Ask Demetria: The Mother of His Child Wants to Come to Our Wedding

Dear Demetria:

I’m getting married later this year. My fiance’s son is in the wedding and reception, and his mother wants to come to the reception. I said "yes" to the wedding, but she and I aren’t friends. No hard feelings toward her, I just don’t want her at my reception. My fiance said it’s not a big deal. How to handle this? —Anonymous

There’s no “right” answer here. I’ve thought about it a lot, and even I can’t settle on one. Let me present you with some ideas to consider that may help you make a final decision.

First, I don’t get why the ex would want to come to the wedding. It’s not for the kid, no matter how old he is. His father is present, and since it’s a wedding where his father is the groom, there likely will be grandparents, aunts and uncles and maybe even godparents present—i.e., plenty of family and “like family” people to watch over the child. So safety isn’t a valid concern, and surely the child has been alone with his father before.

Maybe this is some sort of closure for her? If she still has feelings for her ex, it could be like when a casket is closed at the funeral. Maybe there’s another way of looking at this. She may be over her child’s father, and her asking to attend the wedding is her way of showing support for the union—and for you, as the soon-to-be stepmother of her child. Not all exes sit around pining for what was.

The ex has been bold enough to ask for an invite, which is supremely bad etiquette. So you should be bold enough to ask her why she wants to come. Don’t be rude, but do be curious. It is a valid question.

Speaking of etiquette, it’s also rude to extend an invite to the wedding but not the reception. “If you invite someone to your wedding, they should be a part of the entire event,” says Lauren Beamon of Elle’s Couture Events (who was also my wedding planner). “Inviting someone to just the ceremony and not the entire wedding is like asking someone to come to a dinner party but telling them they can’t have dinner.”

But beyond the rudeness—and maybe you don’t mind being such on your wedding day—the ceremony is actually the sacred part of the wedding events. The reception is a celebration. You don’t know why your fiance’s ex wants to attend (which is why you should ask, to judge her motives), but on the off chance that she has some ill intentions, what you really don’t want is someone with bad energy sitting there and sending bad juju while she witnesses your vows—or, better yet, objecting to them when the minister asks.

Maybe you’re concerned about paying for her plate at the reception, or just unwilling to do so on general principle. Maybe you just don’t want her there because she’s an ex. I get that, especially the latter reason. But if you’re going to invite her to any part of the festivities, opt for the reception over the ceremony. The ceremony is really the part you need to have go off without a hitch.

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Humans Suck: Some People Bashed Solange Knowles's Wedding Day Hair

Ugh. Because some humans are absolutely awful.

Yesterday, the Huffington Post ran an article, "Solange's Bridal Afro Upsets Beauty Standards" on the backlash about Solange Knowles's choice to wear he hair the way she always wears it and the way it grown from her head, on her wedding day. Apparently, this was bad. Writer Kadia Blagrove compiled a series of screen shots from commenters who called Knowles hair "ugly", "horrific",  and  "scary". And before you assume "white girls don't get it", half of those unfavorable comments were from  Black women.

I knew this was coming.

I recall when Wendy Williams knocked Viola Davis's natural hair on the red carpet for the Oscar's as not being "glamorous" or "formal" enough, and how enraged I was. Apparently, natural is tolerable for day-to-day, but when it comes to a Moment-- capital M--we're supposed to break out the pressing combs and flat irons like 80s kids on Easter Sunday.

Meh.

I was SO PROUD to see Solange rock her beautiful big hair at her wedding. SO SO PROUD!! She looked beautiful, iconic. Just lovely. A walking statement of beauty and confidence.

The textured hair we were given, the CROWNS that we have been graciously bestowed with, is acceptable for any and every occasion. My (unofficial) motto is," the bigger the occasion,  the bigger the hair!" I never considered straightening my hair or flipping a straight weave, or even rocking a kinky one for my wedding day. I wanted my big, frizzy, kinky, curly, coily (because it's all of those things) hair to be my halo (and I needed something fancy going on up there because I  don't  do veils.)

People are mean. And stupid.

If you're a naturalista, would/did you straighten for your wedding day?

The Root: 5 Reasons We All Fawned Over Solange's Wedding Photos

 

Last week was hard for black women. Kim Kardashian’s bare ass—and all the white privilege it represents—was everywhere you scrolled, an unintentional attempt to fulfill the directive on the cover of Paper magazine: Break the Internet.

Whether you thought her flaunting her big bottom was exceptionally vulgar or artistic homage, you knew that whatever it was, you couldn’t get away with it. Black girls get scolded and shamed for flaunting their bodies. Kardashian does it and literally gets put on a pedestal (she’s standing on one on the Paper cover).

We needed a pick-me-up. Something with some class, some creativity we could get behind. We didn’t need a reminder that black is beautiful (and not just when the attributes show up dipped in white), so much as we just needed an immediate counterexample to Kardashian’s ass-out imagery. I mean, there has to be some balance.

Come through, Mrs. Solange Knowles-Ferguson. The quirky fashionista, singer and songwriter has always marched to a very different beat from her pop-star sister and everyone else, too. And her wedding day was a reflection of that, just as everyone expected, once the blogs broke the news that the younger Knowles would marry over the weekend. We were all expecting something unique. But Solange and her new husband, videographer Alan Ferguson, took their celebration to epic status.

Here are the top five reasons social media is swooning, fawning and “Yaaassssing!” over Solange’swedding photos.

1. Solange looked amazing.

From her fluffed-out ‘fro on her big day (yes, big hair is special-occasion hair) to her array of caped cream one-pieces, including a to-die-for Stephane Rolland jumpsuit, Solange served up hippie goddess and superhero chic with futuristic flair. She showed enough curves to let you know she was a woman, and covered enough for you to know she was a lady, too.

2. Everyone looked amazing.

If you’ve ever been to a white party, you know that folks can get that dress code mandate very right—and very wrong, too. Also, someone always goes rogue on the color restrictions. Solange’s guests came through fierce, on theme—and covered. (In the group picture that features 12 women, there are just two sets of knees exposed.)

“Black people in white look like little black angels,” The Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Phaedra Parks once observed. And you know what? She was right. Some sort of award should go to Tina Knowles, who stunned as the mother of the bride with a plunging neckline and svelte waistline. And there should be an honorable mention for Jay Z, the dutiful brother-in-law, whose perfectly tailored cream suit looked straight off the cover of GQ.

3. Black love abounds (at every age).

The Knowles women exemplified black love on Solange’s big day. Of course there were the newlyweds, Solange and Alan (he looks a full two decades younger than his actual age, 51, and looked “crazy in love”). Big sis Beyoncé was escorted by her family: husband Jay Z and their adorable fluffy-haired mini, Blue Ivy, who was pictured on her mother’s hip as the family exited the church. Mama Knowles was accompanied by her very fine, gray-bearded beau, actor Richard Lawson, whose hat she held in multiple pictures.

4. She did it her way.

It’s clear that Solange didn’t follow the rules, and the results were amazing. From Solange and husband-to-be riding a bike to the ceremony, to her wedding pants; unconventional group wedding photos, taken by Rog Walker (and seemingly inspired by Italian artist Vanessa Beecroft); and regal, floor-length, cream Kenzo wedding gown with two simple gold Lady Grey cuffs, Solange went totally left, and it came out right.

5. It gave us all a little hope.

You can hardly scroll through an essay on relationships or black women without stumbling across a stat about how we never marry, or a line bashing single moms. But here is Solange, a divorced mom of one, finding love—and locking it down—a second time around, and with a husband who gazes at her adoringly. Then there’s rapper Jay Z, once the poster boy for black bachelors, lovingly carting around his daughter in his arms with his wife by his side. People grow up. It’s beautiful to bear witness ... sort of. (Instagram counts.)

Read the full story: here 

Ask Demetria: I Want to Skip My BFF's Wedding!

My BFF is engaged and so happy. Her fiance is a thug, cheater and liar. I don't support ratchet, so I hadn’t planned to attend the wedding. I was just going to claim work responsibilities. Now BFF wants me as bridesmaid and for me to pay for my dress. How can I tell her that I will not be attending and won't be a bridesmaid? —Anonymous

You don’t tell her that. You buy the dress and you be a bridesmaid.

I skipped my best friend’s wedding when we were 22 because I didn’t approve of her mate. Really, I didn’t approve of her getting married. Like your friend, she had asked me to be a bridesmaid.

There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with being a bridesmaid, and she was incredibly happy. But there was something going on with her, and she was, in my opinion, in no position to get married. She was coming off a particularly eye-opening experience she had as an adult, and she was still reeling. And by reeling I mean she made one bad decision after another, each progressively worse. Her marriage was her first time any of the decisions would be life-altering.

That was part of it. The other part was I’d known her since she was 12, and getting married at 22 was not the plan. She was supposed to graduate and move to New York. And then she was 22. “Who gets married at 22?!” I thought. None of our friends nor I knew the guy. She didn’t know him. They dated for only three months before they got engaged. There were a lot of reasons, I thought, for her not to get married.

I asked her if I could speak freely, and she said I could. So I said all that, and she thanked me for my opinion and said she was getting married anyway. So I started badgering her about it to the point that I even annoyed myself. Then we got into a huge argument about me badgering her, and I declared I wasn’t going to her wedding because I wasn't supporting bad decisions.

The result was she got married anyway, and for two years we didn’t speak. Her kid was born, and I didn’t meet her oldest child until his first birthday and missed out on being his godmother. We’ve long since “mended” our relationship, at least to the point that we talk, mostly on Facebook.

I still haven’t met her second kid, and one morning this year, I woke up to a 1,000-word, out-of-the-blue email telling me more than a decade later how much I had hurt her by not coming to her wedding. “If you didn’t want to support us,” she wrote, referring to herself and her now ex-husband, “then you should have come to support me.” I ruined a great friendship from my high horse. A decade later, I am still mending it. Missing her wedding was not worth it.

Read here