Ask Demetria: My BFF Isn't Happy for My Pregnancy

Dear Demetria:

My best friend and I were living together when I met my boyfriend. When I became pregnant, he started to stay over every night because I got off work late and he was concerned for my safety. She started to become very distant and eventually moved out.

After she left, she called to say that we should split the remaining bills three ways because my boyfriend was always there while I was at work. Needless to say, I told her I wasn’t interested in being friends anymore. I also felt like she wasn’t happy for me to have a baby, which always pissed me off. Am I wrong? —Anonymous

Yes, you are wrong, entirely and unequivocally. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are so excited about, focused on and consumed with this pending baby that you’ve become distracted and dropped the ball.

Take a step back for a moment and consider this scenario from your best friend’s perspective. She and her bestie moved in together with hopes of having a fun bachelorette pad. You get a boyfriend soon thereafter, which isn’t a bad thing, and then you became pregnant. Life happens. But she signed on for two adults to live together. Not you and your man and a crying newborn.

Having a boyfriend is fine. But having him there “every night”? Not so much. Every time she wanted to run from the bedroom to the kitchen or the bedroom to the bathroom, she had to throw on some pants or a robe, lest she flash her goods to your man. It meant that when she came home from work, she couldn’t just chill out, braless, in front of the TV to enjoy Scandal. It meant that she had to turn up the stereo to drown out the sound of you and your man getting it on. It meant that she couldn’t ever just be comfortable in her own home anymore, unless she was secluded in her room. That’s no way to live.

If your man was at the house “every night” and, if she is to be believed, was also there while you were at work—did you give him a key?—that means he lived there. You moved him in as the third roommate without discussing it with your roommate. If you wanted to cover his bills, so be it. But you had your friend picking up your man’s financial slack. And you started a family while you were living down the hall and said nothing to her about it. That’s why she was distant. The baby didn’t have anything to do with it.

Now, about your boyfriend. I’m concerned about your situation.

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Ask Demetria: My BF Tells His Best Friend Too Much!

“My boyfriend has a woman friend who knows every move we make. They talk constantly, and she knows everything he does before I get an update. They grew up together and are super close. Is this just friends being friends or suspect?” —B.A.

I can’t give you a definitive answer based on the information given. I do know that when you’re in a relationship, things go much more smoothly if your partner gets first dibs on major information. Thinking of quitting a job? Tell your partner first. Earned a promotion? Partner first. Starting a new business? Partner first. If you can’t get first dibs on information about your partner on a consistent basis, are you really a partner?

In the best-case scenario, he hasn’t adjusted to being in a relationship, or he’s unaware of some of the basics that come with the “boyfriend” title. The most glaring is that you don’t speak all your business, especially about your relationship, to other people. Another is that your partner gets major news before any of your friends of any gender.

Let’s hope for the best here and have a conversation about the amount of time spent with his female friend and the boundaries that he’s crossing by telling your relationship business to her. That she feels comfortable telling you what she knows first makes it seem like there are three people in the relationship, and that makes you uncomfortable, too. Ask him to set boundaries on the information he shares and pull back on the time he spends talking to her or with her. This is a reasonable request of a person in a relationship.

In the worst-case scenario, this reminds me of the old Biz Markie song “Just a Friend,” in which there’s a whole lot more to the story, and it doesn’t end well for you.

Let me preface what I’m about to say with this: I do believe that men and women can be platonic friends, but sometimes there is more to a so-called friendship than what meets the clichéd eye.

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AskFM UPDATE: The Complete Gala Girl Saga

Earlier this week, a woman wrote into Ask. FM with this: “I had huge fight with my boyfriend over the phone and told him I wouldn’t go to his annual work gala that night. After I said it, I regretted it and felt bad so I made steps to make things right. I got dressed for the event and finally went to his place. I get there, and his female friend, who always smiles and chats with me like she is my friend, is with him all dolled up. I tell him, ‘I’m sorry, and I’m ready to go.’ He says he would rather take her since she is reliable. She didn’t even offer to stay.

“This is his big work gala. Why take just any woman? It means something. Pictures of the event are on social media. My man is posing with some lady for the world to see. I am humiliated and mad at both of them. What should I do?”

My answer (read the full version here):

You got what you deserved. You acted like a brat by pulling out of an event at the last minute because you were mad, and you wanted to ruin your boyfriend’s night. You knew what a big deal this event was and that people who matter to you would see those pictures, and yet you canceled anyway. Your concern about how important the event is feels hollow after you discarded it like it was nothing to you.

Pulling out of an event on the day of is bad enough. It’s worse that it was a work event. One of the core rules for operating in a healthy relationship is “do not embarrass your partner on the job,” which you attempted to do. That’s a big violation.

I’m not surprised he chose to go with her. When you changed your mind, you didn’t even call him to apologize and discuss. You assumed that he would be at the house in a panic, and you expected to whisk in and save the day after you'd attempted to ruin it. You were caught off-guard when you discovered he had made other plans that showed you were replaceable.

You created a bad situation, and he made the best possible moves under the circumstances.

Some readers thought I was hard on the woman we quickly named "gala girl".

One commented, "For all we know she had a really legit reason to be pissed and bail but has such a good heart and decided at the last minute she would forgive and go. It's too unclear."

Other readers wren't buying that theory. They thought that if she had a legit reason to pull out, she would have said so.

A few more folks raised their eyebrows about the swiftness in which the girlfriend was replaced. "Her boyfriend just happened to have someone ready to go that fast?" one reader asked. "What a coincidence." You could practiclaly hear the 'hmmmm" after her statement.

I figured we'd never really know what happened... until the "female friend" in the story wrote in to give her side of the story:

"Small world. A friend sent me your IG link... Dude is a good friend to my man and I. He has a new job this year and works ridiculous hours to impress, hence the fights. He was stressed about the gala because his big boss would be there. When his GF cancelled, he told my man and I that he was ready to hire an escort.

I offered to go with him and my man said "okay" as long as I made it up to him :-) All in good spirits.

I know my friend's girl. We double date sometimes. I didn't offer to stay when she showed up becase her man carried furniture for me when I moved and picked me up from the airport at 2 AM. He also introduced me to my wonderful man. I was only going to help him out. I feel her though.

Sounds like the friend is really a friend, especially the way she mentioned her man over and over and over(LOL) to make it clear there was nothing inappropriate going on. That the female friend was in a relationship was a detail I wished the gilfriend would have mentioned  And it sounds like ol' boy was more stressed for a date more than anyone could have guessed. An escort?! The female bestie was definitely a better option than that.

So the story is done now, right? Not quite.

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