The Miseducation of Belle

Rachel, a friend, somewhat recently quit a high-powered career in television to become a teacher. When she announced the decision, we all that it was noble, and highly necessary (If you’ve ever listened to teenagers talk on the train or bus, you know just how bad we need good teachers in the classroom.) Then Rachel announced that she was going to teach… high-schoolers…. in Brownsville (for non-New Yorkers, think of the worst neighborhood in your city. Done? That's Brownsville.) At that point, we thought Rachel had lost her damn mind.

Right before she stated her tenure, she announced that she would blog about her experiences as a high school virgin (teacher) and I told her she shouldn’t just blog, she should write a book, which she has promised to do whenever she has the time. I had a brief experience working in New York City high school many years ago and mostly was appalled by how some –not all—of the kids behaved and worse, what they knew. Listening to Rachel’s stories lately, I know not much has changed.

Rachel teaches varied subjects, but more than that, she teaches the kids practical life lessons and information that they need to know. I ran into her at Andre Harrell’s fashion expo last week and she told me about a recent classroom experience where she decided to test her kids’ knowledge of sex. She’s planning a blog on this (again, when she finds the time) so I won’t give all her story away here. But she told me that in a poll of her students, 80% thought a woman couldn’t get pregnant if she was on top. In another poll (how many hands raised) an entire class of high school children thought you couldn’t get HIV through anal sex. Explains a lot about teenage pregnancy and rising HIV rates, doesn’t it?

I thought back about the information I had about sex when I was that age. I went to a relatively open-minded Christian school where safe-sex was taught by the gym teacher. It was usually the last 10 minutes of the class when we’d finished volleyball or basketball or golf. She would gather us up on the bleachers or the grass depending on where that day’s class was held and talk to us about whatever she thought we needed to know. I remember her talking to us about HIV and she told us that only men could give it to women. Her actual statement: “how the hell is a woman going to give it to a man?” Pause. A shake of the head at what the world was coming to. Then she told us to always use condoms anyway because there was a lot of nasty stuff out there and you could get it from people who looked clean. We nodded and were sent to the locker rooms to shower and change.

Her misinformation stayed with me for a long time (longer than I’d like to admit). And it wasn’t until I was well into my 20s taking my first HIV test and had a nurse asking me all sorts of random questions that I realized my gym teacher had misinformed me. I asked the nurse, “If I got it, I can give it to a man?”

I guess it wasn’t the stupidest question she’d heard that day. She nodded matter-of-factly. “Anybody with it, can give it to anybody else through unprotected sex. You should always use a condom.”

Condoms. Always. Check. I remembered that.

Shortly after the gym teacher had misinformed us, some of the girls had questions about the “nasty stuff” that was out there. It was too cold to do outside activities and the gym was under renovation. So Gym Teacher made a list, tore it into a bunch of pieces of paper, put it in a hat, and told us to pick. We were each assigned a topic that had to do to with sexual health and would study and present it to the class. For the next two weeks, we’d spend our gym periods in the library researching.

I chose STDs. Interesting topic. I compiled a ton of research about everything I could find (I’ve always been a bit of an over-achiever) and took it home to sort through.

My Dad found my research lying on the kitchen table. He was livid. This was not the kind of information that nice girls studied and he forbade me to do a presentation on the topic. He was afraid I would get a stigma as a loose girl for talking about sex in front of my class. I thought his take on the matter was stupid at the time, so I told him I wouldn’t do it, and kept researching anyway with all intents of presenting. I was excited about my topic, thoroughly fascinated at all this information everyone had neglected to mention to me.

The day I was to present, I was third on the list. The first guy got up and did a half-assed rant debunking the myth of “blue balls” (my teacher: ladies, there is no such thing. So if he’s trying to pressure you into sex because his balls will hurt, tell him to get a better line or go to the bathroom and take care of it himself.) The second presenter’s topic was pregnancy prevention. She showed the birthing sequence of The Miracle of Life when a 7lb kid comes raging out of a woman’s body in all of its naturally gory, zoom-in glory. Not quite condoms or birth control, but an effective deterrent nonetheless. (My teacher: ladies, this is what happens when you have unprotected sex. Use a condom.) She rewound the tape (this was the before DVDs took over) and played the scene again. To this day, I am terrified of getting pregnant because of that tape.

We were too thoroughly grossed out to continue that day. My presentation was delayed until the next class, the following Monday. Over the weekend, the weather broke, and we had our first 60 degree day in a long while. On Monday, we played golf. I never got around to presenting (neither did anyone after me) and I pointed it out to my teacher toward the end of the semester. I was afraid I wouldn’t get an A in her class. (The theory in my house: It’s one thing to get a B in Algebra, but you have to be entirely stupid not to get an A in gym.) She told me to forget about it, that she would give me my A because I participated in everything else, and she knew I’d done a lot of research.

Case closed. The grade was all I really cared about anyway. So I kept the knowledge, never shared it with the class (I wonder when they learned about it) and went on with life. That gym class was the last time anybody ever discussed sex- and its consequences-- with me. Everything else, I discovered on my own through either research (I’ve always been good for looking things up) or not too unfortunate trial and error.

I tell you this long-ass story to make this point (in case you didn’t get it): Parents (and Aunts & Uncles), talk to your kids about sex. There’s a lot of misinformation out there.

Angry Black Women

As far as I'm concerned, Boiler Point is MTVs best show. I am a woman with a relatively short fuse and I can empathize with people who go off. I was watching the show Sunday night and they presented four scenarios that would have me spazz in less than 5 minutes. As was, I was sitting on my couch near boil.

First up, a guy is scalping tickets for $50 a piece on the street. As soon as the people buy them, someone comes around the corner and says they're fake. To win, you have to not flip out on dude for 11 minutes. I'd be eliminated in under 3. Next scenario, a couple or pair goes to the restaurant and the guy next to them is wasted and keeps interrupting them. For 15 minutes, they have to sit through his antics, which include repeated toasts, coming to sit at their table and standing on a chair at their table. Repeatedly people ask the waitress to switch tables away from the drunk guy and she's like, ''what's wrong? I don't see a problem.'' I'd give myself 5 before I flipped on her or walked out.

Next up, you go to get your car washed for $20. They sudsie it all up with what they tell the people is paint eating soap and then refuse to wash it off till you pay another $95. The rinse apparently isn't included in the price. I think folks were supposed to not flip for another 15. I'd have to assume the person telling me this nonsense was some sort of mental patient so I probably could have made it a good 10 without spazzing... if the manager wasn't such a dick. He kept telling people, ''it's not my problem.'' He's lucky somebody didn't get in their car and run him over.

The last scenario was the only one with Black people reacting. This random chick goes to a beach with a tub of beer, she sits close to other folk, opens one, sips, then asks the people next to her, a Black pair, if they can watch her things while she jets off elsewhere. She promises to come right back. While she's gone, beach security rolls up and accuses the watchers of having open bottles. She asks for their ID, ignoring the girls' protests that it's someone else's beer, and calls for back-up. The chick returns, sees the mayhem over the beer, and denies it's hers, accusing the watchers of having the beer. These people have to not go off for 12 minutes to win. I'd give myself maybe 2 minutes after the chick returned before I flipped (so that's what 7 minutes?) I'm not going off on the cop. But lil’, lying drinking girl woulda at least something thrown at her.

I got mad watching the show and I really had to think about where all this rage was coming from. I've been spazzing lately. Recently I called out a loud-talking chick in the movie theatre and was like, 'uh sweetie, we can all hear you (and a swirling index finger for emphasis). Can you pipe it down, please?'' I didn't use my most polite tone. And I tried to just ignore her. It's not like she meant to disturb everyone in a five seat radius, but she did. And the longer I said nothing the more pissed, I became. I had to mini-spazz on her or else I was going to pop! (For the record: my comment was met with a whispered chorus of thank yous.)

While I was immersed in thought on my anger, I noticed I wasn't alone. I was in the changing room at Macy's overhearing one hyper employee talking to another one about something that had happened in her personal life. The conversation and reaction were so standard, that it took me to a second to get that she was near-flipping over relatively nothing. There was another Black woman arguing in the perfume department. On the escaltor behind me, another angry Black woman.

There are a lot of really angry Black women out here, I thought. It doesn't apply to all of us, of course, but enough than to be more than just a stereotype.

The question is... why? This can't be healthy and it’s not just the Holiday season. What has got us so mad, you think?

Girl & Boy

 

It's Holiday season. Belle's in re-runs til Saturday. Enjoy "Season One" (i.e., posts from the original blog on MySpace)

Boy: babe? Girl: babe Girl: bay-be Girl: bebe Girl: bay-bee Boy: good mood i see Girl: bah-bee Girl: that last one was french Girl: lol Girl: yes? Boy: u got some didnt u? Boy: u lil harlot Girl: got some from where? Girl: can you pick it up somewhere? Girl: they selling it now? Boy: they been selling it.. oldest profession Girl: men? Boy: i got a pocket full if u wants some Girl: lol Boy: u can get it 4 cheap Girl: like the clipse? Boy: exactly Girl: how much? Boy: for you? a coke and a smile Girl: like white lines? Girl: or soda? Girl: you know i'm drug-free Boy: me 2 Girl: i'm worried though Girl: like it's so cheap Girl: i like a discount, but i don't like poor quality Girl: i'd rather pay more for better service Boy: i hear u, i can give u a trial pack.... is 6 months usage good? Girl: that'll work fine Girl: what is the shipping and handling fee? Boy: a cuddle Girl: i gotta cuddle? Boy: lol Girl: does it work without cuddling? Boy: it works with a whistle, babe Girl: a whistle? Girl: like you blow... Girl: oh, you are a pig!!!!! Boy: not what i was saying Girl: yeah right Boy: saying it can work as easily as u can whistle Girl: oh Girl: ok Girl: that better be what you meant Boy: who's the piggie? Girl: oink! Girl: i'm a dirty minded piggie Boy: are u talking dirty 2 me? Girl: i don't talk dirty Boy: you will Girl: will i? Boy: sure will.. if i have to do with it Girl: what is it with you and this dirty talk? Boy: maybe just in a dirty mood Boy: but i'm all for that cuddly goo Boy: u seem to be opposed to cuddling Girl: eh... Girl: pre-okay Girl: post-depends Boy: who cuddles before, unless ure watching tv or something? Girl: exactly Girl: it's the warm up Girl: cuddle and talk Girl: then... Girl: after everyone is hot Girl: too hot to cuddle Boy: yup Boy: and dirty side is only if the mood is right Boy: the energy is there Boy: but a lil dirty talk does go a long way Girl: i wouldn't know Girl: i don't have a dirty side Boy: u've never been taken there Boy: not even biggums Girl: hee hee hee Girl: well, i don't have much of a dirty side Boy: we all do somewhere Boy: just a matter of finding it Boy: if ur biting chains and barking orders, u surely can add a dirty word or two to ur vocals Girl: i tell you too much Girl: you shouldn't know about the biting chains Girl: hey, how do men feel about receiving orders? Girl: good thing? Girl: bad thing? Boy: depends Boy: at times it can throw u off Boy: think also depends if its an order, a subtle hint, a pre or post suggestion Boy: but over ordering can be annoying Girl: hmmm Girl: i heard men in their 30s take direction well Boy: so what u want me to do, ma'am.. lol Girl: lol Girl: i think i get specific Boy: shut up Girl: i won't say that. Girl: i'll just kiss em to shut em up Boy: no, the shut up is me telling you Girl: lol Boy: it's a fine line between help and distraction Boy: hopefully if i ever make it to the promised land of [amelda] the line will be smooth Girl: you are a nut Boy: have an affair, act like an adult for once Girl: having an affair is acting like an adult? Boy: it's a jay-z rhyme Girl: i'm not a hippity-hopper Boy: oh lord

New Rule: No Hollering Before 11

Okay, so I know men think it’s their God-given right to holla at a woman anytime they see fit, but damnit, it’s not. I figured out a long time ago that the holla is less about men getting to know me and more about him doing the verbal equivalent of grabbing his dick and re-proving his heterosexuality to his boys with lustful yelps and not quite witty lines. But for the love of all woman-kind, can ya’ll stop hollering before 11am?

Give me a chance to get really awake, to settle into my day and plan out the next 10 hours, to at least get some coffee in me. I mean damn, 9:30 am and you are that lustful? They got to have pills for that. Better, just ease out a good one for free before you leave the house in the morning the way you do for a big date. All that energy in the AM makes you just seem too eager. Round-the-clock bravado sounds desperate and it tells everyone in ear shot that if you are that revved up off the sight of a woman then you’re certain to cum quick. That, or you just got out and /or ain’t seen none, smelt none, tasted none in months.

I was walking to work this morning, just turned the corner, but still very much on my block. It’s better weather today than yesterday, but it’s still cold. I got my mittens and my earmuffs on. I see a black truck sitting mid-way down the block. It has tinted windows. Nice rims, I think and go back to lolli-dolly dreamland. After all, it’s 9:30 am and I’m only half awake. The passenger-side back window rolls down.

“Hey, girl, let me borrow them earmuffs!” a man yells from the truck.

Is this his best line? I know it’s early, but still. And from a car window? Not even the driver or damn, the passenger? The grown man they made sit in the kid seat?

“NOOOOOO!!!!” I shout back loud enough for half the block to hear him get turned down. I never break stride.

“Why you got to be so mean?” he bellows down the block after me.

He interrupts my early morning with a stupid ass question and I’m mean? I keep strutting (cause that’s how I do) and it dawns on me, shouldn’t he be at the office or on his way? If he spent his time looking for work instead of looking at women, he might one day make enough money or gain enough respect to ride in a grown people’s seat upfront.

Oh, and because I believe some men genuinely think the holler is a way to meet women (and impress their boys at the same time), I want to tell them that 1) it’s not. And 2) there are some other times when should just leave women be (this goes for approaching them to speak sensibly too.)

When I am walking down the street with a bunch of white people. Either they are my friends or my co-workers. If they’re friends, I probably don’t date Black men anyway. If they are co-workers, than I’m on the clock. It’s hard enough being the Black woman in the office. Don’t turn me into a sex object in front of colleagues.

The beauty salon. I’m getting did. I’m busy. Speak to me (not holla) when I am done.

Anytime, I look mad. I hate it when men say/yell ”smile girl!” For fucking what? How you know I didn’t just get a horrible diagnosis or maybe my dog died. If I look angry, I probably am. Leave me alone. (Note: I had bronchitis for 5 weeks. You know dudes would holler in the middle of coughing fits? Like I can’t talk and I’m clearly diseased… and you want to kick game?)

I’m reading. I am engrossed in something I enjoy. If you were really that fine, my sensors would have gone off. My book is more important than you. Look, don’t speak.

Uptown Saturday Night

In an effort to help out with my overly-hectic schedule and appease the blog gods, who require a sacrifice of one blog each day Mon- Fri., one of you—Gym Nazi, in fact—graciously submitted a very Belle- worthy blog.(The rest of you should feel free to do the same. We’re a community, dammit!) A thousand thanks to him, ‘cause ya’ll were not getting one today otherwise.

Saturday night, I was out in Harlem with a gang of folks celebrating my boy John's b-day. There were drinks, wings, and the fight (Mayweather, baby!), bowling, and talking shit, i.e. a great night. The fun continued from the bowling alley to some random hose party, then finally to IHOP on 135th. There are 9 of us seated at 2 tables—at least there are until John leaves for an unknown Harlem locale to pick up a woman, promising to return shortly.

We’re trying to wait for John to return before we order since it’s his birthday celebration. So to pass the time, we all chat idly. At my table, the topic of who pays for the bill on a date comes up. Gerald presents this scenario to Wilma, "What if a waiter slides the check to you first? Would you pay?"

Wilma ponders the idea for a moment. "Is this a first date?"

Gerald nods. "Yeah, it is, but in general would you pay?"

She shrugs. "Not a problem… if it’s not a first date, of course.” Pause. “And I’ll happily pay if I asked him out.”

John finally returns with his “friend” Shauna (40 minutes later) and introduces her around to the crew. She’s a very attractive sista, and every dude held that same “DAMMMMN!!” look (dudes you know that look). After we meet her, she saunters to the other table and takes the seat next to my boy’s. He parlays with us for a moment and I resist the urge to dap him up on his latest acquisition. I’m trying to figure out exactly what she is – she’s new, so is this potential wifey? A J.O.? He's bringing her out at 3am. Gotta be a J.O. Then again, she's meeting all the crew, including the girls. The J.O., especially a new one, would never meet the friends at any hour. Must be a PoW (potential (of) wifey). Hmmm.

We order, we wait, we eat and then bill time comes. The waitress informs us that the checks will have to be divided individually because this IHOP doesn't take different cards on a large check (you know Black people never carry cash.) She hands all ten of us our separate checks and nine of us proceed to pay.

John takes his bill, reaches into his wallet, and pulls out a $20 to cover his meal, plus tax and tip. Check paid and stomach full, he relaxes back in his chair without a care in the world.

Shauna’s bill is resting on the table. She is looking at it the way a woman looks at a small insect (not roach) that has invaded her home—part fear, part curiosity. She stares, and stares and stares at the paper print-out for what seems like an eternity. I guess she finally realizes that John is not reaching back into his wallet for her, so eventually she goes into her pocketbook and fumbles for some singles or a ten, anything to pay for her own damn food. She settles her bill and looks off into the distance. Clearly she is pissed. (Me and my boys laughing at her from the other table hasn’t helped matters, I guess.) I feel bad for her, but now I know the right answer to my question.

When we leave the restaurant, the Brooklyn crew, who are copping a ride back to the borough with John, give John and Shauna space to walk ahead of us as we follow them to John’s truck. We’re far away, but not so distant that we don’t hear Shauna hiss at John, " I can't believe you acted like such an asshole. I'm soooo embarrassed!!!"

I figure it’s gonna be a long time before we get back to Brooklyn. This sista is about to flip and he’s going to have to drop her wherever she came from in Harlem before we head to back to BK. Maybe she is-better, was--a PoW. J.O.'s play thier position. and this sista is about to spazz. I debate whether if time-wise it would be more sensible to just take the A train and knock-out till I get to my spot.

Shauna gets in the car, taking the passenger seat. Reluctantly, we pile in the back. I’m only half-way paying attention, but when I become fully alert, I realize we’re on the West Side highway, headed to BK at 5:30 am—no detour.

I chuckle to myself and settle back to knock out till the truck pulls in front of my house.

Actions speak louder than words. Jump off. Definitely.

They're Baaa-acck

Monument built. Hanging gardens hung. Mystery of Stonehenge is a work in progress, as is solving world peace.

I’m a little spastic today. This happens when I have too many ideas and not enough time to write them. They start to jumble together and I get real random.

Oh, and I may as well put this out there now: You’ve been spoiled. When the blog was at the old site, I used to post every 3 days. I’m posting 5 days a week now. And frankly, I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the pace. So there are going to be some cutbacks. At the very least, I’m going to talk about other things than relationships (The blog overlaps with the ten-to-six. I need to save the good topics for the job.) I am killing myself to get you full stories everyday. At best, I’ll try bringing in guests again to give me some relief and make sure you have something to read—especially the Canadians.

So, on to today’s blog.

I took the train home later than I usually do last night. A man got on with a bouquet of flowers for his lady. Another man complimented him and they joked briefly about the woman’s reaction. (Imagine shrieking on the train, followed by uber-masculine laughter.) The man looked 38 was actually 53. But that has nothing to do with today’s post.

For some reason, this exchange got me to thinking about the past, in particular my exes. When I was much younger and mourning the departure of some boy who’d abruptly walked out of my life and broken my heart, my mother told me this:

“They always come back. You be a lady and they’ll always come back.”

Mama told me the truth, but she neglected to add that they all come back…at once and when you least expect them. Over the last month, I’ve heard from every significant other* of any significance except Big (which is for the best. If he called, I would immediately fall out and die from shock alone.) They didn’t want anything—or it seems that way so far – other than a response. No rekindling flames. No walks down memory lane. Just simply a recap on what’s happened in my life since we parted ways.

Consistently, they all say I turned out exactly as expected, which is a little surprising as I dated 2 of them before I even knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (ie, a writer/editor). Apparently, I’ve always been work-driven and focused to the point of alienating my SOs (ouch) so they knew I’d achieve whatever dream I set forth. And all of them remembered me pontificating away about relationships. (My high school ex remembered my senior thesis—a collection of short stories about... relationships.) Anyway, here’s how the former SOs—at least 3 of them- turned out. Out of respect, I won’t mention #4, the most recent.

Avery: He hit me via MySpace last week. In high school we dated for a little under 2 years or a little over. I can’t recall anymore. He broke up with me on my 17th bday and his best friend laughed in the background. It was the summer before I went to college and he was still in high school. It wouldn’t have worked, anyway. I don’t think I even cried. He was my first BF and there was a time when I lived or died for him, hung on his every word. We had the exact same sense of humor and he encouraged my neuroses. Even now, thinking of some of he dumb ish we said and did makes me laugh. Anyway, we met in prep school; he was a freshman, I was a junior, but there was only a year’s age diff. between us. He lived in a mansion, his father was the pastor of a huge, prominent church. One year for Xmas, his Dad bought his Mom a Lexus and put a bow on it. He’s a rapper these days of the 50 Cent variety—all gangster, guns, and glory. I have no clue where he draws his material from. Oh, and he has a kid by a woman we went to high school with. Go figure.

Scott: He called me out of the blue a couple weeks back to tell me he was moving back to NY. He was teeny when we dated. Like 5’7, maybe 150lbs. He was a die-hard romantic, used to write me the most beautiful poetry a man could ever write a woman. He used to walk me to class and carry my books. Great guy. We broke up partially because we had to do a long –distance relationship for the summer (I was in MD, he was in NYC.). And partially because he wore taps on his shoes when I was going through a flats phase (He was too short for me to wear heels.) I hated the way his Durangos clicked-clicked-clicked when he walked. (I was 18 and very shallow.) He was a biology major and aspiring doctor. One day while we were dating, I sat him down, told him he had a brilliant mind and way with words and he should switch to English. I found out years later that he did. He’s now a senior producer at CNN. Oh, and he’s a bodybuilder now, always posing in his MySpace pictures in skimpy red draws. (Pause. Let it marinate.) His arm is literally the size of my thigh.

Thomas: He found me on MySpace. Hit me to say hello last week. I read his profile and it says “Proud Parent.” HUH? I dated him late in my college years and all through grad school (those of you who pay attention will figure out who this is. I’ve talked about him before on here.) He wasn’t even on my radar the day he came up to me senior year and gave me a rose at a club. I thought it was sweet. (I found out later that he’d actually bought it for my best friend, and his boy talked him into giving it to me because his boy thought I was cuter.) He gave me a ride back to our dorm, walked me to my door, then called me 10 minutes later to ask to use my microwave. We talked until sunrise—at which point he abruptly left. (Months later I found out he went to throw up. He’d heated up a sandwich with mayo on it that had sat out all day.) I can’t tell you how we broke up because I’m saving that for Part 2 of another blog (pay attention!). He’s now the father of one of the cutest little girls I’ve ever seen in my life. He put his artistic passion aside (music) to go the stable route and followed in his mom’s footsteps. Professionally, he does what she does for a different company. It’s a nice, stable job with benefits and he’ll probably work there until he retires in 40 years. Everything about him, I saw coming –except for the kid—which is partially why I ended it 2 days before the new year. I was willing to sacrifice almost everything to pursue my dream. He didn’t support his own dreams—much less mine. The other part? Irealized he couldn’t make a decision without consulting someone.

It was good to hear from my exes and I’m glad my mom was right. Each of them taught me a lot about life and myself and for that I am thankful. All that said, I’m more glad that they each of them are exes and not presents.

 

*As usual, names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty.

Duty Calls: Putting it in Perspective

So there's not going to be a real blog today.

Reason One: I wrote an ill blog about exes on my phone on the way to work. My phone died before I could save it and I'm too pissed to re-write it.

Reason Two: Around 2pm, one of the higher-ups sticks her head over my cubicle and says, "uh, D?"

Oh no. Today is the first slow day. I've finally stopped feeling lost and running into my boss's office every five seconds to ask basic questions. I'm enjoying my brief period of coasting and this new feeling of being finally found. By her tone, I gather that I'm still lost, i.e., I fucked up.

"Yes?"

In so many words she asks, "Can you build another pyramid and some more hanging gardens, solve the mystery of Stonehenge and accomplish world peace?"

Being the dutiful newbie trying to prove my worth, I take it all in, nod, and say, "of course I can. But you don't need it by today, right?" I'm guessing I can do all this by Monday if I skip out on tonight's birthday dinner for a friend, the impending after party and stay home to write and research the entire weekend. I mean I'm a Black woman; I can do anything, right? (Cue Alicia Keys "Superwoman" now.)

She laughs at my naivety. "Of course, not. If you can get it done by first thing tomorrow, that would be great."

I sit for a moment and take it all in. In the split-second I feel overwhelmed and unable to rise to the occasion; I get an AIM from a friend at my old job. "You will not believe this shit," it reads.

The person goes on to tell me about that morning's staff meeting. Apparently as part of the company’s latest Save the Dusky Natives in the Third World charity campaign, they announce a decision to make and send stuffed llama toys to children for Christmas. Never mind that the impoverished country they are sending stuffed llamas to is Muslim. (This isn't even the good part.) After the employee meeting, the higher-ups excitedly tell the staff that they've brought in unstuffed llamas and stuffing so that the staff can make their very own stuffed llamas to send to the third world country. Everyone to the small conference room for mandatory stuffing!

I am hysterical reading this AIM exchange. I laugh so hard I get tears.

My ex co-worker is outraged. "Llamas, D. Fucking llamas. If the children are impoverished, then they need food, shelter, clothing, shoes, books, education, healthcare. But we're sending them fucking llamas?! Llamas."

Llamas!

I put it all in perspective and realize that I am blessed to be asked to re-create 2 wonders of the world, solve mysteries that have eluded deep-thinkers for years, and save humanity from itself. There are high expectations here. I welcome them. Things could be worse. I could have a master's degree and been sitting at a table stuffing llamas.

I'm going now so that I can accomplish the impossible by 10am.

Good night.

The People Upstairs, Part 2

 

PART 2

When I first moved into this apartment , I went upstairs to introduce myself. There are only 3 apartments in my building and I’m from the South, so this seemed like the proper thing to do. I discovered the husband, a black lawyer, is married to a teeny Japanese housewife/artist and they have a daughter . They were nice and their apartment was huge and sparely furnished. The more room for the munchkin- -about five at the time-- to run around in, I guessed. The furniture they do have is heavy and rustic and amazingly suited for their sprawling living room, which is the size of my entire apartment. (They have the entire top floor.)

Anyway, I introduce myself and I never see them again except for the rare encounters in the hallway where we give each other brisk hellos. I never hear from them again until one night almost a year later when I’m washing my hair in the sink and I hear what sounds like a country thunderstorm occurring in my living room.

WTF?

I look up at the ceiling wondering if it’s about to fall in. Then I hear a scream. No words. Just a scream. A primal scream of anguish, but not distress. And then another one. And then a man’s voice, but I can’t make out the words. Then another rumble.

WTF?

A long silence.

I debate calling the cops. I mean, he must be hitting her, right? I don’t want to get in other folks business, but I’m not going to let some woman get her ass beat in my building and just do nothing. She’s a little woman. He’s not that big, but still, he’s a man.

I can’t figure out what’s going on, so being the almost-official New Yorker that I am, I decide to mind my business. I go back to the kitchen to rinse out my shampoo. Mid wash, I hear a man yell, “Stop tearing up the house! Stop it!” It takes me a minute to identify it as the man upstairs. I’ve seen him. He’s black. But there is no base in the voice I’m listening to. All Black men have bass, right? Is that… the husband?

It has to be. I stand upright and as the suds run down my neck , it hits me. “Did that bitch throw the furniture?” I do a mental recap of their apartment and decide that yes, it was the chair that went rumbling across the floor. That’s the only thing that would make that much noise.

She starts shrieking gain.

“Put the knife down, [Wife]!,” the husband yells. (Their kitchen window is above mine and I can hear all conversations they have in there with alarming clarity.) “Put the knife down!” I hear a noise I can’t identify. Another scream. “I don’t care if you’re not stabbing me. Don’t stab that either.”

Maybe I should call the police to protect him? More long, loud screams. Some words I can’t identify, but something about she broke the digital camera, some vases and dishes. Then I hear their daughter crying. Then more primal screaming as she seems to be moving further into the living room.

I go into the hallway to hear them better and ring my across-the-hall neighbor’s bell. We sit on the stairs and listen to the people upstairs, debating whether it’s serious enough to call the cops.

Madgie is a lot more world-savvy and jaded than me. “They just threatening to fight," she determines in less than 60 sexonds. "If someone was going to attack, they would have done it by now.”

We listen some more and try to make out what the argument is about. The wife doesn’t speak English very well, but from what we can tell, some woman called the house looking for the husband. She thinks it was a mistress, which he denies. He says it’s a co-worker. But it’s the same woman who called when he was at the old job and they were living at the old house. How did she get the new number? And this isn’t the first time it happened. He tells her to go back to Japan if she’s so unhappy.

This isn’t enough drama for Madgie so she goes back inside to catch the end of Desperate Housewives. I don’t want to sit in the hallway by myself, so I go back to the kitchen to get the rest of the shampoo out of my hair.

They argue for awhile longer, but there’s no more rumbling and crashing or stabbing by the time I finish twisting my hair and go to bed.

 

For months, they’re pretty quiet. Well, not really. There was time when the kid wanted to do something—I think go for a bike ride—and the Dad said no. She proceeded to scream like the mother. I shook my head. Apples don’t fall far from trees. And if she’s starting this now, can you imagine what she’s gonna do when she’s a teenager? I actually feel a little sorry for the husband. Shoulda married a Black woman. (Half-joke.) There were a couple other times the wife shrieked a bit, but not as bad or long or loud as that first time.

Anyway, nothing major-beyond some screaming here and there-- until last Friday. The rumble wakes me up from my dream and I sit up in the bed when I realize what’s going on. They are louder than they’ve ever been. He’s yelling, she’s screaming, there’s crashing and rumbling and stomping all at once. I can’t really make out what they’re saying, but they are arguing right above my bedroom . All I hear is voices at first.

“Will you look at this place?” he half-yells, half begs. These are the first words I can make out. “How could you do this? Why do you do this to our home?” He sounds like a defeated man.

She says nothing that I can hear.

“Look at this, [Wife]!” he yells. “Look at what you’ve done.” Pause “Why? Why?!!! WHY?!!!!”

She shrieks in response. More rumbling. Then I hear her footsteps storm down what must be their hallway. A door slams. I must be catching the last part of the battle.

All is silent. I hear him walking around above me. I hear a thump. I guess that he’s fallen on his knees. “How could she do this?” I hear him say in his bass-less voice. “What did I do? God, what did I do?” He sounds like he’s crying.

I hear what sounds like glass moving against wood. Is he sweeping it up? Gathering it with his hands. I don’t know.

I go to the kitchen to make some decaf tea. It’s 5 am and I am wide awake cause these folks want to yell for 2 hours in the middle of the night. As I sit on the counter and sip, I think about the happily married woman’s advice. I may not be married, but I am more than qualified to tell the people upstairs they need to call it quits.

Harold

Part 2 of yesterday's story is just not coming together. It reads weird. So you get this instead. I'll finish this series (since it's already written) and then give you Part 2 of The People Upstairs on Thurs.

Last week, I sent an email to the Black men of New York. I asked people to forward it around to reach as many folk as possible. Such was the case that the email landed in the Inbox of a man I once adored, Harold.

The morning after the call for men hit the city, an email from Harold reached my Inbox. ''Hello,'' it read. ''How are you? I tried to contact you after you left, but the message was returned. Why didn't you keep in touch? Give me a reason I can't take you to dinner.''

I stared at the screen and read the message again. Keep in touch? Dinner? I screw up my face. Why?

 

Far and long ago, I began a career in another field. Harold worked for the same company--different division, different floor. When I took the job, I was so focused on impressing my boss that I barely noticed Harold when he came by to fix the office equipment.

Four months into the new gig, I was all dressed up with somewhere to go and headed out of the office. I was in the hallway when I heard a man say, ''Wow, D, you look nice today.'' Caught off guard, I looked back to identify the baritone voiced speaker with just a hint of a West Indian accent. My eyes met his and I smiled. He smiled wider. Such teeth! Such lips! Immediately, I fell a little bit in love.

 

READ THE REST in  A BELLE IN BROOKLYN: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ON SALE NOW 

The People Upstairs

PART 1

I had a conversation with a happily married woman on Friday. She’s 32, been married 10 years, and knew from the moment she met her husband that they were meant to be together. Six weeks after they started dating, they got on a plane and headed to Vegas. I asked her for advice on marriage (just cause I don’t need it now, doesn’t mean I’ll never will) and one of the things she said was “don’t take advice from people who aren’t married. They are just not qualified to speak on it.”

In a sense, I agree. But I also think that just because you aren’t in a similar situation, doesn’t mean the advice of the single is meritless. Sometimes, I think, it takes an outside perspective to make sense of a matter.

Take the people upstairs from me; the ones that woke me up from a peaceful sleep on Friday at 3am with this 2-hour long argument. Those mofos need to get divorced—or at least try (more) counseling. Something’s got to give.

So I’m knocked out having this amazing dream about being at a Diddy party in the Hamptons. I’m in Diddy’s sprawling backyard at an all-white party with a guy friend and I’m sitting in the grass on a hill. Below me are like 200 hundred people mingling, drinking, and living it up. It’s a beautiful summer evening and MTV cameras are filming the festivities. All of the sudden, I look up the hill towards the mansion and see Diddy and Kim arguing in front of the patio with two of their kids present, the youngest two boys. He rears back—like sticks a leg back to steady himself-- raises his hand from way down by his knee and hurls it upward till it connects with Kim’s face.

The party freezes. Everyone hears the slap and they all just pause. The deejay stops, everything goes silent. Then complete pandemonium breaks out. Everyone starts fighting like a scene out of a movie. Just fists flying everywhere. All I can think is “the kids!” I run over with my friend following me, and grab up the smallest kid and throw him on my hip. My friend takes the other. It’s complete madness and my car is in valet, which will take forever to get to. But we gotta get out of here, so we run through the woods like Tony Soprano at the end of Season 5 until we reach this winding dark road.

A pickup truck comes by with three of my friends sitting in the front (there’s a backseat). The tallest person is sitting in the middle, which I can’t understand. They offer us a ride and we get in the back. The smallest kid is settled on my lap and appears to be sleep. The other one is fading out. So I take this time to speak freely and figure out where I’m going with these kids and I talk about the chaos at the party and the slap. As soon as I start talking the littlest one wakes up and starts laughing. I stop talking because I don’t want to him to get scared of what’s happening.

I tell the driver to drop us off at a familiar house in a neighborhood that looks like my parents’ back in Maryland. He does and I go inside (no clue whose house this is) and use the phone to call a hotel and also, track down the nanny to these kids so someone will know that I have them and they are safe. I call the Ritz and in a British accent I tel them that I am Amy Winehouse and that I am coming to the hotel and I have the Combs’ kids so put the room on Diddy’s account. They want to know why I have the kids instead of the parents or the nanny, but I am hesitant to explain because I don’t want the melee to reach the press. I’m on the phone arguing with these people to let us come and bill Sean instead of me. when I wake up suddenly to a loud bang and a rumble across the floor.

“WTF?!”

Then a loud, long scream. No words. Just a scream. Then running footsteps. Then nothing. Finally I hear a man’s voice with no bass.

“Stop it, [wife]! [Wife]! Stop it!”

Fuck! The neighbors are fighting again.

"His" Money?

Until 2am, I had no blog for the day. I'd planned to write something on the train (45 minute commute), but I've found that I like to go blank and just let my wander on the way to work. So there wasn't going to be a blog. Anyway, the neighbors upstairs start tearing each other apart again (next weeks's blog) and wake me up from a wonderfully vivid dream (maybe the same blog, they tie-in together.) So thank them for me being up, unable to go back to sleep for 4 hours, and thus, you having the following to read: The parents are in town and I invited the SSO to meet them. We eat at Ruby Foos (love the food, hate the tourists) and head back to the hotel. Apparently Dallas was playing last nite and SSO and Dad are desperate to catch the last half of the football game. Whatever.

We get to the Renaissance and up to the room only to discover the game isn't being aired on local TV. The men are borderline distraught and because they must see some some ball, any ball, thrown tonite, they settle for watching the Knicks digracefully getting their asses handed to them by Boston (the score was 82-42 at one point.) They begin, like the rest of the world, to harp on how Scottie must go and somehow this discussion leads to Shaq.

Rumor has it that Shaq filed for divorce from Shaunie for 2 reasons. 1) the lesser reason: she took appx. $2 million of the his money and put it in a private account; and 2) the greater reason: she bought a condo for her ''personal trainer'' with his money. With a small caveat to the wording by me, we all agree the latter is unforgiveable.

I raise the point that Shaq is pretty much a known whore. He allegedy has bought a condo for a woman he keeps in NYC and there are also rumors of another kept chick in Chicago, for whom he also pays a mortgage. Please note, that none of this is based in verified act, just sources sharing alleged knowledge. They could be lying. For argument's sake though let's pretend this true. I say that if Shaq has done as accused--ie, paying for these women to live-- then Shaunie is no more wrong than Shaq.

My mother disagrees: ''You don't use your man's money to buy another man a house.''

I agree. ''But he was using their money to buy these chicks' cribs. What's the difference?''

Mommy: "She spent his money on another man!"

Now my understanding of the marital funds goes something like this: What's his is mine, what's mine is his. No matter who's bringing in the biggger chunk of the dough, all of what we make combined is ours to spend within the confines of whatever parameters we set for our relationship. That is to say, even if he's making Bill Gates money and I'm making halal-meat street vendor paper, I'm no less entitled to spend what we make just as he is no more entitled to spend our earnings (especially on a chick). In a marriage, his money isn't any more his because he earned the greater chunk.

Am I being naïve?

Shaunie's dead wrong if she bought ol boy a spot. And so is Shaq, if he's bought these women homes. They are EQUALLY wrong.... Right?

Zsa Zsa Pooh: The F*ck Up

Sorry about the missing blog yesterday. Tuesday was a looong night.

I spent a recent evening at dinner w/ an amazing guy friend, Mecca, and another girl, Sadie, a friend of a friend, Taylor. Taylor was supposed to be meeting us, but called after we'd all arrived at the restaurant to say she wouldn't make it. (She is a first-year attorney with a big firm. Her schedule is not predictable.)

The food was great. But the chemistry between Mecca and Sadie (both single) was far more interesting than the Pan Asian fusion on our plates. After a bit of unexplained akwardness which I assumed was because Sadie didn't know either me or Mecca, I realize they've been friends for a bit. As the evening wore on and Sadie opened up, their banter and cheesy smiles and a million shared interests hinted that maybe there had been more between them at some point. And if not, there should be more than friendship between them in the future.

Hmmm.

Mecca excuses himself from the table to take a call and leaves me to chat with Sadie, who I've only met in passing several times before. In short, she is single, attractive, and childless w/ a warm heart and a smile that lights up any room. She has common sense, is well read, intelligent, and articulate. Her hobbies include cooking (favorite) and decorating and she is a self-described neat freak. Oh, and she's well employed as a music exec, has a side hustle too and believes in traditional relationship roles, ie let a man be a man, whatever the hell that means.

As far as I can tell, there is nothing wrong with this woman. She's great, so great that if I were a man, I would date her.

I ask her, ''may I speak freely?'' and she agees that I may. So I just say flat out: ''what's the deal with you and Mecca? You guys have great chemistry and you'd be totally cute together.''

''Mecca?'' I can't read her reaction. She's not surprised, excited, or happy, but she's not shocked, appalled, or mad either. She's just blank.. and says nothing for an awkward ten seconds, which could have gone longer had Mecca not returned to the table.

Ever the gentleman, he apologizes for his absence and offers to buy a round of post-dinner coffee or tea, which I accept and Sadie declines. He and I babble about nothing and Sadie, apparently back in her shell, has gone mute beyond uttering ''yeah, uh huh'' and ''hmm.''

As soon as the check comes, Sadie throws down way too much cash, and says she has to go. She gives weak goodbyes, double air kisses to us and practically sprints out the restaurant as we try to tell her to take back $20.

''What the fuck was that?'' Mecca asks after the door slams back in Sadie's haste to escape.

''I think I fucked up,'' I say.

He quirks one eyebrow really high. I am so jealous that he can do that. ''What'd you say, D?''

''I asked her why she never tried to date you casue I thought you two would be an amazing couple and there's a lot of chemistry between you and you'd be so cute together and- and -and- and she just shut down as soon as I said it and I asked her if I could speak freely before I aksed. I did. I didn't mean to offend her or anything. And she's a good woman. I mean really good. She'd be so good for you.''

He sighs and gives me a stern look. ''You shouldn't have asked that.''

''Well yeah. I know that now.''

Another big sigh. ''We used to hang out a lot. I thought about it but there was no... What do you call it all the time? Zsa zsa zoo?''

I nod. ''Just cause she didn't like you then doesn't mean she wouldn't like you now.''

''I didn't like her.''

Huh? ''What?! She's amazing.'' This is fact, not opinion.

''She is.''

''So what's the problem?''

''She didn't do it forme.''

''A good woman didn't do it for you?''

''I'm not attracted to her... I mean physically. I mean I wasn't then, but I am now.''

I look at him like the stupid he is. ''Did you tell that good woman you weren't attracted to her?''

He nods. ''Yes,'' he sort of squeaks out.

''And you like her now, don't you?''

''Yes.'' Another pitiful squeak.

I shake my head and just stare at him. ''I love you dearly, but you are an idiot.''

''Oh, you have no idea.''

I try--and fail-- to do the eyebrow thingy.

''Last month, I told her that I was feeling her now.''

''And if she's the woman I think she is she told you to go fuck yourself.''

''In so many words. She asked 'why now?' first. And I told her.''

''You told her what exactly?''

''That I was attracted to her, that she's an amazing woman. She said it was too late. She's over me.''

''You fucked up.''

Long pause. ''I know. Trust me, I know.''

Where to Meet Men (in NYC)

Okay, ladies:

These places are man-co-signed and approved. OR places I have gone and heard men complain there were no women, or at least no cute women. OR places I have seen myself that there were man-folk in abundance. OR places men told me that there were either too many men or lots of men when they heard I was writing this blog.

Being the opinionated men that they are, they also told me this:

* Men rarely have an off-time. You can smile and say hi at them 99.6% of the time and they are fine with it.

* Stop travelling in packs! Or if you do, break up into singles and pairs when you reach your destination. I(n my own travels, I have discovered that when I go out alone to parties and clubs, I meet more guys. Oh, and if you decide to club alone, don't drink.)

*Stop going to woman-friendly places and complaining there are no men there. Men do not go to the salon and they are not shopping in SoHo or Montgomery Mall and Georgetown on Saturdays (if they are straight. You know, I have no idea when men shop, cause I rarely see them shopping, but they must, because I see them with clothes on.) But anyway, go to man-places to find men. And try not to look like you’re looking when you get there. That last line is very important. They can smell desperation.

Now on to the good part…

By and large when men are in groups, they go to 2 places. a) places with simple décor, strong drinks, and good food. Or b) where there are likely ladies. In New York you will find a plethora of men at:

1) the gym (hard-bodied men at that.) the crappier the gym the better (it’s like men hate decor), but you'll find some at New York Sports Club (especially Brooklyn Heights) and definitely at Bally's (50th Street is a meat market). There are some local, really bad cheap gyms, but the men tend to harass and disrespect there, I’m told. Stick to the chains. Oh, and skip the NYSC at 125th—it’s a known DL pick-up spot. (A gay guy told me that.)

2) BK Museum-- First Saturdays, there are loads. These men are at the museum so it's reasonable to assume they have some culture and that they read. Oh, and when I went there were virtually no women there. Weird.

3) Fashion 40-- Friday, afterwork. So it’s not my favorite place, but I met up with my SO for a bday party there one night. I got there early and was SHOCKED at the number of fine, tall men in suits. It was a meat market. And again, hardly any women. Put on a pretty dress and heels and go!!!

4) Level V, Tues. Night -- Men in suits!!! Lots! Most are in finance or play with numbers for a living, but they're the cool ones, not the jerky ones. Oh, and a lot of tallies here too. Good music and men who dance. Oh, and Grae (look for the really, really tall dude in the good suit) gives massages. I’m hearing rumors of foot rubs tonight. (Yes, as in today, the 27th.) He’s a professional, so this ain’t no kinky ish.

5) Any King magazine sponsored event. The last one at the Metro Pavillion, the men outnumbered the women 2 to 1. Attractive men were standing around bored complaining that there were no women and no cute women. Cute yourself up and go! You can pick and choose.

6) Barnes & Noble, 14th st or Downtown BK. Sit in the magazine section and read. Or go over to the coffee section and sit. Men (who read) will come by. Practice your 'smile and say hi' and go.

7) 40/40 after work when there is a big sporting event. I personally hate this place and if you're looking for edgy men, don't look here. The simple décor seems to appeal to men. And there are lots of TVs, which means lots of games. The 30-35 man who doesn't keep up with the trendiest places comes here to watch. He brings his friends-- usually work buddies. See where I'm going with this? (It helps to have a relative interest in sports and understand that the most interested man is going to be distracted from you if the score is close.)

8) Clubs-- but only during the week and preferably afterwork events. Now I know you are you thinking, ‘the club, D?” yes. If you are upstanding and you go there, then there must be other upstanding people—some of whom are men—who also go there. Go.

9) The Barbershop—if you have short hair, stop getting it cut at the salon. The barber is not only cheaper ($13 for a salon cut vs. $45) but there are always men-- of all types-- in barber shops. Always. If you have hair, stop in and ask if they razor shape eyebrows.

10) The train—especially during rush hour. If you catch him at rush hour, chances are he is headed to work. Smile. Say hi. He’ll find his way over to you if he’s interested. And if he turns out to be crazy, you can always pretend the next stop is where you get off.

Note: These places are fall friendly. The list doubles in the summer, especially August. (And why wouldn’t it. Everyone’s looking for the winter line-up.)

There Are No Good Black Men Left

I said I was gonna save this one for the book, but I can't wait that long to address this topic. This idea that there are no good Black men left thing is reaching epidemic proportions.

I was sitting in a corner of Barnes & Noble one weekend reading an old issue of Essence and I stopped to scan through the viewer responses to a previous issue. There was a whole page of women thanking the editors for featuring 60 Do Right Men. In the letters, each of the women complained how there were no good Black men left and they heaped praise upon praise to the 60 men featured as if they were the only last good Black men on Earth. Some American women talked of moving to different cities to meet men. A woman from London said the same. Seems the drought is international now.

All I could think is ''huh?''

A recent day doesn't pass anymore when I don't hear a woman complain about the Good Black Man shortage. The cliched refrains always get brought up. Apparently all Black men are in jail (or parole), gay, jobless, on the DL or dating white women. That minor percentage actually left don't read, work at UPS (it's a job w/ benefits and OT, don't know why that's a complaint) or are otherwise underemployed, fat, ugly, have kids, are whores, are already married and/or are Mama's boys.

Again, I say ''huh?''

I know tons of dudes. TONS. And they are relatively great guys. Oh, and they are gainfully employed. I don't try to meet men, I just do. And once you meet one, you meet a bunch more. They all come with friends, usually of similar dispositions. It's like they multiply exponentially or something. There are TONS of them.

So since I'm not looking, and more, I'm tired of hearing women complain, I'll tell you how I meet men. And for the New York ladies, I'll tell you a couple places (tomorrow’s blog) they're hiding in the city.

So you wanna meet a man? It’s simple.

Smile and say hi.

Yes, that's it.

Men do not like rejection. They believe the sight of a happy smiling woman lessens their chances of such. It is a rare man that does not speak back and MOST come over and start some conversation. In all the years I've been smiling and saying hi, I can count on one hand the number of men that have not come over and not one has not said hi back. Now all the men that speak back will not be ''good'' but at least now you are meeting men and you have a pile from which to sort out the good and the bad. In time, you will be able to tell your type without even speaking by the way the man carries himself.

Smile and say hi can work in sweats (men love some women fresh from the gym. Maybe the sweat releases phermones?) but it helps to have on heels, and have some personality and have an attractive face. (The most important of these is a personality.) Now I know you are thinking, ‘D, you’re in the Stone Age. You’re telling me I have to on heels and some make-up to meet a man?’

Um, how do you catch fish? With bait. Go put on your heels.

Menfolk reading…. Can you co-sign smile and say hi (cause I know they don’t believe me)? Or give some additional advice for women to meet ya’ll?

Thanks,

Belle

Thankful to the End

Wow... 1 comment? So ya'll didn't like Chai & Shai? LOL! Um, ok. They are like two of my favorite people on the planet. Hmmm. Guess there won't be anymore stories about them.

So this is the deal, I have 3 blogs written and ready to go. Problem is, I left my computer in NYC (i'm in DC)-- and hence, I have no blogs with me. I couldn't drag myself away from SSO this morning to post (warm computer vs. warm man. What would you chose?) so I'll throw them up when I get back. Oh, and yes, I know I could have written on the Amtrak on the way down, but I slept from Newark to Bmore, ie-- all but 15 minutes of my trip.

I think I'll write tonight; got a fascinating tale about a married couple (25 years) that lives in seperate states and makes it work. Maybe GVG is on to something with this alternative arrangement thing. I'll write-- that is if I can't get eps of The Wire, Season 4 on my parents' cable. If I can, don't expect a blog anytime before Monday. (Respect my honesty.)

Oh, I did manage to find time for this (it has nothing to do with relationships):

10 Things I am Thankful For (in no particular order)

1. Life. I wake up everyday and think 'what's next?!' My life is random and unpredicatble and fun and exciting. Even in the down times, I wouldn't wish to be anyone else. A room full of non-striking writers couldn't create a script this good (or dramatic).

2. S.O. -- he's the top edit on a good story (only fellow writers would get that one.) In layman's terms, he makes a good life, great.

3. My friends. They are the greatest, funniest people on the planet. I love my crew-- close and extended-- for the one-liners, the random comversations, the brunches, the dinners, the road-trips, the international cafes, the sugar (inside joke), weekend clubbing, observing the dress code, and much, much more. India in 08, baby!!!

4. New York. I live in wonderland. Anything is possible in this small, country town. I've been here 7 years; I am still in awe. I think I could live here 50 and that would not change.

5. My mama. Like most people, I take what she does and that she is here in the world for granted. Kanye (a fellow only child) losing his mama was a wake-up call.

6. Larry, ie, Daddy. The older I get, the more alike I realize we are. He lives a fantabulous life. I'm honored to follow in his footsteps (even if teh responsibility of filling those shoes terrifies me.)

7. The psuedo-family. These mofos are com-e-dy. But more important, they are crazy supportive of whatever I do. (These folks pulled out the new Glamour at the dining room table. Shameless plug: Yes, I am in the Dec. issue. pg. 98, I am thankful for that too.)

8. The new job. I said I wasn't going to talk about in the blog (a couple new co-workers read it), but I will say this: There's a line in "Gone" where 'Ye says, "They claim you never know what you got 'til it's GONE/ I know I got it, I don't know what y'all on." I am doing my dream job. I can't take that for granted.

9. "I'm all right with me"- Erykah, "Cleva" I spent 2 hours earlier talking to a 23 year old, whom I love dearly. I won't divulge the conversation, but I'll say this: I'd glady take my 23 y.o. body. I'd rather die than take my 23 y.o. mind. I really don't think folks think right before 26.

10. My iPod. By the grace of a fellow editor (all the new hot shit), my parents (all the old hot shit) , a couple deejays (remixes to the new hot shit) and my own computer (96-2006 hot shit, minus Jay-Z), I honestly think I have amassed the greatest collection of music ever, IMHO. And it's all in the pocket of my camo skirt. This thing is the best invention ever.

Notes from the Other Ballpark

Post- church one Sunday, I bumped into two of my favorite guy friends-Chai and Shai-- waiting out front of the chapel. Every Sunday that we attend services, four of us meet up after and head to brunch. Carmen was MIA that day so as is our tradition when it's just the 3 of us we headed around the corner to our favorite Brooklyn diner with cheap waffles that taste like cake. (Carm talks us into going to chi-chi restaurants when she is there.)

It’s a teeny tiny diner where you freeze every time someone opens the door in the winter, but I love this place-- mostly for the food, but also because it is located near The Man Factory. Now I have never seen said factory, but I know it exists. Every time I dine at this place, a plethora of cuties (tall, wide, gorgeous cuties) stroll past the window or come in to sit at the counter for a good brunch. There MUST be a factory nearby, because I’ve seen the assembly line. But that is not the point.

The point is that as I recounted to Chai and Shai the general details of my situation with my SSO (for the record, things are well), a pair of cuties passed by the window and caught my eye. (I'm situated, not blind.) One was chocolate, broad shouldered and beautiful. The other was pale and just plain old fine, crisply attired, and perfectly manicured. I look, I look away, and I look again. The cuties are pointing and smiling... at me? I laugh girlishly and try to ignore them. I am with 2 men, who gay or not, are still men. (And too, there is the SSO to consider.) There's just certain things ya don't do as a woman in the company of men.

I lean into Chai, and tell him to check for the cuties who are trying to holler at me through the window. They are making quite a fuss over me and I want him to do a gaydar check (note: we are in Clinton Hill) and if nothing else, glimpse their beauty since he and I have the same taste. Chai looks, smiles, and says, ''I'll be right back.'' Apparently he knows them and later, I discover he's sort of dating the taller, broader, browner one.

Um... Okay. I guess they weren’t checking for me after all. (Insert humbling moment here.)

 

READ THE REST in  A BELLE IN BROOKLYN: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ON SALE NOW 

The Morning Commute- Part One

Life. It's a funny thing.

I walked down the steps to the train last Friday and I thought, 'how hilarious would it be if I ran into Married Man?''

I hadn't thought about Married Man in a few weeks then. After we first stopped speaking, I was nervous on a daily basis about running into him. He wasn't taking no for an answer very well and I wondered how I would react when I saw him. Furthermore, if he would say or do anything crazy. I mean he seemed like a nice guy, but then I found out damn near everything he said for 2 weeks was a lie. Nice guys aren't habitual liars. That, and it takes a devious and reckless mofo to try to cheat with a woman who lives around the corner from where he lives with his wife and kid.

Anyway, for some reason, I think about him and the hilarity it would be if he was on the subway platform at the same time as me again. Not that I wanted to see him. Just thought it was funny that he was there so often, we stop speaking, and suddenly I never see him again.

I reached the bottom of the steps and who did I see waiting for the train?

God has a sense of humor apparently.

READ THE REST in  A BELLE IN BROOKLYN: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ON SALE NOW 

Learn to Swallow?

I was riding in the car w/ Patent, Penelope, and Pimpin one night during the summer. Penelope had just recounted a story of love and loss and while I did my girl-friend sympathizing duty, Patent took another approach.

''Learn to swallow,'' he told Penelope. ''It’ll keep your man happy and at home. No man will leave his woman if she swallows.''

The phrase 'learn to swallow' became sort of a running joke amongst my summer crew. Every time a woman complained about heartbreak or a cheating fool of a boyfriend or a decent man who just wasn't showing any act right, this was the laughed out advice we started to give. (Note: for women simply looking for a man, we did not advise this. Concensus holds that swallowing can help a woman keep a man she's got, but will not help her get a man she doesn't have.)

I took the phrase for the joke that it was until one night I realized Patent was dead serious.

READ THE REST in  A BELLE IN BROOKLYN: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ON SALE NOW 

The Moment of Truth

I have a friend JR who stumbled upon a beautiful woman outside the Kanye West/US Weekly party a few weeks back. They exchanged numbers, they went on a few dates and were in communication constantly. Though he argues that boys cannot be smitten (''that word is too feminine to describe a man, D''), I argue that this is indeed the best word to describe him. He'd arrived at the point where he'd begun sentences with,'' Cherise said blah, blah, blah'' and ''Cherise did blah, blah, blah''. See? Smitten.

Finally came the day when they had sex. They'd done a typical date-- dinner (Ideya) and a movie (Why Did I Get Married)-- and headed back to JRs house Uptown. One thing led to another, and JR later described the encounter as ''overall not bad.'' However, after he'd ''reached joy,'' he was struck with a feeling he didn't expect.

''I immediately wanted to kick her out,'' he told me. ''Or just leave the house. At least the bedroom. I had to get away from her.''

READ THE REST in  A BELLE IN BROOKLYN: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ON SALE NOW 

The Break Up

I wrote a blog last week that I haven’t posted yet. I was walking out of the subway this morning and for some reason I remembered this story and felt like telling it. When you read tomorrow’s (or Friday's) blog it will all make sense… well, maybe.

Once upon a time, I was young and in college. I, a southern belle, dated a Northerner from New York. He was cute and curly haired and from good stock. He was the Dewayne Wayne to my Whitley Gilbert and at 20, I thought we could live happily ever after someday—like when we were old at 25 and ready to have kids and raise a family. LOL!

I was a year ahead of him in college. When I graduated, I stayed home in MD for the summer while he went back to New York. When school started for him, he came back South, I headed North to grad school at NYU. For all holidays and summers until I graduated months later, we were in opposite states—except for those random weekends we took the bus or train to visit each other.

 

READ THE REST in  A BELLE IN BROOKLYN: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ON SALE NOW