Ask Demetria: Should I Meet Up With An Abusive Ex Who Owes Me Money?

Dear Demetria:

"A guy I was in an abusive relationship with owes me money. We lived together and he didn't uphold his part of the bills. We got evicted. He says that he will pay back the money, but only if I see/meet up with him. What are your thoughts? (He owes thousands.)" —Anonymous

The money isn’t worth meeting up with him. If he really wanted to do the right thing, he wouldn’t hold stipulations over your head for him to do it. He knows he was wrong for not paying the bills over time (and it was a long time, because a landlord has to get a court order to have someone evicted, and that’s not a simple or short process). And he knows he owes you money. If he only wanted you to have the money and just wanted to be an upstanding guy on the back end, he would put a check or money order in the mail, send the money via PayPal or transfer it to your account.

He’s still playing games with you. Saying he’ll only do X if you do Y is just another way to manipulate and control you, which I’m sure he made a habit of doing throughout the abusive relationship.

But I get why you may want to meet with him. “Thousands” of dollars is nothing to scoff at, and if the situation got to the point where you were evicted, you didn’t have the funds to cover the bills on your own. I’m guessing that you spent what you had to stay in your place and came up short. And if you were evicted, you need the money he owes to get back on your feet. You probably also still care about him, despite the abuse.

Your best course of action is to gather what evidence you have that he owes you money and take him to small-claims court. If you insist on meeting up with him—and I do not suggest that you do—it needs to be in a public place (like a police station). And take with you the biggest man you have in your life—someone who will intimidate your ex and make him think twice about being abusive.

Under no circumstances should you meet with your ex alone. Again, to be clear, I prefer that you not go. Your safety is worth more than the money.

If it sounds as if I’m making a big deal about this meet-up, it’s because I am. At best, you’ll meet up with him and he’ll try to sweet-talk you into reigniting the relationship. Maybe he’ll apologize to you. And just maybe you’ll actually get the money he owes. At worst, he’ll become abusive during the encounter.

The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves it. In domestic-abuse cases, 70 percent of the violence happens after the woman leaves the relationship. A friend shared with me something that happened to a friend of hers: “The guy asked to see her to talk. He shot her four times, then killed himself,” she said. “Thank God she survived.”

Read the full story on The Root

Ask FM UPDATE 2 : #justthetip

Dear Demetria:

“I accidentally took my girl's virginity. I know how this sounds, but I swear it was a weird accident. My girl wants to wait until marriage. In the meantime, we do everything but penetration. Last night, we humping. I got her legs on my shoulder and I'm moving. I made a wrong move or something.

#Accident!!! The next thing I know, I’m in. But not all the way in, just the tip. My girl starts screaming and punching me. She’s asking me what did I just do. She telling me I ruined her virginity and this wasn't how she wanted to lose it. I feel like sh--, man. Unfixable or nah? PS: I love her.

—   Anonymous

Sir…

This is much.

Let me start with the obvious. If you’re not trying to have sex for whatever reason, it’s just not a good idea to get naked, at least below the waist, and start grinding with someone you’re in love with, or anyone, really. Life and biology and sh-- happen. But you know this now. So going forward, at least one of ya’ll needs to keep some underwear on if you don’t want this to happen again. Preferably “the” both of you.

Also, if you’re gonna go this route of everything-but-penetration, then condoms need to be used. I’m not saying you “have anything”. I’m saying you both don’t need to “have anything”, as in a baby. You don’t necessarily need to put all the penis in to get her pregnant.

And because I’m assuming hoping you’re both really young, and it seems neither of you has had a proper sex talk or sex education, I’ll add that if you’ve had sex before, you need to get tested for STIs, including HIV, to protect yourself and your girlfriend.

Now for the most uncomfortable part of this conversation, which is two parts:

It’s confusing to me—and many readers—how you were able to enter your girlfriend, even with the tip, with such ease.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve even seen a virgin” said a friend in his mid-30s. “But I’m 90 percent sure you don’t just find yourself in The Promised Land.  I don’t want to get too graphic, but it’s been a couple times it’s been impossible, like, “’Maybe we should try this another time….’, ‘Not sure this is working’.”

Another guy, also in his 30s, added, “Wait! Sooooooo you just slip in on a virgin? That’s now it works.,. That’s not how any of this works.”

So, if the details you gave about your action are accurate, there are two possibilities that stand out:

A) This ain’t the first time this—or more— has happened with your girl. She may not have sex with you, she may not have even had sex. But there has been some sexual activity in the area either with you or prior to you.

B) You forced your penis in her vagina, which since you know she didn’t want you to— despite the legs and uncovered vagina— is… rape-y.  I hesitate to call it rape because if I’m not being feminist –PC, I honestly get how you could think in the moment, “she wants this D!” when you’re looking at her vagina, she’s got her legs spread in the air in front of you.

The screaming and the hitting don’t bode well for you. She could have been in pain from you putting your penis—even the tip—in. Or she could have felt that you violated her. Or it could be both. That’s where this story gets weird. I would love to know her version of it.

I pray Option A is most applicable here:  she’s had some experience, you haven’t had enough, and ish just kind of happened, as it’s prone to when two naked people grind on each other.

Your girlfriend also has to take some responsibility here. Grinding with naked sexual parts was more likely to lead to this outcome— and more— than not. And she’s sending profoundly mixed signals. She can set her boundaries with her body however she likes, but essentially telling a man “grind your naked penis on my naked vagina, but don’t stick it in” is just poor judgment.  If she wants to remain a virgin until marriage, then she needs not place her naked vagina in the clear and obvious vicinity of a naked penis.

Still. She’s pissed, so you got to make this better. Apologize, explain, apologize again. Offer to abstain from this “everything but” activity for awhile so she knows you’re serious. And when it starts back up again—because it will—for the love of Hova, keep your draws on. And you need to wear a condom just in case. I’m saying. I’ve been 18. Life happens. Be safe when it does.

Oh, and the relationship is likely fixable. Her virginity… no, that’s not how it works. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

So, I posted this query as the "QOTD" on Instagram this morning and readers were too through with this story. 300 comments on Instagram, 100+ on FB, and RPs and "shares" everywhere. Fortunately, or un-, depending on the perspective, the OP (original poster) was reading all of your comments. (This is why I delete/block people who insult the posters. Critique the behavior, not the person.) Anyway, the OP wrote back in to clear some things up, and provide some more details:

#OP Accident!!! Man, some of your people’s are hard on a Bruh. I didn't rape my girl. It was an accident! When I say we do everything but [sex], I mean like head, I use my fingers and now her toy that her big sister brought her for her 18th birthday. I'm not some loser trying to get some.

#Accident!!! This our last year of high school. When we graduate I’m going to marry her.Our moms just going to have to be mad. I want her to be a honest woman. I love her so I want to do right by her. So we are getting married, get a place and go to college together. That’s the plan.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Um… your GF’s virgin status is highly questionable.  Again, I’m not saying she’s been penetrated by someone else, but toys and fingers and tongues in vagina aren’t how virginity works. Send her this way is she needs clarification.;

Good luck on the marriage. And college.

So. The young man who wrote in intitally, wrote it again after he showed this post to his girlfriend. Then they write in together. Her take on this? More or less, The Holy Bible says no sex, but it doesn't outlaw any of the stuff-- toys, fingers, mouths— that her and her BF are currently doing. They're keeping it Christian. Check it out:

"#ACCIDENT! showed my girl your answer here is her answer: "I grew up in a Christian house, where we were taught about being pure and holy. No one talks about needs or how to be pure if your horny. Ot even what to do when your horny other then prayer. No where in the bible does it say no oral..."

I admit, I haven't been to church in a minute. But I used to go. And my grandfather was a pastor. I sat through a LOT of Bible study and sermons as a kid and teenage girl.

From what I recall about religion and sex, penis penetration, toys, masturbation, fingering, oral sex--giving and receiving-- are all off limits to unmarried Christian folk.

Again, your body, your choice. But if you're trying to abide by the Christian way, until you're married, everything you're currently doing sexually with your boyfriend is off limits.

"#Accident!!! Both of us want to tell you thank you. I thought I would have to talk to my mother about it. dude she would have beat our asses

lol. I got you. Just wrap it up. And wear your draws."

Ask Demetria: "My Husband Wants to Skip the Family Reunion!"

Dear Demetria:

My husband’s younger brother is turning 30, lives in another state and is planning a night-out party. My family reunion is the same weekend and I’d like us to go. He says he is going to hang with his brother and not go to the reunion. Can you weigh in here? Am I wrong for expecting my husband to go with me? It’s our first as a married couple. —Anonymous

You’re not wrong ... but neither is your husband. You have a scheduling conflict; surely it’s not the first time and won’t be the last. Instead of focusing on who is wrong or right here, focus on how to resolve this conflict.

The obvious solution is for your husband to attend his brother’s party and the family reunion. I don’t know the distance between these two events or whether that is possible. But if he can spend a little time with his brother and with you, that’s ideal.

If the distance between the two events just doesn’t make attending both possible, then your husband should attend his brother’s birthday party.

That’s not what you wanted to hear, I know. I’m also newly married, and I like doing firsts with my husband:“Ooh! Our first married date!” “Ooh! Our first married Christmas!” “Ooh! Our first married New Year’s!” We’ve done all these things for years as a couple, mind you, but it’s all new and shiny again because now we’re married. You probably want another “first” at the family reunion.

Either that, or you want to show your husband off to the family members who weren’t at the wedding. I get it. Completely. Surely, there are relatives who had a lot to say about your being single for however long you were, and it will feel absolutely awesome in the moment to show up with your husband and smugly rub it in. I have petty moments, too. I understand.

But your reasoning—as stated in your question—isn’t worth your husband missing his brother’s 30th birthday.

Read the full story on The Root

Ask Demetria: Am I A Bad Friend?

Dear Demetria:

My friend asked to spend one night at my place when she came to town for someone else’s birthday. I said yes. She said they would pick her up from the airport and bring her to my house. She asked for my address right before she left. I didn’t text her back because I didn’t think it made sense to come to my house late on a work night if the person she came to see picked her up. It was an unnecessary trip. I expected her to call once she landed so I could understand what was going on. Am I wrong? —Anonymous

Ma’am, you are completely and unequivocally wrong.

It sounds as if, although you said yes to your friend’s request to stay at your home, you didn’t really want her there. While it’s nice to accommodate friends so they don’t have to pay for a hotel, it’s better to be straight up about not wanting to put yourself out than to put your friend in a bind this way. Your girl flew into another city and landed without a place to stay because you refused to give her your address. That’s not OK.

If you said yes and then changed your mind, you were supposed to tell your friend in advance so that she could make other plans—or else just be a friend, suck it up and let her stay at the house. Work night or not, it was only one night, and a minor sacrifice to make for someone you call a friend.

It’s pretty obvious to me—and should have been to you, too—that she asked to stay with you because, while she wanted to see whoever it was for his or her birthday, she was more comfortable at your place than anyone else’s in the city. And she didn’t want to pay for a hotel.

Maybe the person she was coming to celebrate was a guy she was dating, and while she’s enjoying getting to know him, she’s not ready to know him in the biblical sense, so she asked to stay with you. Maybe the friend is a girlfriend who lives with her significant other, and crashing with them isn’t convenient. Or maybe it’s a woman who lives alone but her home doesn’t meet your friend’s cleanliness habits. Who knows? What I do know is that she asked you, her friend, for a place to crash and you said yes. You were supposed to hold up your end of the bargain.

I’m going to assume that you are upset with your friend about something and that’s why you’ve pulled this very passive-aggressive move on her. There’s no justifying how, at the final hour, you decided that the trip to your house was “unnecessary” after you’d already told a person you call a friend that it was OK to crash with you. What’s worse is, at no point did you even pick up the phone or text or say, “This isn’t going to work.” You ignored her.

The “It was late on a work night” excuse doesn’t add up, either. It was late. So? You open the door, hand her the extra key and go back to bed. It’s that simple.

Read more on The Root 

Ask Demetria: "My BF Comes to My Job to Argue With Me!"

Dear Demetria:

My boyfriend of four years nags me about the same thing: my work schedule. I work long, sometimes outrageous hours, but I love my job. He can’t get past it and sometimes argues with me via phone when I work late, other times in my office (door closed). Other than this, our relationship is fine. Help. —Anonymous

Everything isn’t fine in your relationship. It’s one thing for your boyfriend to want to spend more time with you. It’s great to be wanted and desired and missed. But when he shows up at your job and argues with you, he’s crossing the line. He is displaying a fundamental lack of respect and a deep resentment for you and your job. Don’t confuse his antics at your workplace with a sign of affection and passion. Let me be clear: There is no situation in which it’s acceptable for him to come to your place of employment and argue with you.

Just so you know, your bosses, colleagues and subordinates can all hear you two arguing, in person and on the phone. You two are the good office gossip, and they think how you’re carrying on is unprofessional and messy. I don’t care how much you love your man and how long y’all have been together. You should have told security to ban him from the building after the first time he showed up.

Actually, you still should. And if he’s going to badger you and argue with you at work, then you don’t need to take his calls while you’re on the job.

I’m not sure you’re aware, but your boyfriend is also putting your job in jeopardy—and it’s intentional. If you allow him to keep this up, that job you love so much isn’t going to be around much longer.

You need to have a long chat with your man about boundaries—immediately. Tell him point blank that interrupting your work or showing up at your job is unacceptable, and he will be single if it happens again.

I know he wants you to change your work habits, but acting a fool at your job isn’t the right way to go about it. There are more effective ways to get a point across (like asking and, if the answer is no, accepting that and moving on, even if it’s to find another relationship). I imagine that his ridiculous behavior makes you resent him and want to avoid him, which makes the situation worse.

You love your job, and I’m going to assume that you love your man, since you’ve been with him for four years. But four years is a long time to be with the same person, especially when he’s pulling shenanigans like this. You need to have a long chat with yourself about this relationship and if you want it to continue.

You’re encountering a conundrum that a lot of women face, one that Nigerian writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie mentioned in her TEDxEuston talk, “We Should All Be Feminists” (which was excerpted in Beyoncé’s “Flawless”):

We say to girls, “You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful—otherwise you will threaten the man.” ... Because I am a female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important.

Your man is unquestionably threatened. If you want to keep him around, you’re going to have to accommodate his ego and make more time for him. That doesn’t mean you slack off on the job or do anything to put it further in jeopardy. It does mean you leave “on time” a few nights a week, whenever possible, and spend those evenings with your boyfriend (which includes staying off work email).

Do keep in mind that you have the option to be single and focus on your work. Contrary to the theme of the film Mahogany, success still means something even when you have no one—at the moment—to share it with.

Read more: here 

AskFM Final UPDATE: But #whoisthefather

When we left off with this story (CLICK HERE), the wife had gotten ahold of the contact information for the man who likely believed that he was the father of her husband’s child.  He was in the military, stationed overseas.

For obvious reasons, the wife wanted some sort of revenge for the BS her husband and his child’s mother put her through. And what better way to do that than make things even messier for the mother of her husband’s child. But would she go through with it?

I'm holding in my hands a manila folder. In this folder is an address. The address to where this bitch's beau is stationed. I have the tools to crush her, to make her feel the same misery I'm feeling.

Anyone in my position would feel so empowered right now. The sad truth is I'm not built that way.  I couldn't maliciously hurt another human and sleep peacefully at night. I imagine this soldier sitting in his tent or whatever housing situation the military provides. I imagine him awaiting a letter, a postcard, a photo of whom he believes to be his new son. My hub's son.

I'm quite sure he's excited. I bet he is counting down the days he has left until he's able to go home to his happy little family. I want to burst his happy little bubble. I want him to know exactly what kind of conniving, immoral whore he has given his heart to. Then I think about his pain, his hurt. He doesn't deserve this, any of it. Who am I to inflict my pain onto him?

Maybe the Almighty will sort it out. The universe has a way of righting wrongs. Maybe I will keep my mouth shut and let him ride this rollercoaster off into lala land. Ignorance is bliss isn't it? It was for me.

I can't help but think maybe I was better off not knowing. You give your heart to a person, with the notion that it will be taken care of. You allow yourself to love hard. You love fully. You love blindly. You see past faults, flaw, every little imperfection. You love so deep that you forget which way is up. You become so love sick that you go through withdrawal when he's not around. His touch, his smell, his taste becomes a drug. Belle, I'm going through withdrawal and it's the most painful, exhausting thing I've ever experienced. The only thing that is keeping me going is my job. I swear if I didn't have a plane to catch in a hour. I would check myself Into the Looneybin.

I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. That plane she had to catch? Vacay.  Those long hours she’d been putting in at the office (before she came home to cook dinner for Hubs) were because she wanted to surprise her husband with a Christmas getaway.

Obviously, he wasn’t making the trip. So she hopped a flight with her best friend instead. (I don’t know who that man is, but I send a big “thank you” into the universe for him having her back.)

She hit me when she returned.

I'm hanging in there. I just got back in the country a little while ago. Yes, visited Cuba. I've worked every major holiday this year, just so I could surprise hubs with this trip. Welp, you know how that turned out. The trip would have been a total waste, if my dear friend hadn't convinced me that he and I should go. I put on a brave face and muscled through it though. To my surprise I had a pretty ok time. I always get a kick out of watching my friend try and pick up dudes.

 I apologize if I'm rambling. I guess I'm trying to gather my thoughts and figure out how to put my feelings into complete sentences. I'm not going to take up too much of your time. But I do want to give you a brief update about my plans. I will be filing a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, first thing this morning. I'm heading to the office now. There is no need for a Trial or Legal Separation. I'm not interested in martial counseling I just want to start over. New beginning for a new year.

At this point the why's and how's doesn't even matter. I'm not going to further stress myself out trying to figure it all out. Would you believe he's blaming me for his indiscretion? He says I put my job before him. He often felt neglected. I was emotionally unavailable. That's quite laughable isn't it.  I didn't know I had to choose between a career and a husband. Why couldn't I have both? So many questions . I'm left doubting myself, dissecting my entire marriage.

I'm slowly coming to grips that this marriage is irretrievably broken. You only get one time to cheat on me or beat on me and I'm out. I also decided I will not be writing this chick's beau. It's not me who needs their soul purged. I will let her woman up and do the right thing. I would be lying if I said my spirit isn't in mourning. I guess the only thing I can do now, is take things one day at a time and hopefully things will work out in my favor.

My response:

I'm glad to hear Cuba was a blast. I've always wanted to go. You must tell me how you circumvented the US gov.

Most people would say you're doing the right thing, given the child, the physical abuse, and then him blaming this circumstance on you.

 As a reminder: this is not your fault. You know this. But it may help to hear it from an outside source. Also as a reminder, there are STILL a lot of women praying for your well-being. People ask me about you regularly and tell me they have prayed and are praying. Don't know of you believe in God, but people who do are on bended knee.

Sounds like l you have a good friend in your guy bestie and I am thankful he is there for you when you need him.

You're doing the right thing by NOT telling the other woman's boyfriend. That you're not vindictive and driven by hurt and anger gives me further indication that you have a sound mind and you will be okay in the long run. Others are rooting for you; I am too.

If all that you said about holding down your husband is true, you will be swooped up in no time by a man who honors commitment and is happy to do right by you. You're not ready now, but when you are, remember that you have options.

The following day, I received an (bizzare) email from the wife’s e-mail address:

You're friends with the owner of this laptop? Can you tell her that she left it at the coffee shop yesterday? We waited for her to come back in, she never did. Whoever she was on the phone with, Shorty was going HAM on them.  

Give her the head’s up that somebody named [redacted] is gonna be pissed about the emails we sent out. Our bad. She might need to let her know it was a joke. Hope they won't have no hard feelings.  

Good news is she can get her laptop back.  We’re gonna give it to the fool at the counter. [Your girl] might want to put a password on it to cause it's some foul shit on here. If you got her number, call her to tell her it’s gonna be at the shop. Just the lap top tho'. The Beats by Dre [headphones], I’mma keep cause I coulda been nasty and kept everythang. You can’t get much for a [redacted brand name] anyway.

 A’ite, coach! What kind of sport she play?. I bet ladies’s basketball with her [redacted identifying information].

#lgklick4life

 Ya’ll ain’t see that ending coming.

UPDATE 12/19/14 

After this post went live today, the wife... or, er, ex-wife contacted me to explain that last email in more detail. I thought it was clear that someone had got ahold of her computer and was sending out emails on it, but perhaps not.

Oh my god!!! I didn't realize you too had received emails. I am so so so sorry. My [laptop] was hacked. Personal emails were sent out including a draft I [had] written to my Ex Husband's mistress beau, [ie, the solider]. Naked pictures of me were sent to a few of my male colleagues (pictures that were meant for my Husband’s eyes only). I was almost fired behind this. My contract states my work [laptop] is for work and work only.

All of the emails are from me, EXCEPT the one you deemed bizarre. Secondly, my divorce was finalized in August. I am still single.  I am still working the crazy hours (in a weird way, it helps me cope). Lastly, I can wholeheartedly say that I am in a better headspace. The past year has been a roller coaster ride, but my God is faithful. He is seeing me through it all.

To you and your readers: thanks a million for all of your prayers and well wishes.

Fin

Ask.FM UPDATE: But #whoisthefather

Last December, I offered readers the resolution to this story, but not the details.

A woman had written in to Ask.FM to say that her husband asked her if he could be the godfather to his ex’s child. It was an ex who had caused problems in their marriage before. The wife didn’t even know they spoke to one another.

That face you just made? Same one she did. Same one I did.

I detailed my exchange with the wife HERE shortly after the story happened.

Something wasn’t right with  this story. Where was the father of this child, and how was he okay with an ex-boyfriend that this woman was all into being tied to their child? And why were the husband and a woman who had caused the problems in the marriage still in touch? And how were they still close enough that she would ask him to damn near be a member of the family?

My first guess? It’s the husband's kid.

The wife did some snooping, and lo and behold, it was her husband's baby. What made this situation doubly painful was the wife is unable to have children.

When the wife wrote to me describing how she found out, she was raw and distraught, likely how any one of us would be under the circumstances. I didn't post her full story because I wanted to give her a chance to ask me not to. Plenty of times people tell me deep, dark stories anonymously, and then come back hours or days later, asking me not to respond (or remove the queries/responses). I usually abide by their wishes.

It's been a year. ‪This is the part of the story I left out of the first post.

In case you were wondering what started this whole mess here it is. I came home early last week Wednesday. I somehow misplaced my jumpdrive. So I was backtracking trying to retrace my steps. Hubs was online looking at those playpen things. Weird, I thought, but really didn't pay it no mind. I was there for my missing jumpdrive.

He started acting weird then explaining why he's online. He goes into a whole sermon about how young Black boys need mentors and role models. That's when he slipped in the God-dad foolishness. He was really trying to sell me on the idea.

 The more he talked the stranger he sounded. Like, when did this chick come back into the picture? Our last discussion about her was [two years ago]. We had an argument about an inappropriate hug at a mutual friends baby shower. We have since switched phone companies and both have new phone numbers. How was he and this [chick] in contact now? He must have sought her out or something.

Either this man is dumb, doesn't care, or simply forgot what line of work I'm in. I called in a favor from a friend. Within an hour, I had chick's phone number & home address. After calling Hubs for the 100th time, I paid her a visit. (Dangerous, I know. Felt I had no choice)

I didn't want to go this route, but Hubs wasn't giving me the answers I needed. I roll up there & to my surprise, she lets me in. Take a wild guess who's all hugged up with the infant?? I didn't want to act foolish, so I simply say, " Well, hello love. What in the hell are you doing?”

Him: "Oh, um, I just stopped by to let her know I can't be the God-dad." Bullshit! I must have stupid written across my forehead. OMG! Belle it took everything in me not to tear this woman's house to shreds. I knew right then what I was afraid to ask. But couldn't. So, I ask, “why, why her?”

Him: "It was a mistake." I laughed out at his ass not because of his answer. I really don’t know why the hell I laughed. One thing I did know? Ain't no way I was going to let that [redacted] see me cry. You would think she would have been offended at him calling her a mistake. No, not at all

Her smug ass took the baby and sat in the seat across from him. I told him I would take off my ring and throw it at him, but I have a better idea. I'm pawning this mother-fucker. I left him right there and went home. I put the chain lock on the door.

He broke it [when he came home]. I stood in our bedroom doorway. I told him to leave now or the police will make him. Do you know he slapped the hell out of me and said I better never threaten him again? Girl, why he did that? Honey, I went ape shit on him I don’t know this guy at all

My marriage was supposed to be my place of solace, not a source of grief. I made sure I was a good wife to him. I cook, I clean, I do every freaky nasty thing in the bedroom that he requested. So why wasn't it enough? I work hard as hell! Yet, I still managed to be a wife to him

No matter how many hoops I’ve jumped through, or how many stars I’ve pulled from the sky, I somehow failed. This bitch has done what I could never do in 8 years: give my Hubs a baby. I can’t compete with that.

My response?

Hit me up.

She contacted me the following day. She wasn’t up for coaching or advice, but she did want to share her story and wanted me to listen.

I'm writing to thank you for allowing me to cry on your cyber shoulder. Believe me when I say it has been a rough 24 hours. I've never experienced pain of this magnitude and I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. No one deserves to feel the way I'm feeling right now.

I feel as if my whole marriage has been a joke. Working as a [redacted], I've witnessed the demise of a lot of marriages. I've worked with a plethora of lawyers and  private investigators, so I know to some extent the  devastating effects of a cheating spouse. Never in a million years, would I've imagine my husband would be one of those cheaters.

You hear stories and you think that will never be me. I've searched every part of my brain and honestly I'm bewildered as to how I didn't see this coming. My heart is completely shattered. My face is bruised. My self-esteem at the moment is nonexistent. I don't know where or how to start the process of moving forward. I'm hurting like a bitch.

I'm usually very successful at achieving the goals I've set for myself. Oh, boy how I've failed with this one though. I thought my marriage was bulletproof. My solace. Is it me? Was I not holding up my end of this marriage?

Maybe it was the long hours of work. Or the traveling. I thought I struck a balance, I made it a priority to see to it that my man is taken care of. I was his superwoman. Working 13 and 14 hours a day, I still managed to cook his favorite meals, call him throughout the day, sex him crazy, and iron his clothing the way he likes it. I'm lost. What was it he was lacking? What wasn't I doing that my man felt the need to stick his dick in another [redacted]?

Maybe it was just me. A man wants a whole woman, someone that can give him a namesake. Belle, it hurts to even breathe. I'm having a hard time even putting together halfway decent sentences to email you.  

My  P.I. friend tells me that this chick had a man she was living with. He's in the army. He was deployed 4 months ago. It's unclear if he knows about her and my Hubs.

Speaking of Hubs he  left me a hand written note on my windshield this morning. He wants to talk. That's rich, isn’t it? He says, "I know I've hurt you. I'm willing to do what ever it takes to rectify this not so pleasant situation." Oh, I should add he was even nice enough to say "Take as much time you need.  When you're ready to talk I will be at my mother's."

Ha! What a guy right?  As if there anything left to talk about.

I told her she could email me whenever she wanted. She followed up a few days later. She wanted me to know she'd talked to some of her PI friends again…

I'm holding in my hands a manila folder. In this folder is an address, the address to where [the mother of my husband's child's] beau is stationed.  I have the tools to crush her, to make her feel the same misery I'm feeling.

To be continued…

Ask Demetria: 3 Years Into My Relationship, I Want to Be Celibate

Dear Demetria:

I decided to become celibate three years into a long-distance relationship. He’s so quick to want to have sex, but doesn’t want to communicate or practice being open and honest (i.e., texting other women, using Snapchat, etc.) I told him we will not be having sex until I feel that I can trust him again. Am I wrong to withhold sex? I know this will be harder for him than it is for me. He reacted better than I thought. —Anonymous

You’re never wrong for refusing to have sex with a man you don’t trust and who may be cheating on you. That’s not being selfish. It’s being smart. But it’s also not being celibate as much as it is a woman trying to make her man act right and stop creeping. If he did as you ask, sex would be back in play. That’s not celibacy. That’s withholding sex until you get your way.

I have to admit that my initial reaction to your query was, “I’m sorry, what?!” I got stuck at the part about stopping sex after three years, a unilateral move to eliminate an important aspect of your relationship. I’m a feminist who wholeheartedly believes it’s your body to do with what you want or not. I’m also a realist who understands it’s relationship homicide to change the rules of the game three years into an unofficial contract and seemingly without even a discussion.

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it is a thing—a big thing. Great sex can make a good relationship, well, great. It can keep a mediocre relationship in play just a little bit longer (but can’t save it). It’s not to be underestimated. Or to be eliminated without serious discussion with your partner. You lucked out, kind of, that your man is on board with this.

I say “kind of” because while you may have won this battle, you’re losing the war. He’s texting and Snapchatting lots of women, and the fact that you know this when you live out of town means he’s running amok. He can’t even pull it together the rare times when you’re around. Who knows (I mean other than him) what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with?

But you need to take it a step further and cut him off completely. I get what you’re tying to do here by cutting off sex: make him act right. I hate to tell you that it’s not going to work. He’s nonchalant about not having sex with you anymore because he’s getting cake by the pound at home.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria UPDATE: "I Just Discovered I'm Dating My Sister's Ex!" (Full Story)

 

Dear Demetria:

Older sis and I are ten years apart. Since she moved out of state, we don’t talk as much. Been dating this older guy and we are moving towards commitment. Sister has moved back recently and wanted to meet BF. Come to find out, they dated a few years ago while she was away… Should I just cut ties?

Something’s up here that I can’t quite put my finger on. You and your sister don’t seem very close if you don’t talk much just because she moved.  It’s the 21^st century and we’re all connected. It’s actually hard not to stay in touch with people. There’s another reason you didn’t speak regularly.

So I’m guessing now that she’s physically closer, you both want to give this relationship another go, and what better to bond about that boys, right?  You tell her about a guy you’re seeing, and at minimum, the conversation likely included his name, how you two met, and probably a physical description of him. I’m pretty sure that your sister picked up on her ex being your up-next. I can’t think of another reason why a person who you’re really not all that close to, even if she is your sister, would want to meet your BF.

What’s curious to me is why didn’t your… I don’t know what to call him. In one sentence you say you’re moving toward commitment, then the next you call the man your BF. Those are two different things. Let’s just go old school and call him your “friend” since that covers everything.  Did you mention anything about your sister to him? Like “yeah, I have a sister. She lives in XYZ.”

I live in New York. It’s a city of 8 million people. Still, without fail, anytime I mention someone, like say, a woman named “Mary”, someone who knows someone named Mary in New York will say, “hey, I know a Mary. Does she work in finance? Graduate from Georgetown?” I can’t really see you saying  to your Friend, “Beth lives in Chicago” and his response isn’t, “really? I dated a Beth from Chicago. Where did she go to school? (Or some detail that would distinguish her from the other Beths in Chicago.)  If you ever mentioned your sister, your “friend” more than likely knew she was also his ex, and didn’t say anything. But maybe you never mentioned her.

Let’s get to the bottomline here: I‘m not a fan of immediate family dating the same person. The only way this possibly works is if A) your sister is entirely cool with it and stays that way; B) your sister didn’t get dogged by him; C) your Friend didn’t have sex with her; and D) it’s been a long time since they dated, at least 4 years. And it would help tremendously if your sister was in a relationship. Still not a fan, but this makes it easier to swallow.

I originally posted the query as a Question of the Day on social media. Readers had many questions in the comments section, and the original poster returned to clear up some confusion:

"We have different dads so we don’t have the same last name and look nothing alike, in my opinion. I asked him if he knew she was my sister, he said ‘no’, but he always thought I reminded him of his ex, but never brought it up. I really love this guy I don’t know what to do."

She added: “according to him, they never had sex. And I believe him due to sis being really big on abstinence. Plus, I was still a minor when they were dating out of state. We never talked due to a big family blowout so when I met him years later, I never even introduced her as my sister."

You obviously want this to work. I get it. What it boils down to is how does your sister feel about it? If this is going to cause a huge rift between the two of you or another “big family blowout”, then it’s not worth it. You don’t let a, as Iyalna Vanzant likes to say, “ a pe-nus between us.”

I’m… concerned that you seem to be talking out this issue with the guy extensively, but have you talked to your sister in depth as well? He says they didn’t have sex. What does she say? Ask her. How does she feel about this? How did she feel about their relationship? Ask her.

It seems you and your sister are re-building your relationship. Will your relationship with your Friend get in the way of that? Is it worth it to you—and not just now, but in the long run?

Make your final decision based on that.

5 Ways To Handle A Break Up Better Than Chris Brown

Chris Brown has made yet another mess after breaking up (again) with his on-off girlfriend Karrueche Tran. The pair recently split and Brown took to social media late Saturday night to vent his frustrations about his ex.

“We’ve got scars, some of them u gave me, some of them I’ve caused,” he wrote on his official Instagram page. “That ride or die act we have been fooling the world with obviously ain’t working. I was locked up for damn near 4 months and only got 1 visit from you while u was hosting parties and taking secret trips to Toronto, going on dates with Drake!”

“So let’s not try to save face for public opinion,” he continued. “I don’t need to play victim so people can take my side.”

Ouch. And wildly inappropriate. I guess someone told him that because he quickly deleted his comments and less than 24 hours later, issued a public apology to his ex.

“Being young and dumb is one of my strong suits,” read Brown’s Instagram caption to a pictureshowing him with his head hanging low (in shame?). “I love hard and react impulsively when I’m hurt at times. I don’t think social media is a place to air out or hash out personal problems.”

You think?

He added: “Everybody know I love that girl .... I just want baby girl to know I apologise (sic).”

Um OK.

Of course, Brown isn’t the only one venting on social media. Anyone with a social media account has a friend (or is the friend) that posts bitter rants or subliminal digs about their ex (or current) partner. According to a study, “Social Media Regret” by consumer electronics shopping site Retrevo, 32 percent of people say they’ve posted something online they regretted. (That’s it?)

In case you’re one of the people prone to venting like Brown—and 32 percent of of other Americans—here are five suggestions that will help you save face, avoid embarrassment and save you another apology:

1. To state the obvious: Stay off social media.

Unlike celebrities (or bloggers), you probably know most of your social media friends and followers personally and rantings about your personal life aren’t likely to make the blogs (unless you’re friends with me ... I’m kidding. Sort of.) Still, they don’t need to know all of your business, especially when you’re dissing your ex.

When I see people flip out on Facebook, my first thought is “Yikes.” It shows me you lack boundaries and don’t have a lot of friends or else you would have called one of them instead of getting messy with your whole social network. It also makes me wonder if we ever had a falling out, would you blast me, too?

The mature people who follow/friend you, read, maybe comment (with opinions on your situation that you may not like) and most keep scrolling. The worst of your friends take screenshots of your update (before you erase it) and send a private message to a mutual friend to gossip about you.

2. Vent to a friend (and not the instigating or gossipy one).

Rejection hurts, even for folks with great coping skills. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen. Call that friend, the one who will tell you, “It’s gonna be OK,” even if it’s the end of the world. Even if they go tell all your business, you can deny everything if word gets out because there’s no screenshot.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: My BFF Was Inappropriate with My Husband

Dear Demetria:

My best friend and I grew up with my now-husband of five years. Their relationship, as far as I know, has never been substantial. It’s the hi-and-bye type.

The first two years of our marriage, she lived with us. An incident occurred during that first year when he was showering and she went in for her morning rituals. (There was another bathroom in the house.) I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that scene; we talked about it and resolved it then.

Circle back to a few days ago (four years later): She tells me she called my husband for advice on a new phone (I knew this), and he didn’t seem to want to get off the phone with her. She says that they could have been great friends if I wasn’t insecure, and that she thinks I am insecure because she is smaller than I am. (My weight has increasingly gone up.) She also explains that she never saw him in a sexual way before.

I can understand that I may have handled the situation poorly, as far as making them uncomfortable or on guard with each other, and for that I do feel bad. But in my defense, she was never close to any of my boyfriends before, none of them had ever moved in with me or anything of the sort, and it never occurred to me that she wanted to develop a more substantial relationship with him. Their friendship had always been how it is now, touch and go. But now I’m partly confused and hurt as to why, four years later, she would basically hit me where it hurts about something that shouldn’t matter. Should it? —Anonymous

You’re a good friend. Or a really naive one. I can’t figure out which just yet. Maybe both.

Something about this story reminds me of Jill Scott’s character in Why Did I Get Married?—specifically the part about the best friend and the husband creeping. I’m not saying that your husband is up to something. I am directly, blatantly, saying that your friend is, and chick gotta go. You (and your husband) may have grown up with her, but she ain’t living right, boo. What does she mean, she never saw your husband “in a sexual way before”? Before? Does she see him that way now? I need answers. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Your bestie probably shouldn’t have been your bestie anymore after she entered the bathroom when your husband was showering. Anybody with basic common sense knows you don’t go around someone else’s husband when he’s naked. This is 2 + 2, not algebra. At best, you should have had a conversation about inappropriateness and suggested she find another place to live, because clearly the current situation isn’t working out too well. But really, the friendship should have received the ax and she should have been kicked out. That episode was no mistake. I mean, there was another bathroom in the house. Her actions were intentional and sloppy.

If you want to feel bad about how you handled it, feel bad that you were too tolerant. Most women in your position would have unceremoniously asked her to leave the house.

Read more: here 

The Root: Janay Rice & Mama Candy Are Living In Denial

On the heels of a tell-all interview with ESPN published Friday, in which Janay Rice spoke for the first time about the night her then-fiance, Ray Rice, knocked her unconscious in an elevator, Janay and her mother, Candy Palmer, sat for a two-part interview with the Today show’s Matt Lauer yesterday morning and today. (Ray Rice put in an appearance toward the end.)

The interviews are an attempt to redeem Ray Rice, especially now that he is eligible to play in the NFL again. There’s never been a question about his talent, but in the court of public opinion, he’s persona non grata, a public relations nightmare.

The Rices and Mama Candy are doing their best to revive Ray’s dream. There’s a part of me that appreciates the all-hands-on-deck effort here: the wife pleading for her husband’s redemption, the stern and protective mother-in-law vouching for her daughter’s version of events, and Ray’s near-begging humility. These are people who really care about one another. But they are also people who are in deep denial, and it would take a willful suspension of common sense to buy into their revisionist version of events.

I’ll skip what Janay told Lauer, since most of it was covered in the ESPN interview, and get right to Mama Candy. I get why Mom has been trotted out for the national stage. Mothers get the benefit of the doubt for being sensible and pulled together. And by showing her support for her daughter while in fired-up, protective mode, Mama Candy lets us know that someone seems to have Janay Rice’s back—so, you know, we can all stop being so concerned about Janay because Mom is there and holding things down.

Just as Janay did in her ESPN interview, Mama Candy reiterates that this punch was a one-and-done occurrence. “There is no next time,” she says adamantly. She adds that she didn’t raise “a young woman to be an abused woman.”

Um, OK.

The truth of the matter is, Mom knows only what her daughter tells her. Mom isn’t with the couple every day. So her denial about her daughter having been hit more than once, and her assurance that it won’t happen again, is unreliable. No matter how much Mom and Janay may deny it, I’m unconvinced that the very first time Ray Rice hit Janay just so happened to be a knockout blow caught on camera. You’re trying to tell me that there was no slapping, no spitting, in the seven years they were together before this, but this one time on Valentine’s Day weekend, it just happened, with no buildup whatsoever?

And while Mama Candy gets assertive with Lauer about what type of daughter she raised, I just want to tap her on the shoulder and ask, “But ma’am, did you see the tape?” I’ll never blame the mother’s parenting for what happened to Janay Rice. That responsibility rests solely on Ray, who, when he finally shows up in the interview, completely takes the blame. (“My wife is an angel,” he says. “She can do no wrong.”) But the woman Mama Candy raised is, in fact, an abused woman. There’s video footage of her being knocked out by her then-fiance.

Read more: here 

The Root: 7 (Outrageous) Details from Janay Rice's ESPN Tell-All Interview

 

“What the hell is Janay Palmer thinking?”

It was the question asked by nearly everyone who saw “that video,” the one that clearly showed Palmer’s then-fiance, former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, knocking her unconscious on an elevator, then dragging her limp body off it. She’d stayed with Rice after that, married him even. And she publicly apologized at a press conference and then publicly defended him when he was dropped by his team and indefinitely suspended by the NFL.

For domestic violence survivors it was textbook behavior. For those who had never been abused, it was baffling. Was she doing it for the money? Did she grow up in an abusive home and that this was normal? Was she a “classic victim” of domestic violence? How will she explain staying to her daughter someday?

These were just the start of the questions, and finally Janay Rice has publicly answered them (and more) in an interview with ESPN’s Jemele Hill, which was published on Nov. 28, preceding a much-hyped two-part TV interview with Today’s Matt Lauer, which airs Monday and Tuesday mornings this week.

There is no question about the timing of these print and TV interviews. On Friday, Ray Rice’s indefinite suspension from the NFL was overturned, making him eligible to play again. Rice—and his wife—are on a de facto apology tour to clean up Rice’s image and make him less of a PR nightmare to potentially interested NFL teams.

Janay Rice’s account to Hill doesn’t quite do the job in this sense, though she does try hard—too hard even. Many parts of her interview come across as too sanitized, too “handled” by a crisis manager that taught Janay Rice how to spin a story instead of telling it plain.

Janay Rice earnestly talks about her husband’s community service and the amount of counseling they received, She conveniently doesn’t recall what they fought over on the night that she was knocked out and says she was completely uninjured after receiving that blow to the face that left her unconscious. In fact, Janay Rice says she felt, “perfectly fine.” She might as well have said, “See my husband’s not a bad person, the punch didn’t even hurt.”

But even the neat version of Janay Rice’s story can’t cover up what she ultimately is: a domestic violence victim--though she doesn’t consider herself one--blaming herself and defending her abuser. She repeatedly talks about her bad attitude on the day she was knocked unconscious. She describes how she agitated Ray Rice by reaching for his phone and that’s why he spit on her, as if that is a reasonable response. She claims she’s never experienced domestic violence before (or since), but it took only hours for her to forgive her man, who she also never considered leaving.

Here are the top revelations from Janay Rice’s ESPN interview:

She doesn’t remember much.

Janay Rice: “We got into the elevator and what happened inside is still foggy to me. The only thing I know—and I can't even say I "remember" because I only know from what Ray has told me—is that I slapped him again and then he hit me. I remember nothing else from inside the elevator.

“The next thing I do recall is being in the casino lobby, surrounded by cops .... The cops tried to tell me what happened and I refused to believe them .... There were no marks on my face or body, and I felt perfectly fine.”

She forgave him the next day.

“Ray accepted responsibility from the moment we left the police station .... At first, I was very angry, and I didn’t know what to say. This came out of nowhere. Nothing like this had ever happened before. I knew it wasn’t him.

“But as angry as I was, I knew it was something that we could move on from because I know Ray. I thought about our daughter. When she comes in the room, it’s like nothing is going on. We knew it was definitely going to take work, and we knew we had to be by each other’s side. I just needed to get away from him for a little while and spend a few hours taking my space to get my thoughts together.”

She never thought twice about marrying Ray Rice.

“We were married March 28, the day after he was indicted for aggravated assault. We didn’t choose that day because of the indictment. It just happened to be a Friday and a time when our families could attend our wedding without having to interrupt their work schedules. I didn’t understand why that was suspicious to some people. We’d been together seven years and had been engaged for two. What happened that night wasn’t going to change the fact that we were going to get married.

“If anyone knows me they know, I never have and never will be with Ray because of what he can do for me. I stuck with Ray because I truly love him.”

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: My Cheating Husband Wants Us To Keep Up Appearances

 

Dear Demetria:

I am beyond blown. My husband decides to let me know last night that he has been having a two-year affair with a co-worker. I am in a daze right now. He is also begging me to still go to Thanksgiving dinner with his family because his mom has been dealing with major health issues and this would be too much for her. I adore his mother and she is honestly dealing with some major health issues, but I just think he is trying to “save face.” I just want to hide under my comforter and cry. What do you think? —Anonymous

Before I say anything else, I am sorry. I am sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry you got blindsided with this right before the holidays. I am sorry your husband is a sorry man.

But hold up. Your husband just did the emotional equivalent of kicking you in the chest and has you walking around “in a daze,” and you’re trying to be a good wife, concerned about him and his mama? Who is worried about you, boo? I’m asking: You OK, sis?

I’m appalled that your husband would spring this on you the week of Thanksgiving. And I wonder why now, since he hadn’t said anything all this time. What’s the catalyst for this horrific timing? Not that there’s ever really a “right” time to drop this information on a spouse, but doing it right before he wants you to show up and play nice for his family certainly isn’t it.

Why didn’t he wait until after Thanksgiving? Or after the holidays altogether? Or, since he’s so worried about how this news will affect his very sick mother, who sounds as if she might go any day, until after she passes?

I’m going to guess that someone found out about his affair and gave him a “you tell your wife or I will” ultimatum. What I know is, he didn’t confess out of guilt. Because any man with half a brain—or at least one who wants to make his marriage work—knows that if his wife finds out he’s cheating, he’s supposed to fall on his sword. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry ... ” is all he’s supposed to say, not, “Yeah, so I know I just destroyed our marriage, but could you pull yourself together for my mom’s sake?” You’re his wife and all you want to do is cry. His concern isn’t about what he’s done to you but what your absence at Thanksgiving will do to his mama. Like I said: sorry.

Let’s be clear: Your missing dinner isn’t going to send his mama to the great beyond. But perhaps finding out that part of her legacy is having a sorry man for a son could. That, however, is between that man and his mama. The effect and appearance of him showing up to Thanksgiving sans wife was something he should have thought about while he was carrying on with his co-worker and, later on, when he was telling you about it. If he was so concerned about what his mother thought, perhaps he should have invested more energy in living in a way that would make her—and his wife—proud.

Read more: here 

The Root: Incensed Communication Director for GOP Congressman Verbally Attacks First Daughters

President Barack Obama speaks as his daughters, Sasha and Malia, look on before the president pardoning turkeys “Cheese” and “Mac." MARK WILSON/GETTY IMAGES

Blame the alcohol in the egg nog, delirium from too much stuffing or simply bad judgment for causing Elizabeth Lauten, the communications director for U.S. Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-Tenn.), to flip out on Facebook over the first daughters, Sasha and Malia Obama.

After reading an article linked on Facebook from the conservative site Mad World News about how the Obama daughters “unleash[ed] their annoyance” at President Barack Obama’s annual (and hokey) pre-Thanksgiving tradition of pardoning turkeys, Lauten was incensed beyond reason.

Several outlets covered the turkey pardon, and many playfully chided Sasha and Malia for giving glimpses of teenage indifference during the press conference: they folded arms, rolled eyes and twiddled thumbs as their dad awkwardly fumbled his way though a not-so-funny speech (that invoked Ben Franklin) about sparing the lives of two turkeys, Mac and Cheese.

The girls’ looks of indifference were familiar to anyone with teenagers or anyone who once was a teenager. Most commenters on stories about the girls’ reactions laughed, because while the first daughters’ expressions and body language screamed “over it,” they were also pretty harmless as far as teenagers go. Even the president mentioned that the Washington Post had “questioned the wisdom of the whole turkey pardon tradition,” so it’s not like the girls were expressing something that no one else was thinking.

But the moment pushed Lauten over the clichéd edge and she straight lost it on her Facebook page:

Screenshot of Elizabeth Lauten's Facebook post.

“Dear Sasha and Malia: I get you’re both in those awful teen years, but you’re a part of the First Family, try showing a little class. At least respect the part you play…”

Ma’am! Was that a scolding on what constitutes class from the spokeswoman of an elected official as she publicly blasting minors on her Facebook page? Are you behaving with class when you over-analyze and insult teenage girls?

In exchange for a lesson to the Obama girls on class, might I offer Lauten a word about using common sense and professionalism? Perhaps it would have behooved Lauten—a woman with a few years experience in social and online media and who should have expected scrutiny as the communications director for a U.S. congressman—to refrain from attacking the president’s children.

But that snippet wasn’t even the worst part of her rant.

“Your mother and father don’t respect their positions very much,” Lauten continued. “Or the nation for that matter, so I’m guessing you’re coming up a little short in the ‘good role model’ department.”

Yes, because teenagers who roll their eyes are an indication of bad parents and a lack of proper guidance. This, of course, means everyone’s parents sucked. Should teens in need of guidance look up to Lauten, a grown woman who, again, publicly attacks children on Facebook? Is this a proper role model? You tell me.

Lauten wasn’t done though.

“Stretch yourself,” she demanded of the Obama girls. “Rise to the occasion. Act like being in the White House matters to you. Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar. And certainly don’t make faces during televised, public events.”

I don’t know what’s worse here: treating teenagers who act like teenagers as though they’ve committed treason or implying that girls don’t deserve respect because of the length of their skirts. Way to uphold rape culture, Lauten. And why is she even discussing 13- and 16-year-old girls being at a bar anyway? They’re the Obama sisters, not the Bush twins.

Instead of dishing advice to two girls who don’t need it, Lauten needs to take a look at the woman in the mirror and act like having a job as a communications director for a congressman matters to her. Because an adult working in communications who recklessly goes after minors on her Facebook page suggests to me that she doesn’t appreciate benefits or a 401(k). I’m just sayin’.

Read more: here

Ask Demetria: I Fought My Brother's GF at Thanksgiving Dinner

Well, this is a first.

A reader wrote in this morning about a brawl that broke out over Thanksgiving dinner:

‪Got in a physical fight at T'giving dinner with my brother’s girlfriend. I am getting married in 3 weeks and bro is threatening to drop out unless [the girlfriend and I] makeup. Family is with him. I hate this and her and that I am in this wretched situation. Should I just chalk it up and reconcile?

Um… I couldn’t focus. She was asking about whether she should reconcile, but something is off about this story, starting with what could bring grown women to blows at Thanksgiving dinner?  So I asked…

“What in Hova's name was so important that you and your bro's lady came to blows at Thanksgiving?”

She explained:

 [The girlfriend] is very rude and belligerent and started cursing around kids/elders. I told her to watch her language because of the folks present and she decided that I was the one. I told her she needs to act like a lady and walked away. She followed and put hands on me. And I showed her what they do…

Is it me? Or something is off here?

I responded:

Well. 

Ok. So you tell me if I’m wrong, here. Family will usually rally around family and against an outsider, unless the family member is dead wrong. I can’t see an outsider woman, even if she’s the GF of the favorite son, cursing in front of granny and the grandbabies, then putting her hands on family at Thanksgiving dinner, and family going against family to side with the outsider. This version of events doesn’t even make sense.

But whatever. The questions was whether she should apologize to her bro’s GF so that he will participate in the upcoming wedding. To which I answered:

‪You gotta decide what's more worth it to you: family peace or withholding and apology on principle.

‪

And what I should have said that I didn’t:

If the whole family is siding against you over someone not family and they think you’re wrong about an event they witnessed, yeah, you’re probably very wrong. So just go on and apologize to keep the peace and your bro in the wedding.

Your thoughts? 

Ask Demetria: My Boyfriend Stood Me Up for Thanksgiving

Dear Demetria:

“My boyfriend of four months was supposed to come to my parents crib [for Thanksgiving] and he never did. I was embarrassed because I told my mom he would [come]. It’s important to me to meet his people and vice versa, but he acts hesitant. We’ve had issues before where he kind of stood me up and I always had an excuse. Am I being dramatic for being upset?”

This is my least favorite time of year to give advice. As I type, just before midnight on Thanksgiving, my Ask.FM inbox is overrun with messages from women who were disappointed today when their alleged boyfriends didn’t show up for family dinner.

Here’s another current one:

“My whole [Thanksgiving] was effed up. Boyfriend had to work. Told me he would be there all day. We were texting through out the day. Around 5PM, I asked if he wanted me to bring food to his job. He was at his sister’s. My blood was boiling. I asked he would stop by. He said he’d try. The f--- they do that at? I am so feeling a certain type of way about this. He’s been inside me THIS WEEK!”

Some version of this happens every year… to a lot of people.

You can tell a lot about a person’s interest based on how they act/ show up for the holidays. And a lot of people who think they are in a committed relationship, or at least a situation “going somewhere”, find out otherwise. People also tend to have a lot of expectations for this time of year (those Hallmark commercials have done a doozy on everyone) and get profoundly let down when they’re not met.

Too often, those disappointed people come to me, asking the obvious (see above and below). And some of them get very upset when I answer with the stark truth that they’re trying to avoid, which is exactly what happened here.

That first woman asked, so I answered:

You’re asking if you’re being “dramatic” because you are upset after you were stood up again? You’re not being dramatic enough. He stood you up on Thanksgiving and embarrassed you in front of your family. This is level 10.

It’s also at least the SECOND time he’s stood you up. He shoulda been gone after the first if there was no VERY valid explanation for why he couldn’t show up for you. Dude’s at best unreliable. At worst? Uninterested. Call this a wrap.

She wasn’t so pleased with this answer. I get it. No one wants to hear someone they care about isn’t that into them. And because she’s not ready to let go, she was trying to justify his behavior.

The same woman wrote back:

“I’m not a silly girl and I’m not blaming myself. And there was a lack of communication on both our parts at times. We are together nearly 85% of [the] time. I just wanted to know if 4 months is too early to meet parents. I’m ready, but I feel he isn’t. I feel we should have been together today.”

I responded:

If you’re in a relationship, it’s cool to meet parents.  You don’t have to, of course, but you can. (Everyone doesn’t agree with that, I know. To which I ask: if after the dating process—i.e., vetting—you don’t know if he’s suitable to meet your parents, why did you commit to him?)

But whether it’s too soon or not, he agreed to show up. And if he thought it was too soon, then he should have said that instead of just skipping out on you.

Stop making excuses for him, especially since it’s not the first time he stood you up, by your account.

She responded again:

“I write to you because I feel that my entire family judges and ridicules me. I know for sure that love isn’t entirely black and white. There are grey areas and I know you’ve lived through grey areas at some point in life. I just ask that you take that into account when people reach out to you.”

See now? This is the part I hate, when readers don’t want to handle the truth, and want to accuse me of being judge-y or ridiculing them or not understanding the concept of grey.

In this case, what she doesn’t know is I’ve been stood up by a boyfriend on Thanksgiving (something I’ve written about repeatedly). And because I was so into him, I wanted to pretend against my better judgment that it didn’t mean what I knew it meant: this is the wrong mofo for me. But I was in what I then-thought was love, and I wanted to believe the BS excuse he gave me (which was really, really bad) because I wanted him.

And you know what happened not even two weeks after I forgave him? He sh—ed on me again. We made plans to take a road trip, and I was all prepped and ready and he actually called that time— the day before—and said he thought it best if I didn’t go.  Why did he do that? Because 1) he was apparently the giver of no damns; and 2) by sticking around after the first time he’d completely disrespected me, I’d made it clear to him that I would put up with that. *Cue the sound of my heart breaking.*

That is when I accepted what I’d been trying to pretend otherwise about: that man didn’t want me. Period. And if I accepted it the first time, I wouldn’t have played myself a second and been hurt as much for getting played by him as for playing myself. Again.

This was my response to the woman’s last response:

You asked what I thought and I answered, on. You came to me for my opinion.

Because you don’t like the answer doesn’t make it wrong.

Standing your girl up— and not for the first time—and on Thanksgiving is a red flag.*

Everything ain’t grey, babes. Sorry if your feelings are hurt, but take that out on the guy who didn’t show.

*And as commenters who saw the question noted, is also a sign that you’re a side chick

Ask Demetria: I Think I Missed My Sexual Prime. Help!

 

Dear Demetria: 

I am against cheating. I won’t do it, but it feels like I haven’t truly lived. I went to school, got married, had a baby. I feel like my husband’s had a full life. He’s traveled all over the world, done two deployments and is settled. I haven’t even started. I feel like I missed a part of my prime, especially sexual prime. Help! —Anonymous

I’ll answer your question, but can I tell you a story first?

My mom came to visit me in New York City once. It was about 10 years ago, and I was bummed about a bad and very colorful breakup. Actually, two. I’d broken up with a guy a year or so prior who wanted to marry me. He was great, but like you, I felt like I hadn’t “lived.” I told him as much when we broke up, and he told me I’d never find someone as good as him. Ouch.

So I went and “lived.” I traveled and I partied, and I met someone else and he broke my heart. And while I usually didn’t regret that first breakup with the great guy, in my funk that weekend, I did. Maybe, I thought, I should have just gotten married.

My mom was in town to cheer me up. I asked her what she wanted to do during her visit, and her request was, “Nothing special, just the things that you usually do.” Um, OK.

It was a Saturday, so we went shopping in Soho. I introduced her to some of my friends, then we grabbed a late lunch at my favorite restaurant with cheap but amazing food. It was far from fancy.

My mother was giddy and wide-eyed the whole time. I didn’t get it. She’d been to New York plenty of times, so it wasn’t as if she was awestruck of the city. She explained, “I didn’t get to do this.”

By “this,” she meant live largely unencumbered with the freedom to spend Saturdays window-shopping and wandering aimlessly, gabbing with friends without anything major to worry about. When she was my age back then, she’d been married for five years and had a 2-year-old: me. She pointed out that I didn’t have to worry about keeping up with a child (or husband) or doing laundry or grocery shopping or any of the other thousands of important and sometimes very mundane things a wife and mother does to keep the household running smoothly.

She added that she wouldn’t trade me or my dad for the world—OK, maybe put us off for a year each to have lived in New York—but she wanted me, in all my breakup funk, to know just how good I had it.

And she was right. There are extraordinary perks to being single, even if a lot of people, especially women, take them for granted. It took my mother, married by then for almost 30 years, to point it out to me.

So, yes, I get where you’re coming from. And yes, I won’t lie, there are things you missed out on. But you’ve got a stable home, a solid man and a child who I’m sure adores you both. You’re looking at someone else’s grass, and while your own yard might not be landscaped the way you like, your grass is green, too. Cultivate your lawn so it stays that way.

You’re married and a mom. Your life is not over, it just comes with more responsibilities and requires more advance planning. You want to see the world? What’s stopping you? Kids and husbands are both allowed on planes. And that settled family man you have at home is entirely capable of parenting his own child if you want a solo getaway or a weekend with the girls. Finances? That’s what planning ahead and savings accounts are for.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: My Family Is Divided Over a Rape Accusation

Occasionally, readers have queries that don’t fit conveniently into the ask.FM box. My general rule, is that if it’s too long to fit, it’s a question that requires coaching (or maybe therapy) instead of a quick answer. (If you have a question that falls into the in-need-of-coaching category, hit me up: coachedbybelle at gmail dot com. PLEASE NOTE: there is a fee.)

This one, I made an exception for. A man wrote in to say that his female cousin recently claimed that he father raped her 9 years ago. The family is deeply divided over the issue and certain factions have stopped speaking to each other for more than 8 months.

I provided an in depth answer to him privately, and it was to get a therapist involved ASAP. (You’ll understand after you read his story.) Because this is a deeply personal story, I did ask if it was okay to share it since he contacted me privately. He asked that I would:

"I use to think the movie Precious was overly dramatic and distant until my cousin became my real life "Precious". I hope this story will inspire others to ban together as family should and be courageous in a fight against family curses."

Without further hesitation:

My family has been left divided over a rape claim. My cousin, 23, claimed her father raped her when she was 14. She has decided to press charges against her father. My cousin told investigators she tried to fight off her father when the rape took place. She has been tested for HIV twice a year since she was 16 and by God's grace tests negative.

Her mother, my aunt, did not take her seriously and immediately dismissed her claim. In fact, she laughed.  Half of my family, including me, support my cousin, while others like my grandmother and her own mother do not. This has left us divided and some of us have not spoken in over eight months.

Here is some back story to this entire situation. My cousin’s father has 10 kids with 5 different women, including my aunt. He is currently married to one of this women women, and yes, you guessed it, it's not my aunt. Yet, my aunt insists that he will divorce this woman and eventually put a ring on her finger.

Here is the shocker...

Two years ago my aunt discovered she was HIV positive. This was 8 years into her now rekindled relationship with my cousin’s (still married) father. He claims he is negative, but refuses to get tested.

Despite all of these details, certain family members choose to negate his history and reject my cousin’s claims. Furthermore, her mother feels that her daughter’s negative status is proof that her father is an innocent man.

I have decided to hold a family “Iyanla, Fix Our Life” type of meeting/intervention, but my significant other thinks it's a bad idea. Is it?

What do you think?

Humans Suck: Some People Bashed Solange Knowles's Wedding Day Hair

Ugh. Because some humans are absolutely awful.

Yesterday, the Huffington Post ran an article, "Solange's Bridal Afro Upsets Beauty Standards" on the backlash about Solange Knowles's choice to wear he hair the way she always wears it and the way it grown from her head, on her wedding day. Apparently, this was bad. Writer Kadia Blagrove compiled a series of screen shots from commenters who called Knowles hair "ugly", "horrific",  and  "scary". And before you assume "white girls don't get it", half of those unfavorable comments were from  Black women.

I knew this was coming.

I recall when Wendy Williams knocked Viola Davis's natural hair on the red carpet for the Oscar's as not being "glamorous" or "formal" enough, and how enraged I was. Apparently, natural is tolerable for day-to-day, but when it comes to a Moment-- capital M--we're supposed to break out the pressing combs and flat irons like 80s kids on Easter Sunday.

Meh.

I was SO PROUD to see Solange rock her beautiful big hair at her wedding. SO SO PROUD!! She looked beautiful, iconic. Just lovely. A walking statement of beauty and confidence.

The textured hair we were given, the CROWNS that we have been graciously bestowed with, is acceptable for any and every occasion. My (unofficial) motto is," the bigger the occasion,  the bigger the hair!" I never considered straightening my hair or flipping a straight weave, or even rocking a kinky one for my wedding day. I wanted my big, frizzy, kinky, curly, coily (because it's all of those things) hair to be my halo (and I needed something fancy going on up there because I  don't  do veils.)

People are mean. And stupid.

If you're a naturalista, would/did you straighten for your wedding day?