Dear Demetria:
A man I’m seeing for just a few weeks told me to “just pick me” when I was talking about the difficulty of dating for educated black women. I’m confused because the fact that I was talking to him means I want him to pick me. I’m not sure what else I need to do to let him know I’m interested. Help! —Anonymous
Huh? There’s so much wrong with this story.
Your dating life doesn’t sound like the negative stereotype that you’re complaining about. You’ve been dating a guy for several weeks. You’re talking to that man, on the phone, in person, wherever, and he just told you that he wants you to choose him. Isn’t this absolutely the ideal dating life for any woman of any color, educated or not? I think it is. But you’re so busy harping on unfavorable statistics about educated black women and dating that you completely overlooked the clearly interested man on the other end of the phone or in front of your face who is trying to get your attention. C’mon, hon!
And he’s not just interested; he’s really, like, super interested. How can I tell? You’re having all manner of inappropriate conversations with this guy. You’re complaining to a man—one you’re interested in—about men. That’s salon talk, or brunch chatter or ladies’-night lamenting.
No man, especially one you’re dating, ever wants to hear a woman complaining about men. It’s an enormous, gigantic, huge turnoff. Would you like to hear a guy you’re interested in complain about women to you? Wouldn’t you think it was a sign you’re probably wasting your pretty trying to get his interest? When you do hear it, don’t you think, “If he did less complaining, maybe he’d have somebody”? So, um, you know that’s what the average guy thinks when you complain to him about men.
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