I had no clue—none—where OITNB’s storyline with Morello was going. I only knew it wouldn’t be good after the way she flipped out on the phone when her sister told her Christopher was getting married and moving near Litchfield. But where it went? My God.
I had to stop and rewind this episode like it was an old school tape and I just heard a hot verse.
I’m sorry. Morello only went on one date with Christopher?! I’ve sat through one and a half seasons of her talking about her fiancé and their wedding. Just last episode when the career counselor asked Morello what she wanted to do with her life, her only plan was to have babies with Christopher. And all he is some guy she bumped into at the post office and had coffee with?!
Rewind!
Morello was devastated after her sister’s update, but seems back to her old self when she’s charged with driving Rosa and a CO to Rosa’s weekly chemo treatment. How this works is a guard escorts Rosa inside the hospital and Morello sits alone in the prison van reading magazines and listening to the radio for three hours. Given what we’re about to learn about Morello’s back story here, I can’t believe anybody signed off on this job assignment.
Speaking of her back story: Lorna Morello’s is a stereotypical Jersey girl, who escapes the madness of her big, loud family by watching Twilight repeatedly and locking herself in her child-like bedroom. Her vice? She has expensive taste and runs Internet scams to get free clothes and accessories.
One day, she’s in the post office running her mail scam when she meets he dream guy, Christopher, who invites her for coffee. He’s the type who tells her she looks like Audrey Hepburn and takes her to Atlantic City to ride in sailboats and on ferris wheels. OK, if that's what you're into.
Morello is waiting for Rosa and the CO when she gets all in her feelings thinking about how Christopher's moving on and she gets the bright idea to drive off in the prison van to see him again.
Ma’am?!
I knew something was off when she goes up to Christopher’s house and turns the knob instead of, you know, ringing the doorbell like someone sane would do. Then she breaks into the house by smashing a glass door.
Christopher’s wedding has clearly pushed Morello over the edge. She wanders around the house until she finds the bedroom and puts on the fiancee’s veil and then slips into the bathtub where she falls asleep. When Christopher comes home, she jumps out the window and speeds off in the prison van, making it back to the hospital to pick up Rosa and the prison guard on-time and neither are the wiser.
Morello’s not only crazy… but she been crazy. She’s not in prison for mail fraud or Internet scams, but something like stalking and attempted murder. After that one coffee date, Christopher made it clear that he wasn’t interested in taking things further. Morello “relentlessly” contacted him, even showing up at his house. He changed his email address, his phone number, and moved twice to avoid her. When he began dating his now-fiancee, Morello threatened to strangle her and then left a homemade explosive under the girlfriend’s car.
I’m sorry… what?
We’ve spent one and half seasons thinking Suzanne aka “Crazy Eyes” is the well, crazy one in Litchfield. Moreno’s got her beat by a long shot. But here’s my question: why is she--- and for that matter Suzanne—in prison when what they really need is mental help? Morello made up an entire relationship in her head that she believed and still does believe to be real. At the end of the episode, she tells Yoga Jones that she’s decided not to wear a veil to her never-ever-was-it-planned-or-will-it-happen wedding because she wants Christopher to see her face.
Um.. ok.
Other thoughts:
*There’s a raging debate among the Black ladies of Litchfield over how many holes a woman’s vagina has— one or two. Poussey insists there’s a separate hole for urine and sex. Taystee and Black Cindy say it’s all the same hole for sex and making water. Sophia, the trans woman who had to build her own vagina, settles the argument and offers Taystee a mirror to see for herself. Poussey was right— sort of. She thought the urethra was inside the “big ol’ hole” somehow. Sigh. It was a hilarious exchange, and I wonder how many viewers broke out mirrors to see what was 'down there'.
*Piper annoys me to no end sometimes, but she was hilarious walking around the prison repo-ing her books and thangs. I hated her again when she tried to pimp Brook, the new girl, for a blanket. I know Brook's annoying, but really? A blanket?
*I had no clue Poussey had a crush on Taystee. I figured Poussey was into girls, but I thought they were genuine friends, like sisters sorta. Was that a leap for anyone else?
*This Polly and Larry “friendship” doesn’t end well. An older couple assumed they were an “attractive family” and neither of them corrected the old lady to explain that they have a mutual friend, but played along with the story. Really? When Polly fell asleep on Larry’s shoulder I knew exactly where this plot was headed. This is bad. Joe Jackson.
What did you think of Episode 4?