4:20 is the Loneliest Hour on Earth

"All the world's a stage. And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.

- As You Like It, William Shakespeare

 

Hey honeybees, I know I am usually light and fluffy with the posts, but this one's gonna veer left. Ride with me. I'm about to get real Tony Soprano (in the coma) on ya'll.

I had a reoccurring dream last night. I had it once a long time ago - maybe a decade? Or more?– and I've dreamed bits and pieces of it since--snapshots of scenery and locations, encounters with certain people--but it's only come together on two occasions. The last time it happened was so long ago that I forgot about. This time when I dreamt it, it was all the same players as before, but this time I could recognize most of them. They are all people I know or have met.

It was so real that I didn't realize I was dreaming. The emotions so vivid, even as I type now, it's like the whole experience happened and not just in my mind. I'll try to give you the background of the characters (in parentheses) as I go along so that it makes as much since as possible to you.

 

I get a call to meet Penelope and Carmen on the corner of Broadway and Canal (Friends I was supposed to meet earlier tonight were late meeting me. They were supposed to meet another friend who lives on that corner, but they didn't show up.) I'm already in the city so I hop a train. The train takes forever. By the time I get there, and hit them, they've already gone to the club. I decide I'll hail a cab to the meatpacking district club Tenjune instead of getting back on the subway.

I step to the corner, raise my hand, and the cabbie appears. I get in and I recognize the driver. He picked me up the last time I made the same mistake of being late to meet Nell and Carm at the same place. He picked me up in the same location. (The cab driver is a man I've met. Every time his name is brought up, I say something like 'he likes pussy. He doesn't like women. Note the difference. He is the biggest misogynist on Earth.') We chat like old friends because the odds of the same driver, the same destination, the same pick up point to meet the same people have got to be in the billions. He drives and in the course of the trip the destination changes. The New York landscape becomes the suburbs where I grew up, the destination is now a friend's house for a late-night housewarming party (I'm supposed to attend one later today.) The yellow cab is on the long, winding dark street that leads to my parents' subdivision back in the Old Country (Maryland.) At the end of the road, we turn right at the light and the cab is supposed to pull over to let me out.

It keeps going.

"This is my stop!" I remind the driver.

He ignores me.

I tell him again. And again. It's like he can't hear me, but I know he does.

I panic. Think of a how-do-I-get-out-of-this-one? Plan. I realize I have on flip-flops. He has to stop at some point. He has to get out of the front and into the back of the car to get to me. If he does not lock me in, I will get out and run like hell. He will have to catch me to rape me--or worse--kill me. He is counting on my fear, I'm sure. I will not wait for either to happen. I will run.

I hook my large purse on the crease of my elbow. My phone is in my hand in case I need to drop the purse while I haul ass. I must keep my phone to call for help when I get to a safe place. I don't know anyone's number by heart.

The cab tunnels forward, obeying the speed limit. It turns into a subdivision (not my parents') and I vaguely recognize my surroundings. It's a dark street and at the end, it's cul-de-sac peppered with mini-mansions. There was a party here once at a beautiful home with a gigantic fountain that greets visitors as soon as they enter what would be the foyer. The foyer was 20-feet tall. It was thrown by a friend of my father's. It was a night to remember. A stand- around- and-chat bourgoise affair while we all wore designer wares made to impress. Months later, 200 partygoers discovered that the house didn't belong to the person who threw it. In fact, the person the house did belong to didn't know there was a party.

The cab slows. I put my palm on the handle to open the door.

"Take me back to where I was supposed to get out,'' I demand to the driver. "Take me back!!!!"

He ignores me. I know for certain that I will be raped or killed--or both--if I don't act fast. I will die a gruesome death that when it is discovered people will read about it online, shake their hands, and say to a co-worker or friend 'there are some sick people in this world.' They will give the that's- such- a- shame' shy, click the close button for the news site on their computer screens and go back to the monotony of their jobs.

That will not be me.

I pull the handle and my plastic covered foot hits the ground. Dirt. Not grass. Easier to run in. I get my footing and I RUN. I RUN harder and faster than I have ever before. The purse doesn't slow me down. I clutch the phone like it is a gun and I RUN.

I get to the lights highlighting the houses in the cul-de-sac 300 hundred yards away from where I began before I slow down. I don't hear footsteps. I slow to a jog, then a walk. Illuminated by the street lamps, I turn back. The cab is still there. The brake-lights are on. The driver is still in the car.

I have to get inside one of these houses and fast. Before he comes after me. I look around and see the party-house. I don't know the owner but I think it's my safest best. It's familiar at least. I know a family lives there.

I walk up the stone steps to the mansion. I'm bathed in light on the porch. Huge spotlights gift the brightness of their bulbs on me as I ring the doorbell. Footsteps. Children's voices. A woman chastising them to get away from the door. "It's a woman," says one of the kids. Sounds like a toddler.

The woman peeks out the window, looks at me, then cracks open the door. "Can I help you?" she asks. She's blonde, stout. Her hair is in a messy ponytail.

"Yes. I need help. I think I was about to be raped. Please help me. Please."

She nods like she understands or at the very least she recognizes my pleading is genuine, and pulls the door wide open, ushering me into the foyer. Behind her, there's the fountain. Her husband is in front of it. I recognize him as one of my father's friends. A kid is standing behind him, peering over his leg to see me. (My last vacation, I was with my parents. My father had some friends by his suite. I told them I was leaving to run an errand and one- a middle-aged man too- made a sad face, told me he'd miss me. When I returned to the room, he was sitting in a chair facing the door. He raised both arms above his head in the touchdown stance and shouted "YOU'RE BACK! when I walked in. What a greeting!) He looks quizically at his wife (actually a current co-worker of mine) and I begin to explain what happened. He nods when I conclude and invites me to have a seat in the kitchen. The wall on the clock reads eight o'clock.

I get myself together and think who I can call to get me. My parents are nearby. Less than ten minutes away. I ask to use the house phone and when I pick it up to dial, I hear a modem. A kid in another room is instructed to get off the computer, then the line is free. I call my parents and my Dad picks up. I tell him what happened.

He refuses to come get me. (I can't remember why.) I plead with him. "Please. Please, Daddy." His answer doesn't change.

I call other people I know with cars (its' the suburbs. Everyone drives.) I get the voicemail of every single person I call. An hour passes. The kids sit at a nearby table for dinner with their parents and nanny. After dinner, Dad washes dishes, the nanny does flashcards with the kids. Then they are put to bed.

Another hour passes. No one has come to get me. I debate calling a cab, but there's no way in hell, I'm getting in another car if I don't know the driver. For some reason, I don't ask the family to drive me home. I feel like they've already done enough. I look out the window and the cab is still there. I see the brake lights.

I never think to call the police. What will I tell them anyway? The driver didn't stop when I said to and so I jumped out the car and ran? That I never paid the fare?

Another hour passes. The husband appears in the kitchen again. He's clearly ready for me to go. I apologize for bothering him. He shrugs it off, but I know he wants me out. I compliment his home. I tell him I've been there before. That I was at 'the party.' That like everyone else, I had no idea that the person who threw it didn't live there. I add that I hope nothing was broken and his house was not messed up. He tells me that it was left in perfect condition.

My cell phone rings. It's my mother. She wants me to go back to campus (apparently I'm in college and a senior). Pretend the whole thing never happened. Just go back to campus, she keeps insisting.

"Someone was trying to kill me! I cannot just go back!" I remember then that I have class tomorrow. That I have papers due.

My mother will not come get me. She asks where I was on my way too. I tell her a housewarming. She tells me I was probably going to meet some boy, sucks her teeth like she is disgusted with me. She just wants me to go back to campus. She knows I have no way to get there but to walk. Campus is 20 miles away. Even if it was on the corner, I would not go outside. I will not go near that cab.

Another hour passes. Carm calls me back. I tell her what happened. The cab. Where I am. My parents. Help, Carm! She tells me to shut up about it. Never to tell anyone. Act like nothing happened. I wonder what I will tell my professors, shouldn't I tell them why I will miss class? Why my papers will not be done on time? She says I should tell them anything but the truth. I should tell them I had PMS. "Nobody wants to hear that story, D. Nobody cares." She pauses as if realizing the harshness of her words. She begins again, softer this time. "Just move on, okay? Don't be a victim." She's not coming to get me either.

I wonder what to do next. I don't know what to do. I'd cry, but tears won't do shit for me now. I have to think of something.

A half hour passes before the doorbell rings. The husband answers it. It's my parents.

I thought they weren't coming.

They enter the kitchen and my father and the husband are chummy. My mother is profusely apologizing for me interrupting their dinner and family time. They never ask me if I'm okay. If there is more to the story than what I said on the phone. If I can ID the man to file a report. No reassuring hug that it will all be okay. That I am safe now. They don't even acknowledge that I am there other than to apologize for my presence in the family's home, my inconvenience to the family's life.

My father won't look at me. My mother finally pulls me aside as he talks shop with the husband. I have no idea where the wife went. Mother has the same advice as Carm. 'Shut up! Act like it never happened! Don't tell anyone!'

Each objection from me is met with another hostile "Don't..." followed by another piece of advice that I should pretend, ignore, erase from memory what has just occurred.

They drive me back to campus. The cab is gone when we pass the entrance to the subdivision. We ride in silence. My father's driving so the trip takes forever. The sky is turning light blue with the beginnings of dawn. They pull up in front of my dorm. (LaPlata Hall, where I lived as a freshman and sophomore at UMCP.) My father still hasn't spoken to me. I gather my purse in the hook of my arm, clutch my phone. This time it's just an electronic device to me, but I grip it anyway. Maybe that's nerves. I reach for the door handle in the back seat-passenger side. I open it, place a plastic covered foot on the ground.

"Demetria," my father begins. I look up. He's starring ahead like he's talking to the windshield. His hands are in the 9 and 3 position on the wheel. He can't even look at me? "When you get upstairs, look in the mirror," Dad says. "The woman you see standing there. It's her fault. (He actually said this to me about something else catastrophic that actually happened.) You had no business in that cab."

Something bad has happened to me. Someone was going to harm me definitely. Kill me, maybe. But it is my fault? His words seep into my core in that powerful way that only parent-words can. They go into that dark place that only the critiques of the people who brought you in this world and threaten on occasion to take you out can find. Only those who put them there have the key to unlock that place and remove the burden. I guess most of them lose the key or forget or don't realize what they did with the words.

It's my fault? quickly becomes It's my fault. The lock on the door to that place that I have no key clicks shut. It's my fault. It's MY fault. IT'S MY FAULT!!!! The purse feels extra heavy.

I nod. Duly chastised. It's .My. Fault, I process as I pull the handle to the door and mumble a good-bye to my mother.

I wake up with a start, staring at the ceiling. I blink once. Twice. Again. Again. Again until I realize I am home in my bed. I pull the covers to my chin and pray that I am alone. I am so scared.

I speak logically to myself. It was a dream, D. It was all a dream. I think it, then say it aloud as if hearing the words will convince me further. It works. My heart rate finally begins to slow.

My mouth is dry. I pad to the kitchen barefoot, wearing the dress I dozed off in. I throw a look to the front door. It's locked. The safety lock is on. I'm safe even if I don't feel it. Even if I don't feel it, I'm safe.

I get juice from the fridge, then sit on the counter top to smoke a Black & Mild to calm my nerves. I stare out the kitchen window into the blank night. It's silent. New York is silent.

Light it. Pull it. No one to pass it to. I want to tell someone what happened. I want someone to reassure me that I am safe. I debate calling my parents. I don't want to wake them. But really, I don't know that they will care. It was a dream, D, I remind myself. It was all a dream. I think of who else I can call. I don't know what time it is, but it's late, too late to call anyone about a dream. I think of Big, who I haven't talked to in over a year. I could call him. He would listen. He always used to listen. But I won't go down that road again. God bless the child that's got her own, Billie said. "I can make it on my own," said Lena, her incarnate (The Inner Beauty Movement).

I exhale a puff of smoke and cough hard. For the first time ever, I wish I didn't live alone. Maybe this is why people get married. So when they need to be assured that they are safe, there is someone -obligated by vows before God--to tell them "it's okay." I begin to analyze the dream, try to make sense of what it all meant. I reach a conclusion, then I tell myself--outloud--"It's okay." I add unconvincingly, "It's really not your fault. It's not my fault."

I look at the clock before I head back to bed.

4:20 is the loneliest hour on Earth.

Notes from the Nadir: They Do Exist

I'm back in motion, honeybees, but not running at full capacity. I still have an intermittent cough and when I'm not at work I've been keeping myself on bedrest so that I can recover sooner than later. You'd think with all this resting, I'd be able to get some new blogs going but the lack of interaction with the outside world has slowed my creativity to a crawl. Luckily (depending on your perspective), I met up with He, a man I've heard about before and read about in Essence but never experienced for myself. My conversation with He is the source of today's blog.

He is a black man who doesn't date black women. Like Santa said in the M&M commercial when he discovered talking, melt-in-your-mouth-but-not-in-your-hands candy was real, "they do exist!"

As some of you know, I've been working on a book for ... well, a long, long time (finishing it is how most of my bedrest has been spent). I met with an old acquaintance I've crossed paths with several times to discuss some new possibilities related to that project.** He's an amazingly resourceful college grad with a newly minted Ivy degree. His favorite show is about a white radio psychiatrist and his family and He prefers rock to hip-hop (it's all about money, gunplay and hoes, according to He). In rock, it seems every song tells a story. He is from Uptown and in his mid-twenties. He is tall, witty, decidely attractive, crisply attired the times I've encountered him, but alas, not my type. Aside from our conversations never escalating beyond pleasantries, that's why I never hit on him. And well, now I know why he never hit on me.

 

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Rants From My Deathbed: Distressed Damsel-Dar

So I am super sick, convinced, actually, that I have the flu in the dead of summer. Earlier today I declared myself near death (it hurt to hold my head up and I had a fever and chills) and called out of work, which I NEVER do. (I'm anal that way.) Four packets of TheraFlu and half a 12 pack of DayQuil later, I'm finally drugged into numbness and I've positioned myself in such a way that gravity won't allow my nose to run while I type. (All that said, I apologize in advance if this blog makes no sense.) I'd continue to give you all the intricate un-fascinating details of my illness, but that is not the point.

The point is that I think being sick is like best thing that has ever happened to my romantic life. Now that I'm weak and co-dependent (ie, a damsel in distress) every man I've ever batted a waterproof mascara coated lash at is offering to come to my rescue (ie, be my knight in shining armor). Without any call of duty, they are suddenly willing to go above and beyond.

 

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Verbal Snapshots of My Brooklyn Life

Since I started blogging here, people have been telling me how hilarious I am. Until recently, I've never ever thought of myself as funny ( I still don’t.). And I think I know why. My friends are all 10x funnier. Today's blog is random quotes about random things my Brooklynite friends (and visitors) have said, observed, recalled, or advised about relationships this summer. I hope they're as funny (or at the very least odd) to you as they are to me.

· "I have seen the light and it's in there!"--Pimpin @ Cafeteria, referring to his latest female acquisition, whose sex game is apparently on point

· "Learn to swallow... "- Andy @ VH1s Coolest Year in Hell screening , giving frank (albeit slightly drunk) advice on how a woman can keep (but not get) a man

· "Let me take you out, D. We can like go ride horses and shit."- Trent @ The Ave Magazine Anniversary Party, spitting his dead serious A game (he is one of the sweetest and craziest guys I know. He texted the next day to follow up. I turned him down though. )

· "Don't worry, D. I'll keep it soft"- David @ the Heineken/Roots showcase after he offered a formal invite to dance and I hesitated to accept

· "Hey, Baby... we met tonight, right?"- Simon, a hilarious -and gorgeous– man mid-hug/ air-kiss on the corner of 14th &8th. (We actually met the night before.)

· "Their conversations are slightly beyond remedial English"- Kay @ Diddy's Fashion Awards Party, summing up the new relationship between my arch enemy, the stupidest woman on earth, and the most beautiful man on Earth (after Blair Underwood , of course.)

· "You know what, D? It's all a big façade." (he pronounced it fah-caid, but I figured out what he meant anyway.)--Dear Stupid at my 28th birthday party @ Honey, the day I realized why I could never date him

· "D, you're amazing. You are the reason men fight wars."- a self esteem boost during a party at the Soho Adidas store from a male suitor after a really bad day. (I wish I was young enough to not know a line when I hear one. That woulda had me open at 22.)

· "I'm not your fucking brother"--Tariq @ Fort Greene Park after his hundredth pound, fiftieth double kiss, and being called ' my brother' a million times in just a 3 day visit to BK. He then noted that BK folks are the nicest people on earth.

· "My dick was in her mouth before the salmon was warm"- Parker @ Dos Caminos, describing his latest encounter with his most favorite older woman jump off (who cooks to show her appreciation for his services.)

· "Ugh. I want something brown in my bed, not Something New!!!!"- Ace @ Habana Outpost after I pointed out a delicious white boy

· "Why not? I have my shirt off"--a slightly drunk, slightly arrogant well-built bartender @ a Brooklyn house party when I refused to give him my number

I Put Away Childish Things... Or Something Like That

New York Fashion Week, there was a fabo party by Jacob the Jeweler at the Bentley dealership on the West Side. I was standing at the bar with Bianca, twirling a piece of my fluff around my index finger and waiting for my drink (they ran out of glasses) when a very lovely, chocolate, six-three , beareded specimen appears beside me. He elbows for room at the bar, bumping me.

"Mister," I say, glaring at him and pushing back into my space. "I know you see me standing here."

He assesses me for a few moments without saying anything. Then finally blurts, "You need a perm."

What?!

I fix my mouth to curse him out and he cuts me off. "It's really too much. You're trying too hard for attention. I like it though. But I still think you should perm it."

What?!

I cannot find my voice for some reason. Then he pulls my hair. Smiles. Is he flirting with me?

"What's your name, cutie?"

He is.

God help me but I find his asshole-ish-ness appealing. We chat about everything except the usual things people chat about when they first meet. He's totally random talking about glass bottom boats, the percentage of men in the United States who stand 6 feet or taller (14%) and perms. He orders our drinks ("you'll have what I'm having," he says). He hands me my glass of whatever and with a wink, he departs.

The rest of the night, every time he passes me, he makes a point to speak. He takes my near-empty glass and replaces it with a fresh drink. Another time, he pulls my hair again. Another time, he saddles up to my friends and introduces himself as my future ex-husband. He catches me on the dance floor doing my slightly-tipsy 2 step (normal for DC, odd for NYC) and he grabs my hand, and we dance. No bumping and grinding and backing it up, actual, real dancing. We were totally in sync. He knew my next move before I did. He's a GREAT dancer. I'm totally feeling his energy. Five dances and one almost-sticky shirt later, I scream, "Mister, who are you?!" and laugh with glee.

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"You Can't Start the Play in the Second Act"

I have a friend--strictly platonic these days--who calls on holidays and birthdays and other random occasions just to say hi. Somehow, a year passed without us chatting. Every time we talk, he finds a way to slip in a mention of this crazy night we shared far and long ago. The story is hilarious to us now, but at the time it happened, we thought it was the end of our then-budding friendship.

I talked to him the other day. He called to wish me a "Happy Birthday" and he told me I should go out and have fun. Instead of saying, "don't do anything I wouldn't do," he told me, "do all the things you've never done..." Pause. "Like the start the play in the second act." (Everyone from my long-term inner circle just busted out laughing and thought 'she is not about to tell this story.')

During the seven months of my discontent back in 2002 (my Dark Period), I went to a club in DC called Dream (now Love) every Friday night. Dream was a four-story super club that held about 5000 people and at the time, it was newly opened and the poshest place in DC if you were young and/or fabulous or aspiring to be such. Faithfully, my best friend Ace and I showed up every Friday around 7pm for happy hour. We usually two-stepped until midnight and were safely and soberly tucked in our beds back in MD somewhere around 1am.

One of those Friday nights, I met a boy. He was... beautiful. There's really no other way to describe him. No, scratch that. He was... of such beauty that he appeared to be hand crafted by God Herself. That's more accurate.

I spot him in the crowd and he's headed in my direction, but not headed toward me. He's sees me. I smile. He smiles back. I bite my bottom lip and look away. But then something feisty in me kicks in. This is no time to be a coy southern belle. This man was not going to pass without me knowing who he was. He needed to be spoken to. I make eye contact again, point to him, crook my finger and yell loud enough for him to hear me over the bassline of some B-more club song, "YOU, COME HERE!"

He happily and promptly obliges. I introduce myself cheerfully, tell him he is the cutest thing ever. I ruffle his vast mane of hair with my fingers. As we chat briefly, I'm beaming. So is he. He's got great energy. From that Friday on, we see each other at the club for the rest of the summer. He would see me, give me a hug, buy me a drank. His boys would see me and my girl, and they'd come up to tell me what floor he was on so we could find each other (this was before the days of rampant texting.) Or they'd bring him over to me and we'd just sorta stare at each other smiling like idiots going, "Hey." Pause. "Hey." Blush. "Hey." Giggle. "Hey." I was head over heels for this dude, but I didn't even remember his name.

So three months of these Friday interludes go by. In these passing convos, I piece together that he's a senior at a local university, he's from the ur-e-ah (DC speak for "area") and he's a year younger than me. I'm sure more details were exchanged, but I was usually tipsy during our interactions. Damn Bone Crushers. (What is in those things?) I knew the most important facts: he's cool as hell and he has great energy.

One Thursday afternoon, I get a call offering me a job in NYC. It's far from my dream job, but it's in New York, where I desperately want to be (that I was not there was the source of my seven month depression.) Of course, I take it. I have to move in three weeks, and two of the weeks I've arranged for an overseas vacation.

My summer of Friday-night partying at Dream comes to an abrupt halt as the next night will be my last at the club for the foreseeable future. In honor of my departure, Ace and I decide we will party the night away. We'll arrive when the doors open and enjoy the buffet, dance until we sweat through our dresses and not leave till the lights come on at which point we'll slip on flip flops to walk to the parking lot. It's the only proper way to say goodbye.

It's my last night at the club and dude finally asks for my number, tells me he'd like to call me sometime. But summer is almost over and so is my stay in DC. I don’t do well in long distance relationships. And I already know I don’t want to be just Dude’s friend. With a deep sigh, I ask him, "Dude, why'd you wait so long? I'm moving."

"Moving?" He looks stunned. "What do you mean moving?"

"I'm leaving. I'm going to NY." And then I explain how I have this two week-trek coming up and that night is my last in DC for a long time. (The following morning, I boarded a train to NYC to find an apartment in two days.) "Dude, I'm out," I say.

He asks for my number anyway. I ask him back, "What's the point?"...

 

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"Who are they? Actually, they're strippers."

Whenever I need to really chill, I leave Brooklyn and go back home to Maryland. It's difficult to sleep with the sounds of crickets instead of sirens at night and even more difficult to sleep-in with those suburban birds chirping all in those trees everywhere and what not. Truthfully, I'll take the sound of horns and the morning garbage trucks any day, at least I can sleep though those sounds… but I digress. The Old County, as I affectionately call Maryland, allows me to get away from the ever-constant hustle that is life in NYC. Everything is just really slow. The last time I was home, sometime around Thanksgiving, my best friend and I had a girl's night out at Jasper's, a local bistro (if you can call it that) with excellent crab cakes, fat, beer battered fries, and Bone Crushers, a local alcoholic beverage of which I have never figured out the contents, but order everytime I go there.

The goal was to have a chill night. Keep it local, have a couple drinks, some dinner and head on home before 2. But nothing is every simple when I roll with Ace.

We get to the bar and spot a pair of attractive, well-structured men drinking close by. At first, they look, but don’t speak to us. They are clearly on the hunt, scoping every woman that walks by. At some point in the night, after Bone Crusher One but before the end of Two, one of them eavesdrops on our conversation. So I've been told by more than one listening intruder, Ace and I's chat tend to TV-ready banter at its finest--especially after the first Bone Crusher.

The twosome engages us in playful banter. We tease them about the number of women who have been stopping by to say hello. One of them chuckles and says with no trace of humility, “Oh? You don’t know who we are?”

I screw up my face in the classic WTF? look. Ya'll already know I can't stand a man with an ego.

“Uh, naw, dude," Ace says, humoring the conversation. "Who might you be?”

Another chuckle and a shared glance between them. “Nobody at all.”

I'm completely turned off by these dudes now. So is Ace. We’re now giving them our best f**k-off’ aura, showing a clear disinterest and only speaking to each other. They don’t get it. (If you know me, you've heard my thoughts about men loving mean or disinterested women.) Now, they want to talk. Just great.

So they start talking and we're eating, half-heartedly paying attention. But eventually we start listening intently because with only two Heinekens each in their systems and me only half-heartedly using any journalism skills, this is what a pair of quite beautiful, six foot, two hundred pound black men made of sculpted muscle shared with us:

Who are they? Actually, they’re strippers. But don’t call them that. They like to be called entertainers. Oh, and they’re not dancers. Their “show” is more than dancing. They work 10 minutes a day, 7 days a week (one takes Sundays off to go to church and be with his WIFE and children). They get butterball, birthday-suit naked on stage...

 

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A Moment of Clarity

Alicia is a good friend and a gorgeous woman. Beautiful. Good character. Total wifey type. I've always thought she was amazing--inside and out. We attended a black-tie hip-hop affair for Kanye West's 30th birthday recently and she was wearing a gold BCBG cocktail dress that accentuated the best of her curvy size 6 frame. Her make-up was perfection, highlighting her high cheekbones, tanned complexion and her radiant smile to their fullest potential. In short, she was glowing.

"Wow," I thought as she sauntered up the steps to the second floor of the Louis Vuitton store on 5th Avenue to meet me and Penelope. "She looks amazing! One of the most beautiful women in this room." And that's saying something too, because there was a good thousand+ people present. Some extraordinarily fine 6-foot creature told her she looked like a Senator's wife, like she belonged on the arm of presidential hopeful Barak Obama. (*sigh* What a line... And why didn't she get his number?)

Her SO (def: significant other, not really her man, not really not her man, not really her friend.) stopped by to greet her as we peered over a ledge watching John Legend perform. I gave a smug hello and paid little attention to him. I've always had mixed feelings about their relationship. The 30+man's been promising Alicia for years that he's working on being better for her and that he's taking his slow time making any sort of commitment because he's growing and it's a long process. Whatever the hell that means. He hung out for a quick two minutes, took some pics of us, then went to work the room. I was glad when he left.

 

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28 Years Later

July 9 is my 28th birthday. In the days leading up, I always take stock of where I am and where I want to be. To acknowledge the day in years past, I've written blogs about the things that every woman should know by whatever age I'm turning. This year, I've been inspired in a different direction. I was at church today and my pastor said this: "You may not be where you want to be, but thank God you are not where you were." That line got me to thinking about all the things that I've learned about relationships and men in the last 28 years. Lord knows I've encountered my share of BS, but I don't regret any of it. I've grown and learned from my mistakes. I still have a long way to go, but I thank God everyday that I am not where I was.

Most of the lessons I learned are very simple and very obvious but were very hard to get nonetheless. I made a list of (only) 28 of them. They are all things that I wish someone had told me or things someone told me that I didn't listen to. I know there are a whole lot more that I know and haven't written and plenty that I just don't know yet. Post your comments at the end and add what I left off.

If he doesn't call, he's not interested. Period.

Friends last longer than boyfriends.

It's impossible to fill a spiritual void with a physical act.

Men are insecure too.

If he says he's not ready for a relationship, believe him.

 

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F*ck Black Women

Let me preface this blog: Misogyny runs wild in American culture, period. So it's certainly not just so many of the brothas who are guilty of hating women in general, and black women in particular. But a so-called brotha is the inspiration for this blog and hence, ithis post only address Black men.

I know the title of the blog is inflammatory. But that's really want I want to say to a lot of Black men who date Black women, but don't really like Black women. And let me clear this up quick, just because a man likes to have sex with Black women, does not mean he actually likes Black women. There's a difference between liking to f*ck someone and actually like them. Pause. Read those last two sentences again. If you just now get the difference, I have just shaved reams of relationship drama from your life. Thank me someday.

My best male friend in the whole wide world, Tariq, sent me an exchange he had with one of his friends--a male– complaining about Black women's hair. The crux of the story went something like this: Black man raised by Black mother met a girl one night, asked her out another, but before she said yes to the date, she said she had something to tell him. He's thinking she's married, got a man, got a kid. That something was, "I was wearing a wig last night."

Instead of being relieved that's all it is, the man--who until recently has made it a point to only date women with one white parent because he prefers lighter skinned women with wash & wear hair-- the man is angry...

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On Turning 27...

I am a big birthday person. Skip Thanksgiving, just acknowledge Christmas with a phone call--or show up at the house if youre my S.O.--, take a shot of Patron with me for New Years, V-day only requires a text message. But my birthday?!

Its not just a day. It is an event! And got damn it, you better act like you know. I dont need gifts, but a bunch of undivided attention from my inner circle is required. Make a big deal over me. Go the extra mile. Allow me to inconvenience you for just one night. Indulge my ego for one day. Oh, and dont laugh at my tiara (yes, I wear one all day on my b-day) and most important: make sure if (when? LOL!) I dance on the table that youre there to catch me if I should stumble. Thats all I ask.

Is that too much?

In previous years, Ive anticipated my annual Big Day with giddiness, thinking only of the pure debauchery of the upcoming celebration. The count of the years creeping higher didnt faze me in the least. I made no New Years resolution-type list of goals to reach in the upcoming 12 months. My birthday has always been just another day on which a major party occurs and a lot of shots are consumed in my honor.

But this year, eh things are a little different. Ive found myself taking stock of lifewhere I am, where I thought I would be, where I want to be. Its not a milestone year, but Ive officially entered my late 20s. I feel funny still trying to claim girlhood and all the easily pardoned stumbles that being young allows for. I feel like I have to be a Woman now and Im not sure exactly what that means.

Recently, I was reading an old issue of Honey (from the great years when they had the original editors and publishers) and I came across an article entitled something like 30 things a woman should have/do/know by 30. If it was a graded T/F pop quiz, I would have passed barely. Ive never approached a man to ask for his phone number, much less insisted on getting the home number. I cant spot a flawless diamond and even dont know how theyre graded. I dont know how to cook a grand meal and I would butcher any attempt to recreate one of my mamas dishes. I have no clue how to change a flat tire or insert a female condom.

However, I have traveled internationally (just got back from my third trip to London earlier today, in fact.) I moved twice into my own apartment without borrowing money to do so. Ive read the black female literary cannon. And Ive had a (actually several) mind-blowing orgasm(s) without anyone elses assistance. Ha!

There were a couple other notes on the list that I checked off (performing a breast exam, getting out of debt, fixing my credit), some others that I would like to accomplish sooner than later (praying regularly, actually asking for a promotion instead of avoiding the conversation and quitting for a better job and more money, purchasing a classic power suit from Barneys).

While I also get to accomplishing what I havent already on that Honey list, I figure with my birthday rapidly approaching and my self-defined entry into official womanhood, Id make my own late 20s checklist of what I think women should have/do/know.

A woman should (in no particular order):

Use her woman/from-the-diaphragm voice even when she can get her way easier/faster with the squeak (theres a blog coming on that one soon.)

Get an HIV test

Accept that it is ridiculous to tie her worth and daily self-confidence to a number on a scale. Accept that a size 4 or 6 or any size is not worth starving for.

Get a job she loves or at least likes instead of one that inspires little, but pays the bills

Finish whatever it is she started (for me, its the book Ive been on-and-off writing for 3 years.)

Own good lingerie. (Its not just for him. Its for you too!)

Dance on a table; dance like no-ones watching even if its off beat

Stop drinking beyond her limit and officially put the hangover weekend behind her; Drink brand liquor. House brand is guaranteed hangover

Give back. Volunteer; donate time and/or energy to a cause.

Quit experimenting with hair color at home. Professionals are better at dyeing hair than fixing botched dye jobs (add to that, only dyeing her hair colors that reasonably can occur in nature.)

Not lie about her age or anything else. If youre grown enough to do it, be grown enough to own it.

Own a sex toy and know how to give herself an orgasm in under 5 minutes

Buy a cherished piece of jewelry for herself

Let a man who wants to go, leave; walk away from a relationship as soon as you know its not going to work

Become a proud feminist (there is nothing wrong with wanting equality)

Use condoms 100f the time (birth control only means youve decreased your odds of getting preggers. Its still quite possible and it does nada to prevent STDs/HIV.)

Forgive herself for having an abortion

Have her pictures framed. No more thumbtacks or tape to hold up her pictures

Contribute to her 401K; Invest in something; Save at least 10ør the future

Know how to instruct a man to please her physically; tell a man when she has not been satisfied by him

Establish a strictly platonic relationship with a man

Understand that No. is a complete sentence and that it is okay to say it as often as you feel necessary

Take a solo vacation; eat, got to the movies, a concert alone; understand that alone does not mean lonely

Make an important decision without consulting anyone or asking their advice

Know NOT to follow a man to another city without a ring!

Handle being broken up with in a dignified manner (break up does not mean break down)

Own a full length mirror; Buy clothes that fit in the size that she is, not the size she hopes to become someday

Giving to Get: A Revolutionary Concept

I’ve been accused of being hard spirited and hard on men too. Maybe I am. I have expectations of decency and behavior that I think the man in my life should meet. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I want a man who takes out the trash and fixes what’s broken in the house and assumes responsibility for moving all heavy objects and killing insects and investigates bumps in the night as much as a man wants a woman who cooks and cleans and washes clothes and decorates. I’m not sure how reasonable my expectations are these days, but we all have certain wants and desires. It’s human. The question is: ‘what are we doing to get those wants, desires and expectations met?’

I think not much...

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A Tale of Crash & Burn: Burn

Part III’s been a longtime coming and I think I know why. Reading all the signs he showed me about his asshole-ry, I’m a little embarrassed that I let it go on for so long. In hindsight– which is always 20/20, somewhere around the post-midnight ride to the train on our second date, I should’ve stopped taking his calls. Only because I promised the whole story, will I share it with ya’ll. Hopefully you’ll see the signs of fuckery in my story and if you ever encounter this type of dude, you’ll dead it sooner than I did.

The story:

He asked me how else I wore my hair. I didn’t know what he was getting at, but I told him anyway. The gist of it is, it’s either out, in a high poof, held back with a head band.

“How long is it when it’s straight?” he asks.

“I don’t straighten it,” I tell him. “It’s a matter of principle.”

He looks not pleased. “Never?”

I tell him I did it 3 months ago for the first time in a few years. I don’t plan to do it ever again. The fear of water in all its forms terrorized me for 10 days. That, and no one–even close friends– recognized me and I look better with fluffy hair.

He takes that all in, nods, and tells me, “You know why you get away with your hair like that?” He doesn’t wait for the an answer. “It’s cause you have a pretty face.”

I think he meant that as a compliment. I was offended. I glance at the clock, which reads almost One, and pushed his legs off my lap. “It’s time for me to go,” I announce, reaching for my Louis.

 

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Another Woman's Trash

I was at T-Pain's album release party at PM with Penelope and a friend of hers, Giselle. I'd hung out with Giselle a few times and she was cool as hell. We had a lot in common, including the same taste in men, it would turn out.

We were at the bar when a gorgeous stranger ran up on Giselle and hugged her. He was fine. Crazy, dumb fine.

Bootyful was introduced to Penelope and I. He said "hello" casually, chatted briefly with Giselle (I didn't pick up relationship vibes from him), then returned to whatever Heaven-sent place he'd come from. As soon as he left, I couldn't help myself from asking her, "Who was that?"

"Just some guy I used to get down with."

"An ex?"

"Oh, hell no, girl. Just a little jump off from a couple years ago."

 

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A Tale of Crash & Burn: Lift Off

Part I- Lift Off I met a guy--a cute guy--at a Stevie Wonder party. It's a once a year shindig in New York where everyone who's anyone and loves Stevie gets together in a massive warehouse to dance for hours. Every person--male and female– I've ever met at one of these parties has been a great individual. So I meet this guy and we chat. He's got great conversation, only one dimple and a smile just made for dropping panties--and he seems to be wholly unaware of this. His laughter makes me laugh. All good signs.

So we exchange numbers. Our first conversation lasts an hour. We text compulsively. A week or so later our schedules finally calm enough for us to make a lunch date. I realize I'm nervous. Really nervous. This is very very good and very very bad too. It's been years since I've liked anyone other than Mr. Ex. He made me goo goobs of nervous and no one has affected me the same way since--until now. I don't like this feeling. I like to be in control. I debate canceling the date until Penelope, my NY bestest, talks me out of it.

I go on the date. I order salad and can't finish my food because I am just that jittery. I realize that Mr. Great Conversation has the longest eyelashes I've ever seen on a man. They make his eyes beautiful. I could stare at him all day. I sigh outloud and I can feel my face burning. I am blushing. My normally deep-for-a-woman voice is girlish and light. I twirl my hair over dessert. I've got it bad. He asks me a question about my last relationship and it catches me off-guard. I spill half a glass of water down the front of my sweater. (Told you I was nervous.) I am beyond embarrassed. All I can think is: "He is never going to call now." I am being such a girl.

He calls the next day from work. We schedule to meet again on date night (Friday.) We go to my favorite restaurant. It's outdoors, under a tent, candlelit. As we sip our drinks, rain begins to fall, the tap, tap, tap of the water hitting the tent just right. It was like a scene straight out of love jones. I debate inviting him to my house after "just to talk" if only to play out the fairytale romance of it all.

He asks me what my sexual fetishes are. It catches me off guard. I realize that this is only Date 2 and here he is asking me about sex (bad sign), but there is no way I'm ruining the oh-so-romantic moment with my sometimes prudish, Southern Belle tendencies. That and I was halfway through my second coconut martini. Oh, and even though it's just the second date, I have already decided that if this man doesn't say anything stupid, that I will envelop him someday. Likely sooner than later.

"I got this thing for..." I laugh 'cause I can't believe I'm about to confess this to a virtual stranger. "Like chains.... But like necklaces on men," I add quickly. "Not kinky, bondage, tie-me-up type chains."

He sips his wine, studies me, and leans back in his chair (you know that sexy man- sprawl they do). "What is it about chains?" he asks, eye-ing me now, smirking as he waits for my answer. “Sometimes I like to bite em.... Sometimes I like to pull em... It keeps the man close. That's sexy to me."

 

He smirks. "You have control issues." A statement not a question. I freely admit to him that I do. "But you like to be manhandled too, huh?"

He’s got this habit of catching me off guard. Instead of spilling my drink, I laugh until I am near-tears. I avoid answering the question and he does’t press the issue. He hands me a napkin and just when I think he is going to switch the subject, he tells me he already knows the answer.

He asks for the check, pays the bill. He– a driver– asks how I am getting home. I tell him I'll take the subway. He notes that it's after midnight.

And it all goes downhill from here.

Get Over Mr. Ex

I was beyond drunk one night long ago. It was my unofficial Get the F*ck Over Mr. Ex party. There are pictures to prove I did what I did and the stories of what I said (and did) are starting to filter in slowly from friends. I didn't dance on any tables. All things considered, I think I was pretty well-behaved.

Anyway, I invited a very attractive man  to party with me that night. If all had gone according to my week long, shit-talking plan, he would have been my "gift" for the night. The plan was to gauge Cutie's interest, and if he was indeed interested, invite him over to the house to celebrate finally getting over my ex. I'd ask him to bring a bottle of wine and we'd watch a late night movie... "or something." LOL!

Cutie shows up looking just as delicious as I remember...

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Shallow Sh*t

I recently had a conversation with a man who told me he was a great catch. He ran off his stats like he was up for a MVP award: 6 feet, employed, no kids, well built and... something else that is pretty inconsequential. He believes these attributes entitle him to be extra- picky in the women he chooses to "wife up." And he only wifes women of a certain height (tall), a certain complexion (light), a certain hairstyle (long, straight, real). Can’t remember everything else he was looking for, but as he rattled off his long, over-detailed list, all I could think is: This is some shallow sh*t...

 

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The N*gger Experience

I finally heard a white person say nigger. I say finally because as a Black person, it's one of those things that you know is going to happen, but you're always a little thrown off when it does. But surprisingly, I guess, I wasn't angry or really all that upset. I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole thing.Here's what happened:

I'm wrapping up dinner and it's me and boy left at the table. There's a loud group of white folk –some with British accents, I think. About 12 of them. The wine and sangria are flowing. They've been there for about an hour so they are feeling good. And then I hear it.

NIGGER!

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Assholes Don't Die. They Multiply

 

I met a guy I liked. He was digging me—or at least I think he was, but I figure (pure speculation) out he's not looking for a "wifey," which he thinks I am. (For better or worse, most men who meet me think this. I'm emitting something evidently.) Either or he's not feeling me. Anyway, I take all of that to mean he's just not that into me. Okay. No love lost. So I end up at the same venue as him one weekend. He sees me, comes by, chats me up… then flirts?

Him: "Are you dancing tonight?"

Me: "I'm drinking. I might." [Sip. Sip.]

Him: "If you're dancing, I'll dance with you."

Me: "Ummm… Nah, I'm good." [Sip.]

I brush him off—not to be mean, but to respect the parameters he's defined. You're not interested, dude, why are you flirting? Why the mixed signals?

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