Belle Discusses Street Harassment on 'Nightline'

 

Click the image below to watch my interview on @NIGHTLINE last night, discussing (white) women and street harassment. I'm amazed by the reaction to this video (10 million views). I'm glad street harassment is a national topic, but stunned by the response to white women's tears. There's been an ongoing discussion by Black women about sexual harassment for months on Black sites/blogs/Twitter (ie, #youoksis) that went ignored by mainstream media. Many Black men only joined the conversation to say shut up, stop complaining, stop exaggerating or be grateful someone's even paying attention.

A white woman speaks out? It's a national news story and there's hand wringing everywhere. White men— who also street harass, but were conveniently left out of the video-- are pining to rescue her from the scary Black and Latino guys bothering her. This is racism and sexism at its finest.

Ask Demetria: "My Ex Abandoned Me (and the Kids), But Now He Wants A Second Chance"

Dear Demetria:

My boyfriend cheated and abandoned me and my kids. I didn’t even know he was leaving. I came home and his things were gone. I started dating a great guy, but after a year my ex has returned and wants to get married. The new guy has been there for that year, helping me with financial issues and me. Would I be wrong for going back to my ex? I still love him, and he said he needed time to give me 100 percent like I gave him. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like I never should have been without my ex. —Anonymous

Don’t be a fool for love. You’re in love with a man who, from what you’re telling me here, doesn’t deserve what you want to offer him. The guy who deserves it? He’s the one who’s been doing the most, pitching in to help financially and taking care of you while you’re a mess, pining for a man who doesn’t appreciate you. Just as you hope your ex will appreciate you the second time around, I wish you could appreciate the man in front of you. You’d be so much happier in the long run.

Your ex is no good for you. He walked out on you and your kids, and for a year he never looked back. He didn’t care how the rent (or mortgage) got paid or how you would explain his absence to the kids or the emotional toll it would take on you. He wanted to go and didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye. This is not the type of man you give a second chance to, much less marry. If you go back to him, he will do it again. He fundamentally does not respect you or commitment.

Let me tell you where your ex has been. He wasn’t sitting up somewhere in a monastery, praying daily and taking vows of silence and abstinence to find the God within himself. While you were trying to figure out how to take care of your kids on one income again, he was finding himself laid up with the woman (or one of the women) he was cheating on you with. While you were crying your eyes out about him leaving, he was taking her to dinner and buying her trinkets and whispering sweet nothings. While your kids were asking, “Where’s so-and-so?” he may have been splurging on this other woman’s child, trying to win that child’s affection and more of his or her mama’s. You’ll never know what he was up to because while you were holding it down, he was not there anymore.

Because some version of this question comes up over and over and over in my inbox, I’m going to safely say that the woman or women he was with all this time either bored him or got rid of him. Now he needs some attention, and he’s shown back up at your door begging and promising the world and everything in it. It’s a mirage, hon. Don’t be fooled. Either he needs a place to stay or he’s jealous of your happiness and wants you to want him.

If you leave the new guy for your ex—exactly what your ex did to you, so you know—you will soon find yourself back in the same spot you were a year ago. Your ex isn’t staying this time, either, and when he leaves again, the new guy likely isn’t going to be as forgiving to you as you are to your ex. You’ll be on your own, again, which you probably need to be anyway. If you could skip all the drama to reach that point, it would serve you better.

So about the new guy: You’re using him—again, just as you were used by your ex. You’re keeping the new guy around while you piece yourself back together, and spending his money. It’s not fair to him, and you know exactly how unfair it is because you’ve been in his position.

Read more: here 

The Root: In Defense of Tiny Harris's New Grey Eyes

Was I the only one who had absolutely no idea that people could permanently change their eye color with surgery? Apparently I was stuck in the ’90s, thinking that colored contacts, which never look real, were the only option. Who knew?

Apparently Tameka “Tiny” Harris—celeb mom, wife of rapper Clifford “T.I.” Harris and reality-TV star—did. During promotional rounds for her latest reality show, Tiny & Shekinah’s Weave Trip, fans noticed that Harris had a new enhancement: a new color she would eventually call “ice gray.” Harris turned to BrightOcular to permanently lighten her dark-brown eyes by having an implant of “thin, flexible, biocompatible, colored, medical-grade silicone” applied to her eyes. The procedure costs around $8,000.

Eyes are sensitive, which everyone knows. Some remembered the horrifying story that made the rounds last year of a Canadian woman who had a similar surgery to obtain green eyes and who claimed that she had become legally blind as a result of her beauty enhancement. (The BrightOcular website says the “patented design of the implant minimizes the risks of prolonged pressure increases in the eye that can lead to glaucoma and blindness.”) Seeing Harris’ new eyes, many wondered, what would compel her to put her vision at risk to become Pecola Breedlove’s fantasy come true?

“I saw that,” wrote a commenter on humor blogger Luvvie Ajayi’s Facebook page, where she lightheartedly tackles all things interesting (and Scandal), including Harris’ new eyes. “There’s no way, because I’d be terrified they’d ruin my vision or something.”

Another person commented: “WTF is wrong with contacts? I’m all for manipulating your looks however you please, but this procedure is hilariously bad.”

Other commenters jokingly compared Harris to a “white walker” from HBO’s Game of Thrones, Storm from Marvel’s X-Men comic books, or the gray-eyed (and scary) children from the 1960 movie Village of the Damned.

Harris’ new look is ... different. Not a choice I would make (full disclosure: My eyes are hazel), but I get it. Harris has had a tough row to hoe when it comes to public reactions to her appearance. Of course there’s the infamous (and uncalled for) Notorious B.I.G. lyrics on “Dreams” in which he rapped, “I’d rather f--k RuPaul than those ugly-ass Xscape bitches.” Ouch. Earlier this year, rapper Azealia Banks took a shot at Harris’ appearance when her husband dropped his single “No Mediocre.”

“U want no mediocre but ... Have you seen your wife?” Banks tweeted. Double ouch. Harris has also been compared to a lovable Muppet. Triple ouch. And there’s been no shortage of bloggers and commenters openly speculating why her husband, largely considered to be exceptionally physically attractive, is with her. Quadruple ouch.

All those body blows lead to my problem with the current round of criticism against Harris. She’s been ripped open for years because of her physical appearance. So why is she—and the many women like her—criticized for undergoing a procedure for something that she feels makes her more attractive? Didn’t the critics want her to fix up, look sharp? Or do they just want to hate?

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: He's Not Getting Me the Engagement Ring I Asked For

Dear Demetria:

My fiance told me to pick out an engagement ring. We found one that we both liked and was within the budget. He asked for specifications and pictures. I sent them to him. I asked if he was going to get it and he said I would get what I wanted. Now I think he got me a totally different ring, which would be fine. But now I feel like he's going back on his word. Help! —Anonymous

As I was reading your query, I fell into the same trap you did for a second. I wondered, "How is he her fiance, but there's no ring?" The truth is, though, you don't need one to be engaged or even married. You need a wedding license. A ring is a romantic gesture. I wasn't focused on the right thing for a second; neither are you. Let's both check ourselves here.

A male relative of mine put it this way:

The concept of a wedding ring has been indoctrinated [into] women as a sign of status/level of love to the point where they poison their relationship by focusing on something that is not important. Marriage is about the everyday, not about what you can show to your girls.

Welp.

If you're calling him your fiance, I'm guessing he has already asked you to spend your life with him and you said yes. I'm hoping that since it appears you've agreed to this, your man is a good guy who has your best interest at heart and wants to make you happy. If he isn't, you've got a bigger problem to focus on than the size, design or cost of the ring he purchased.

I'm going to be optimistic here and guess he's a good guy. If he is, you're focused on the wrong thing. The man you love loves you, too, and is committing to building a life with you. The bottom line here is, "Do you want to marry him or nah?" If you do, stop focusing on the ring.

If he purchased a different ring, it's either because his budget changed or he genuinely thinks you'll like the new ring better. No man who genuinely loves his woman sets out to get her a ring he doesn't think she wants. If your fiance is a good guy, he’s doing his best, even if he makes a detour with the plan. Is it also possible that the potentially new ring is bigger and "better" than what you asked for? Change isn't always bad.

You're talking about getting married. A universal truth held by nearly every happily married person I've ever spoken to is this: Choose your battles. On this one? Your best move is to stand down and smile. You want to marry him? Whatever he produces, your answer is "I love you!" "Thank you!" and/or "Yes!" You will seem entirely ungrateful, controlling and selfish to complain about the possibly different ring. Each of those qualities is a big turnoff that could make a man rethink his commitment.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: Your Man Is Not Your Girlfriend

Dear Demetria:

A man I’m seeing for just a few weeks told me to “just pick me” when I was talking about the difficulty of dating for educated black women. I’m confused because the fact that I was talking to him means I want him to pick me. I’m not sure what else I need to do to let him know I’m interested. Help! —Anonymous

Huh? There’s so much wrong with this story.

Your dating life doesn’t sound like the negative stereotype that you’re complaining about. You’ve been dating a guy for several weeks. You’re talking to that man, on the phone, in person, wherever, and he just told you that he wants you to choose him. Isn’t this absolutely the ideal dating life for any woman of any color, educated or not? I think it is. But you’re so busy harping on unfavorable statistics about educated black women and dating that you completely overlooked the clearly interested man on the other end of the phone or in front of your face who is trying to get your attention. C’mon, hon!

And he’s not just interested; he’s really, like, super interested. How can I tell? You’re having all manner of inappropriate conversations with this guy. You’re complaining to a man—one you’re interested in—about men. That’s salon talk, or brunch chatter or ladies’-night lamenting.

No man, especially one you’re dating, ever wants to hear a woman complaining about men. It’s an enormous, gigantic, huge turnoff. Would you like to hear a guy you’re interested in complain about women to you? Wouldn’t you think it was a sign you’re probably wasting your pretty trying to get his interest? When you do hear it, don’t you think, “If he did less complaining, maybe he’d have somebody”? So, um, you know that’s what the average guy thinks when you complain to him about men.

Read more: here

The Root: "I Got A Tattoo of My Man's Name, He Got My Initials"

Dear Demetria:

"I got a tattoo of my man's name. We were supposed to do this together. He said he would write mine. Instead, he does initials. I'm pissed and feel quite stupid because I think he tried to make it vague. My initials are A.S.K. I asked him why he didn't write out my name. He said, 'It's only for us.' Do I have a right to be pissed?" —A.S.K.

You have a right to feel any way you want. As Bobby Brown once explained, that's your prerogative. But being "pissed" doesn't solve anything. You are still branded with the name of a man who isn't even your husband. You've made a permanent mark on your canvas denoting a man who is temporary in your life and probably won't be around very long. Ouch! I know. But it's true.

If he planned for only you to see him naked in the future, then he would have gone through with the prior agreement. He half-wayed it because, while he likes you, he's keeping his options open for the possibility that this might not work out in the long run. It's not a bad compromise, but he should have told you what he was doing beforehand.

To be clear: This was a bad decision from the beginning. Inking your partner's name on your body shouldn't have been a consideration or discussion until a marriage license was signed and you'd both put a few years into the marriage. Even then, it's kind of crazy, but if both spouses are onboard? So be it. But marking yourself permanently without so much as a ring doesn't even make sense. You can't commit to forever with a partner, but you're willing to commit to a lasting reminder of the relationship on your body? Where, oh where, do they do this at?

I shared your dilemma with some friends online. A woman remarked that her tattoo artist once told her that she hated doing art with significant others' names. Why?

"Most of them end up being covered up," the artist said.

This situation also tells me a lot about your relationship. You're all in and see this as forever ever. Your partner is around for the time being. The communication is also off. You both agreed to do something; he didn't hold up his end of the deal. Instead of telling you, "Hey, I'm uncomfortable with this," he went ahead and did what was best for him and filled you in on the back end. That is not OK.

It sounds like he likes you—if he didn't, he wouldn't have gotten even your initials—but you're trying to push the commitment level of this relationship beyond what he's ready for and in the wrong way. You just found out the hard way that you can't force someone into a commitment that he or she isn't ready for.

Read more: here 

My Evening with Zane, Talking Sex Addiction, G-Spots & Panty Dropping

On September 18, I met up with Zane at The London hotel in New York City to discuss her latest project, the film adaption of "Addicted". Admittedly, I was a little nervous, which is both weird and totally expected. I've interviewed ALOT of A-Listers over the years and never batted a lash, even people I had fan-crushes on (withe the exception of Michael Ealy, in which I dropped my notes during the interview because of my proximity to physical excellence). But for writers (and artists I grew up listening too), I totally fan out, getting all tongue-tied and knocking things over.

When I began my career in book publishing in 2003, Zane was the gold standard for romance authors and an author with her sales were the goal for every editor and publisher. The writers on my roster did just fine in their own right, and together, we racked up plenty of awards and 5-star reviews, but we never made it to Zane stratosphere. She was in her own orbit.

In 2008, Zane released her least-selling book, The G-Spot, which was still highly successful if measured against any author's sales but her own. G-Spot was a well-organized Q&A format and Zane provided answers about sex. Sound familiar? Good. It should. G-spot was the blueprint for Don't Waste Your Pretty (available NOW on Amazon.com and Kindle).

So, yeah. I was nervous. And I told her she inspired my second book as I sipped a glass of Prosecco to calm my nerves. Zane sipped a Diet Coke even though it was her birthday and after I pried in her business, she told me that he sex life was indeed a "10!". We didn't talk about finances. After the interview, we talked shop about the business of being Black authors (full disclosure: we once shared a publisher). She wanted to know how I landed The Today Show in 2011 off of my first book, A Belle in Brooklyn. I wanted to know how she moves millions of books. Trade! At the end of the night, we exchanged numbers.

"If you ever need anything..." she offered.

"I will take you up on that," I accepted.

Check out the article I wrote for The Root about our encounter:

More than a decade ago, Zane, then an unknown suburban mother of three, changed the literary landscape when she self-published her first novel, Addicted. It was the deliciously freaky (and fictional) tale of a woman in similar circumstances, a mom of three, but this one had an insatiable appetite for sex—with three men other than her husband. The book’s success put Zane on the map, and the New York Times hailed the author for “giving voice to a new type of genre fiction: post-feminist African-American erotica.”

Fourteen New York Times best-sellers and two TV shows later, the queen of erotica is headed where she’s never been before: the big screen. The first (but probably not the last) film based on one of her books is Addicted (based on the novel of the same name), which hits theaters Friday. The Rootcaught up with Zane to discuss the sex lives of black women, whether Fifty Shades of Grey bit her style and the lack of mainstream coverage for black writers—unless, in Zane’s case, she’s filing for bankruptcy.

The Root: You self-published Addicted, your first novel, in 2000. Fourteen years later it’s on the big screen. It’s been a long journey to get here. What was the process?

Zane: It’s been a nine-year process. [Film studio] Lionsgate first contacted me [about turningAddicted into a film] in February 2005, but things fell apart. They came back to me in September 2011 while I was filming Zane’s the Jump Off for Cinemax. I said I would do it if we start shooting within a year, and we did.

[video width="560" height="315" id="4LErjzY_wKI" type="youtube"]

TR: How involved were you in the writing of the film version?

Zane: I do write film scripts and all the scripts for the TV series, and I was originally asked to write the script [for Addicted], but I chose not to. Addicted, to me, is one of my babies, almost. The book is about 95,000 words. The script is 25 percent of the word count from the book. The way it ultimately got pulled off is great, but we had to lose a lot. I don’t think I could have accepted that vision myself and see losing what we had to lose and still keeping the overall premise.

TR: Do you have a favorite scene from the film? Anything that will make the audience gasp or laugh out loud?

Zane: There are a lot of good scenes. We really did an effective job making the entire film interesting. There is one scene when Zoe [ played by Sharon Leal] is in a nightclub and spots Corey [Tyson Beckford]. The first time she saw him, they made eye contact. This time she walks by him and just drops her panties in his lap and goes to the ladies’ room. I think a lot of people are going to get a kick out of that. He’s just sitting there drinking a drink, and then panties in his lap.

TR: Addicted pushed a lot of boundaries in its exploration of black women’s sexuality when it was released. How do you think the perception of black women’s sexuality has changed since Addictedcame out?

Zane: I think women are more open about their feelings; they feel more liberated. I’ve had many women in their 40s and 50s tell me that they had never had an orgasm. Reading my books has made them open up enough to say what [they] want. If you really want someone to fall in love with you, the real you, you have to be transparent about who you are. And that includes your sexuality. There is nothing wrong with having desires—everybody has fantasies.

Read the full article: here 

Ask Demetria: Is a BF Responsible for Covering Emergency Bills?

Dear Demetria:

My best friend, who lives with her boyfriend, got into a car accident. Via mass email, she asked all her friends for money to help with the expensive repair. I said to her privately that her boyfriend should be handling that, not us. She called me judgmental and unrealistic, then we fought about my high expectations. In this instance, was I wrong? —Anonymous

It depends. There are two separate issues here. One is your response to a friend who was asking for help; the other is whether her boyfriend is responsible for covering her repairs.

Your response to a friend in need wasn’t wrong per se, but it also wasn’t right. Your girl is in need, and what you were supposed to do as a friend was let her know whether or not you could help, period. Telling her that her man is responsible for her finances wasn’t really your place. It sounds as if you didn’t want to cough up any money—and it’s your right to say no—but instead of just being honest about that, you tried to pass the buck to your friend’s man. That was overstepping the boundaries of your friendship.

Your friend may have asked her man for money and he didn’t have it or didn’t have enough to cover everything. Or maybe he said no to her request, too. After all, as a boyfriend, he isn’t obliged to cover her car repairs—just as you aren’t. The only person financially responsible for the car is your best friend, along with her insurance company. Speaking of which, why aren’t they covering the expensive repairs for her car? (If there was any question to ask your friend, this was it.)

But back to her boyfriend. I find many people these days have husband or wife expectations of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Covering or contributing to a major bill is a spouse duty, not a significant-other obligation. It’s nice when a boyfriend wants to pitch in to help, even though that can come with its own headaches, but he certainly shouldn’t be your primary option for bailing you out of a financial mess. Your man isn’t your personal ATM or a financial plan.

Your friend’s situation is a little tricky in that she and her partner live together, sort of like husband and wife, but without the primary benefits of that commitment. Their situation is a gray area, one in which couples get to pick and choose which traits of a spouse they will take on. This is one of the complications of living as husband and wife without actually being such. It seems that the boyfriend here has chosen not to cover the cost of the car repair as a husband typically would. And that’s fine, since he is, in fact, not a husband.

Read the Full Story on TheRoot.com 

Ask Demetria: How Do I Get My Lady to Trim the Hair 'Down There'?

Dear Demetria:

Is it polite for a man to ask a lady to trim herself “down there”? She really likes me to give her oral, but it’s difficult with so much growth. I’ve hinted about it, but she never seems to get it, and I’m considering the direct approach. Just don’t want to offend her, but I can’t take it anymore. Help! —Anonymous

An April 2014 Pace University survey, “How We Date, Have Sex, and Form Relationships Today,” included a section on the state of hair “down there.” Of the respondents, just 10 percent of men and 20 percent of women said they did no landscaping to their lawns, which I found startling, since questions like yours come up with startling frequency. The report found that the vast majority of people say they trim the hedges, and a third of women say they remove all the “greenery” (0 percent of men said they do), but I’m skeptical. Either folks are lying or the people who encounter the nonmaintenance types are a very vocal bunch—and understandably so.

Hair there is entirely natural and normal. But if she’s inviting you to her yard, she should at the very least organize and clean before you arrive. To not do so is the mark of a poor hostess. You’re trying to be a polite guest, with all the hinting and such, but just as when you visit someone’s home and ask for a glass of water if he or she doesn’t offer, you’ve got to speak up here, too, and let your hostess know what you’d like during your visit.

You’re frustrated that she hasn’t been taking hints well, but try not to let that get the best of you when you make your entirely reasonable request. Ask nicely for what you want—don’t demand—and add how much you enjoy her yard. (People are often supersensitive when anything about sex is critiqued, even when constructive.) Say you would just like a little more landscaping to occur to make your visit more pleasant, and ask what she thinks about that.

Essentially what you’re requesting is a little assistance from her to help you give her more pleasure more often. This should go over without much of a hitch.

A week later, our gentleman was back with a follow-up:

I took your advice, and my girlfriend got very angry. She said I “should be happy to get this [sex] and stop complaining.” Not sure what to do now except maybe get used to it. Unless you have any other advice ...

Seriously? Some people just don’t know which battles to fight, because this should not be one. She has you, a partner who is willing to please, and she won’t make a small concession to make it more convenient? This is a clear-cut case of blocking your blessings!

I respect her right to manicure her lawn how she pleases. But since she’s unwilling to accommodate guests, you should stop visiting.

Read the rest on TheRoot.com

The Root: "Everything You Were Afraid to Ask About Love"

If you ask Demetria Lucas what she thinks, be prepared for a jolt of raw reality. For the past few years life coach Lucas has dished out advice on everything from bad BFFs, falling for your FWB (friend with benefits) and freaky sex at her website, A Belle in Brooklyn, and in her column, Ask Demetria, at The Root.

She pulled together some of her favorite questions, and no-holds-barred responses, for a tantalizing new book, Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love.

The Root: What does the title mean: Don’t Waste Your Pretty?

Demetria Lucas: “Pretty” is shorthand for all the resources that women take for granted in the dating marketplace and often give away to the wrong person. Your “pretty” is your energy, emotional investment, time, listening skills, nurturing, sex, sacrifices, cheerleading, hand-holding, etc. The “pretty” I refer to in the book title is also a resource, but it’s the least important of what you bring to the table. Pretty gets you noticed across the room, but it’s everything else you bring to the table that keeps a potential partner calling and coming back.

TR: A lot of what you teach is old-school values: respecting yourself, protecting your health, your well-being and your money. Do you feel your message about values is getting through?

DL: I do. A lot of women—and men—didn’t get much guidance about how to date or create healthy relationships. They don’t know what they’re supposed to do, or not. They’re just doing the best they can.

I’ve had countless people write in to say they were skeptical of my advice, but what they were doing wasn’t working, so they figured, “Why not try what Belle said? I’ll speak to my mate a little softer. I’ll ask for what I want. I’ll stop looking away when a guy makes eye contact and I’ll smile instead.” And it worked. All people want is results, and if values get that, they’re happy to embrace it.

TR: You credit your parents and their marriage a lot with your ability to sort out the rights and wrongs of relationships. Do you think most women—or most of the women you counsel—are still looking for marriage? Or do they just want a relationship, even if it’s without the ring?

DL: Absolutely, for the vast majority of my readers and clients, marriage is still the ultimate goal. The single ladies want a relationship, then a ring, then a husband and then some kids. The women in long-term relationships still want a ring. The “mothers of child” want to become wives, if not to the father of their child, then to someone. There’s great fretting about the possibility of never getting married. “Just” a relationship is not enough.

TR: When you’ve met some of these women at book signings or other events, what kinds of things do they tell you about the advice you gave them?

Read the FULL STORY on TheRoot.com

Ask Demetria: "I Didn't Buy Her Kids Dinner. Was I Wrong?"

 

There’s been a Facebook photo floating around lately in which a man details an odd occurrence on a date:

I have no idea which group was asked this query, and in all my years—10-plus—listening to dating anecdotes from thousands of people and advising or coaching people through various mishaps, I have never heard of anything like this (and I’ve heard horror stories). But alas, and sadly, there is a first time for everything.

I hope the participants in whichever group received this man’s questions gave him the only correct answers, which are, respectively, “Heck no! You weren’t wrong!” and “Heck yeah! She was asking for too much,” now and in any future situation where the guy isn’t living in the house and/or isn’t officially the stepdad of the children in question.

There’s no way around it: This woman was terribly out of line for thinking this man was her family’s meal plan for the evening. And bless this gentleman’s heart, because he must have really liked this lady to continue the date after she asked that question, and even to contemplate whether he was in the wrong when she line-stepped by catching an attitude.

I’m preaching to the choir, though. I saw this query posted in multiple status updates and various other places around the Internet, and the consensus was, “No, ma’am!” in response to the woman’s behavior. That, and an overwhelming curiosity about why the children weren’t fed dinner before Mom stepped out with a new boo.

I’ll be the first to acknowledge that it’s hard to date as a single mother, but every parent—married or not—that I saw a response from in my timeline agreed: There’s no excuse for leaving your kids hungry while you go out for a good time. Furthermore, if the state of your children’s stomachs is of concern, after he said, “No,” why didn’t Mom pay for the dinners so the kids could eat? If she didn’t have the money, why did she stay on the date with an attitude instead of asking to be taken home to whip up some food for her children? There’s so much about this story that doesn’t make sense.

Read more: here 

NEW in Essence: "My Boss Saw Me Naked!"

 

Alicia* called her boyfriend to tell him she wanted out of their relationship. After all, she was a married mother of three and had only taken a lover to get revenge on her husband, who had cheated on her years prior. Her logic in starting an affair was shaky, but Alicia, 44, had been thinking with her broken heart, not her head. Three months into her side relationship, with a high school classmate she had reconnected with during a chance encounter, Alicia started to send him full nude images, and the pair recorded bedroom romps on video. ”I thought we were having fun and everything would be fine,” she says.

It wasn’t. After a year, the relationship went from sweet to sour. When Alicia called to break things off, he joked about sending the photos and videos of her to her social circle. And her job. And her husband. “I knew him well enough to know there was truth behind the threat,” she says. She was right to be nervous: One in ten former partners threatens to expose risqué photos of an ex online, according to endrevenge porn.org. And 60 percent follow through.

So Alicia pretended the talk of breaking up was a joke too. She spent the next two months pretending to be happy with her boyfriend on the side and feeling held hostage by the evidence of her bad decision. Alicia slowly phased out communication and has made peace with the fact the pictures may still be shared. “This is the situation I’ve put myself in—I used this man for payback against my husband,” Alicia shares. “I allowed it to happen and there’s nothing I can do. If I had it to do over again, I definitely would not have  created photos and videos.”

Usually when sexting and sex tapes are discussed, the conversation is prompted by the latest celebrity “accidentally” baring all across the Internet. There have been several instances: Love & Hip Hop Atlantastar Mimi Faust and boyfriend Nikko Smith found themselves at the center of a media storm this year when their (slickly produced) sex tape was allegedly stolen and sold to porn distributor Vivid Entertainment. Instagram star and rapper wife Amber Rose saw the intimate pics she took splashed all over the Internet, as did Rihanna when the private racy shots she took for ex-beau Chris Brown hit the Web. All the women claimed their pictures or video had been stolen. And all put on a brave face through the barrage of publicity.

Read more on Essence.com

AskFM UPDATE (Again): The (Almost) Complete #BCPills Saga

 

‪‪This the latest update in the ongoing saga that AskFM and Twitter users have deemed, aptly, #BCPills.

A quick recap if this is your introduction to this year-plus long saga:

Guy is paying for BC pills for his lady, discovers she isn’t taking them. Confronts her. She’s four months pregnant. It all goes downhill from there.

You can read the first part of the story: HERE. (Get comfortable. It’s long.)

So.

I haven't heard from #BCPills in a long time. I was launching a book and planning a wedding, so that would easily explain it, I guess. I also haven't had insomnia in a while and haven't been up late, the time when we usually chatted on Twitter.

The last time he shared his life with me (aka us), he and his child's mom had been in a physical altercation after she spit on him twice and he slapped her. He went to jail for a couple weeks for that one. When he got out, he told me his plan was to get full custody of his child for what I think should be obvious reasons to anyone whose followed this story.

Today, I received an email from his sister:

I’m writing you as a favor for my Big brother [redacted]. I’m not sure if you were aware that his court date was Monday.

Things didn’t go as we all would have liked them to. [Redacted] has to do 18 months. He has been charged with domestic violence, resisting arrest, threating/assaulting an officer and disorderly conduct or something like that, still not too sure.

He wants you to know he’s ok and to keep him in your prayers.

 I know my big brother. A lot of the stuff they charged him with is bogus.  He doesn’t bother anybody unless you bother him first. Come on now a black man threating the police? Yeah, right. Or how about him trying to throw his baby mama over the railing. Big lie! 

I don't know what to say at this point, other than he, his family, and his daughter are in my prayers.

August 27, 2014

Also, before you dive in to the latest update, you should know (full disclosure): that I’ve stayed in touch with the guy in question over the last year. We follow each other on social media, and you might have seen us late-night chatting about absolutely everything and nothing over the last few months. I have insomnia and he’s up in the middle of the night feeding his daughter, so there we are.

I “know” him to be a nice guy, one that a few readers have inquired about (to date him) after watching our interactions. I’m very sad about the most recent turn this story has taken, and quite worried about him.

A few days ago, I realized I hadn’t heard from him in a while. When I’m on Twitter, we usually chat throughout the day. I wondered what he was up to in passing, then forgot about it. Yesterday, I got an explanation from the mother of his child:

I know i'm probably the last person you want to hear from and you might not think much of me or think I deserve [redacted], especially the way I stop taking my pills. But I promise I really do love him. I ain't too good at asking for help, but I'm asking cause I might [have] just blew my last shot with him‬

I think this time he is not going to take me back I just need a little advice cause I’m going crazy and I don’t have nobody to talk to [a]bout this. I do love him.

I know I can get wild and go crazy but I'm working on my attitude for real, not just for us, but for our baby. The other week we got into and the lady next door call[ed] the police. They had already said if they come back somebody going to jail.

But I hid his key [because] he’s always trying walk off‬, not talk shit out. I can't stand that and he know that and he still be doing that. So I pushed him and called him a f--k n---a. He push me too.  My push ain’t hurt him so he shouldn't even [push] me back. I ain’t going to lie. When I get mad, I act the fool so I spit in his face and he slap me. When the police came back‬  ‪they wasn't trying to hear nothing by him and we both was going to jail. But he say he hit me and I did nothing so now he got to do an automatic 21 days for DV. He ain't call me yet. I told his ma to tell him I put money on my phone and he aint call yet‬

Why in the world would he call you? No, really? YOU SPIT ON HIM!!!!!

And if I recall, this is the second time you've gone crazy, at least that I know of. Didn't you scratch up his face or neck a few months ago?

So what you don't get your way. So what you're mad. So what you're hurt. F--king deal!!! That doesn't give you the right to spit, or push, or scratch up anyone.

You, ma'am need serious professional help. The father of your child, the man with the good job who pays for everything? He's locked up over you acting a plumb fool AGAIN cause you can't act like a civilized adult and want to put your hands on people. And even after all that wild sh-- you did, he took the blame so your simple self wouldn't go to jail and could stay with ether baby. Are you happy now? ‪

You don't need to be with anyone, certainly not him.

The child is a blessing, but it's so unfortunate that he has that child with you. I'm sick of you creating constant drama and acting a fool and playing the “l'm a victim" and "but I love him". From the time you got pregnant on purpose when you knew he didn't want kids, you've been on a non-stop mission to ruin this man's life. STOP IT. He had sense enough to leave you. LET HIM GO!!!!

You need help so you can stop hurting other people with your own hurt.

I'm disgusted by this whole saga.

I wasn’t the only one. Readers quickly responded to this update. This about sums up the sentiment:

‪Re ratchet spitter: Ratchet Nation at its (un) fineness.... O_o this has to be someone re-enacting something from a VH1 shows. Please tell me this isn't real. The logic is ALL off.‬

I wish. These two have been writing in for a year.

And then she was back:

Ratchet? Sorry, hunty, far from it. Like I said, he was the first one to get in his feelings cause he know he was dead ass wrong for having my baby around the next chick. Let him catch some other n---a holding my baby he will be pissed off‬

Ma'am. YOU SPIT ON SOMEONE. Whether you are ratchet or not isn't up for discussion.

If you're looking for my approval, you won't get it. I'm appalled by your REPEATED behavior.

If I got a problem he do too. Your lady talking to you, you don’t just cut her off talking, “miss [me] with the bullsh—“ and hollering [a]bout you ain’t in the mood to talk. All I ask him was one simple question, “is he and his friend fucking?” He the one got all raw raw and swole up and got a attitude‬

But you're not ratchet?

Ma'am.

‪But anyway, I am done with this. I don't care if his ass don't ever call, but I bet you he won’t have my baby around her or anybody else without child support telling him he can’t see [her]. Believe that. Have a good night‬

I say this with all due respect: you're a bird. Like... I can't even believe what I'm reading in your responses. Your logic is so far off from what's sensible and normal and you don't even know. You even feel justified in your shenanigans.

You spit on him. He's locked up. And you think this is justifiable because he didn't want to be with you. GROW UP, DAMMIT!!!!!

‪Ever since that b---h got out of the army, he been sh--tting on me for her. E very time she call, he jumping. She need a ride, he break his neck to give it. My starter been gone on my car for 2 months, he ain’t fix it yet. I'm the one that got his baby not her. And you play me to the right? You damn right Imma‬ trip. How would you feel if your n---a and his ex slash best friend chilling all up at the park with your baby and her nephew? That shit will look suspect to you too. So hell yeah, I flip. Any woman will. Got this h-- breathing all over [my baby]. So girl, bye. Miss me with all the “oh, I’m drama” sh--.  Whatever, girl. Bye‬

Your starter isn't his responsibility. It's YOUR responsibility. Even if it was, how's it getting fixed now? He just got locked up for 3 weeks. His job is a wrap. With what money is paying for you or your kid?

You see the father of your child moving on, and I'm sure that hurts. You tried to trap him with a kid and he's still not staying. That's gotta hurt. But nothing about the way you're responding to this is acceptable behavior. I don't know what you've seen in life or why you think it is, but it absolutely is not.

You have his baby. You do know that "baby mama" doesn't trump anyone right? Wife does. GF does. There's a reason the title BM only refers to the relationship to the child and not the other adult. It holds very little weight.

Yeah, so no. I get why you're mad. But in NO WAY WHATSOEVER does that justify stealing his keys so he can't leave, or pushing him or spitting on him. YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. You don't get to push people and dictate how they respond. And you don't get to spit on anyone and say it's wrong when you get hit.

Your child's father is moving on. It hurts to be rejected. But from Day One with this kid you've bad decision after bad decision, from throwing out the BC Pills and tricking him with a baby to the time you were tagging him on FB to the other time when you scratched him up.

Ya'll don't need to be together. It's best that he go. He needs someone else and you need anger management. NO ONE SANE is going to put up with your out of control sh--. And the next dude you try that spitting ish on might just Ray Rice you.

And I'm not looking for approval all I'm saying is he is in the wrong to bending over backwards for a chick that aint’ [his]  baby mama, then trying be raw raw on me. If that aint suspect… Aint you going to be mad too? Before she got back, it was all “let’s make this work for the baby”. Now it’s “f--k me” I see‬

Let's make this work isn't a commitment. He's moving on. That's no excuse for you to flip put. NONE. I'm baffled how you feel justified here. You are dead wrong.

‪I don’t know why you get all bitchy with me like it’s all my fault. As good as a read you are, I’mma show you saw where I said I'm not the one that called the police, the neighbors did, and where I said he push me too. So don’t try to play me off like I'm some ratchet chick cause that aint me at all‬”

YOU SPIT ON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. That is the very definition of ratchet.

He pushed you AFTER you pushed him and after you hid his keys so he couldn't leave. <<< that's your version of events.

Should he have pushed you BACK? No. Everyone should keep their hands to themselves, including you. That said, you don't get to put your hands on people, then dictate how they respond to you. You pushed and got pushed. You don't want people touching you, don't give them a PRIME REASON for doing it.

So you have no issues with this bitch trying to destroy my family? I see you like everybody else. You want to see me hurt. You want to break me down. You want to see me cry. But guess what? I’m strong. Yeah, I cried last night but I'm back up‬

Your constant victimization is killing me. It's not everyone else causing problems, ITS YOU!!!

Explain why anyone should root for you right now. Like, really. EXPLAIN!!! You tricked him into getting you pregnant, you acted a plumb fool on social media while pregnant, you scratched up his face once before and now you're hiding keys, pushing and spitting on folks. HELL NO!!! NO ONE with any sense is rooting for ya'll to work.

And if you think he's even considering a relationship with you after getting locked up over your silly shenanigans, you're nuts. You did this to yourself, hon.

5 Lessons in Dealing With a Crazy Ex

My ex broke up my last relationship, but I forgave him and we became cordial. When we were together, he treated me like crap, but in the spirit of forgiveness, I moved on and told him we could be friends but we were never getting back together. He kept spending money on me, insisting that he was doing it from the heart because when he was down and out, I was there for him in the clutch. He then began asking for sex. I said, “Hell no,” and that we were never getting back together.

I went away for four months to study abroad. He would say, “I love you,” “Can’t wait to see you,” “I miss you,” etc. I missed him, but not in the same way. I asked him to pick up things while I was away and told him I would pay him back. I got back; he insisted it was a gift.

Long story short, a guy I fell madly in love with last year (but things never worked out) tried to make things work again. He asked me to be with him, and I said, “Yes.” My ex snapped. I feel bad for hurting him because I never want to hurt anyone. But I told him that we were not getting back together. What do I do? —Anonymous

Sigh. There is so much wrong with this story. I’ll begin with the bottom line: You should move on

with the new guy and stop speaking to your ex for good. The relationship with your ex, the ongoing back and forth, the hazy gray area you’ve both been playing in? All of it is done, unless you want to sabotage your current relationship, too.

Now, let’s go back to the beginning and discuss the myriad bad decisions that led to your ex flipping out. Hopefully you can find the (many) teachable moments in your story:

1. When a guy treats you like “crap” as his girlfriend, you don’t befriend him. It’s one thing to not want to be in a relationship anymore. That doesn’t make anyone a bad person. But the guy strings you along and dogs you on the way out? That is not a friend. You don’t give him the privilege of remaining in your life. He had his shot. He screwed it up by treating you poorly.

2. Forgiveness does not mean friendship. You should forgive the person or people who wrong you. Not for them but for you, so you’re not walking around bitter and angry at someone who may not even care. But there is no part of “moving on” that says you have to forget how someone has treated you and pretend everything is fine. You can forgive and love from afar.

3. Men who aren’t related to you do not make a habit of buying you things just to do so. The vast majority want something in return. Your ex wanted to continue the sexual relationship. When you didn’t respond to him implying it, he straight up asked like you were a prostitute. Any ego stroke you were getting from his attention should have disappeared then.

Read more here.

VIDEO: Belle x Kerry Washington at BlogHer

Remember that time I went to San Jose for the 10th BlogHer convention and I interviewed Kerry Washington?

You do?! Great  There's video. Scroll down.

You don't? A quick refresher. (You can read the full story here):

Shortly after I get settled backstage on Saturday, in walks Kerry. . Frankly, I wasn’t expecting her yet. Most major celebs will pop up at the absolute last minute. That, and right before they show up, there’s usually a sudden flurry of activity with people last-minute prepping to make sure everything is perfect for the celeb arrival. There’s none of that today and it’s  more than an hour ‘til showtime

Kerry just sort of appears with her publicist. She’s dressed Saturday casual in a cute pink top, jeans and sky-high black Loubs pumps. And she gives off the vibe of your best girlfriend, the one who you admire for her grace and always being (or seeming) effortlessly together. We hug “hello” and after greeting the organizers, she perches on the edge of the leather sofa and strikes up a convo with me. She knows about my trip to Panama, and asks if I’m doing Season Two of [The Show], which means she either reads my blog or follows me on Instagram. The person I’ve been studying has also been studying me. Go figure.

We talk a bit about how she’s juggling being a wife and mom. (I won’t give you deets because it wasn’t part of the interview, but I will say that though less guarded than she is in interviews, she’s still guarded. I am a journalist after all, and most celebs don’t trust us.)

There are two speakers set to go on before us. While the first is on stage, I use the downtime to go over my (long) outline. I thought we had an hour, we actually have 40 minutes, including a Q&A with the audience. I need to re-pace, cut out the clutter. I’ve got more than enough time, twenty minutes… or not.

One of the BlogHer organizers comes up to say they’re switching the pace. We’re up next. The second speaker (my blogger homie Luvvie Ajayi) will go after us now. We’ll take the stage as soon as the current speaker is up… in about 3 minutes.

Uh… ok.

The reaction to the interview was overwhelmingly positive. I felt good about it and I’m a hard critic on myself, so I’m going to go ahead and say I nailed it. I didn’t get her to open up about her husband, but there were a couple cute moments where she heard a baby cry in the audience and started looking around. She joked about being a new mother and having an instinctual reaction.

UPDATE: Kerry Washington has spoken:

Either way: there's videoooooo!!!!!! (You have to say video in that sing-songy Oprah voice she does when she's really happy.)

Enjoy!

[video width="560" height="315" id="Kvo1pkGtP9k" type="youtube"]

Black and Blue: Officer Sees Both Sides in the Michael Brown Shooting

 

Last week, seemingly like everyone else, I was discussing the death of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Mo. In a private email chain, I shared some of my un-PC thoughts about Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson’s press conference, in which Jackson alleged that Brown had robbed a convenience store prior to his life-ending encounter with Officer Darren Wilson:

Unless Brown was high—and not on weed, like a hard drug—this did not happen.

Police have said that when Wilson tried to get out of his vehicle, Brown pushed him back into the car, then entered it and began fighting for the officer’s gun.

No sober black kid does that, at least not over a cop rolling up and opening the door. Dorian Johnson’s version that the cop tried to choke Brown through the window is way more plausible. Maybe Brown reached for a gun then. Maybe not. The real story is probably a mix of Johnson’s and the cop’s version.

One of the women in the email chain is a black female police officer in one of the highest-ranked cities for crime. I convinced her to allow me to share her unique perspective and candid thoughts on Brown’s death in exchange for her anonymity.

A black female officer speaks:

“My experience being a black cop is what I imagine it feels like to be a biracial kid. But instead of being half this or half that, I’m half black, half cop. And neither side accepts me.

“As a black woman, I know what it feels like to be followed around in anything from a low-end convenience store to a Saks Fifth Avenue, simply because of the color of my skin. I also know what it feels like to be pulled over unjustly—and I absolutely know it’s not right because I happen to know the motor vehicle laws. I know what it feels like to have a man, who is driving and I’m a passenger, be pulled over unjustly while we’re driving through a white town. So please don’t take this as me not understanding the plight of us as African Americans in this country, because I do.

“However, as an officer, I also know what it feels like to be harassed, assaulted, spit at, cursed at and have unjust complaints filed on me because the man or woman I went after was a fugitive and he or she eluded arrest. Because the group of dudes on the corner were clearly hustling and I moved in to make my arrest. Because I pulled out my weapon on the young man who did not heed my requests to slowly take his hands out of his pockets, to stop running, to stay where he is, to let me see his hands, to put his hands in the air, to put his hands on the steering wheel, etc. Because I was doing my job.

“I happen to work in a city that consistently ranks high in crime. When patrolling, I pull my weapon out every day. Every single day. Have I ever had to fire it at someone? No. And I pray every day that I make it to my 25 years never having to do so.

“It is not my goal to shoot anyone or take anyone’s life. But will I? If it means me going home that night to live the rest of my life, I absolutely will. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. In this job, there are dangers that the average citizen may never be able to begin to comprehend, but that’s the exact reason why I do what I do, so that you, as citizens, don’t have to comprehend those dangers. That is my job.

“When I first heard about Michael Brown’s death on social media, I was disheartened because yet another black youth had been shot. My heart literally aches for these young men and women whose lives are taken, unfortunately, on a daily basis. At the same time, my heart aches for the law-enforcement officer who possibly only did what he or she had to do in order to go home that night, just as I would do, and is crucified for it.

“I can’t say whether Officer Darren Wilson was justified in his actions or not. The information given to the public is still not all of the information. There are way too many facts that are unknown or, at minimum, unreleased.

“One side says that Brown was shot while his hands were up in the air. The other side gives an account of Brown being shot while still in the car, engaged in a physical altercation with the officer while trying to take the officer’s weapon. Who is telling the truth? Is either side telling the truth? I don’t know. We don’t know. I do know that if Brown was feet away from the car and the officer, on his knees with his hands in the air, then no, the shoot was not justified.

“But if Michael Brown was in the car ... engaged in a physical altercation while trying to get the officer’s weapon, then yes, the shoot was justified. If an unarmed person attempts to go after my gun, he or she will be shot. If anyone is bold enough to attempt to get my weapon from me, they are bold enough to use it on me. And I am going home at the end of my shift. I just wish that more people would try to understand that.

Read more on TheRoot.com 

Ask Demetria: He Peed On My Phone Because He Was Mad at Me

My man [and I] got in a heated argument and [it] got pretty loud. Fine. The next day, I was looking for my phone and found it in a weird spot. It smelled like [urine]! I asked my boyfriend about it and he admitted that he [urinated] on my phone because he was mad. Yes!! He said I am overreacting because it still works. The end? —Anonymous

This is a wrap. Done-done. Over. Finito. For good.

If it makes you feel any better at all—and it probably doesn’t, but I’ll share anyway—this is not the first time I’ve heard a variation of this story ... this month. A woman wrote in mid-July to ask this:

Just discovered that the guy I’ve been dating for a couple of months and that I really really really like isn’t “potty trained”!! I ended up bleaching my toilet (and the floor around [it]) while he was still in my living room. That’s how bad it was.

There must be a way around this. Like a movie!! Please, tell me you know a movie with a “potty training” scene or even an article. We could have two bathrooms in our house ... Who am I kidding? What do you think is the nicest way to break things off? Especially as things were going really well ... ?

Now, why she was cleaning his urine off the floor when he was sitting in the living room is still unclear to me. If anyone should have been cleaning up, it should have been him. It’s his bodily fluid.

Since she didn’t mention that he was drunk or ill, we’re left to assume that he was capable of cleaning and, further, that this was no accident done by a person who was physically impaired. This

was just a sober human behaving horribly. And there was no salvaging that situation, either. Why she felt she had to be nice about breaking it off is equally confusing.

In my response to that woman, I guessed that the guy was upset with her about something, probably sex—or, rather, lack thereof—or some kind of rejection. Her story was also not the first time I’d heard of a man urinating as an act of aggression.

Years ago, a friend of a friend was invited to a wedding by a guy she was really into. Post-wedding, on the ride home, the guy asked her to be his girlfriend. She declined. When he dropped her off, he asked to use her bathroom, and he urinated everywhere he could spray up. It was revenge for being rejected.

In the most recent case, I guessed correctly about what the guy was upset about. He’d asked the woman when they were going to have sex, and she told him she wanted to wait until she was in a committed relationship to have sex, which is an entirely reasonable response (not that a woman needs any reason whatsoever to have or not have sex). He was angry. And then, well, he peed.

It wasn’t an accident. Civilized adults who have accidents clean it up as quickly as possible. They don’t return to the living room, mention nothing and leave their mess as a “surprise!” to be discovered and cleaned up by someone else.

Your account of your guy’s behavior is the first time I’ve heard someone urinating on an object—but probably won’t be the last. What kind of adult urinates on things in anger? I’ll tell you what kind: an uncivilized one, the kind you need to run from.

Read the full story on TheRoot.com

AskFM 3rd #DNADad UPDATE: The Return of Bio-Dad

 

TO READ PART I & II of #DNADad STORY, CLICK HERE

After the last update, many of you rightly guessed that wasn't the end of  "Bio Dad". He's back— and he's a bigger ass than anyone could have guessed. The reason he doesn't want anything to do with his son? "It's not part of the American Dream." Sigh.

DNADad asks at the end of every update that we pray for him. And apparently folks have been on bended knee. The tables are turning in DNADad's (and the son's) favor. While you're sending up your prayers, go on and say a few words for Bio Dad too. He ain't right within.

Keep reading to find out why:

DNA/Son, Hi Ms Lucas .I promised I would keep you in the loop. Here goes. I received another email yesterday from my boy's "bio", asking if we could meet for lunch around noon. I agree and asked if I could bring my lawyer along. He agreed in fact he insisted that he tag along.‬

 I really didn't know what to expect. so I tried to mentally prepare myself as much as possible. After exchanging pleasantries we got right down to business. Basically he wants to sign over his rights. I am 99% ecstatic, but there is that 1% that didn't sit right with me so I just had to ask‬.

I ask him how come he's so eager to discard his own flesh and blood. His response blew me away. I can't remember word for word but here is the gist of it:

"Men and women want the American Dream, the house, the car, the dream job, the perfect spouse, 2.5 kids a cat and a dog‬. Along with that dream comes bullsh--, martial probs, lost of funds, aliments and others things. The goal is not to focus on the bad but the American Dream itself. You have to be willing to do what every it takes to stay the course and steer clear of the bullshit. “[Name redacted] falls under bull shit, no offense. I’m sure he's a great kid, but he not apart of my American dream."

Ms. Lucas, he says a bunch of other hoopla, but after hearing him call my boy “bull shit”, I tuned him out. I actually had to. I take a look at my Jack D and thought maybe I've had a glass too many‬…

I swear I felt the hands of God anchoring me to my seat. It took everything within me to not get up and bust this arrogant son of a b---h in the mandible*.

Long story cut: after confirming DNA we will be able to start getting the paperwork drawn up. My lawyer says he can have the ball‬ [rolling] as early as Monday morning . I can't rejoice just yet until the ink is dry on paper work.

Ms. Lucas, I grew up with my Dad so I can't say what it’s like to not have one. I do however have pals that weren't so lucky. I can't for the life of me understand men who abandoned their children‬.

We still have a long road ahead of us in fixing this mess. I will continue to keep you posted. As always, pray for us and I will do the same.

*jawbone. I had to look it up. I know some of ya’ll were like “what’s that?” too. LOL. 

Ask Demetria: Exclusivity Is For Relationships

Dear Demetria:

I’m not in a committed relationship, but I am dating someone (nothing physical). Another guy has asked me on a date, which I accepted. My friends are giving me grief, saying I should date one person at a time and give it a chance to grow. Am I wrong?” —Anonymous

Your friends are good people who are giving bad advice.

Exclusivity is for committed relationships, and since you aren’t in one, you shouldn’t act like you are. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t want you to see other people, then he should offer you a commitment and a title. And so you know, if he hasn’t asked you to be in a relationship, he’s not exclusive to you—and he shouldn’t be. He’s single.

Here’s the thing: What if you date this guy for months, finally ask him, “Where is this going?” and he comes back with, “I like things the way they are” or “I just want to be friends.” Then you’ve invested months getting to know someone who’s never going to be your boyfriend, and you’re left disappointed with no options on your plate. You’re stuck either sticking with a guy who doesn’t want to commit, and maybe trying to convince him to change his mind (pointless), or starting over from scratch after months invested and no commitment to show for it. That’s a waste of your pretty.

Exclusivity is also a resource. One of the many reasons that men commit, other than “just” liking you, is that they see you have a lot to offer. A man knows that if he sees it, other men will notice that, too, and he doesn’t want you entertaining other men.

A commitment is an attempt to keep you all to himself. When you give exclusivity away, you’re giving away one good reason for him to commit. He’s got one of the big bonuses of a relationship (and likely others, too) without actually being in one anyway. What’s the incentive here?

I challenge you to rethink what dating is—not a relationship status but an activity. Your goal while doing this activity is to have fun and evaluate the person you’re dating to see if you actually like him. That’s it. After you’ve spent a few months—you need to see his ups and, more important, his downs—then you discuss a relationship.

When you meet a man, even if you like him, don’t shut yourself off from other men. Keep going out, keep flirting, keep meeting people, and keep going on dates with anyone you find interesting and/or attractive. He is.

Read more: here 

AskFM 2nd #DNADad UPDATE: Bio Dad Denies His Child

NOTE: This story was updated on Aug. 04, 2014. Please scroll to read the latest update. 

NOTE 2: This story was updated AGAIN on Aug. 15, 2014. CLICK HERE 

In many ways, I’ve learned to detach from some of the hard scenarios that come up on Ask.FM. It’s a defense mechanism to keep me from being weighed down all the time with other folks’s problems. But every once in awhile I get caught up. This story stayed with me.

A man wrote in recently to say that he recently found out that his 4-year old son that he had with his girlfriend is not biologically his. A couple of men who read his query weighed in to say that this is every man’s “worst nightmare” realized. As a woman, there’s little chance (barring a hospital mix up) that I’ll ever have to worry if the kid I’m raising is my own. But stories like these come up often enough—this isn’t the first time on even Ask.FM— that men have a valid concern.

The Brother who wrote was hurt more than anything, but also angry and unsure if he could continue a relationship with the child, who to complicate the situation, was calling to ask where he was.

The whole situation was heartbreaking. Take a read of the AskFM exchanges and see how it turned out:

Yesterday, I appeared in court to have a DNA test result read . It turns out the boy I have been taking care of for the last 4 years isn't mine. The mother has to back pay me yet that doesn't make me feel any better. I know men aren't supposed to cry, but everything is hurting even my toenails :(

"the boy" is your son. you've been his father for four years. is it possible to continue a relationship with him, especially as that is what is best for the child (and you)?

terribly sorry to hear what happened to you.

Dna/Son, I want to be there right now it hurts so much. He called me Saturday night (he is so proud that he learned my number the boy wont stop using it :) lol) He wanted to know why I wasn't there to watch him practice like I always am. This really sucks. He's my little man.

Work the ish out with the mom. Forgive her, as hard as that is. Do it for you and the kid, not her. And spend time with the kid. This story of you two being torn apart is breaking everyone's heart.

Please do not exit the kid's life because the mom is trife.

GM, TY for responding to my query. I was trying to be mean by asking for a DNA test because I was upset about our break up. I didn't think he wouldn't be my child. My mother is hurt as well. I lost a son xmas from a hit & run (he was 12). It feels like were mourning all over again :( I want to be there.

Woo damn.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your oldest son. But this kid who isn't biologically yours? You're the only father he's ever known, and he's the son you have... if you want to continue the relationship. The kid is here and he wants you.

You're hurt. I totally understand why. You were terribly deceived. But you CAN ease some of this pain. You would feel a million times better if the kid was still in your life. Tell me I’m wrong.

DNA/Son, Yes Ma'am you are right. I need him in my life. He's my boy. I am afraid that anytime he does something new, I will be left feeling like " Did he pick that up from me or is it a trait from his real dad?" I haven't seen him since the day at court. I'm crashing at my Mother's house.

I get why it matters to you. But in the grand scheme it doesn't, especially if it's a positive trait. Your role is to give him the best that you've got and mold him into a great man. Given our exchanges today, it sounds like you have a good heart and a level head, even when you're hurt. He needs to pick up those traits.

DNA/Son, Forgive me if I seem like some whiny crazed brother that has camped out on your site (If hard expressing my feelings to my friend we don't really talking about things of this nature). My daughters and I went to watch him practice this afternoon in fact just dropped him off an hour ago. His eyes lit up when saw us. He said to me Daddy I'm gonna run super fast and if I get hit, I'm not gonna cry just like you said. I 'm gonna take it like a man. I prayed so much the last few days. If I decided to stay I want to legally make him mine that way his mom can't pull any funny stunts."

I think getting legal rights is really smart. Hopefully, the mom is on board. leave out the "funny stunts" part when you talk to her.

I also want you to know that I'm really proud of you. It's taking A LOT for you to put your feelings aside for the situation and focus on what matters. I thought about your situation several times today. I know it's HARD, but the boy didn't ask for this and you being his Dad is all he knows. He needs you and you need him. I hope this works out for the best.

DNA/Son, lastly (I know you have others that need your help) I received an email this morning from the mom her defense is , She stepped out when we were having problems it was a 1x thing with a guy from HS and she didn't think he was a possible because they air both fair skin and the boy is my tone.

If she had sex with someone else around the same time, it was a 50/50 chance of who the father could be. She should have spoken up when she discovered she was pregnant. The "you two are the same color" isn't enough to reasonably think it's your child.

She has some things that she needs to work out and she needs to work some things out with you as well. I'm glad in the midst of this that you can still focus on what is best for the child.

DNA/Son, Thanks for the time and advice Ms. Lucas. Please keep us in your prayers and I will do the same. Goodnight. 

My take on this is clear from the responses above. But FB reader, Kia Richards, saw it a different way:

"I know this sounds harsh but unless this man plans on being an active part of the boy's life he needs to cut ties and move on. I'm assuming this man will date and move on to find love with someone else. Having the child around means he will have to deal with the ex which may complicate his future relationships. If he was my relative or friend I would suggest that he cuts ties. The mom needs to find out who the father is and make him take a proactive role in the life if his biological child."

What would you advise? 

UPDATE 08.04.14

"DNA Dad" as I've conveniently coined him, is back. He wrote in over the weekend to say that he was going to have dinner with his ex to hash out how they were going to clean us the messy scenario she caused by cheating on him and never mentioning the paternity of their child could be in question. Understandably, he was a nervous wreck. And unfortunately, his flurry of queries came through while I was away from my laptop:

"Good Afternoon, Ms. Lucas I know you might not get this in time. I am on my way to meet the Mother to try and work some things out. I feel real raw on the inside, really raw. I hope I can make it through dinner with a little grace. I just want my boy back in my life. Wish me luck please. :)"

When I didn't answer, he wrote back:

"I am a man that goes before God for guidance and I know as a Christian I must forgive. I think its only fair that I admit that in our six year relationship. She has giving a lot including taking on mother to my 3 kid whom I have full custody. I don't want to paint her as a monster."

I was still out. But when I read this, I kinda new that everything was going to be okay, or er,  as okay as can be in a situation like this.  His ex has made his worst nightmare a reality, and just two weeks later, he's able to recognize the good in her. Actually, I think they're going to get back together down the the line. Between this, and that the great revelation about the child's paternity came about because he was in feelings about their break up shows that there are still a lot of care involved here, at least on his end. If they could both show some maturity and some act right post-fiasco, they may be able to move beyond this betrayal.

"I guess you can tell I'm stalling by all of my rambling and chatter. I didn't think we would be going through this madness at this point in our lives but here we are. Maybe a drink will mellow me out. What do you think? Dinner is at 6."

I was back at my computer by 5:30, just in time to catch him for his last message before he headed in for dinner. He was waiting for me:

"I am about to walk a hole in my tiles from pacing back and forth. I'm meeting the Mother for dinner at 6:00 . My agenda is to work out something where I can have my boy back in my life. I need some encouragement to help me not blow my cool."

No matter what happens, focus on the end goal: getting the kid back in your life.

And be honest with her. You're hurt, disappointed, angry, all that, but you don't think she's a horrible person and you still want the child in your life. Add that you appreciate the sacrifices she made for your children.

She likely still wants you in the child's life, so you know. She's not exactly in a great position here.

I wasn't aware just how accurate that last sentence was. She got caught in a lie. A huge one. The man who's been financially supporting and loving her child may or may not bail, which leaves her child screwed and maybe her too if she's still in love with him.  In the best case scenario, Mom had to call and old beau and inform him years later that she had been pregnant with his kid, and had a child... who she had been passing off as someone else's for four years. If he had any sense, he'd demand a DNA test, which has got to be humiliating to be on the second test to determine paternity of your child. If the alleged biological dad was the actual biological dad (because at this point, her word is no good on this matter) she would have to figure out how to introduce a very confused little boy to his new father and hope New Dad was an active father in the kid's life the way First Dad was. The shit, to put it mildly, was a mess. Add to her stress that she was going to need to pick up the tab on some hefty therapy bills for her son down the line.

Those were my theories. Reality is much worse.

DNA Dad wrote back with a post-dinner update:

"Ms.Lucas, tonight I was a ball of emotions. I felt everything from wanting to smack her, which I would never do, to wanting to comfort her while she cried. The end goal has been met. There is a little boy asleep on my mother's sofa and I'm happily on a pallet on the floor . I don't mind:)

"I will get my son on weekends, I will pick. him up from summer camp or school and drop him home week nights after FB Practice. I'm not sure if it was my place but I Just had to ask her. I asked if the "Bio Dad" knows she informed me that she sent him an email after he didn't return her calls. I asked for his email address which she obliged and I too sent an email . I tried to explain that I am in no way looking to settle a score. What happened between them is in the past. My concern is for my boy. I invited him out for a drink so we can talk as men. He declined.

"Instead,  I was replied to with this: "Listen, man I told [redacted] and now I will tell you. I ain't in no position to take on no extra kids. What happened between [redacetd] and I should have never happened. I was in a bad space. I have now since fixed my marriage. We are doing great . Please just drop this. I think its best if we all just move on. I have two kids now which includes a 4 year old. My plate is full. Whatever you need me to do, let me know so that we can resolve this matter quickly and quietly."

This just became a verse (or three) of Trapped in the Closet. The guy she cheated with was married?! Has a four-year old?! Doesn't want anything to do with the kid?! And isn't telling his wife sh-- about it?!

The horror! The horror!!!!

Ok, back to DNA Dad:

"Did you catch that he called my boy a MATTER? I am going to save the email. I have been doing some research the last few days. I found out that if I can prove that the "Bio Dad" has abandoned his child, then I can get his rights terminated. I think this email alone proves that this guy is a huge douchebag. Monday morning, I will be getting a family lawyer."

Sounds like he is serious about getting custody of his son, not just talk, ACTION!! I wish them all the best, even the Mom.

Good night, Ms. Lucas .There are no words to thank you. Thank you doesn't do justice I am forever in your debt. We have a long road ahead and if its ok with you, I will like to keep you posted on how things are progressing. (Sorry for the million queries.) Again, pray for us. I will do the same. 

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