his father is? I hope so, but if not, you need to do so immediately, and before you tell your husband anything. There’s no sense in having an unnecessary back-and-forth about who the actual father is, if your husband is actually that person.

If your husband is positively not the father, you need to inform your husband’s best friend that he is, if he’s not aware already. The best friend needs to know right after you tell your husband what you’ve been hiding. (Why after? Because your husband’s been on the back end of secrets long enough.) Your husband is also going to be hurt by and angry with him, too, but that’s not your concern. The men will work that out with each other.

Oh, and even if the child is biologically your husband’s, he still needs to know about the affair.

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Ask Demetria: My Husband Says Birth Control Is My Problem...

Q: My husband and I are discussing stopping at baby No. 2. I’m fine with that, but not his solution. He wants me to get my tubes tied or get on birth control. I told him I don’t want to and suggested instead that he have a vasectomy or wear a condom. He said he’s not having an operation and he’s not wearing a condom. He says my body is already used to trauma since I give birth, so why not add the tubes to the operation?

It’s not fair that I have to carry his kids and then, on top of that, get on birth control just because he won’t wear a condom. I don’t know how else to explain to him that I’m not getting my tubes tied. I already gave up my body and career for our family and feel he’s getting the good side of stuff. How can we resolve this? —Anonymous

A: Consider this your heads-up that you’re not going to like my answer. Your husband’s point of view here is crass. There’s an issue that needs addressing, and he’s decided that you alone are the one who needs to address it. He’s not willing to take the most simple solution—a condom—because he doesn’t want to lose any pleasure. He is, however, comfortable placing the onus of solving this issue on you, since you’re “used to trauma” even though it requires significantly more sacrifice from you than it would from him.

Your husband is way too comfortable shucking the responsibility onto you. You’re right. It isn’t fair. But life isn’t.

Your frustration is understandable. That said, he’s made it 100 percent clear that he doesn’t consider family planning his problem. So unless you’re going to stop having sex after kid No. 2—it actually solves the current problem and addresses all concerns but raises an even bigger one—you’re going to have to pick up the ball he’s decided to drop in your lap.

The bottom line is that when it comes to childbearing and rearing, the primary sacrifice—body, time, energy—comes from you. If you want to ensure that you don’t have a house full of kids with someone who, I can tell by your question, you already don’t think pulls his weight, you need to make sure it doesn’t happen. That means you bite the bullet and go to your ob-gyn and have a conversation about your best options.

Now that we’ve addressed that, can we get to the real issue? You feel that you’re getting the short end of the stick in your marriage and you’re sick of it. You’re arguing about what’s “fair” and what you’ve “given up” and “his” kids, not “ours.” Family planning is just the battleground on which you’ve chosen to fight an ongoing war. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else, and it will become everything else until you feel that your husband is making sacrifices equal to yours.

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