Bill Cosby's Accusers: You Really Think 15 Women Are Lying?

I need an explanation.

I, probably like you if you've come here to read this, have been following the growing allegations of rape against Bill Cosby. Fifteen women have accused him of  rape-- six publicly-- and networks and content distributors are sprinting to distance themselves from him.

Time and Vulture have compiled comprehensive timelines of the rape allegations against him-- beginning in the 1960s--  and it's as damning as the Village Voice expose on R. Kelly. It's bad. Real bad. Joe Jackson.

Despite the number of women-- FIFTEEN--  who have made allegations over the years, despite the similarity of their stories over decades, there are many who just can't fathom that Cosby has committed these crimes. The go-to argument seems to be, "but why now?" They wonder why, if these women were drugged and raped, why they waited a year, or years, or a decade or longer to come forward.

To which I ask, why not now?

Given Cosby's celebrity and iconic status (before The Cosby Show, he had the distinct honor  of being the first Black man to have a lead role in a primetime series) and wealth and lawyers, and the way the stories of FIFTEEN* women with similar stories are being disbelieved  now, and the way these women are being dragged as groupies or "party girls" (as if girls who "party" can't be raped), I don't get how anyone could not understand why these women would remain silent.

Rodney King got beat ON VIDEO which we all saw and the cops who did it still went free. (The LA riots, remember?) These women-- young women when these crimes occurred-- don't have video. They have stories. About  one of the biggest names in show business, who still, in 2014, facing allegations that he has raped 15 women, is spoken to by journalists with deference and respect and soft-ball questions.

It's a respect not given to Joan Tarshis, one of his accusers, who showed up for a CNN interview and was publicly questioned by anchor Don Lemon as to why  she didn't bite Mr. Cosby's penis in self-defense.  Really? No one asked Lemon why he didn't bite or clench when he said he was molested as a boy.

You can't understand why a woman, why many women would hesitate to put themselves in the position to be a national spectacle and have their entire sexual history dragged across headlines? In the 80s when Cosby was in his professional prime and untarnished by the respectability politics rantings that  garnered him so many side-eyes before all this?  Add to that, we are talking about women were allegedly drugged, then assaulted with fleeting memories of  what occurred and they are confused and hurt and embarrassed and humiliated.

"I didn't go to the police because i was 19 years old," Tarshis explained  in that horrible CNN interview with Lemon. "I was scared and I thought nobody would believe me. I'm a 19 year old girl and he was Mr. America."

I get it. But what I don't get is the people who do mental contortions  to defend Cosby from fifteen accusers. It's beyond basic logic. As Ta-Nehisi Coates summed it up  (so brilliantly) over on The Atlantic:

"A defense of Cosby requires that one believe that several women have decided to publicly accuse one of the most powerful men in recent Hollywood history of a crime they have no hope of seeing prosecuted, and for which they are seeking no damages."

And further:

"The heart of the matter is this: A defender of Bill Cosby must, effectively, conjure a vast conspiracy, created to bring down one man, seemingly just out of spite. And people will do this work of conjuration, because it is hard to accept that people we love in one arena can commit great evil in another. It is hard to believe that Bill Cosby is a serial rapist because the belief doesn't just indict Cosby, it indicts us. It damns us for drawing intimate conclusions about people based on pudding-pop commercials and popular TV shows. It destroys our ability to lean on icons for our morality. And it forces us back into a world where seemingly good men do unspeakably evil things, and this is just the chaos of human history."

Welp.

*I emphasize the number because it's unfathomable to me that fifteen people could accuse the same man of similar crimes of rape and be disbelieved.  If we were talking abut FIFTEEN people identifying the same person who robbed a bank, it would be a foregone  conclusion, not an ongoing discussion about whether  the accused, did in fact, rob said bank.

MJB Says Only Same Sex Friends for Her x Husband of 11 Years

MJB'S celebrates her 11th anniversary on Dec. 7.  Congrats, Mama!

I remember, like everyone else, when she got married and started singing happy songs and people were like, "um, can you be single and more importantly, miserable? Your music was better."

Ugh!

I've seen her perform live multiple times -- annual perk of a former job-- and for years, in every performance she would have a full fledged breakdown (not for performance sake. I knew a woman who was a background singer for her tours and she said the breakdowns were entirely real and she would even do it in rehearsals). And mid-breakdown, MJB would say something like, "if you knew what I been through and what it took, you would never say that!"

Anyway, during a recent interview with The Telegraph’s “Stella Magazine,” married Mary re-ignited the 'can men and women in relationships and/or marriages be friends with the opposite sex?' debate (which was reignited by Steve Harvey a few years back.) She says, "no". Both she and hubs keep their separate circles of friends, all of the same sex.

“All females for me, all guys for him,” MJB explained. “There’s none of that, ‘Oh, that’s my female friend. Oh, that’s my guy friend.’ No. Not in a marriage, I’ve never seen that work.”

That wouldn't work for me and mines, but more power to her and her husband and what works for them.

Would that work for you and your mate? If you don't practice it currently, would you prefer it this way?

Essence.com: Belle Shares Tips for Not Wasting Your Pretty

I stopped by Essence, my former home, to share dating and relationships tips with Essence.com viewers. Click the link to view the interview.

Ask Demetria: My Friend Introduced Me to a Guy She Slept With (but Didn’t Tell Me)

 

Dear Demetria:

I’m dating a guy I met through a friend. She introduced him as a friend only but admitted that she used to find him attractive. When he approached me about spending time, I asked her if it was cool and she said, “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?!” He later tells me they had sex once, but she never told me. Do I ask her about it? —Anonymous

Ooh. Just so you know, this is about to get so messy. You may need to let this fish go back to the pond if you want to keep your friendship.

It seems that your friend was more than just a friend to the guy she introduced you to. If what he said is true and they did have sex, I wonder why she just didn’t say that or at least tell you, “We hooked up once,” which implies a range of possibilities, when you asked about him. It’s something that most women would want to know about someone they’re dating.

Of course, there are some women who can have sex with someone with no feelings attached. It’s just sex. Those women also tend to be the type who would say, “Yeah, we had sex, but that’s all” if you inquired about dating someone they knew, and they would say it as matter-of-factly as they would an observation about water being wet. Your friend who breezed right over that interesting information is not that woman.

She liked him. She found him attractive. It didn’t work out, for whatever reason. That doesn’t make her a bad person. It does sound as if she’s trying to be that cool friend who’s pretending to be OK with her friend dating someone she slept with. I respect that. And she will be, too, until the guy takes a real interest in you—a direction he’s already moving in.

The guy you’re dating told you that he slept with your friend because it became apparent that you didn’t know. He knew that if you found out on the back end, you might bail on him. He wanted to be transparent, which your actual friend should have been.

You can ask her about it if you want. I don’t know what you hope to gain by doing so, however, other than possible confirmation or a fall deeper into the rabbit hole of this soon-to-be-crazier situation. The solution here boil down to this: Stop dating the guy and keep your friend, or keep dating him and watch things get messy. Those are your only two real choices.

I’ve been through this before. Many, many years ago my friend casually introduced a man to me by saying, “We’re just friends.” As he walked off, she snickered that he was her “former jump-off.”

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: My Girlfriend Doesn't Measure Up to My Friends. Should I Bounce?

 

Dear Demetria:

My girlfriend is 29, working at a call center, in school for her bachelor’s degree and living with her parents. Sadly, she’s a late bloomer. While I wish she was more established, I’m OK. My mother, though, thinks I’m settling. I love my girl, but my circle includes doctors, attorneys, public relations executives, MBAs, etc. I don’t think my girlfriend fits in. Is it wrong to explore options? —Anonymous

It’s not wrong or right to explore other options, as long as you break up with her and don’t cheat on her. If you’re in a relationship and not satisfied, by all means, go find what makes you happy.

But before you do that, you need to figure out what you want and what matters to you, which I’m not sure you are clear about just yet. You wrote that you didn’t care that your girlfriend is a “late bloomer,” but then you quickly added what your mother thinks about her and how your girlfriend doesn’t fit in with your friends. Does your mom and what looks good in your circle matter more than your love for your woman? Maybe so. But be honest about that and don’t blame your girlfriend because you value your mother’s opinion and care more about your friends than you do the person you’re with.

It really sounds as if you’re more interested in a good look than a good woman. If that’s what’s more important to you, so be it. But take ownership of that and don’t put your girlfriend down for not meeting your new expectations. It’s not as if she’s a slouch. She’s working, at least part time, and in school. She’s 29 and making the sacrifice—because it’s a rare American adult who really wants to live at home with his or her parents and under their rules—in order to get where she wants to be in the future. You seem unwilling to wait or support her while she’s putting in the effort to build herself up. That’s your choice. But be mindful not to blame her for that, as if she’s done something wrong here.

I’ll also warn you to be careful what you ask for. There are good people with sexy jobs, and you can find a great woman with a more alluring job title that will impress your friends and mother. But do know that good people at any station in life are hard to come by. Replacing your girlfriend with someone else you fall in love with is entirely possible, but it won’t be as simple as you think, mostly because, well, to be frank, your mom is too involved in your relationships and you seem insecure about your place in the world.

That professional woman who has it all together? She’s not going to deal very long with a guy who comes to her with “Well, my mama thinks ... ” That gets old real quick. And whatever new woman you find, if you keep the outlook about her having to fit in with your friends, she’s never going to live up to what you want in the long run. They’re going to move up in their careers. What if she doesn’t move up as fast? Does she go by the wayside, too?

And what if she’s a high-powered attorney who gets burned out and wants to try something less demanding? Does she get dismissed, too? What if the new woman outearns and has more degrees than everyone in your circle, but your mom and friends still don’t like her? Does she go, too?

What we’re really talking about is your insecurities. You want a girlfriend with some “oomph” because it makes you think you’re hotter and will compensate for your own perceived deficits.

Read more: here 

The Root: Stop Blaming Black Women's Success for Black Men Not Marrying

“Why are you single?”

It’s the single’s girl most hated question. It’s usually asked as a sort of a backhanded compliment, a way to acknowledge that the person asking acknowledges her awesomeness and is stumped as to why she hasn’t paired off. But it often comes across as a sideways accusation that sounds like, “You seem normal, you look attractive. What’s wrong with you that I’m unable to detect at first glance?” It leaves a woman either debating whether to unload her life story in a stumbling rant or repressing the urge to start screaming with rage.

It seems that the tables are turning and men are starting to bear the burden of this question, too. It’s—honestly?—kind of nice to know that the guys are getting a taste of the bitter medicine so often served to women. It holds the promise that since they are beginning to know how intrusive and belittling that question is, maybe they’ll stop asking and find a better way to acknowledge a woman’s awesomeness. (Hint: “I think you’re awesome”—period—will work fine.)

Apparently writer Terrell Jermaine Starr has been on the receiving end of the “Why are you single?” question enough times himself. In the essay “Well-Traveled, Intelligent Black Man, 34, Seeks ‘Sista’ OK With Him Making Less  Money,” written for The Root, Starr—who sounds like a pretty interesting guy (yes, I looked up his picture; he’s attractive)—laid out his complicated story: “[M]y income isn’t as high as many would expect, and it makes me feel insecure about how women may view my current professional station in life.”

I applaud his honesty about his perceived shortcomings. I wish he had stopped there. Or, at least, continued to explore that thought. Our culture judges a man’s worth less by who he is and more by what he earns. It’s oppressive to men in a similar way that it’s oppressive to women that culturally, we judge them solely by their looks and ignore everything else they bring to the table. I wish Starr had gone more in the direction of exploring his own issues instead of blaming women—and reaching far to do so.

In addition to his own insecurity about his finances, Starr relies on the go-to argument for why he’s single: by blaming black women’s professional success. He speaks of his circle of six-figure-earning friends and their perceived reluctance to date a man who, at 34, is just getting his résumé together (despite the informal poll he took on Twitter, where most women said otherwise). I respect his perspective, but from mine as a dating and relationship coach, it just doesn’t add up.

To start: Where are all these six-figure-earning people coming from? An individual earning $100,000 or more outearns 92.6 percent of Americans, according to a 2012 analysis released by the Social Security Administration. In fact, just 20 percent of American households bring in $100,000 or more in income. Six-figure earners of any race are an extraordinary minority, and while they absolutely exist among black women, they are an even smaller percentage than in the population at large.

Just from Starr’s essay, it sounds as though one of the compelling reasons he is single—in addition to his insecurity, which is the prominent reason—is that he is limiting his dating prospects to outliers, all of whom he perceives as finding him undesirable. That’s simply not the case for every high-earning woman.

There are definitely women in that group who want a man who is their financial equal or better. I respect their preference. But there are also plenty of women in that group who want a man who loves them hard, communicates well and keeps the bed warm (or hot!) at night. Those are the women I hear more from in my line of work.

Not that this would address the core issue of Starr’s insecurity—that’s an inside job best managed between him and his therapist—but perhaps he would be better-suited dating women who are more aligned with where he is financially. Surely there are fellow writers and editors, social workers, nurses, teachers, etc., that would be happy to combine salaries with him or have a man who brings more to the financial table than they do.

Maybe he might be best-served not to focus so much on the salaries of women he encounters but, rather, to seek a like-minded woman who shares his passion for writing, travel, languages and education. (Yes, such women exist, and yes, among black women.) I wish him the best in finding her.

Read Original story: here 

Belle Discusses Street Harassment on 'Nightline'

 

Click the image below to watch my interview on @NIGHTLINE last night, discussing (white) women and street harassment. I'm amazed by the reaction to this video (10 million views). I'm glad street harassment is a national topic, but stunned by the response to white women's tears. There's been an ongoing discussion by Black women about sexual harassment for months on Black sites/blogs/Twitter (ie, #youoksis) that went ignored by mainstream media. Many Black men only joined the conversation to say shut up, stop complaining, stop exaggerating or be grateful someone's even paying attention.

A white woman speaks out? It's a national news story and there's hand wringing everywhere. White men— who also street harass, but were conveniently left out of the video-- are pining to rescue her from the scary Black and Latino guys bothering her. This is racism and sexism at its finest.

Ask Demetria: "My Ex Abandoned Me (and the Kids), But Now He Wants A Second Chance"

Dear Demetria:

My boyfriend cheated and abandoned me and my kids. I didn’t even know he was leaving. I came home and his things were gone. I started dating a great guy, but after a year my ex has returned and wants to get married. The new guy has been there for that year, helping me with financial issues and me. Would I be wrong for going back to my ex? I still love him, and he said he needed time to give me 100 percent like I gave him. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like I never should have been without my ex. —Anonymous

Don’t be a fool for love. You’re in love with a man who, from what you’re telling me here, doesn’t deserve what you want to offer him. The guy who deserves it? He’s the one who’s been doing the most, pitching in to help financially and taking care of you while you’re a mess, pining for a man who doesn’t appreciate you. Just as you hope your ex will appreciate you the second time around, I wish you could appreciate the man in front of you. You’d be so much happier in the long run.

Your ex is no good for you. He walked out on you and your kids, and for a year he never looked back. He didn’t care how the rent (or mortgage) got paid or how you would explain his absence to the kids or the emotional toll it would take on you. He wanted to go and didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye. This is not the type of man you give a second chance to, much less marry. If you go back to him, he will do it again. He fundamentally does not respect you or commitment.

Let me tell you where your ex has been. He wasn’t sitting up somewhere in a monastery, praying daily and taking vows of silence and abstinence to find the God within himself. While you were trying to figure out how to take care of your kids on one income again, he was finding himself laid up with the woman (or one of the women) he was cheating on you with. While you were crying your eyes out about him leaving, he was taking her to dinner and buying her trinkets and whispering sweet nothings. While your kids were asking, “Where’s so-and-so?” he may have been splurging on this other woman’s child, trying to win that child’s affection and more of his or her mama’s. You’ll never know what he was up to because while you were holding it down, he was not there anymore.

Because some version of this question comes up over and over and over in my inbox, I’m going to safely say that the woman or women he was with all this time either bored him or got rid of him. Now he needs some attention, and he’s shown back up at your door begging and promising the world and everything in it. It’s a mirage, hon. Don’t be fooled. Either he needs a place to stay or he’s jealous of your happiness and wants you to want him.

If you leave the new guy for your ex—exactly what your ex did to you, so you know—you will soon find yourself back in the same spot you were a year ago. Your ex isn’t staying this time, either, and when he leaves again, the new guy likely isn’t going to be as forgiving to you as you are to your ex. You’ll be on your own, again, which you probably need to be anyway. If you could skip all the drama to reach that point, it would serve you better.

So about the new guy: You’re using him—again, just as you were used by your ex. You’re keeping the new guy around while you piece yourself back together, and spending his money. It’s not fair to him, and you know exactly how unfair it is because you’ve been in his position.

Read more: here 

The Root: In Defense of Tiny Harris's New Grey Eyes

Was I the only one who had absolutely no idea that people could permanently change their eye color with surgery? Apparently I was stuck in the ’90s, thinking that colored contacts, which never look real, were the only option. Who knew?

Apparently Tameka “Tiny” Harris—celeb mom, wife of rapper Clifford “T.I.” Harris and reality-TV star—did. During promotional rounds for her latest reality show, Tiny & Shekinah’s Weave Trip, fans noticed that Harris had a new enhancement: a new color she would eventually call “ice gray.” Harris turned to BrightOcular to permanently lighten her dark-brown eyes by having an implant of “thin, flexible, biocompatible, colored, medical-grade silicone” applied to her eyes. The procedure costs around $8,000.

Eyes are sensitive, which everyone knows. Some remembered the horrifying story that made the rounds last year of a Canadian woman who had a similar surgery to obtain green eyes and who claimed that she had become legally blind as a result of her beauty enhancement. (The BrightOcular website says the “patented design of the implant minimizes the risks of prolonged pressure increases in the eye that can lead to glaucoma and blindness.”) Seeing Harris’ new eyes, many wondered, what would compel her to put her vision at risk to become Pecola Breedlove’s fantasy come true?

“I saw that,” wrote a commenter on humor blogger Luvvie Ajayi’s Facebook page, where she lightheartedly tackles all things interesting (and Scandal), including Harris’ new eyes. “There’s no way, because I’d be terrified they’d ruin my vision or something.”

Another person commented: “WTF is wrong with contacts? I’m all for manipulating your looks however you please, but this procedure is hilariously bad.”

Other commenters jokingly compared Harris to a “white walker” from HBO’s Game of Thrones, Storm from Marvel’s X-Men comic books, or the gray-eyed (and scary) children from the 1960 movie Village of the Damned.

Harris’ new look is ... different. Not a choice I would make (full disclosure: My eyes are hazel), but I get it. Harris has had a tough row to hoe when it comes to public reactions to her appearance. Of course there’s the infamous (and uncalled for) Notorious B.I.G. lyrics on “Dreams” in which he rapped, “I’d rather f--k RuPaul than those ugly-ass Xscape bitches.” Ouch. Earlier this year, rapper Azealia Banks took a shot at Harris’ appearance when her husband dropped his single “No Mediocre.”

“U want no mediocre but ... Have you seen your wife?” Banks tweeted. Double ouch. Harris has also been compared to a lovable Muppet. Triple ouch. And there’s been no shortage of bloggers and commenters openly speculating why her husband, largely considered to be exceptionally physically attractive, is with her. Quadruple ouch.

All those body blows lead to my problem with the current round of criticism against Harris. She’s been ripped open for years because of her physical appearance. So why is she—and the many women like her—criticized for undergoing a procedure for something that she feels makes her more attractive? Didn’t the critics want her to fix up, look sharp? Or do they just want to hate?

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: He's Not Getting Me the Engagement Ring I Asked For

Dear Demetria:

My fiance told me to pick out an engagement ring. We found one that we both liked and was within the budget. He asked for specifications and pictures. I sent them to him. I asked if he was going to get it and he said I would get what I wanted. Now I think he got me a totally different ring, which would be fine. But now I feel like he's going back on his word. Help! —Anonymous

As I was reading your query, I fell into the same trap you did for a second. I wondered, "How is he her fiance, but there's no ring?" The truth is, though, you don't need one to be engaged or even married. You need a wedding license. A ring is a romantic gesture. I wasn't focused on the right thing for a second; neither are you. Let's both check ourselves here.

A male relative of mine put it this way:

The concept of a wedding ring has been indoctrinated [into] women as a sign of status/level of love to the point where they poison their relationship by focusing on something that is not important. Marriage is about the everyday, not about what you can show to your girls.

Welp.

If you're calling him your fiance, I'm guessing he has already asked you to spend your life with him and you said yes. I'm hoping that since it appears you've agreed to this, your man is a good guy who has your best interest at heart and wants to make you happy. If he isn't, you've got a bigger problem to focus on than the size, design or cost of the ring he purchased.

I'm going to be optimistic here and guess he's a good guy. If he is, you're focused on the wrong thing. The man you love loves you, too, and is committing to building a life with you. The bottom line here is, "Do you want to marry him or nah?" If you do, stop focusing on the ring.

If he purchased a different ring, it's either because his budget changed or he genuinely thinks you'll like the new ring better. No man who genuinely loves his woman sets out to get her a ring he doesn't think she wants. If your fiance is a good guy, he’s doing his best, even if he makes a detour with the plan. Is it also possible that the potentially new ring is bigger and "better" than what you asked for? Change isn't always bad.

You're talking about getting married. A universal truth held by nearly every happily married person I've ever spoken to is this: Choose your battles. On this one? Your best move is to stand down and smile. You want to marry him? Whatever he produces, your answer is "I love you!" "Thank you!" and/or "Yes!" You will seem entirely ungrateful, controlling and selfish to complain about the possibly different ring. Each of those qualities is a big turnoff that could make a man rethink his commitment.

Read more: here 

The Root: "I Got A Tattoo of My Man's Name, He Got My Initials"

Dear Demetria:

"I got a tattoo of my man's name. We were supposed to do this together. He said he would write mine. Instead, he does initials. I'm pissed and feel quite stupid because I think he tried to make it vague. My initials are A.S.K. I asked him why he didn't write out my name. He said, 'It's only for us.' Do I have a right to be pissed?" —A.S.K.

You have a right to feel any way you want. As Bobby Brown once explained, that's your prerogative. But being "pissed" doesn't solve anything. You are still branded with the name of a man who isn't even your husband. You've made a permanent mark on your canvas denoting a man who is temporary in your life and probably won't be around very long. Ouch! I know. But it's true.

If he planned for only you to see him naked in the future, then he would have gone through with the prior agreement. He half-wayed it because, while he likes you, he's keeping his options open for the possibility that this might not work out in the long run. It's not a bad compromise, but he should have told you what he was doing beforehand.

To be clear: This was a bad decision from the beginning. Inking your partner's name on your body shouldn't have been a consideration or discussion until a marriage license was signed and you'd both put a few years into the marriage. Even then, it's kind of crazy, but if both spouses are onboard? So be it. But marking yourself permanently without so much as a ring doesn't even make sense. You can't commit to forever with a partner, but you're willing to commit to a lasting reminder of the relationship on your body? Where, oh where, do they do this at?

I shared your dilemma with some friends online. A woman remarked that her tattoo artist once told her that she hated doing art with significant others' names. Why?

"Most of them end up being covered up," the artist said.

This situation also tells me a lot about your relationship. You're all in and see this as forever ever. Your partner is around for the time being. The communication is also off. You both agreed to do something; he didn't hold up his end of the deal. Instead of telling you, "Hey, I'm uncomfortable with this," he went ahead and did what was best for him and filled you in on the back end. That is not OK.

It sounds like he likes you—if he didn't, he wouldn't have gotten even your initials—but you're trying to push the commitment level of this relationship beyond what he's ready for and in the wrong way. You just found out the hard way that you can't force someone into a commitment that he or she isn't ready for.

Read more: here 

My Evening with Zane, Talking Sex Addiction, G-Spots & Panty Dropping

On September 18, I met up with Zane at The London hotel in New York City to discuss her latest project, the film adaption of "Addicted". Admittedly, I was a little nervous, which is both weird and totally expected. I've interviewed ALOT of A-Listers over the years and never batted a lash, even people I had fan-crushes on (withe the exception of Michael Ealy, in which I dropped my notes during the interview because of my proximity to physical excellence). But for writers (and artists I grew up listening too), I totally fan out, getting all tongue-tied and knocking things over.

When I began my career in book publishing in 2003, Zane was the gold standard for romance authors and an author with her sales were the goal for every editor and publisher. The writers on my roster did just fine in their own right, and together, we racked up plenty of awards and 5-star reviews, but we never made it to Zane stratosphere. She was in her own orbit.

In 2008, Zane released her least-selling book, The G-Spot, which was still highly successful if measured against any author's sales but her own. G-Spot was a well-organized Q&A format and Zane provided answers about sex. Sound familiar? Good. It should. G-spot was the blueprint for Don't Waste Your Pretty (available NOW on Amazon.com and Kindle).

So, yeah. I was nervous. And I told her she inspired my second book as I sipped a glass of Prosecco to calm my nerves. Zane sipped a Diet Coke even though it was her birthday and after I pried in her business, she told me that he sex life was indeed a "10!". We didn't talk about finances. After the interview, we talked shop about the business of being Black authors (full disclosure: we once shared a publisher). She wanted to know how I landed The Today Show in 2011 off of my first book, A Belle in Brooklyn. I wanted to know how she moves millions of books. Trade! At the end of the night, we exchanged numbers.

"If you ever need anything..." she offered.

"I will take you up on that," I accepted.

Check out the article I wrote for The Root about our encounter:

More than a decade ago, Zane, then an unknown suburban mother of three, changed the literary landscape when she self-published her first novel, Addicted. It was the deliciously freaky (and fictional) tale of a woman in similar circumstances, a mom of three, but this one had an insatiable appetite for sex—with three men other than her husband. The book’s success put Zane on the map, and the New York Times hailed the author for “giving voice to a new type of genre fiction: post-feminist African-American erotica.”

Fourteen New York Times best-sellers and two TV shows later, the queen of erotica is headed where she’s never been before: the big screen. The first (but probably not the last) film based on one of her books is Addicted (based on the novel of the same name), which hits theaters Friday. The Rootcaught up with Zane to discuss the sex lives of black women, whether Fifty Shades of Grey bit her style and the lack of mainstream coverage for black writers—unless, in Zane’s case, she’s filing for bankruptcy.

The Root: You self-published Addicted, your first novel, in 2000. Fourteen years later it’s on the big screen. It’s been a long journey to get here. What was the process?

Zane: It’s been a nine-year process. [Film studio] Lionsgate first contacted me [about turningAddicted into a film] in February 2005, but things fell apart. They came back to me in September 2011 while I was filming Zane’s the Jump Off for Cinemax. I said I would do it if we start shooting within a year, and we did.

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TR: How involved were you in the writing of the film version?

Zane: I do write film scripts and all the scripts for the TV series, and I was originally asked to write the script [for Addicted], but I chose not to. Addicted, to me, is one of my babies, almost. The book is about 95,000 words. The script is 25 percent of the word count from the book. The way it ultimately got pulled off is great, but we had to lose a lot. I don’t think I could have accepted that vision myself and see losing what we had to lose and still keeping the overall premise.

TR: Do you have a favorite scene from the film? Anything that will make the audience gasp or laugh out loud?

Zane: There are a lot of good scenes. We really did an effective job making the entire film interesting. There is one scene when Zoe [ played by Sharon Leal] is in a nightclub and spots Corey [Tyson Beckford]. The first time she saw him, they made eye contact. This time she walks by him and just drops her panties in his lap and goes to the ladies’ room. I think a lot of people are going to get a kick out of that. He’s just sitting there drinking a drink, and then panties in his lap.

TR: Addicted pushed a lot of boundaries in its exploration of black women’s sexuality when it was released. How do you think the perception of black women’s sexuality has changed since Addictedcame out?

Zane: I think women are more open about their feelings; they feel more liberated. I’ve had many women in their 40s and 50s tell me that they had never had an orgasm. Reading my books has made them open up enough to say what [they] want. If you really want someone to fall in love with you, the real you, you have to be transparent about who you are. And that includes your sexuality. There is nothing wrong with having desires—everybody has fantasies.

Read the full article: here 

Ask Demetria: Is a BF Responsible for Covering Emergency Bills?

Dear Demetria:

My best friend, who lives with her boyfriend, got into a car accident. Via mass email, she asked all her friends for money to help with the expensive repair. I said to her privately that her boyfriend should be handling that, not us. She called me judgmental and unrealistic, then we fought about my high expectations. In this instance, was I wrong? —Anonymous

It depends. There are two separate issues here. One is your response to a friend who was asking for help; the other is whether her boyfriend is responsible for covering her repairs.

Your response to a friend in need wasn’t wrong per se, but it also wasn’t right. Your girl is in need, and what you were supposed to do as a friend was let her know whether or not you could help, period. Telling her that her man is responsible for her finances wasn’t really your place. It sounds as if you didn’t want to cough up any money—and it’s your right to say no—but instead of just being honest about that, you tried to pass the buck to your friend’s man. That was overstepping the boundaries of your friendship.

Your friend may have asked her man for money and he didn’t have it or didn’t have enough to cover everything. Or maybe he said no to her request, too. After all, as a boyfriend, he isn’t obliged to cover her car repairs—just as you aren’t. The only person financially responsible for the car is your best friend, along with her insurance company. Speaking of which, why aren’t they covering the expensive repairs for her car? (If there was any question to ask your friend, this was it.)

But back to her boyfriend. I find many people these days have husband or wife expectations of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Covering or contributing to a major bill is a spouse duty, not a significant-other obligation. It’s nice when a boyfriend wants to pitch in to help, even though that can come with its own headaches, but he certainly shouldn’t be your primary option for bailing you out of a financial mess. Your man isn’t your personal ATM or a financial plan.

Your friend’s situation is a little tricky in that she and her partner live together, sort of like husband and wife, but without the primary benefits of that commitment. Their situation is a gray area, one in which couples get to pick and choose which traits of a spouse they will take on. This is one of the complications of living as husband and wife without actually being such. It seems that the boyfriend here has chosen not to cover the cost of the car repair as a husband typically would. And that’s fine, since he is, in fact, not a husband.

Read the Full Story on TheRoot.com 

Ask Demetria: How Do I Get My Lady to Trim the Hair 'Down There'?

Dear Demetria:

Is it polite for a man to ask a lady to trim herself “down there”? She really likes me to give her oral, but it’s difficult with so much growth. I’ve hinted about it, but she never seems to get it, and I’m considering the direct approach. Just don’t want to offend her, but I can’t take it anymore. Help! —Anonymous

An April 2014 Pace University survey, “How We Date, Have Sex, and Form Relationships Today,” included a section on the state of hair “down there.” Of the respondents, just 10 percent of men and 20 percent of women said they did no landscaping to their lawns, which I found startling, since questions like yours come up with startling frequency. The report found that the vast majority of people say they trim the hedges, and a third of women say they remove all the “greenery” (0 percent of men said they do), but I’m skeptical. Either folks are lying or the people who encounter the nonmaintenance types are a very vocal bunch—and understandably so.

Hair there is entirely natural and normal. But if she’s inviting you to her yard, she should at the very least organize and clean before you arrive. To not do so is the mark of a poor hostess. You’re trying to be a polite guest, with all the hinting and such, but just as when you visit someone’s home and ask for a glass of water if he or she doesn’t offer, you’ve got to speak up here, too, and let your hostess know what you’d like during your visit.

You’re frustrated that she hasn’t been taking hints well, but try not to let that get the best of you when you make your entirely reasonable request. Ask nicely for what you want—don’t demand—and add how much you enjoy her yard. (People are often supersensitive when anything about sex is critiqued, even when constructive.) Say you would just like a little more landscaping to occur to make your visit more pleasant, and ask what she thinks about that.

Essentially what you’re requesting is a little assistance from her to help you give her more pleasure more often. This should go over without much of a hitch.

A week later, our gentleman was back with a follow-up:

I took your advice, and my girlfriend got very angry. She said I “should be happy to get this [sex] and stop complaining.” Not sure what to do now except maybe get used to it. Unless you have any other advice ...

Seriously? Some people just don’t know which battles to fight, because this should not be one. She has you, a partner who is willing to please, and she won’t make a small concession to make it more convenient? This is a clear-cut case of blocking your blessings!

I respect her right to manicure her lawn how she pleases. But since she’s unwilling to accommodate guests, you should stop visiting.

Read the rest on TheRoot.com

The Root: "Everything You Were Afraid to Ask About Love"

If you ask Demetria Lucas what she thinks, be prepared for a jolt of raw reality. For the past few years life coach Lucas has dished out advice on everything from bad BFFs, falling for your FWB (friend with benefits) and freaky sex at her website, A Belle in Brooklyn, and in her column, Ask Demetria, at The Root.

She pulled together some of her favorite questions, and no-holds-barred responses, for a tantalizing new book, Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love.

The Root: What does the title mean: Don’t Waste Your Pretty?

Demetria Lucas: “Pretty” is shorthand for all the resources that women take for granted in the dating marketplace and often give away to the wrong person. Your “pretty” is your energy, emotional investment, time, listening skills, nurturing, sex, sacrifices, cheerleading, hand-holding, etc. The “pretty” I refer to in the book title is also a resource, but it’s the least important of what you bring to the table. Pretty gets you noticed across the room, but it’s everything else you bring to the table that keeps a potential partner calling and coming back.

TR: A lot of what you teach is old-school values: respecting yourself, protecting your health, your well-being and your money. Do you feel your message about values is getting through?

DL: I do. A lot of women—and men—didn’t get much guidance about how to date or create healthy relationships. They don’t know what they’re supposed to do, or not. They’re just doing the best they can.

I’ve had countless people write in to say they were skeptical of my advice, but what they were doing wasn’t working, so they figured, “Why not try what Belle said? I’ll speak to my mate a little softer. I’ll ask for what I want. I’ll stop looking away when a guy makes eye contact and I’ll smile instead.” And it worked. All people want is results, and if values get that, they’re happy to embrace it.

TR: You credit your parents and their marriage a lot with your ability to sort out the rights and wrongs of relationships. Do you think most women—or most of the women you counsel—are still looking for marriage? Or do they just want a relationship, even if it’s without the ring?

DL: Absolutely, for the vast majority of my readers and clients, marriage is still the ultimate goal. The single ladies want a relationship, then a ring, then a husband and then some kids. The women in long-term relationships still want a ring. The “mothers of child” want to become wives, if not to the father of their child, then to someone. There’s great fretting about the possibility of never getting married. “Just” a relationship is not enough.

TR: When you’ve met some of these women at book signings or other events, what kinds of things do they tell you about the advice you gave them?

Read the FULL STORY on TheRoot.com

5 Lessons in Dealing With a Crazy Ex

My ex broke up my last relationship, but I forgave him and we became cordial. When we were together, he treated me like crap, but in the spirit of forgiveness, I moved on and told him we could be friends but we were never getting back together. He kept spending money on me, insisting that he was doing it from the heart because when he was down and out, I was there for him in the clutch. He then began asking for sex. I said, “Hell no,” and that we were never getting back together.

I went away for four months to study abroad. He would say, “I love you,” “Can’t wait to see you,” “I miss you,” etc. I missed him, but not in the same way. I asked him to pick up things while I was away and told him I would pay him back. I got back; he insisted it was a gift.

Long story short, a guy I fell madly in love with last year (but things never worked out) tried to make things work again. He asked me to be with him, and I said, “Yes.” My ex snapped. I feel bad for hurting him because I never want to hurt anyone. But I told him that we were not getting back together. What do I do? —Anonymous

Sigh. There is so much wrong with this story. I’ll begin with the bottom line: You should move on

with the new guy and stop speaking to your ex for good. The relationship with your ex, the ongoing back and forth, the hazy gray area you’ve both been playing in? All of it is done, unless you want to sabotage your current relationship, too.

Now, let’s go back to the beginning and discuss the myriad bad decisions that led to your ex flipping out. Hopefully you can find the (many) teachable moments in your story:

1. When a guy treats you like “crap” as his girlfriend, you don’t befriend him. It’s one thing to not want to be in a relationship anymore. That doesn’t make anyone a bad person. But the guy strings you along and dogs you on the way out? That is not a friend. You don’t give him the privilege of remaining in your life. He had his shot. He screwed it up by treating you poorly.

2. Forgiveness does not mean friendship. You should forgive the person or people who wrong you. Not for them but for you, so you’re not walking around bitter and angry at someone who may not even care. But there is no part of “moving on” that says you have to forget how someone has treated you and pretend everything is fine. You can forgive and love from afar.

3. Men who aren’t related to you do not make a habit of buying you things just to do so. The vast majority want something in return. Your ex wanted to continue the sexual relationship. When you didn’t respond to him implying it, he straight up asked like you were a prostitute. Any ego stroke you were getting from his attention should have disappeared then.

Read more here.

Ask Demetria: Exclusivity Is For Relationships

Dear Demetria:

I’m not in a committed relationship, but I am dating someone (nothing physical). Another guy has asked me on a date, which I accepted. My friends are giving me grief, saying I should date one person at a time and give it a chance to grow. Am I wrong?” —Anonymous

Your friends are good people who are giving bad advice.

Exclusivity is for committed relationships, and since you aren’t in one, you shouldn’t act like you are. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t want you to see other people, then he should offer you a commitment and a title. And so you know, if he hasn’t asked you to be in a relationship, he’s not exclusive to you—and he shouldn’t be. He’s single.

Here’s the thing: What if you date this guy for months, finally ask him, “Where is this going?” and he comes back with, “I like things the way they are” or “I just want to be friends.” Then you’ve invested months getting to know someone who’s never going to be your boyfriend, and you’re left disappointed with no options on your plate. You’re stuck either sticking with a guy who doesn’t want to commit, and maybe trying to convince him to change his mind (pointless), or starting over from scratch after months invested and no commitment to show for it. That’s a waste of your pretty.

Exclusivity is also a resource. One of the many reasons that men commit, other than “just” liking you, is that they see you have a lot to offer. A man knows that if he sees it, other men will notice that, too, and he doesn’t want you entertaining other men.

A commitment is an attempt to keep you all to himself. When you give exclusivity away, you’re giving away one good reason for him to commit. He’s got one of the big bonuses of a relationship (and likely others, too) without actually being in one anyway. What’s the incentive here?

I challenge you to rethink what dating is—not a relationship status but an activity. Your goal while doing this activity is to have fun and evaluate the person you’re dating to see if you actually like him. That’s it. After you’ve spent a few months—you need to see his ups and, more important, his downs—then you discuss a relationship.

When you meet a man, even if you like him, don’t shut yourself off from other men. Keep going out, keep flirting, keep meeting people, and keep going on dates with anyone you find interesting and/or attractive. He is.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria: My Husband Says Birth Control Is My Problem...

Q: My husband and I are discussing stopping at baby No. 2. I’m fine with that, but not his solution. He wants me to get my tubes tied or get on birth control. I told him I don’t want to and suggested instead that he have a vasectomy or wear a condom. He said he’s not having an operation and he’s not wearing a condom. He says my body is already used to trauma since I give birth, so why not add the tubes to the operation?

It’s not fair that I have to carry his kids and then, on top of that, get on birth control just because he won’t wear a condom. I don’t know how else to explain to him that I’m not getting my tubes tied. I already gave up my body and career for our family and feel he’s getting the good side of stuff. How can we resolve this? —Anonymous

A: Consider this your heads-up that you’re not going to like my answer. Your husband’s point of view here is crass. There’s an issue that needs addressing, and he’s decided that you alone are the one who needs to address it. He’s not willing to take the most simple solution—a condom—because he doesn’t want to lose any pleasure. He is, however, comfortable placing the onus of solving this issue on you, since you’re “used to trauma” even though it requires significantly more sacrifice from you than it would from him.

Your husband is way too comfortable shucking the responsibility onto you. You’re right. It isn’t fair. But life isn’t.

Your frustration is understandable. That said, he’s made it 100 percent clear that he doesn’t consider family planning his problem. So unless you’re going to stop having sex after kid No. 2—it actually solves the current problem and addresses all concerns but raises an even bigger one—you’re going to have to pick up the ball he’s decided to drop in your lap.

The bottom line is that when it comes to childbearing and rearing, the primary sacrifice—body, time, energy—comes from you. If you want to ensure that you don’t have a house full of kids with someone who, I can tell by your question, you already don’t think pulls his weight, you need to make sure it doesn’t happen. That means you bite the bullet and go to your ob-gyn and have a conversation about your best options.

Now that we’ve addressed that, can we get to the real issue? You feel that you’re getting the short end of the stick in your marriage and you’re sick of it. You’re arguing about what’s “fair” and what you’ve “given up” and “his” kids, not “ours.” Family planning is just the battleground on which you’ve chosen to fight an ongoing war. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else, and it will become everything else until you feel that your husband is making sacrifices equal to yours.

Read more: here 

The Pre-Birthday Post: What Success Actually Looks Like, Part 2

Part One is here. 

The “helper” is good at her job. She tells me to get in the shower and she’ll deal with the guard. She’s been efficient thus far, so I head off to the shower with my arm-full of stuff and my bag of soap and multi-sized towels.

After my shower, I feel like a new woman. The helper returns and we wipe down the stall until it looks good as new.

When I’m dressed, I return to hospitality suite alone while my helper goes off elsewhere to, I guess, help other folks in need. She tells me there’s yet another hospitality suite down the hall, one with food. Good, I haven’t fed myself in about 14 hours. She tells me when I’m done with my make-up, I can meander on down that way. Perf.

I hole up in the bathroom, spreading my “tools” out on the counter, then climb up onto the counter and sit cross-legged on it to face the mirror. A make-up artist wasn’t in the budget and it wasn’t coming out of mine. I can’t beat my face with the skill of a good professional yet, but I can manage to look better than presentable if I have enough time. This time, I have two hours. (I won’t need all of that.) I blast Raheem DeVaughn on my from my iPhone while I get the job done.

Fast-forward. It’s almost showtime. The helper returned to take me from the hospitality suite to the convention center. My hair’s still big, so I’m immediately recognizable*, and from a distance. People begin to swarm around me and ask for pictures. My helper politely declines for me and promises there will be an opportunity when I’m on the step and repeat, where I’m headed.

The step and repeat is occupied by some folks who are locally famous, but I don’t recognize. I’m left off to the side, outside of the ropes, and I’m being swarmed by people who want to take pics. Saying “yes” is the right thing to do and I usually don’t mind. The only time I do is when I’m either a) out with my mother and certain friends who get highly annoyed by it; or b) when I’m about to go on stage. Striking a pose and the right smile 20x can be mentally exhausting and throws me off my game. Here’s the issue: if you take one, you have to take them with everyone who asks. I haven’t been doing this long enough to learn how to decline politely and without someone getting offended. I don’t know that there is a way to so.

My helper, helps… until a major black male bonafide celeb shows up and trumps my “I got next” spot. He’s a tall, wide, strikingly attractive man in a room full of three thousand women.  My helper gets a little star struck by him, as does everyone else. It’s like I’ve been doused in a cloak of invisibility, and I am thankful.

The actual appearance on stage goes well. The audience is engaged and laughing, and for the Q&A, there are plenty of questions. That means my colleagues and I killed it and the organizers are happy. There will be no conversations about duties unfulfilled  when it’s time to pay the balance of my check.

Once I’m at my actual hotel—way off site for reasons I don’t understand--  things go well enough. My friend, a New Yorker living temporarily relocated in the South for school lives an hour away and is on her way to see me. When she arrives, we drive around until we find a Cheesecake Factory and binge on avocado egg rolls for my only meal of the day.

We stuff ourselves into –itis territory and she decides to crash in my room and drive home in the morning. Fine. My flight is at 9AM. The organizers are sending someone to pick me up from the hotel in the morning and I’m sure I’ll be up before her so I remind her to check out on her way out. I promptly pass out.

My alarm goes off in the morning and my girl is in such a deep sleep that it doesn’t wake her, which is good. She’s got her own stressors, notably mid-terms and she’s been studying non-stop. I shower and dress with as little light as possible and head down to the lobby at 7:30 AM to wait for my ride— who never shows up.

I text my contact for the event at 7:45AM to ask about the driver. She says she’ll find the person.  She texts me back to say she’s really sorry, but she doesn’t know where he is. No solution for how I will get to the airport. This isn’t New York where I can just step outside and hail a cab at the closest corner. I have to call for one. The hotel attendant says they usually come in about 15-20 minutes. Um… I don’t have that long. I’ll miss my flight.

I go back upstairs, wake up my exhausted friend and ask her to drive me to the airport. Of course, she can. She throws on her clothes in a hurry, stumbles downstairs half-sleep— I know that feeling too well— and speeds me off to the airport.

I make my flight with time to spare. (Thanks, boo!) I never found out what happened to that mystery driver. And this time CBW shows up on time, and at the right airport. At least that part of this journey was a success.

*For anyone wondering why I’ve had braids so long, it’s a (not-so-great) "disguise". Most people don’t recognize me without my hair. I love meeting readers and viewers, but I’m also an introvert and it can be overwhelming.

EPISODE RECAP: Orange is the New Black, "Thirsty Bird"

*SPOILER ALERT * *SPOILER ALERT * *SPOILER ALERT * *SPOILER ALERT *

I've never been to prison. There was that one time I went to the county jail for a high school civic class (only Black girl, nearly all Black male prisoners. Bad day.) And there was another time I waited in the visitor's area of a jail for hours because my best friend got locked up for driving my car 100+ mph (while I was in it.) But that's the extent of my experience. I never got into  "Oz", so Orange is the New Black is my first "real" taste of TV prison, which I am clear is crafted for my amusement and dramatic effect.

As far as prisons go, fictional Litchfield is bad enough. There's the SHU which drives everyone crazy, and tampon sandwiches, and religious zealots with shanks. You have little privacy-- although you can get enough stolen moments for lady sex and to electrocute yourself for the high-- there are crazy people and emotionally disturbed people, and sociopathic people and to be fair, very normal people who made seriously bad choices, often out of necessity, unlike our annoying heroine Piper Chapman, who did it for the adventure. But as bad as Piper thought she had it, she’s about to learn it can always be worse.

Season 2 begins with Piper being transferred from SHU in the middle of the night via a "mystery bus", then onto a plane to an undetermined location. Turns out it's to a new prison-— a temporary, but indefinite assignment— in Chicago, one that lives up to the horror stories of prison and it's inmates that Litchfield did not. Chapman thinks it's a punishment for killing Pennsatucky in their season-ending snow fight, but actually it's because her ex-girlfriend's ex-boss is standing trial and Chapman and her ex, Alex Vouse, have been called to testify for the Feds. Piper may be many (horrid)  things, as Alex points out, but she is not a murderess.

At Litchfield, Piper squats and coughs upon entry. At The Metropolitan Detention Center, she bends over and grabs her ankles while a guard shines a flashlight up her ass. There's one hour of recreation time and one day a week in the yard, which is promptly cancelled when a fight breaks out because an inmate's "molest me, daddy" voice. Most of Piper's time is spent in a cell with her roommates, who include a Black woman who sings Aretha Franklin’s "Natural Woman" while taking one of her four—yes, four— daily bowel movements on a toilet in the cell, a Latina with a spider tattoo on her face who's killed 13 people-- and has the broken black hearts to prove it-- and perhaps the scariest of all, a white chick who Piper wrongly assumes is harmless because of her nerdy demeanor and odd interest in birth times and because Piper is Piper, her whiteness. But it's that chick, one with manic rage who once bit her girlfriend's tongue off and swallowed it, that climbs on top of Piper in the middle of the night and licks her face from chin to brow. Lesson: don't judge a book by its cover.

Piper starts off on the wrong foot with her new roommates when she  steps on a “Yoda”, a "biggie slow" cockroach capable of transporting cigarettes on their backs (with the help of toothpaste) from one cell to another. Piper is charged with finding a replacement— or else.

When Alex and Piper finally meet up in MPD, Alex has strict instructions for testifying: lie. Alex's ex boss incorporates "revenge as part of his business model... sick, deep revenge", Alex says, and she suggests they both lie about knowing him so as to escape his wrath.  Piper eventually decides to go along with this plan and lies on the stand, much to the dismay of her lawyer, her ex-fiance’s father.

Alex doesn’t take her own advice though. She tells the truth about her relationship with her old boss, and it conveniently lands her out of jail. I’m not sure whether she set Piper up so she would be more important to prosecutors as the only one who had testimony against her ex-boss or as Alex explains to Piper on her way out of jail, “everything just  happened so fast” and she really did just  change her mind at the last minute. (I've watched the whole season and still can't figure it out.)

Either way, Piper is in, possibly with a perjury charge coming, as her lawyer points out. And Alex is out.

Some other thoughts:

*I get that the crux of the show is Piper’s fish-out-of-water perspective on prison life, and she is supposed to represent the viewer, one privileged enough to own a laptop, have wi-fi, and a the disposable income for a Netflix account. And still, Piper’s middle-class cluelessness and inability to grasp the basic nuances of prison life or recognize her privileges is hella annoying. You’re asking the guard on an inmate transportation bus if he can stop to have a bathroom break? Really? In fairness, the flashbacks to her childhood show that she can't really help it. F---ed up people raise f---ed up kids.

*On the plane to Chicago, Piper sits next to an inmate who looks like what I imagine Ellen would if she never had money and did hard drugs. As much as Piper is freaking out about not knowing where she’s going, Lolly, who carries a “glob” of Vaseline in her ear to keep her face hydrated on the plane ride, doesn’t care. She’s excited for anywhere that has food daily, heat and a bed because “it’s better than where I been.” Prison is a preferable option to whatever she faced on the “outside.” And given the conditions of where they end up and how Lolly gets beat up in the prison yard, that’s scary.

*We don’t get many Black guys on a show about life in a women’s prison, but the self-described “predator” in this episode is the scariest and most stereotypical image of a Black prisoner ever— sort of. Piper thinks he’s a rapist, and it’s not far-fetched given his leers on the plane and the way he grabs his d--- at her in her in the cafeteria. That, and when Piper tries to barter a hand job in exchange for him passing a message to Alex, he asks for her four-day old panties as payment. I was as relieved as Piper to find out he was a hitman. I don’t like Piper very much, but I don’t want anything even worse to happen to her.

What did everybody else think of the FIRST episode?