Ask Demetria: "How Do I Get Her Back?"

Kanye West "Heartless"

Dear Demetria:

Help me out, D. I was dating a woman long distance, and things started to head into relationship territory pretty fast (three months). I felt pressured and basically stopped hitting her up as much and being less responsive to slow things down. She reacted terribly and cut me off for being inconsistent. I was relieved at the time and let her leave, but now I regret it. She ignored me last time I tried to reach out. How can I fix this? —Anonymous

Honestly? I don’t know if you can fix this—or, if you can, that you should. You thought things were moving too fast, and you’re entirely entitled to however you felt about that. But the correct and respectful thing to do was to have a conversation about how you felt about the pace of the situation, not be passive aggressive and distance yourself from her. You seem to care now, but you’ve been disrespectful of her feelings, and your past actions demonstrate that you’re a consistently poor communicator. I can’t say that I blame her for ignoring you, given these circumstances.

I also wonder, what has changed now, and why you are suddenly interested in her again after being consistently uninterested? Are you reaching out to her because you are lonely? Bored? Or is this your ego in the sense that you’re only interested now because you reached out and she didn’t bother to respond? Do you want her back, or do you just want the satisfaction of knowing that she may want you?

I’ll be honest; if this query came from her about a guy she was dating who demonstrated that he wasn’t interested in the same way you have, I would tell her to keep it moving and don’t look back. I would advise her to know her worth and not waste her pretty on a man who has shown her how easily he can disregard her feelings and not care enough about her to respectfully say, “Hey, I like you, but this is moving too fast for me,” or even, “Hey, this isn’t working for me.”

If you had said that to her, she might have been disappointed by your perspective, but at least she would have seen that you cared enough about how she felt to communicate like an adult. Because you had treated her feelings with respect, there would have been a better opportunity for you to circle back if you were ever willing to rekindle something with her in the future.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: "I’m Considering Lipo, but My Boyfriend Hates the Idea!"

Unknown-1

Dear Demetria:

I’ve lost 40 pounds and have 20 more that I would like to lose. I love my body, but I have a trouble area that will not budge with exercise and clean eating. I have decided to get liposuction if I lose the rest of the weight and the area still hasn’t budged. I feel like this is reasonable, and I don’t consider it “cheating.”

I have a consultation scheduled, and my boyfriend does not approve. He believes I don’t need it and I’m just not working out enough or doing the right exercises. I just don’t think he understands. I know it's my body and I still plan to go through with it, but I want him to be on board and support me. How do I get him to understand? —Anonymous

First, congratulations on taking control of your health and putting in the work to get the results you want. With a lot of discipline and certainly some major lifestyle changes, you’ve accomplished a great feat. I’m proud of you.

Most people would consider the approach that you’re taking to be quite reasonable. After working to lose a considerable amount of weight, you want to be happy with what you see in the mirror. You’ve committed to losing another 20, and given your past progress, there’s no reason to believe you won’t reach your goal. You’ve decided to make your final evaluation once you’ve met your weight-loss goals. That’s a responsible way to approach the surgery.

It’s also nice that you’ve shared your thoughts with your boyfriend, but unfortunate that he’s not on board. It would be great if he were more supportive of your possible surgery, but the truth is, you can’t force him to be. He has his own ideas of what he finds attractive—or not—and he’s entitled to that, just as you are. The good news is that you don’t need his permission to move forward, and your opinion on your own body trumps his ... by far.

But you would like him to get on board with your idea. I get it. Try getting to the real issue of what he’s afraid of, because it’s likely deeper than “I just don’t think you need it.” There have been reports in the news of people dying or having major complications as a result of cosmetic or elective surgery. Cases like Kanye West’s mother, Donda West, as well as Tameka Raymond and Joan Rivers, come to mind. Perhaps sharing the research you’ve done to pick a qualified surgeon would help ease his concerns. It may also make him more comfortable if you invite him to meet your surgeon during your consultation so he can make his own evaluation of him or her and ask questions of his own about the procedure.

Another common concern when a mate loses weight or drastically alters his or her appearance is the fear that the partner will become more attractive to others, which may be a threat to the relationship. Or there’s a fear that the partner who has made the changes will want to upgrade to someone more attractive than his or her current partner.

Read the full story: here 

 

UPDATE: The original poster wrote in recently, "Lipo OP: Hey, Belle. I had another convo with bf & he said he would be down with whatever made me happy. I still felt like he was just telling me what I wanted to hear & didn't fully understand. I started researching doctors & had my first consultation yesterday & it turns out I have a considerable amount of loose skin that has to be removed/tightened when I lose the remaining weight. I was bummed that it was worse than I thought & bummed about the price so I showed bf the pics from my appointment. It really sealed the deal for him because he really paid attention & saw that I wasn't overreacting. He congratulated me on losing so much weight & told me that WE would get some more opinions & to not let it bring me down ! THANKS FOR THE ADVICE!"

Power Recap: Will the Real 'Ghost' Please Stand Up?

Ghost lives a fantasy in Miami. I’m finally on-time with the Power recaps. Go me!

Anyway, Tasha is home holding down the fort while Ghost is in Miami “on business”. Tariq is worried about his dad, and so is Tasha. Simultaneously, Ghost ain’t worried about nothing. After much delay, Jamie and Angela are in Miami, their version of Olivia going to Vermont with Fitz, or standing in the sun with Jake. They’re unbothered, sipping room service mimosas for breakfast. Ghost tells Angie, “you did not have faith in me…” Um… why should she, married man, who hasn’t disclosed his illegal lifestyle. They’re living in a fantasy. Wake up! Someone call Dap Dunlap or Mary J Blige.

Fiddy and Tommy are being Fiddy and Tommy. They are Herc and Carter from The Wire with worse tempers and slightly more competency. They pay a visit to the laundromat where Ghost and Tommy clean their drug money and where Fiddy learns more and more about their operation. Didn’t Ghost tell Tommy to bring Kanan along slowly? Tommy’s big mouth self tells Kanan about Ghost going to kill the hit-chick. He, of course, calls his own connect, as a warning? Or to kill her first?

Ghost is wearing a full suit in the Miami heat. I know he’s hot. It’s never not hot in Miami. Ghost is complaining about Stern and how he has to get his club back. Again, I need a refresher on why this club is so important. It’s just so much headache involved, I’m not seeing the worth. Oh, is Ghost still trying to pretend he’s leaving drug life… while currently doubling his distribution? Or is this about needing to keep the front for Angie. Speaking of Angie, when she’s not stroking Ghost’s ego, she’s avoiding calls from her ex/co-worker who is blowing up her phone.

The real Ghost and Angie are stroll through Little Havana, taking in the sights. Angie begins asking about Tommy who she thinks is “Ghost”. Real Ghost quickly changes the subject, then  sends her off to get food while he takes pictures of the spot where the hitlady works. He’s using his best El Bloombito Spanish to engage some old men playing dominoes in conversation when he spots the hit woman.

In NY, Fiddy takes a ride with his son and warns him against Tasha. “A fine woman who know she fine is trouble,” he says. Sean has been told. Will he listen?

Angie and Ghost are handing out on a cabana by the beach. Her phone is still going off. She and Jamie discuss the future. He can move to Miami when he gets his club back. She’s considering a transfer again. She’s asking about the kids, he tells her he’s already researched a school. What about Tasha? Ghost says she’ll be “a very rich woman” and she’ll be okay. You sure about that, buddy?

Angie says she is ready to give up her whole life for Ghost. But first, she has to (finally) take a call from Greg. He finds out that she hacked his account. She was wrong, yes. But maybe that wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t have  a password that a fifth grader could crack. They hash a plan to confirm that Tommy is Ghost.

That night, Ghost shows up to the club to talk the one into signing his business over to Stern. He gets kicked out. Womp. I don’t know why I was expecting Ghost to go all “I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse…” But he just leaves in frustration. At the hotel, Angie reads over the contract and offers to help Ghost by checking court records for info.

The next morning, Angie swings by the Florida DOJ to get more info on Tommy and to  check on a job transfer. So like, you’re going to arrest your man’s best friend of 20 years and business partner, possibly put the friend and business partner in jail, and then still move to Miami and live happily ever after with said man... and his three kids. Am I understanding this plan correctly?

Sean is at the house hanging out with Tariq, making a diorama. Tasha comes home and flashes some cleavage to entice Sean, who is taking his father’s advice and playing Tasha to the left, which she is none to happy about.  Random, Sean is a shorty. I appreciate him more and more each episode He tells Tasha he sees her "like a big sister… now”. Shade.

Tommy and Fiddy are still co-starring in their own Ebony & Ivory buddy flick. Ghost calls to tell Tommy he’s headed out to find the hit woman and suggests Tommy talk Q Dub into working with him. Tommy decides to take Fiddy with him. I know in advance that this is a bad idea.

Tommy’s playing pool with Q-Dubs trying to convince him to come aboard. He isn’t convinced. Tommy’s willing to figure out a new plan, but because Fiddy has no chill, Dubs and his boy, and a random witness all end up dead. Womp, womp.

When Jamie returns to the hotel late, Angie shares her info on the club owner, and… that she’s in love with Ghost… and that she’s a federal attorney… and that she’s investigating Tommy and is planing to put Tommy in jail. Ghost is pissed. “You, me, us.. it’s all a ruse?” I mean it is, but not for the reason you think. It’s because you’re living a double life, my dude.

Everything goes very soap opera here, replete with piano music. Ghost realizes that Angie wants him to testify against Tommy. “It might be the only way to save your dream, our dream,” she pleads. The Real Ghost looks scared and confused. Than Angela asks “have you ever heard anyone on the street call Tommy by the name Ghost?” There score has drums. Ghost makes a serious face. “No,” he says. And for like the first time, like ever, he’s not lying. “Never,” he adds. The drums get louder.

“Will you help me if I help you,” Angela asks  “Or will you leave me?” After a long pause,  Ghost says, “I can’t leave you.” Because both Omari Hardwick and Jamie St. Patrick and Ghost are all exceptional actors, I can’t tell whether he’s lying or not. He tells Angie he loves her, but the look on his face when she can’t see it makes me think he’s thinking about killing her.

Ghost calls Tommy early the next morning. They discuss Ghost looking for the hit-woman, not Angie’s big confession. When Angie awakes, he tells her he’s been talking to Stern. This man makes lying look as easy as breathing. He tells her he has to stay longer in Miami to work. Angie feels weird about the convo last night. Ghost/Jamie says that she can trust him and nothing will come between them. “We’ll be fine,” he says. “Just like we planned.”  Sure, whatever.

Jamie goes back to the Miami club. Short version: As we’ve just seen with Angela, Jamie could sell water to a well/whale. He convinces the owner to sign. Moving on…

Back at the St. Patricks house in NYC, Tasha is so upset watching Lala and Sean flirt that she knocks a glass over.  Neither of them care. Then she tries to cock-block her single friend, name-dropping another man. Mrs. St. Patrick, if you don’t get control of your married hormones…

Mr. St. Patrick is twirling his mistress around Miami one last time. Angie wants Cuban food… at spot coincidentally across the street where the hit woman works. Said hit woman also conveniently stops in for carryout and she and Ghost spot each other. She runs, Ghost chases. She spots the other guy who is also trying to kill her. He reminds me of Chris Brown and moves like a movie-monster.

The other dude catches up with her first and stabs her up a few times. Ghost finds her before she dies. He asks if Rolla sent her. She calls him a “dumb mother——er” twice. Um… ASK HER WHO DID SEND HER, DUDE!!!! He doesn’t. She dies. Jamie leaves and goes back to dinner with Angela like he didn’t just see a chick die in the street, and he wasn’t trying to murder her. This man has no soul. But they can leave Miami together as planned.

Lala and Sean ki-ki in the car. Lala reveals that she doesn’t have anything nice that wasn’t Tasha’s first, then tongues down Sean. I see this going bad places for Tasha.

Jamie and Angie land back at JFK. The vacation is over. Back to the real world.  They pretend that everything is okay, when it’s really anything but.

What did you think of episode 3?

Recap: Power S2E2: Catching the Un-Holy Ghost

Omari. Naked. *swoon* So Ghost, Tommy and Team are moving that dough. But they still need more distributors to make a dent. This sounds like a good problem, but it isn’t. There’s a whole lot of drugs just laying around and not making money. Worse, none of the usual suspects want to get involved.

Tommy is wide open off of Holly, so he has to pick her up from the hospital before he can address this drug situation for which he has all of the good contacts. Holly doesn’t remember what happened the night she was shot and he says it was some fluke with a crazed chick who was mad she wasn’t on the VIP list. Um… that’s the best you could do, dawg?

After he situates Holly, Tommy and Ghost go to see a NJ distributor to see if he will help them get rid of the coke. It’s Marlo from The Wire aka Jamie Hector, one of the best TV drug dealers of all time. Now he’s got a Haitian accent and refuses to do a coke deal because “the ancestors” told him not to. Sir, did you really just turn to religion for consultation on drug matters? The Serbs don’t want to work with Ghost and Tommy either. No one will sell this product.

Ghost’s legit business isn’t going much better. Skeevy Simon is still trying to sell Ghost on coming aboard. I can’t figure out what this guy wants. It’s not the club. Does he want to lay with Jamie in the biblical sense? He just gets off on the power play of sonning a Black dude? I don’t get it. But Jamie finally signs on and Simon says Jamie can have the club back for the right price.

Of course, because Simon is shady, he changes the rules as soon as Jamie is on board. He wants Jamie to be his “errand boy” and run some files to Miami. Also, Ghost won’t be reporting directly to Simon anymore. Ghost’s Number 2 is now his boss (just like Angie). Simon tells New Boss to make sure Ghost never makes the twenty percent profit to buy back the club. I’m unclear why Ghost is putting up with this ish from Simon, at least the parts he knows about. Truth is a headache. Is the club that important? Is there no other way to wash the money? And won’t that part be significantly more difficult now that Ghost has two bosses? I’m with Tasha, just stick to the laundromats or open some more.

The upside to the Miami trip is that Ghost conveniently gets a lead that the hit woman is also in Miami. Two birds, one stone. Maybe three, he and Angie can finally take that trip they talked about.

Speaking of Angie, the bad Latina Mom from OITNB is Angie’s sister. They haven’t spoken in a while because her sister, Poz, doesn’t agree with her relationship with a married man. Angie tells her that she’s frustrated by it, but Jamie is making her dinner that night. Her sister isn’t swayed. “It’s easy to love someone when you only see them an hour a day,” Poz says. Welp!

On the personal front, Ghost is also mess. He’s still trying to figure out if Angie is forreal, forreal after discovering last week that she’s a federal prosecutor. And her switched up behavior isn’t helping matters. Though she’s been reassigned, she’s still pursuing “Ghost” and doesn’t have time for a second romp round with Jamie because she needs to “accidently” bump into her colleague, her ex, to get more details on the case she’s no longer working. Ghost, a married man with three children, tells Angie, “I feel like a booty call.” He keeps trying to pry into what’s going on with Angie’s job and she gives not giving up any details. He’s suspicious, of course, and follows her when she goes for her morning run. He sees that the guy she met up with is FBI. Doh!

But then Angela offers Jamie a key to her apartment, and now he’s more confused if she’s genuine or just really good at playing him. Ghost, who previously promised to make her dinner, takes the opportunity to go to Angie’s place and snoop, which I totally saw coming as soon as she offered the key. He finds her work files and, determines that Angie isn’t after their operation. Sure, ok. Whatever.

At work, Angie meets up with the 14 year old, who provides her with the elusive physical description of the guy she thinks is Ghost. Tommy’s name comes back as a potential suspect, and she hacks into her ex’s files … Pause. How is this possible? My gmail password requires uppercase and lowercase letters, at least one number and maybe a symbol. Access to FBI files are less secure than Gmail? I digress. Angie hacks into an FBI file containing not-actually-Ghost’s voice and realizes that “Oh shit!” Tommy is “Ghost”!” I mean, at least in her head he is. Because Tommy and Ghost are besties, she hesitantly types Jamie’s name into the database. It comes up empty, and later a colleague calls to confirm hat Jamie doesn’t have a record. I assume this lack of information is why Ghost, whose been selling drugs for about twenty years and has no record, is called such.

Angie comes home as Ghost is snooping through her apartment, but he cleans up quickly enough not to get caught. Angie, who never talks about her work, mentions that she’s been reassigned to another case. Ghost offers her a plus-one on his trip to Miami, a new version of the one they were supposed to take before his club got shot up and her snitch got killed. She declines Miami, and to do him that night.

Anyway…

Tasha shows up at Tommy and Holly’s apartment with flowers and food and talking about Holly is family. This is all bullsh--, of course. Despite how much she loves Tommy, she’s never going to think of the chick that stole her earrings from her damn house as family. But Tasha needs to play nice to keep Holly in line. Holly looks skeptical. Tasha tells her that Ghost paid all her medical bills. Holly responds that as an employee of Truth, her medical bills were paid. Really? Bartenders get benefits now? Oh, and Tasha gives her the same spiel about what happened in the club that Tommy gave her, but that doesn’t add up based on Tommy’s voicemails. When Tommy gets home, she barks on him that he has to be honest with her. Um… something is up with this chick. Tommy should run, not walk, to the nearest exist. But that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

Kanan's back and the welcome isn't very warm.

Fiddy is finally going to see Ghost and let him know that he just got out of jail, so recent that Ghost is his first stop. Something weird is happening here. Ghost isn’t all that happy to see Kanan. And is it me, or his compliment about Tasha “filling out” makes me think they have some sexual history.

Because Kanan is just 50 by a different name, he’s full of shady one-liners, Looking around Ghost’s house, he points out, “ya’ll did better without me than ya’ll woulda did with me on the street” and hilariously compares the St. Patricks to The Jeffersons. In Ghost’s study, he reminds Ghost of how he ascended to his current position, by taking out the competition. Ghost bristles.

Tommy pops in and is excited to see Kanan, notably in a way that Ghost isn’t. When Tommy begins to discuss business, Ghost silences him. Yep, there’s definitely some tension there on Ghost’s end. As there should be given that Fiddy wants him dead and all, but Ghost doesn’t know that… yet.

Speaking of Sean being awkward. He wants to rekindle whatever it was with Tasha to see if they can take it further. But Tasha is in a good place with her husband now and brushes Sean off as misunderstanding her previous intentions. Um… ma’am? There’s only but so many ways to interpret taking your draws off in the backseat of the car and touching yourself while your driver looks on, but whatever you say…

I guess because Angie’s not doing him, Jamie finally decides to do his wife. Their sex is actually hotter than Angie and Jamie’s used to be. More, please.

Jamie arrives at his private jet to head for his all business, no pleasure trip to Miami —which the characters are really playing up, so I expect next week to be big. Angie shows up unexpectedly, and because Ghost thinks she’s not a threat, he is happy to see her. I’m wondering if she’s here because going to Miami is a sexier version of making jam in Vermont like Liv & Fitz? Or is she going to use Ghost to get close to Tommy. Or both?

I guess we find out next week.

What did you think of Episode 2?

Rachel Dolezal's Black Women Ruse x Blue-Eyed Social Capital

One of the countless memes clowning Rachel Dolezal In the countless articles and conversations about Rachel Dolezal, so many have wondered why ol’ girl would pretend to be black.

I can’t tell if they mean that question genuinely, like, “like who in their right mind would she put on this ruse for a decade?” Or is it self-depreciating like, “why would anyone in ther right mind want to be black, given the burdens of being such?”

I’m going to give the benefit and hope most folks mean the former, not the latter. And to answer that I’ve got a theory, that goes beyond, “um, duh. Because black women are inherently awesomene!”

My conclusion: Rachel Dolezal’s social capital goes even further as a light-skinned, blue-eyed black girl even than a white girl who’s down for the cause.

Stay with me.

In college, my bestie had a roommate, a white girl, who loved black guys and all things black culture. “Mary” was raised in a lilly-white cow town, somewhere way out in Maryland that despite growing up in Maryland, I’d never heard of.

And despite proclaiming a love for all things black, Mary didn’t really get black people, especially women.

One day she burst into my dorm room, without knocking and yelled, “where yo baby daddy?” There was a popular song at the time (1997) called “My baby daddy.” It was the first time I’d heard the term. But here was Mary, thinking that because she heard the new term in a song, it must mean all black people spoke this way.

She was that type of white girl.

More Vanilla Ice than Eminem if you understand the (important) distinction.

Uh, no. My roommate chastised her for not knocking, then added, “Hey, do you hear us talking like that?”

Her: No.

Roomie: Then don’t come in here talking that way. We’re in college. Speak like it.

Everytime me and bestie, a black girl, went down to Route 1, the local strip where (mostly white) college kids hung out, Mary declined. No interest. Every time we went to the popular black clubs in DC at the time— DC Live, VIP, The Bank or The Ritz—  Mary was the first one dressed.

It was interesting partying with her. Mary wasn’t unattractive, but she wasn’t stunning. She was about average. And yet, black guys would clamor over each other and stumble over themselves to get her attention, spit game, and/or dance with her. Part of it is because of the stereotype about white girls being easy, treating oral sex as casually as a kiss, and having (daddy’s) money they freely spend to trick on their Black boyfriends. The other part of it is the surprisingly common belief that snagging “a white girl” is some kind trophy-worthy accomplishment.

So of course she liked partying with black folk. Her otherness made her exotic and her social capital and white privilege were magnified in a room full of color-struck black guys far moreso than in a room full of white boys. She was a unicorn instead of just another horse.

This is why I think Rachel Dolezal, another white girl from a cow-town, would be enamored with being around Black folk. Now why she would go the extra step to “pass” as a black woman?

A lot of Black folks still think “white is (closer to) right.” Blame it on slavery, if you wish. But the result is blue-eyed white girl Rachel? Meh. Dime a dozen. Blue-eyed black girl Rachel? Four leaf clover.

READ MORE on The GRIO 

Recap: Finally, The Return of Power (Season 2)

Power Season 2 Promo Poster  

So finally Power is back. But something's different.

During Power's 10-month hiatus, Fox's Empire debuted and became an international hit, which means, for better or worse, other shows will naturally adjust their format to duplicate its success.Because the two are often compared, primarily because they are hour-long scripted dramas mostly featuring Black people, I’ll say that I preferred “Power” to “Empire”. It’s a smart drug story, not quite The Wire (the greatest TV show of all time) with its plodding storytelling, but also not trying to be it. Power paced well to me. Slow enough to build conflict to a crescendo unlike Empire, which races through conflicts like its paced to the beat of house music.

Note the past tense I used for “pace”: paced. Power’s changed—in the first two episodes, anyway, . It’s faster, more-in-your-face conflict. It seems like it’s trying to compete with everything-including-the-kitchen-sink over-the-“topness” of Empire, and it didn’t have to. The timing of the shows doesn’t overlap, they’re not on competing networks, and above all, there is room enough for both, despite what a certain Deadline writer might think.

That said…

The premiere of Season 2 picks up right where Season 1 left off. The hit-woman with the pink shoes flees the club after missing her target, Ghost. She hit crazy white boy Tommy’s lady, Holly, instead. Tommy, last seen on a stakeout at Angela’s apartment, after he learns she’s a Federal prosecutor, goes inside to find that her bags are packed and she’s heading off somewhere. Mistakenly, Tommy believes Ghost, who’s been outsourcing more of the day-to-day drug operations to Tommy, has been setting him up to take a fall with the feds. Tommy gets a text from Ghost asking him to meet up, probably to tell him that Holly's been shot. But Tommy’s paranoid, so not today, Satan. Instead he heads off somewhere to hide and we see him get bashed with a baseball bat and collapse.

Oh, and Angela is trying to cover her ass after her CI, Namar, was murdered (by Tommy). Her job is on the line.

Kanan aka 50 Cent aka the executive producer of Power is out of jail after a 10 year bid. After watching the season premiere and episode 2, I can safely say I liked “Power” better when it was a 50 Cent production instead of co-starring 50 Cent. The other characters keep calling 50 “Kanan” and “Dad”, and I’m just like, “no, that’s Fiddy and his son is named Marquis”. 50’s more or less playing himself in that he’s mischievous, cunning, and likes to stir up drama just for kicks. Just as in life, his smile is his redeeming quality. The man does have pretty teeth.

But I digress. 50 Cent is a free man and doesn’t want to see Ghost. He needs a woman. But like, not to have sex with. He’s looking for the hit-woman he hired to kill Ghost who didn’t do her job. He locates her partner, roughs him up bad, and promises to be back if the guy can’t find her. It’s violence for violence sake and to show the audience that Fiddy is not to be f---ed with. Got it.

Omari Hardwick is in his draws. A moment of silence…

….

….

Tasha is worried about her husband. He’s restless as he doesn’t know where Tommy is, and decides to head out to look for him. Ghost needs Tommy to make the connections with other drug dealers so they can move more weight. And he just needs Tommy because for some reason I’m yet to understand, these two are actual besties. Okay, if you say so. Ghost follows the trail of the “Underground Railroad”, ie, places where he and Tommy keep a few thousand in cash and a weapon in case ish hits the fan. The most amusing of these is under a church pew. All the stashes are in place, so Ghost is more confused than ever.

Simon Stern, the skeevy white guy who wanted Ghost to work for him is back. He still wants a partnership, and offers to help Ghost get his club back open and “groom him.” Jamie doesn’t want – or need—his help. Not sure where this storyline is going, but I’m not interested.

With the latest catastrophe at Truth, Jamie has thrown himself back into being a “mother---ing coke boy.” His distributor wants to double the amount of product that’s hitting the streets, and Jamie can’t resist the money, or er, power. Me? I would lay low for a minute if someone was trying to kill me in the street, and got close enough to strike the person standing next to me. But, what do I know? I’m a writer, not a drug dealer.

Ghost goes to see Rolla’s replacement, a kid who looks like an older version of Kenard, the kid from The Wire who shot Oh-mar. He’s suspicious of Ghost because he’s “real habla espanol” with some Latino drug dealers and doesn’t know if he wants to do business. Ghost literally cannot give this dope away.

Angela has a new boss. He’s a hard ass and re-assigns her to another case. Of course, Angie can’t give up the chase of Lobos, and unbeknown to her, also the married man she’s doing. She meets up with Ghost to complain about her job and not being in Miami. "We should be tan”, she says. No, what ya’ll should  be is communicating more and humping less and maybe you would figure out that the man you’re riding is the source you’re looking for at work. Sigh. Oh, and she still thinks “Ghost” is a white guy, i.e., Tommy. Oh, Angie. Of course, Angie can’t give up the case that easily. She attends Namar’s funeral doing her best “Jenny from the Block” impression, looking to see who she can flip for info on “Ghost.” She singles out Namar’s underage boo as an easy target.

In Tommy’s absence, Ghost turns to Tasha, his wife and trap queen, to help him move weight. She’s no newbie here and quickly concocts an elaborate plan to solve Ghost’s work dilemma: kill everyone! “It only starts a war if they know you did it.”, she says. Fresh eyes for the win!!! And Ghost should think twice about cheating on a woman who speaks of murder so casually. But, In return for expressing her loyalty once again, Tasha has one request of her husband: stop seeing his mistress, Angela. It’s a reasonable request. Jamie seems surprised that Tasha knows. He goes all Olivia Pope and says he’ll handle it. but the look on his face says otherwise.

Of course, this is Omari Hardwick, and after Mary Jane, and For Colored Girls, he’s proven that he can’t play a decent husband to save his life. By “handle”, what he meant was slide some peen to Angie, who is riding in him, in literally the next scene. I was once #TeamAngie and I was impressed with their sex scenes, but that was when Angie wasn’t a knowing mistress and I also empathized with Ghost who wanted more from life and seemed weighed down by his small-minded wife.

Now he’s back to being a full-time drug dealer as the club is closed and it’s ambitious Angie who is weighed down by him. It’s painful to watch her mental contortions talking about getting a bigger place where she can play stepmom to his kids and trying to justify sticking with a married man who hits her with classic lies, like, “I’m only there for my kids.” He’s there because he wants to be there. The End. Move on. I cringed when he told Angie in El Bloombito Spanish that Tasha was all about the money. Yeah, she likes it and all, but I believe she would still be “down” if Ghost didn’t have it. Ghost is actually about the money, not Tasha.

Tasha is convinced that Ghost is a changed man, sort of. Lala calls “bullsh—“, and points out that Tasha can’t be all in because she’s saving money on the side. She requests a withdrawl limit of more than $5k. Well, all right then.

Fiddy meets up with some dude he looked out for in prison. They have a new plan now that the hit-lady screwed up leaving Ghost alive: reach the connect via “the inside.” Fiddy says he can count on his son to tell him everything he wants to know about Ghost’s organization. Um… you sure about that Fif? I’m not always sure where Sean's loyalty lies. He's too quiet. You gotta watch those types.

Ghost is still worried about Tommy, and he can’t expand distribution without him. He calls Tommy’s mom, Kate, and meeting her explains a lot about why Tommy is a nut job that he is. Apples don’t far fall from trees. Tommy’s Mom lies to Ghost and swears she hasn’t seen Tommy, her son aka “the ungrateful bastard”. Meanwhile, Tommy’s standing in the kitchen. Mom and son talk about Tommy’s redhead boo that he hasn’t heard from in days now, and bond by doing lines of coke on the kitchen counter. How Hallmark.

Ghost goes before the community board to plea for a second chance to have Truth re-opened. They relent. But this is a TV drama so there’s always a catch. Skeevy Simon bought out Ghost’s landlord, so technically, he owns Truth now. Forgive me, I just don’t get why this dude wants Ghost’s and/or Ghost’s club so bad. But this scene is kind of telling about Ghost, in that he seems to be a modern-day Stringer Bell. As Avon once assessed, “you’re too good for one world, but not good enough for the other.” He can’t run the drug operation without Tommy, and in legit world, he’s easily scooped. He is, however, winning on the home-front. He lies to Tasha and tells her that he’s taken care of the Angela situation.

Ghost’s spidey senses tell him Tommy’s mother was lying and he pops up at the house with what looks like a dime bag to entice her to open the door. He muscles his way in and finds that Tommy’s got a gun. He accuses Ghost of betraying him. This is how Ghost finally learns Angie is a US attorney. Doh!

In the best exchange of the show, Ghost says, “She told me she was a lawyer for the government!”

Tommy: “What kind of lawyers did you think work for the government?”

Tommy: 1. Ghost: 0.

Ghost is devastated and believes Angela is playing him. Tommy wants to kill her. Ghost can’t do it. He’s in… something with her. I won’t call it love. I do think he genuinely cares about Angie. That puppy dog way he looks at her is almost pathetic. I looked at a man that way once. Nothing good comes of that.

Oh, and Ghost finally tells Tommy that Holly got shot. Tommy goes all weird, as expected. Meanwhile, Ghost shows up to Angie’s house unexpectedly and with a gun… She says she loves him. He’s obviously skeptical.

In other news, I wonder how much the show paid to license that Lil Wayne/Drake song for the conclusion? That didn’t come cheap. Rip Rip.

 

What did you think of the Season 2 premiere of Power? 

BSH: Loyalty Matters

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haven’t watched last week’s episode of the TV show I’m currently on, Blood Sweat and Heels. I had a digital copy of the episode before I boarded a plane at JFK Airport on an international flight last week. I haven’t seen the episode because I don’t want to.

Let me explain: This season has been ... challenging. A month before our wedding, my now-husband, Greg, had a falling-out with my good friend and cast mate, Geneva S. Thomas. I spent several months trying to play the middle between my then-fiance and my good friend, respecting my soon-to-be spouse and attempting to hold on to a friendship with someone I hold dear. It was not a fun position.

Geneva and I are not best friends. That distinction belongs to a woman I met when I was 12, whom I went to junior high school with and who sat next to me at my wedding reception (I didn’t have bridesmaids or a matron of honor). But Geneva is the type of friend who answers when I call at any hour and who will sit on the phone with me and commiserate when I’m hurt or scared or angry. That matters.

In case you missed it, the drama unfolded this way: I had a book signing to launch my latest book, Don’t Waste Your Pretty  Geneva invited a friend, a recent addition to the cast. The friend was disruptive while I was taking questions from a rapt audience. She had been asked to quiet down multiple times and refused.

When she became increasingly loud—more likely from a desire to get additional camera time than from being overserved at the open bar—Greg intervened. Geneva had said nothing about her friend’s behavior until my fiance stepped up and asked a security guard to have the disruptive woman escorted out. It was then that Geneva spoke out, much to Greg’s chagrin. I was on a stage promoting my book and only learned the details secondhand. What I heard were similar stories with vastly differing perspectives from my fiance and my friend.

Greg said that Geneva was disrespectful for interfering when he was addressing the situation. Geneva thought my fiance was “doing too much,” and said she would stand up for anyone she had invited to an event who was being kicked out. She didn’t feel that she was in the wrong, but she apologized the next morning in case I had any hard feelings. I accepted her apology. Given who my cast mates are, things could have been much worse.

Based on the versions I heard, I thought my fiance and my friend were both right. But having to choose between the two? I read where one of my cast mates said, “I would laugh in my man’s face if he tried to disinvite my best friend from my wedding.” That comment explains a lot about why she is perpetually single and can’t maintain a healthy relationship.

I watched my parents, who have been married “forever,” and I watched The Godfather: You never speak publicly against the family. When I said yes to my husband’s proposal, I was agreeing to be his partner in this thing called life. If I wasn’t willing to stand by him—right or wrong, at least in public—then I wouldn’t be acting like the wife I was hoping to be.

Let me be clear: My ultimate loyalty is to my husband over any friend. Like Rodney King, I want everyone to “just get along,” but when there is a conflict, my husband’s feelings take precedence. That’s just how this wife thing works.

Behind closed doors, Greg and I had many conversations about his desire not to have Geneva at ourwedding. Note the “our.” I wasn’t standing at the altar by myself.

Eventually I was able to get him to see enough of my perspective that he changed his mind. Unfortunately, this came after Geneva had vented her frustration about this situation to her actual best friend, in front of other people and on camera.

Read more on The Root 

Shaming Your Kid Online is Cyberbullying

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There’s yet another viral video of a black parent publicly shaming her child.

In this one, a 12-year-old boy named Terrence, who came home smelling like marijuana, got a “George Jefferson” haircut from his stepmom. To make matters worse, the stepmom, Aaliyah Hines, found out that he also failed the seventh grade and will have to repeat it next year. In the caption for the video that was posted to Hines’ Facebook page, she said she’s selling his Jordans. He also won’t be sleeping in his new bed, he’s going to summer school and she’s sending him to stay with her mom. Oh, and she promised to give him that George Jefferson haircut again the following week.

“I don’t ever want your hairline to grow back,” she said to him in the video. “You’re going to be looking like your grandpa.” Apparently he’ll be looking like an old man for a while.

I’m not bothered so much by the punishment part of it. Jordans are a luxury, not a necessity. And sending the kid to Grandma? Well, maybe she’ll actually do a better job staying on top on his schoolwork this summer. It’s not lost on me that it’s close to the end of the school year, and the stepmom (the biological mother and father aren’t seen in the video), despite yelling to the camera that her son is “going to get this work,” has just discovered in the final hour that the child has failed.

The punishments are what they are, but what I take issue with is the “whole world” knowing about it. It’s one thing to screw up and be punished, even embarrassed, but it’s quite another to know that there is an everlasting video telling millions of people what you’ve done, and one that they’ll be able to pull up anytime.

When I viewed Hines’ video Tuesday night on her Facebook page, there were 1.1 million views. By Thursday morning, it had 7.2 million. Hines seems very proud of herself, performing for the camera as she chastises her son, including shaving his head as he sits there pathetically. I think she expects the whole audience to cheer her on, applauding her for being like the much-hailed Baltimore momwho stormed a street protest to snatch up and smack down her son. But really, I felt awful for the child.

Did he deserve to be punished? Absolutely. Did he deserve to be publicly humiliated for an audience of millions? Absolutely not. If anyone other than a parent uploaded a video to humiliate another person this way, especially a teenager, it would be called cyberbullying. If the child willfully participated in this act as part of a group initiation ceremony, it would be called hazing. But because it’s a parent humiliating a child on camera and posting it online, we’re supposed to celebrate this as a new, effective model of parenting?

Read more: HERE

Ask Demetria: I Moved, and He's Not Ready to Marry Me

Do know that waiting is an option, not a requirement Dear Demetria:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years in a long-distance relationship. In January I moved to his city to be with him. We have talked about getting married in the future. But I’m super frustrated that almost six months into living together, he hasn’t proposed yet. I try not to bring it up, but I can’t help it. Then it turns into an argument about how he isn’t ready yet, etc. My question is, how do I keep sane while I have to sit in this waiting limbo period? It is consuming me! —Anonymous

This is a hard one to conveniently “fix” because there have been a lot of missteps along the way that led to this point. Your situation will be hard, but not impossible, to neatly unravel. If it makes you feel better, this is a surprisingly common conundrum. Also, you do know that waiting is a choice you’ve made. He’s not making you do that. You do not have to wait. Own the choice you’ve made to do so.

That said, you two have been in a long-distance relationship for a significant amount of time. At nearly three years, it was time to figure out, “What are we doing here?”

It seems that there was a desire from both of you to be together in the same city. But it also seems that you were both so caught up in the romance and the excitement of finally being together that you overlooked, or avoided, some important detailed conversations about where this relationship is headed and when. You’re now both learning this information on the back end, when it’s the most inconvenient and frustrating for the both of you.

It’s great that you and your partner had a conversation about wanting to be married to each other before you moved, but as you’re finding, the timeline for that matters. A lot. You’ve made a big sacrifice by packing up and moving to a new city—likely leaving your friends, maybe family, and a job behind. You’re looking for a reward, of sorts, for doing that.

I don’t fault you for feeling that way. But since that was your outlook, you should have relayed it clearly to your partner before you quit your job and opted not to renew your lease so that you knew exactly what situation you were moving into—or not—and could manage your expectations and relationship accordingly.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: My Ex Won't Visit Our Daughter Unless I Have Sex With Him

Black Mother and child.

Dear Demetria:

I am currently single and dealing with the father of my daughter. We were never in a formal relationship, but he refuses to see our daughter unless there is sex involved. He also has other children, with multiple women, whom he sees and acknowledges. I don’t want anything to do with him, but my daughter needs her father. What do I do? —Anonymous 

The father of your child has opted not to play a role in your daughter’s life unless he can get something out of it—namely, sex with you. That’s a really unfortunate stance that he’s taken. But no, you should not have sex with a man you “don’t want anything to do with” in exchange for him fulfilling his responsibilities as a father. Mothers make sacrifices for their kids, of course. But this is asking entirely too much.

He should be present because he’s her father, period, not because there’s quid pro quo where he gets a treat for doing what he’s supposed to. Tell him flatly that sex with him is no longer an option. He may choose not to come around anymore; and as sorry as that will make him as a man and father, and as sad as it may make your daughter, do know that his absence in your daughter’s life will not be your fault. You’re not telling him not to come around; you’re telling him that he no longer has sexual access to you. His absence will be solely on him. He will be making the choice not to be a part of her life, not you.

What your daughter needs is a father who is actually invested in her well-being and who genuinely cares about her. Her current father isn’t demonstrating this if he will spend time with her only when he is enticed with sex from you. Even though he may be present in her life now, present isn’t enough.

Your daughter doesn’t just need a father; she needs a good father. And by no one’s definition would her biological father’s current actions count as being a good father. Also know that what your daughter needs, too, is a mom who respects herself.

Read more: HERE 

HBO's 'Southern Rites' Screening in NYC

John Legend at the NYC "Southern Rites" screening (photo by Jordan Kleinmann) In 2009, New York-based photographer Gillian Laub ventured into two small counties in southeast Georgia to document the area’s still-segregated high school proms. (If this sounds familiar, it’s because the segregated prom story gained national attention in The New York Times.) Two years later, Laub returned to Georgia to document the town’s racial progress, including the election campaign of an African-American sheriff.

While Laub was in town, a Black 22-year-old man was fatally shot by a white man, dividing locals along their well-worn racial lines.

HBO’s new documentary, Southern Rites, directed by Laub and executive-produced by John Legend, delves deep into the complicated racial tensions still beleaguering the Southern town.

“I seriously felt like these were stories that just needed to be told, and the more [the community] pushed me away, the more I realized how important and necessary it is to get out in the world and be talked about,” Laub said on Monday evening at a New York screening.

In 2011, Norman Neesmith’s great-niece, who was living with her uncle, invited Justin Patterson and his younger brother to their house. Neesmith woke up, saw the men in his home and grabbed his gun. He demanded the two explain why they were there. As the brothers attempted to run out the back door, Neesmith fired his gun, wounding Patterson, who died in a nearby field.

The twist? Neesmith’s niece is black.

“There was a killing of a young, unarmed black boy that wasn’t being reported on,” said Laub. “ I couldn’t handle the injustice. I couldn’t handle it.”

Gillian Laub at HBO's screening for "Southern Rites". (Photo by Jordan Kleinmann)

Determined to expose the truth about this tragedy, Laub traded her tripod for a video camera and began teaching herself the basics of filmmaking. Using her newfound skills, she thoroughly examined the shooting, aftermath, and trial in the slaying of Patterson.

“This film doesn’t give easy, tidy answers,” Laub said.

That it doesn’t. As more and more layers come to light, viewers quickly see that the problems in the town run deeper than just skin color—not everything is black and white.

Legend, also at the screening, thought that the documentary could spark new conversations in today’s racially charged environment. “When we talk about ‘Black Lives Matter,’ this film is an embodiment of that,” Legend said, “because it really shows the impact that killing a young Black man has on the family, on the community, and it really does matter.”

Don’t miss Southern Rites, which premieres Monday, May 18 at 9 p.m. ET on HBO.

HBO's 'Southern Rites': A Must See

HBO 'Southern Rites', (Image courtesy of HBO.com) I remember the big New York Times story in 2009 about a small town in Georgia who had segregated proms—yes, in 2009. Though the local schools integrated in 1971—17 Years after Brown vs. Brown of Education, the landmark case which denounced the idea of “separate but equal”—the proms remained white and black only, respectively. (Although white students were allowed to attend the Black prom.) The reason for the separation, which students interviewed by The Times seemed to be largely against? Tradition.

Sigh.

I was late to the party, learning that this was still going on in 2011. Nearly a decade earlier, photographer Gillian Laub was commissioned by Time Magazine to document the one-race only proms. In 2009, her photographs were published in the Times, which made the proms a national topic and finally nudged the town of Montgomery County to integrate in 2010.

Laub returned to the town in 2011 with a film crew to document the complicated race relations, racism and fear that persists there. The result, HBO’s latest documentary, “Southern Rites”, which is executive produced by singer/songwriter John Legend. (Laub also has a book documenting this subject with the same name.)

Laub showed up in Mount Vernon, Georgia for the high school festivities, but found so much more when she arrived. The first Black police chief was on a campaign to become Sheriff, and a young Black man was killed by a white man, after the man discovered him in his house at the invitation of the man’s (Black) niece. The town, unsurprisingly, was divided among racial lines.

“This is a story that needs to be told,” said Laub. “This film is about giving a voice to the people of Montgomery and Toombs counties. This is their narrative. “

Check out the trailer for “Southern Rites” below:

 

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pg9qpUIS0rg[/embed]

 

Southern Rites airs on HBO on May 18 at 9 PM. For additional information about Southern Rites, visit: HERE 

 

Kenya Moore's Married BF is Mighty Fishy

Kenya Moore and her married boyfriend, James Freeman

Technically, I’m on vacation. I’ve rented a (cheap) car, and woe is me (insert sarcasm) that there’s no way to connect my iPhone to the stereo to listen to my playlists. I’m forced to listen to the radio, which I rarely do at home.

The talk of Miami’s Hot 105 this week has been the discovery by The Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kenya Moore that she was unknowingly dating a married man, whom she met via Bravo’s TV show Millionaire Matchmaker. According to Moore, she discovered this after she’d been sharing pics of herself and her new man, James Freeman, on social media. Yikes!

“Unfortunately, I just learned today that the man I met and fell in love with from Millionaire Matchmaker was married a week after the show aired,” Moore posted on Instagram. “I am astounded and devastated to have learned of this news VIA social media as opposed to from him directly.”

A woman, especially a celebrity, being duped by a man is a juicy story, and the radio station’s hosts spun it into a “question of the day,” asking readers when it was appropriate to share pictures of your significant other on social media. (Most popular answer: when you’re engaged or married—and keep the pics and details to a minimum even then.) But I had a different, more pressing question running through my mind: Where was this man’s wife?

It wouldn’t work for me to have my betrothed on a dating show, but I do understand that many of the people who appear on these types of programs are actors or aspiring actors. Maybe the fiancee was cool with him adding a show to his résumé? Fair enough. Technically, you are single until you are married, I guess. But Moore and Freeman continued to date after the wedding, according to Moore. It seems that Moore wasn’t in an open relationship, but was Freeman in an open marriage?

Actually, no, says Jaimi Gregory, Freeman’s wife. She offered RadarOnline a different timeline than Moore’s, saying that her now-husband’s appearance on Millionaire Matchmaker was filmed in September, before Gregory met him in December. Gregory and Freeman became engaged in March and were married a month later. Gregory says that her husband “forgot” about having taped the show until commercials began airing.

So let me get this straight: He forgot about that time when—for at least three days, for multiple hours each of those days—he hung out with a celebrity woman on a show about a celebrity matchmaker. And he conveniently forgot about the multiple, big cameras that were in his face as well as the lights. Then this same forgetful man also met a woman online and married her within four months? I mean, some people do know when they know, but does a man this “forgetful” fall into that category?

Read more: HERE 

Ask Demetria: Our Moms Are In Our Business

Actress Jennifer Lewis has been type cast as an overbearing Black mom.

Dear Demetria:

My mom and her good friend since childhood had the idea to set me up with the friend’s son. I initially reached out to him in a friendly manner, and we had a nice conversation via text. However, I was hesitant and kept the convo very light because I thought having an attraction to him would be too close to home. Later I found out that our mothers had master-planned our future wedding before we officially went on a date.

He’s always tired or working unless out with his friends. We both work a lot, so I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because I am thinking he’s not interested, although his mother is saying that things are great for us. Which, by the way, is weird, having someone interpret my situation for me. I guess my question is, should I ask if he’s interested so we don’t waste our pretty? —Anonymous

Unfortunately, he doesn’t sound very interested, despite what his mother says. Everyone gets tired from working, but anyone who is actually interested in someone will somehow find time in his or her schedule to see that person, even when he or she is exhausted. If this guy has enough energy and free time to hang out with his friends—people he is interested in being around—then he could make time for you, too. He is choosing not to.

It’s probably not personal. That said, what he feels—or doesn’t—and the lack of interest he shows counts way more than anything his mother says. She may be interested in having you for a daughter-in-law, but you’re dating him, not her.

Try not to take his lack of interest personally. I’m going to guess you are truly lovely, well rounded, a great conversationalist, easy on the eyes, ambitious, kind and nurturing and have all the other great traits that women are expected to embody. Let’s say you’re perfect, even. If I were he, I still wouldn’t date you under these circumstances. It’s not you; it’s your mom and her best friend.

Frankly, and to paraphrase retired street poet K-Solo, your moms are in your business way too much. It’s one thing to set your child up and make an introduction. But your mother and his have concocted a whole Shakespearean comedy for their children, and they’ve escalated from introduction—which I’m not mad at—to meddling and trying to force a union that clearly isn’t a match. It’s not enough for them to want their children to be together; the children actually have to want that, too. Otherwise this is a no-go.

 

Read more: HERE 

Ask Demetria: He Wants A Paternity Test for Our Child!

One of Maury's infamous paternity test segments.

Dear Demetria:

I've been in a relationship for three years. We moved in together after I got pregnant, and our son is now 2 months old. I've never been unfaithful. He cheated early on. He said he wants a paternity test. I'm positive that our son is his, and I'm offended that he would question if he is the father.WWBD? —Anonymous

I get why you're offended. His asking for a paternity test implies that he has some doubts about being the father and that you may have been having sex with someone else—and, worse, doing so unprotected. In so many words, he's saying that he doesn't really trust you. Because you've mentioned his infidelity all these years later, I'm guessing that it's still a sore spot for you, despite the fact that you stayed with him. You've got to be thinking, "Hold up. You cheated and I didn't leave, and then you come through with this?!"

I'm sure you're angry. You have a right to be. And I'm sure that he knew you would be, but he asked anyway. I get why he did. Stories abound about men who believed a child to be theirs biologically, only to discover later that the child was not, sometimes after years of paying child support. This is a great fear of many men, and although it's exploited for amusement on talk shows like Maury, it's not entirely unfounded.

Some years ago, The Atlantic ran a story by Steve Olson on "nonpaternity events," the geneticist's term for a guy who may be a father, but not biologically.

"[Geneticists] rarely publish their findings, but the numbers are common knowledge within the genetics community,” Olson wrote. "In graduate school, genetics students typically are taught that 5 to 15 percent of the men on birth certificates are not the biological fathers of their children. In other words, as many as one of every seven men who proudly carry their newborn children out of a hospital could be a cuckold." A later New York Times story on paternity testing included a statistic that said 30 percent of men who question whether they are the father are actually right to question.

So yeah, it's not entirely unheard of for some women to lie or be mistaken about the paternity of their child. I get why an unmarried man, even one who actually trusts his partner, would ask for a test in order to be doubly sure for his own peace of mind.

Here's another rub: In some cases, even when the man discovers that the child isn't biologically his, after years of paying support, not only doesn't he get a refund for the money spent on someone else's biological child, but he is also mandated to continue paying. In other cases, men have been forced to pay just because their partner put their name on the birth certificate, even though DNA proved that the child wasn't theirs.

Beyond finances, it's also emotionally devastating to find out that a child you thought was "yours," biologically speaking, is not.

 

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria UPDATE: #Justthetip

A controversial ad that ran in NYC subways.

Dear Demetria:

You told us to cool out before things went too far. They did, and now we’re in trouble. I got her pregnant. Now she wants me to tell her dad by myself. I’m not talking to bruh by myself. He’s a big dude, like black man from The Green Mile big. He might break my damn legs, and I need these legs. What do I do? —Anonymous

I remember your story. You sent a query to Ask Belle about three months ago to say that you “accidentally” took your girlfriend’s virginity and she was mad.

You wrote this:

I swear it was a weird accident. My girl wants to wait until marriage. In the meantime, we do everything but penetration. Last night, we humping. I got her legs on my shoulder and I’m moving. I made a wrong move or something. The next thing I know I’m in. But not all the way in, just the tip. My girl starts screaming and punching me. She’s asking me what did I just do. She telling me I ruined her virginity and this wasn’t how she wanted to lose it. I feel like [s--t], man. Unfixable or nah? P.S.: I love her.

After a bit of back-and-forth, I learned that you were both 18 and high school seniors, and neither one of you had received a proper sex talk. Her parents are super religious and had simply admonished her not to have sex. (Dear parents: This is not effective.) They didn’t discuss with her how to manage her sexual urges, other than to pray about it.

I—and several readers on social media—wrote in to support you after you and your girlfriend shared your story. Everyone reading had once been a sexually excited teenager, and very few of us were given the proper information about how to protect ourselves from accidental pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. We learned by trial and error. We tried to have the conversation with you and your girlfriend that we didn’t get from our parents.

We told you then that whatever you two chose to call what y’all were doing, you needed to wear a condom (or at least underwear) while doing it. We didn’t tell you not to have sex, which would have been unrealistic, since the average American loses his or her virginity at age 17. We told you how to protect yourself. We were rooting for you both, man.

Your girlfriend’s pregnancy may have you feeling as if it’s the end of the world. It isn’t. I promise. But this is a big deal. You’re scared—as you should be—and not just of your girlfriend’s father, whom you should have thought about when you weren’t using a condom. You and your girlfriend just took on a major responsibility, the magnitude of which I’m not sure you fully grasp just yet. Starting now, and for at least the next 18 years (really, for the rest of your life), you’re both in this together.

The upside of this togetherness, however, is that you’re not required to tell her father alone. I’m positive that there were two people actively involved who resulted in her pregnancy. So either both of you inform her father together, or she tells her father alone, since it’s her father.

Read the full story on The Root 

Stop Celebrating Toya Graham While Condemning Protestors

"Hero Mom" Toya Grahama, and her 16 year old son, Michael Even before Toya Graham, the Baltimore mother of six who was captured on video “disciplining” her son, began making the news rounds, she was already being hailed as a hero.

The video of her dragging her 16-year-old son, Michael, who was throwing rocks at police, from Baltimore’s melee and slapping him repeatedly in the face had gone viral. Commenters e-applauded her for “doing what any good mother would do.” Some called her “mother of the year.”

I’m part of the contingent that doesn’t think Graham was right. I was a kid who got hit, and I’m in the camp that striking another person—especially a child—in anything other than self-defense is wrong. Countless studies have concluded that hitting your children doesn’t make them better, responsible people. After seeing Graham’s reaction—admittedly one born out of anger and fear—I’m not surprised that her son has a similar reaction to anger and fear: violence. The lessons you get at home are the habits you take “abroad.”

I absolutely don’t think that she handled it the best way, but I think it was the best way she knew how in the moment. While I have the luxury of sitting at my laptop debating the moral quandary of it all a few days later, Graham didn’t have that same luxury when she spotted her son in a crowd of protesters. She wasn’t thinking philosophically or about what bystanders would say or whether there were cameras rolling or whether her actions would soon be viewed by an audience watching on their cellphones.

She was reacting as she thought about her son getting himself killed by police out in the streets of Baltimore. She told CBS News, “I didn’t want him to be a Freddie Gray,” referring to the 25-year-old man who died after he was seriously injured under suspicious circumstances while in police custody. Graham’s fear for her son if he was anywhere near the police, much less antagonizing them, has merit.

Graham was scared and she was admittedly angry. Her only son was putting himself in harm’s way, and undoubtedly she was desperate to protect him. Graham, as she describes it, “lost it.” I won’t condemn Graham’s reaction.

But I will point out the hypocrisy of people who applaud Graham and yet condemn Baltimore’s protesters, who have been called “thugs” and “animals” and everything but a child of God, when their reactions and Graham’s are one and the same.

Just like Graham, the people in the streets of Baltimore are also scared and fearful and desperate. Graham is using all her might to “discipline” her child, who is taller and, likely, physically stronger than she is. There are citizens throwing rocks at police officers with guns. These are means of last resort because they have all “lost it.”

 

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Kanye West's White Guy Voice for 'Time'

Kanye West lands Time's Most Influential list First off, congratulations to Kanye West for making Time magazine’s 2015 100 Most Influential People list. Unquestionably, the “boundary breaker” deserves to be there and as Elon Musk, who authored West’s Time bio, points out, “Kanye West would be the first to tell you he belongs on the list.”

I take no issue with West’s inclusion or even his ego, only his voice on the accompanying video of his Time write up. Yes, his voice. It’s affected, nasal, all treble and no bass, a far cry from how he sounded in interviews when “College Dropout” debuted 11 years ago, or even when “My Dark Twisted Fantasy” dropped in 2010. The new voice isn’t how he sounds on his most recent album, “Yeezus.” Where did it come from? And better, when can it be sent back?

The new voice sounds like exactly what it is: a Black man trying to imitate a stereotypical white voice. To be clear, I’m not playing into the idea that to sound educated or intelligent is to sound “white.” Kanye sounded educated and intelligent with the old voice, the one with bass. But I absolutely think West, on his well-documented quest to be beloved by European designers, and Europeans, in general, is playing into the idea that white is right with this new voice. And it’s strange to me that this accomplished, intelligent, articulate Black man raised on the South Side of Chicago got way “on” and now, after at least a decade of speaking publically and everyone knowing what he actually sounds like, feels the need to code switch to stay there or get to wherever’s next.

West debuted this new voice two years ago when he appeared on the short lived talk show hosted by his now- Mother in Law, Kris Jenner. And was largely roasted for it by his Black fans. Some gave him a pass for trying to sound “professional”– which he absolutely did with bass in his voice– when speaking to Jenner and appealing to her middle-aged studio audience. Maybe it would have gone over better for the viewing audience hadn’t been listening to Kanye for a decade and didn’t know the obvious difference.

Read the full post on The Grio 

Semi-Conscious 19 y.o. Woman Assaulted on Spring Break

Random Spring Break picture, not of the woman mentioned in this post.

NOTE: For clarity: the blame for rape rests solely on the rapists. I am staunchly in the "men should not rape" crowd. However, hundreds of people witnessed this woman's assault, others watched and recorded it, and the woman likely was partying with friends prior to her assault.  Those people are not responsible for rape, but they still aint sh--.

 

Like many, I’ve been following the news story about a 19-year-old woman who was publicly gang-raped during spring break in Panama City, Fla. Dozens of people watched or recorded the incident, which is how it came to the attention of authorities who were investigating an unrelated crime in another state. The woman, who was semiconscious during the assault, alleges that she was drugged and has little recollection of the incident. So far, two men—both Troy University students—have been arrested.

Video of the assault, thankfully, isn’t publicly available—even though it’s only a matter of time before someone could post it online—but Bay County Sheriff Frank McKeithen described it as “the most disgusting, sickening thing I’ve ever seen.”

I’m horrified by this story, which is perhaps every woman’s worst nightmare, but I can’t say I’m surprised by most of it. The one thing that raises my (manicured) eyebrows is wondering, “How did this 19-year-old woman get left behind?” According to reports, she was found unconscious on a beach chair. Where were her friends? Surely she didn’t go to spring break alone, and that type of event usually isn’t a couples’ getaway. She had to have some girls. Where were they?

I’ve babysat my fair share of drunken friends (and to be fully transparent, in my early 20s, I also needed a babysitter on more occasions than I’m comfortable publicly admitting). It is beyond annoying to be with the friend who can’t hold her liquor and wants to act up or throw up or pass out. But two of the codes of womanhood and drinking are, “No woman left behind” and “We go together, we leave together.” Period.

No one likes to spend the night in the venue bathroom, leave early and head back to hold someone’s head over the toilet, but everyone with sense does it to avoid what happened to this 19-year-old girl here. Who in their right minds let the drunken—or drugged—friend wander off or, worse, knew that she was out of it and parked her on a beach chair because they didn’t want to turn down yet?

This part of the story is shocking to me, but everything else? I’m sickened, saddened but, as I said, not surprised that it happened—nor that there were so many bystanders who did nothing. This assault is a worst-case scenario, but women being assaulted at spring-break destinations and other large gatherings for partygoers isn’t uncommon or new. At the events I’ve been to or, better, used to go to—note the past tense—I always felt that there was an undercurrent of sexual violence, an assault waiting to happen. I never felt that the other attendees were going to have my back. And that’s why I stopped going.

I never went to spring break in Panama City, but I did go to the Black Greek Festival in Philadelphia in the late ’90s. To be fair, the vast majority of the attendees were well-behaved students who showed up to see the step shows and spot some cuties. But as I was walking through the park with my girls, I spotted two women dancing suggestively on top of a truck that was blaring whatever the hot song was at the time. A group of guys had gathered around the truck to watch and record the women, who were dressed in bikini tops and “batty riders.”

Even in my inexperienced youth, I knew that wasn’t going to end well. I looked over at a nearby officer who seemed exasperated watching the scene. When he caught me watching him (with a look that wondered, Why aren’t you doing anything?), he said something like, “I don’t know why these girls do that.”

Suddenly the group of guys began pushing the truck, shaking it and trying to knock the girls off and into the crowd, where only God knows what would have happened to them. The officer sighed and strolled—not ran—to break up the melee. I got the feeling that this sort of thing happened all the time.

 

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