Ask Demetria UPDATE: #Justthetip

Dear Demetria:

You told us to cool out before things went too far. They did, and now we’re in trouble. I got her pregnant. Now she wants me to tell her dad by myself. I’m not talking to bruh by myself. He’s a big dude, like black man from The Green Mile big. He might break my damn legs, and I need these legs. What do I do? —Anonymous

I remember your story. You sent a query to Ask Belle about three months ago to say that you “accidentally” took your girlfriend’s virginity and she was mad.

You wrote this:

I swear it was a weird accident. My girl wants to wait until marriage. In the meantime, we do everything but penetration. Last night, we humping. I got her legs on my shoulder and I’m moving. I made a wrong move or something. The next thing I know I’m in. But not all the way in, just the tip. My girl starts screaming and punching me. She’s asking me what did I just do. She telling me I ruined her virginity and this wasn’t how she wanted to lose it. I feel like [s--t], man. Unfixable or nah? P.S.: I love her.

After a bit of back-and-forth, I learned that you were both 18 and high school seniors, and neither one of you had received a proper sex talk. Her parents are super religious and had simply admonished her not to have sex. (Dear parents: This is not effective.) They didn’t discuss with her how to manage her sexual urges, other than to pray about it.

I—and several readers on social media—wrote in to support you after you and your girlfriend shared your story. Everyone reading had once been a sexually excited teenager, and very few of us were given the proper information about how to protect ourselves from accidental pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. We learned by trial and error. We tried to have the conversation with you and your girlfriend that we didn’t get from our parents.

We told you then that whatever you two chose to call what y’all were doing, you needed to wear a condom (or at least underwear) while doing it. We didn’t tell you not to have sex, which would have been unrealistic, since the average American loses his or her virginity at age 17. We told you how to protect yourself. We were rooting for you both, man.

Your girlfriend’s pregnancy may have you feeling as if it’s the end of the world. It isn’t. I promise. But this is a big deal. You’re scared—as you should be—and not just of your girlfriend’s father, whom you should have thought about when you weren’t using a condom. You and your girlfriend just took on a major responsibility, the magnitude of which I’m not sure you fully grasp just yet. Starting now, and for at least the next 18 years (really, for the rest of your life), you’re both in this together.

The upside of this togetherness, however, is that you’re not required to tell her father alone. I’m positive that there were two people actively involved who resulted in her pregnancy. So either both of you inform her father together, or she tells her father alone, since it’s her father.

Read the full story on The Root 

Ask Demetria: My Husband Says Birth Control Is My Problem...

Q: My husband and I are discussing stopping at baby No. 2. I’m fine with that, but not his solution. He wants me to get my tubes tied or get on birth control. I told him I don’t want to and suggested instead that he have a vasectomy or wear a condom. He said he’s not having an operation and he’s not wearing a condom. He says my body is already used to trauma since I give birth, so why not add the tubes to the operation?

It’s not fair that I have to carry his kids and then, on top of that, get on birth control just because he won’t wear a condom. I don’t know how else to explain to him that I’m not getting my tubes tied. I already gave up my body and career for our family and feel he’s getting the good side of stuff. How can we resolve this? —Anonymous

A: Consider this your heads-up that you’re not going to like my answer. Your husband’s point of view here is crass. There’s an issue that needs addressing, and he’s decided that you alone are the one who needs to address it. He’s not willing to take the most simple solution—a condom—because he doesn’t want to lose any pleasure. He is, however, comfortable placing the onus of solving this issue on you, since you’re “used to trauma” even though it requires significantly more sacrifice from you than it would from him.

Your husband is way too comfortable shucking the responsibility onto you. You’re right. It isn’t fair. But life isn’t.

Your frustration is understandable. That said, he’s made it 100 percent clear that he doesn’t consider family planning his problem. So unless you’re going to stop having sex after kid No. 2—it actually solves the current problem and addresses all concerns but raises an even bigger one—you’re going to have to pick up the ball he’s decided to drop in your lap.

The bottom line is that when it comes to childbearing and rearing, the primary sacrifice—body, time, energy—comes from you. If you want to ensure that you don’t have a house full of kids with someone who, I can tell by your question, you already don’t think pulls his weight, you need to make sure it doesn’t happen. That means you bite the bullet and go to your ob-gyn and have a conversation about your best options.

Now that we’ve addressed that, can we get to the real issue? You feel that you’re getting the short end of the stick in your marriage and you’re sick of it. You’re arguing about what’s “fair” and what you’ve “given up” and “his” kids, not “ours.” Family planning is just the battleground on which you’ve chosen to fight an ongoing war. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else, and it will become everything else until you feel that your husband is making sacrifices equal to yours.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: How to Ask Your Man to Get an HIV Test

“I am ready to have sex with a guy I am dating, and I want to do the right thing and get tested [for HIV] first. I don’t know how to bring it up though. I tried to discuss getting tested with a man I dated before him. He was taking me to an appointment and there was a testing center nearby. I suggested on a whim that we get tested and he freaked out. He said he didn’t need to be tested and it was like I was telling him that I didn’t trust him. How can I avoid this happening again?” —Y.F.

I am proud of you for putting your health first. It’s because of women like you who have made getting tested and having safe sex a priority in their relationships that new HIV infections among black women declined 21 percent from 2008 to 2010, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. This is amazing news.

Now, about that ex of yours. I’ve spent the last few months touring the country for “Life. As We Know It,” a frank discussion series on dating, relationships and safe sex. I’ve heard from many women who fear that asking their partner to get tested will elicit the same reaction that your ex gave. But I’ve heard from more women who have asked their mate something like, “Hey, I think we should get tested for HIV,” and his response was, more or less, “OK.”

The guy who flipped out sounds like a statistical anomaly. He implied that he had never been tested for HIV, and actually the majority of black people have been. In fact, also according to the CDC, blacks are “more likely than other races and ethnicities to report that they have been tested for HIV at least once—65 percent versus 46 percent for Hispanics/Latinos and 41 percent for whites.”

There are a couple of reasons he could have had that reaction with you. One, he’s not comfortable with the idea of getting tested. Maybe he’s engaged in risky behaviors, and he could be afraid of what the test results would show. Despite what he said about not needing to get tested, if he’s been sexually active, he does. Two, saying you don’t trust him was a weak way of dodging the issue at hand. He sounds quite sketchy. I hope that you did not have sex with him, or if you did, that you have been tested since then.

One thing I’d like to suggest going forward. Getting tested obviously can be a touchy topic for some people. I know you were trying to take advantage of the moment, but the idea of getting tested may go over better if you talk about it in a more comfortable environment instead of springing it on your partner in a public place. That could be a third reason he reacted that way.

Next time there’s a conversation about sex with the new guy—because there’s always a conversation—casually suggest that the two of you “get tested together.” Together is the key word.

Read more: here