Watch Now: WE Tv's "Match Made in Heaven"

I swore up and down I wasn’t taking on any new TV shows this season. Between “Empire”, “Being Mary Jane”, “Scandal” and the return of “Walking Dead” threatening to take over my winter, there was just no room to tap into pop culture and still be productive. But I’m making one more exception this season for WE Tv’s "Match Made in Heaven” (Wednesdays, 8PM, WE Tv), which features “America’s first Black bachelor” (no Flavor Flav and Ray J don’t count.)

I was intrigued after seeing the commercials for the show. I’m a former romance book editor (I started my career editing books for Arabesque and Harlequin) and I love all the romance, wining and dining, and the search to find “The One”. But, I was still skeptical, given the “black bachelor” TV- history of "Flavor of Love" and "For the Love of Ray J”. I wanted to see more connection — as much as you can have filming a show— and less coonery.

Last week, I reached out to “Match Made in Heaven’s” bachelor, Shawn Bullard, to get the scoop, and really, to figure out if the show was worth my time. By the end of the interview, I was sold enough to check out the first episode.

"Black men are not portrayed the best on reality TV,” Bullard admitted. "We’re always yelling and calling women the b-name. I wanted to show another side to us. I wanted to be the professional gentleman, an educated, articulate black man, one who would let the world know that we know how to treat our women, how to court them, how to make them smile, how to talk to them.”

“Match Made in Heaven” follows the standard premise of all the “looking for love” shows. One man, in this case a 34 year old very attractive (and chiseled) millionaire, looking for love amongst a gaggle of ladies who have varying degrees of act-right.

Bullard’s search for love is assisted by Pastor Ken Johnson aka Pastor J, who has been married for 32 years and acts as a “den father” to the women. (There are pimp-ish connotations here because of Pastor J’s choice of suits and overall demeanor, but he’s not skeevy, save for the occasional Nelly quote.) For Bullard, Pastor J functions as an advisor of sorts, one who will point out a woman than Bullard may be overlooking, arrange a date, or save a lady from elimination.

In the first episode, Pastor J warns “Match Made in Heaven" may "get loud and sometimes it’s going to get nasty and ugly.” In our interview, Bullard ranked  the show as just a 2 on the ratchet meter, just enough to keep the audience entertained, but nothing to disgrace The Community.

There’s just a bit of that in the first episode. The group of ladies are mostly in their early 20s, with a few in their early 30s for good measure. The standard outrageous “types” for this sort of show are present. Among the 24, there’s a weedhead, a born-again virgin, a woman who’s “not here to make friends” , a woman I’m pretty sure is an exotic dancer, another woman who I can’t decide is a lesbian or bisexual, and finally an overwhelming assortment of blond white girls (they provide most of the drama), which Bullard doesn’t seem all that interested in so far (confession: I’ve already seen the next couple episodes.) There are also several women— more than normal for a show like this— who appear entirely sane. This is a good thing.

The only thing missing from the debut is Bullard’s mama, Maggie Bullard, who appears in the commercials. I got two words: fired up. And I’m done. I got to more: turn up. And I’m done. Mama Bullard, what I expect “Cookie” from Empire will eventually become, doesn’t show up until Episode 3, and she is worth the wait.

Check out the first episode and tell me what you think.

[embed]http://vimeo.com/119179935[/embed]

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Belle on the TJMS: How to Handle V-Day When You're Single

 

This morning, I called into the Tom Joyner Morning Show to speak with the crew, plus my friend and TJMS correspondent Jacque Reid, about how to celebrate Valentine’s Day if you're single (or about to be). 

Check out the audio here. 

From BlackAmericaWeb.com:

Jacque Reid talks to Demetria Lucas, author of ‘Don’t Waste Your Pretty’ and star of [That Show] about what women should do on Valentine’s Day if they’re single.

“If you’re in a relationship you definitely need to get him a gift. He wants to be pampered just like you. But the end goal is a little sex,” Lucas said.

JR: Should accept gifts from a guy you’re not into:

“If you’re not feeling him you shouldn’t just use him for dinner companionship.”

JR: What if he’s it? There’s no one else?

You need to suck it up and be alone.

JR: What should you do if you’re single:

“This is your day to hang out with your girlfriends, have a staycation, go out to the spa, do all the things in your city that you’ve always wanted to do , but never have time.... Valentine’s Day is not all about romantic love, you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to.

Jay: Should ladies send themselves flowers if they don’t have anyone?

I’m not mad it. If you want some roses, buy yourself some roses.

TJ: Is it possible for standards to be too high?

Yes, absolutely. If you can’t meet anyone, at all, ever and there’s a problem with everyone? It’s not them, it’s you.

JR: V-Day can be a make or break time. What if it’s just not working out. Should you cut ties before Valentine’s Day?

Every man in America is gonna be mad at me: No. Stay on and get your flowers and your gifts and have a good day. You put in the work to get that far, you get your reward.

Check out the full interview: HERE

Ask Demetria: The Mother of His Child Wants to Come to Our Wedding

Dear Demetria:

I’m getting married later this year. My fiance’s son is in the wedding and reception, and his mother wants to come to the reception. I said "yes" to the wedding, but she and I aren’t friends. No hard feelings toward her, I just don’t want her at my reception. My fiance said it’s not a big deal. How to handle this? —Anonymous

There’s no “right” answer here. I’ve thought about it a lot, and even I can’t settle on one. Let me present you with some ideas to consider that may help you make a final decision.

First, I don’t get why the ex would want to come to the wedding. It’s not for the kid, no matter how old he is. His father is present, and since it’s a wedding where his father is the groom, there likely will be grandparents, aunts and uncles and maybe even godparents present—i.e., plenty of family and “like family” people to watch over the child. So safety isn’t a valid concern, and surely the child has been alone with his father before.

Maybe this is some sort of closure for her? If she still has feelings for her ex, it could be like when a casket is closed at the funeral. Maybe there’s another way of looking at this. She may be over her child’s father, and her asking to attend the wedding is her way of showing support for the union—and for you, as the soon-to-be stepmother of her child. Not all exes sit around pining for what was.

The ex has been bold enough to ask for an invite, which is supremely bad etiquette. So you should be bold enough to ask her why she wants to come. Don’t be rude, but do be curious. It is a valid question.

Speaking of etiquette, it’s also rude to extend an invite to the wedding but not the reception. “If you invite someone to your wedding, they should be a part of the entire event,” says Lauren Beamon of Elle’s Couture Events (who was also my wedding planner). “Inviting someone to just the ceremony and not the entire wedding is like asking someone to come to a dinner party but telling them they can’t have dinner.”

But beyond the rudeness—and maybe you don’t mind being such on your wedding day—the ceremony is actually the sacred part of the wedding events. The reception is a celebration. You don’t know why your fiance’s ex wants to attend (which is why you should ask, to judge her motives), but on the off chance that she has some ill intentions, what you really don’t want is someone with bad energy sitting there and sending bad juju while she witnesses your vows—or, better yet, objecting to them when the minister asks.

Maybe you’re concerned about paying for her plate at the reception, or just unwilling to do so on general principle. Maybe you just don’t want her there because she’s an ex. I get that, especially the latter reason. But if you’re going to invite her to any part of the festivities, opt for the reception over the ceremony. The ceremony is really the part you need to have go off without a hitch.

Read the full story on THE ROOT 

Meet Shawn Bullard, the First (Sorta) Black Bachelor

Maybe you remember this: A couple of years ago, The Bachelor—ABC’s megahit reality show featuring (nonblack) men, with access to an inordinate number of roses, who were looking for love while the cameras rolled on—was accused of being racist. In 19 seasons of the show, there had never been a black bachelor. There was even a lawsuit in 2012 over it. Despite the outcry, ABC never stepped up to the plate.

But WeTV did. Enter Match Made in Heaven, a new reality show featuring Shawn Bullard, a 34-year-old, once-engaged but never-married, real estate developer, who the network is billing as “America’s First Black Bachelor.” (Are we not counting Flavor Flav?) Bullard is looking for TV-love from among 24 women of various hues. The show also features his mother, Maggie Bullard, who in a preview takes a not-so-subtle shot at ABC’s bachelor blackout by asking, “Why settle for a rose, when you can have chocolate?” Shady.

The Root caught up with Bullard hours before the launch of his new show (Wednesdays at 8 p.m.) to find out where Match Made in Heaven ranks on the ratchet meter (not high, Bullard says), what took TV so long to get a black bachelor (it’s official: we are not counting Flavor Flav), and if Bullard actually found love in front of the camera (hint: yes).

The Root: What made you want to participate in Match Made in Heaven?

Shawn Bullard: Black men are not portrayed the best on reality TV. We’re always yelling and calling women the b-name. I wanted to show another side to us. I wanted to be the professional gentleman, an educated, articulate black man, one who would let the world know that we know how to treat our women, how to court them, how to make them smile, how to talk to them. And in the process, I had a 50-50 chance of finding love.

TR: I mostly write about dating and relationships, and there is so much talk about how hard it is for a woman to find the right man. Is it equally hard for a man to find the right woman?

SB: It depends. There are choices of women for men. But there are a lot of men who still think a woman is supposed to do everything they say, not make more than a man, not be as outspoken as a man. If a man has those thoughts, it’s hard for him, but it’s never hard to treat a woman right. Whether you’re with her for the long haul or momentarily, it’s never hard to treat a woman with respect.

TR: What are you looking for in a partner?

SB: I like to think of the woman that I’m with as, not as competition, but a challenge for us to grow together. I want a woman who can command a room. She has to be intelligent, self-motivated, curvy and have self-respect. I want a woman that I can take to the mayor’s ball or I can bring her to the hood. I’m an all-around. I want her to be the same.

Read more on The Root 

Ask Demetria: Should I Meet Up With An Abusive Ex Who Owes Me Money?

Dear Demetria:

"A guy I was in an abusive relationship with owes me money. We lived together and he didn't uphold his part of the bills. We got evicted. He says that he will pay back the money, but only if I see/meet up with him. What are your thoughts? (He owes thousands.)" —Anonymous

The money isn’t worth meeting up with him. If he really wanted to do the right thing, he wouldn’t hold stipulations over your head for him to do it. He knows he was wrong for not paying the bills over time (and it was a long time, because a landlord has to get a court order to have someone evicted, and that’s not a simple or short process). And he knows he owes you money. If he only wanted you to have the money and just wanted to be an upstanding guy on the back end, he would put a check or money order in the mail, send the money via PayPal or transfer it to your account.

He’s still playing games with you. Saying he’ll only do X if you do Y is just another way to manipulate and control you, which I’m sure he made a habit of doing throughout the abusive relationship.

But I get why you may want to meet with him. “Thousands” of dollars is nothing to scoff at, and if the situation got to the point where you were evicted, you didn’t have the funds to cover the bills on your own. I’m guessing that you spent what you had to stay in your place and came up short. And if you were evicted, you need the money he owes to get back on your feet. You probably also still care about him, despite the abuse.

Your best course of action is to gather what evidence you have that he owes you money and take him to small-claims court. If you insist on meeting up with him—and I do not suggest that you do—it needs to be in a public place (like a police station). And take with you the biggest man you have in your life—someone who will intimidate your ex and make him think twice about being abusive.

Under no circumstances should you meet with your ex alone. Again, to be clear, I prefer that you not go. Your safety is worth more than the money.

If it sounds as if I’m making a big deal about this meet-up, it’s because I am. At best, you’ll meet up with him and he’ll try to sweet-talk you into reigniting the relationship. Maybe he’ll apologize to you. And just maybe you’ll actually get the money he owes. At worst, he’ll become abusive during the encounter.

The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves it. In domestic-abuse cases, 70 percent of the violence happens after the woman leaves the relationship. A friend shared with me something that happened to a friend of hers: “The guy asked to see her to talk. He shot her four times, then killed himself,” she said. “Thank God she survived.”

Read the full story on The Root

Ask FM UPDATE 2 : #justthetip

Dear Demetria:

“I accidentally took my girl's virginity. I know how this sounds, but I swear it was a weird accident. My girl wants to wait until marriage. In the meantime, we do everything but penetration. Last night, we humping. I got her legs on my shoulder and I'm moving. I made a wrong move or something.

#Accident!!! The next thing I know, I’m in. But not all the way in, just the tip. My girl starts screaming and punching me. She’s asking me what did I just do. She telling me I ruined her virginity and this wasn't how she wanted to lose it. I feel like sh--, man. Unfixable or nah? PS: I love her.

—   Anonymous

Sir…

This is much.

Let me start with the obvious. If you’re not trying to have sex for whatever reason, it’s just not a good idea to get naked, at least below the waist, and start grinding with someone you’re in love with, or anyone, really. Life and biology and sh-- happen. But you know this now. So going forward, at least one of ya’ll needs to keep some underwear on if you don’t want this to happen again. Preferably “the” both of you.

Also, if you’re gonna go this route of everything-but-penetration, then condoms need to be used. I’m not saying you “have anything”. I’m saying you both don’t need to “have anything”, as in a baby. You don’t necessarily need to put all the penis in to get her pregnant.

And because I’m assuming hoping you’re both really young, and it seems neither of you has had a proper sex talk or sex education, I’ll add that if you’ve had sex before, you need to get tested for STIs, including HIV, to protect yourself and your girlfriend.

Now for the most uncomfortable part of this conversation, which is two parts:

It’s confusing to me—and many readers—how you were able to enter your girlfriend, even with the tip, with such ease.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve even seen a virgin” said a friend in his mid-30s. “But I’m 90 percent sure you don’t just find yourself in The Promised Land.  I don’t want to get too graphic, but it’s been a couple times it’s been impossible, like, “’Maybe we should try this another time….’, ‘Not sure this is working’.”

Another guy, also in his 30s, added, “Wait! Sooooooo you just slip in on a virgin? That’s now it works.,. That’s not how any of this works.”

So, if the details you gave about your action are accurate, there are two possibilities that stand out:

A) This ain’t the first time this—or more— has happened with your girl. She may not have sex with you, she may not have even had sex. But there has been some sexual activity in the area either with you or prior to you.

B) You forced your penis in her vagina, which since you know she didn’t want you to— despite the legs and uncovered vagina— is… rape-y.  I hesitate to call it rape because if I’m not being feminist –PC, I honestly get how you could think in the moment, “she wants this D!” when you’re looking at her vagina, she’s got her legs spread in the air in front of you.

The screaming and the hitting don’t bode well for you. She could have been in pain from you putting your penis—even the tip—in. Or she could have felt that you violated her. Or it could be both. That’s where this story gets weird. I would love to know her version of it.

I pray Option A is most applicable here:  she’s had some experience, you haven’t had enough, and ish just kind of happened, as it’s prone to when two naked people grind on each other.

Your girlfriend also has to take some responsibility here. Grinding with naked sexual parts was more likely to lead to this outcome— and more— than not. And she’s sending profoundly mixed signals. She can set her boundaries with her body however she likes, but essentially telling a man “grind your naked penis on my naked vagina, but don’t stick it in” is just poor judgment.  If she wants to remain a virgin until marriage, then she needs not place her naked vagina in the clear and obvious vicinity of a naked penis.

Still. She’s pissed, so you got to make this better. Apologize, explain, apologize again. Offer to abstain from this “everything but” activity for awhile so she knows you’re serious. And when it starts back up again—because it will—for the love of Hova, keep your draws on. And you need to wear a condom just in case. I’m saying. I’ve been 18. Life happens. Be safe when it does.

Oh, and the relationship is likely fixable. Her virginity… no, that’s not how it works. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

So, I posted this query as the "QOTD" on Instagram this morning and readers were too through with this story. 300 comments on Instagram, 100+ on FB, and RPs and "shares" everywhere. Fortunately, or un-, depending on the perspective, the OP (original poster) was reading all of your comments. (This is why I delete/block people who insult the posters. Critique the behavior, not the person.) Anyway, the OP wrote back in to clear some things up, and provide some more details:

#OP Accident!!! Man, some of your people’s are hard on a Bruh. I didn't rape my girl. It was an accident! When I say we do everything but [sex], I mean like head, I use my fingers and now her toy that her big sister brought her for her 18th birthday. I'm not some loser trying to get some.

#Accident!!! This our last year of high school. When we graduate I’m going to marry her.Our moms just going to have to be mad. I want her to be a honest woman. I love her so I want to do right by her. So we are getting married, get a place and go to college together. That’s the plan.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Um… your GF’s virgin status is highly questionable.  Again, I’m not saying she’s been penetrated by someone else, but toys and fingers and tongues in vagina aren’t how virginity works. Send her this way is she needs clarification.;

Good luck on the marriage. And college.

So. The young man who wrote in intitally, wrote it again after he showed this post to his girlfriend. Then they write in together. Her take on this? More or less, The Holy Bible says no sex, but it doesn't outlaw any of the stuff-- toys, fingers, mouths— that her and her BF are currently doing. They're keeping it Christian. Check it out:

"#ACCIDENT! showed my girl your answer here is her answer: "I grew up in a Christian house, where we were taught about being pure and holy. No one talks about needs or how to be pure if your horny. Ot even what to do when your horny other then prayer. No where in the bible does it say no oral..."

I admit, I haven't been to church in a minute. But I used to go. And my grandfather was a pastor. I sat through a LOT of Bible study and sermons as a kid and teenage girl.

From what I recall about religion and sex, penis penetration, toys, masturbation, fingering, oral sex--giving and receiving-- are all off limits to unmarried Christian folk.

Again, your body, your choice. But if you're trying to abide by the Christian way, until you're married, everything you're currently doing sexually with your boyfriend is off limits.

"#Accident!!! Both of us want to tell you thank you. I thought I would have to talk to my mother about it. dude she would have beat our asses

lol. I got you. Just wrap it up. And wear your draws."

Confession: I Wash My Hair in the Bath Tub!

I wake up the other morning, and head to the bathroom, because I’m human and that’s what most of us do.

The night before, I stayed up til 2AM dyeing my hair “natural black”, which for anyone whose ever dyed their hair black at home knows that really means “jet black.” And then I twisted it. (I am obsessed with the Curl Souffle by Curls. It makes my hair soft and CBW likes to sniff it.)  And then I spent the next hour and half, wiping down everything, because while I’ve more or less mastered how to do damn near everything to my hair, I haven’t, in all these years, figured out how not to make a mess.

So I’m in bed by 4:30, up by 8 to write. And I walk into the bathroom to see CBW bent over the tub in his “work jeans”,  you know the ones that guys only wear to shovel snow, and paint, and move stuff in. The floor mats are discarded in a pile in a corner and there are dirty wet towels all over the bathroom floor. And a reconfigured hanger. This is not how I left things the night before.

Me: What are you doing?

I should have known the answer.

Him: The tub was clogged AGAIN!!!!

He doesn’t say it. He roars it.

Now, CBW is usually pretty mild tempered. Like he takes the Jamaican stereotype of “No Problem” to the next level most of the time. But today he is pissed, and I can’t blame him. This isn't the first time the tub has been clogged.

Oh, why the tub, you ask? Because that’s where I wash my hair.

I balance on my knees and bend my head under the faucet to wash my hair. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s the only water supply in the house with enough pressure to get-up-in all my fluff. I got hair. A lot of it. And that sink and that little spray-y thing that I can’t remember the name of will get water in my hair, but it won’t get the grime or the shampoo out. If I want clean hair, it’s to the tub I go.

I’ve been doing this for years, and never thought of it as remotely abnormal until CBW moved in. He comes home one day, sees me kneeling on the tub with my tush in the air and is like, “uhh… I like it. I don’t know what you’re doing, I’m confused by it, but I like it." What he doesn’t like is that it clogs the drain.

So. Before you think I’m an animal for leaving the tub clogged, I did not know it was clogged this time. I used The Method the last time I washed my hair in the tub. It should’ve been fine… ish.

Ok. So The Method is me getting that curved needle that folks use to highlight hair when you pull it through the plastic highlighting cap. The drain has a silver cap on it, with holes in it. So every other time, I wash my hair, afterward, I stick the needle in the drain, and pull the stuck hair out, so that it won’t get clogged. For excessive clogs, I pour Dran-O down there, which a guy friend told me to stop doing all the time because eventually it erodes your pipes. When I stopped using Dran-O, the tub backed up all the time, which is how we arrive at the current problem.

Anyway, maybe I had some massive shedding last night, or maybe I’m not getting all the hair out with the hook and it’s piled up. (Ding!)

CBW points to the drain. He’s removed the drain cap so I can see down into the drain. It’s gross in there. There’s gumps of hair, not like, cute little kinks, coils and spirals. Like it looks like it could crawl out and attack me.

Oh, dear.

So because it’s my hair and it’s super gross, I offer to get it out using The Method. He looks at me like I’m simple. I take that at my cue to pee and leave him to his own devices. (Secretly, men love to fix ish… just not, perhaps at 8AM when they need to take a shower and get to work on time.)

So because my normally mellow husband is pissed about the tub being clogged—again— I figured maybe I should take some preventive measure to avoid this problem in the future.

So I did what I always do when I’m clueless, I asked. And lo and behold this is a REALLY common problem, especially for natural girls. (And look at me, thinking I was alone on this one.)

How to unclog your drain—or keep it from being clogged in the first place, AND without ruining your pipes:

1. Before and after you wash your hair pour boiling hot water down the drain.  Another suggestion was to pour a mixture of backing soda and vinegar down there, let it sit overnight, then pour boiling water down.

2. Place a stocking or a knee high over the drain. Water passes but catches the hair, then just throw the hair away. (Simple enough, and yes, it works.)

3. Pour pre-mixed relaxers down the drain. FB friend 

‪Barhynn J.  swears by this. “ Iit eats the hair right up” she says. “Sorry ladies with relaxed hair.

4. Another “friend” 

‪Heather S. actually enjoys taking the drain apart and physically removes the hair once a month. “I snake the drain, and put everything back. It's annoying but it makes me feel like MacGuyver.” LOL.

5.And for the ladies that can’t be bothered with all of that, there are drain strainers. If you have a drain cap, remove it and put this one in its place.

My real-world friend Nicole H. swears by this one. "It catches all my hair during and post wash...and it is easy to clean," she says.

And because aesthetics matter:  Another friend added, "It's very easy to install (simply replace the drain plate). The hair basket is made of plastic while the outer rim is metal. After ordering it, I regretted getting the white version instead of the metallic one, because I thought it might look cheap. But it doesn't look cheap at all."

Happy (co-) washing!

The Backstory: The 40 y.o. Woman Who Married Herself

 

I interviewed the 40-year old woman who married herself. This is the "behind the scenes" version of how it came to be.

So, seemingly every Black new site ran the story of Yasmin Eleby, the 40-year old woman who married herself on January 3. No one, except the person who published the original story, thought to track her down — including me.

I wanted to write on this, for the obvious reason that nearly all I write about is dating and relationships, and well, it was so damn fascinating. Like I'm looking at the pictures, and the decor, and as someone who just had a wedding and knows how much everything costs (at least in New York), I can tell she dropped some dough on it. And I'm wondering, what was she thinking? But not in the outraged way, I really wanted to know. I'm ashamed my first inclination was to ask.

I guessed that she was 40, really wanted a ceremony since a lot of women dream of one their whole lives, and said something like, "f--- it! I'll just do it myself." I took as a way of claiming what she wants-- or at least part of it, since I assume the dream probably included a man standing at the altar with her. If her logic was "F-- it!", I thought maybe this was empowering as opposed to desperate, as many people who read about it took it as.

So I pitched the story to my editor at The Root (I have two weekly columns there), about viewing this act through a different lens. I mean, she looks happy in the pictures floating around the Internet, and it's not like she was hurting anyone, so...

My editor had another idea. "Would be great if you could interview her", she wrote back. Oh. Why didn't I think of that?

So I tracked her down on Facebook, and sent a message. I noticed that her page hadn't been updated since her nuptials, and guessed that maybe she was taking a break from social media. I mean, she's not a celeb who's used to the attention, she's the center of a viral news story, and most sane people would be overwhelmed by all the interest, and shattered by the comments.

I searched for any friends we might have in common. There was one, a woman I'd met at a networking event I attended in December 2013. So I sent her an email to see if perhaps they were more than Facebook friends, and she knew how to get in touch with her.  She did. After a bit of back and forth-- people are always skeptical of journalists-- Yasmin agreed to do the interview.

Her friend called me on three-way with Yasmin on the phone. Now, I hate doing interviews with an "audience". People tend to be much more guarded when someone they know is in the room and honestly, much less resistant to journalist's "skills", i.e., the way we ask questions to get the people we're interviewing to say things they don't always want to say. (Its' for that reason, I always keep a publicist in the room/on the line when I do interviews.)

This was Yasmin's first interview. Ever. Some people get all tongue-tied and nervous. But she'd been reading the comments and had a LOT to say.

Check out the (mostly) COMPLETE interview:

Me: Where did you come up with the idea to marry yourself?

Yasmin: For a few years I’d been joking f that if I didn’t have a weeding by 40 that I would just have one myself without a groom. And the closer that it got,  I realized Ihad to put up or shut up. I thought having a wedding ceremony would be a unique way to celebrate my 40th with my family and my friends.

When you told your friends, like “hey guys, I’m going to have  a wedding and marry myself!”, what did your friends say?

Some of them didn’t believe me. They thought I was joking, but once I explained to them what it would be about, they were supportive

And when you say what it would be about, what exactly do you mean?

The ceremony is not about me being bitter for not having a man. It wasn’t like, "Okay, I’m upset that I’m 40 and don’t have a man”. That's totally not the purpose. The purpose was, I wanted to show others as well as myself, my self love, my self worth and my self respect. It was always about me loving me. And not having to seek attention from others, knowing that’ I’m okay with just me. When God sends me my husband, he will come, but until then, i’m okay just being with me.

How long did it take you to plan the ceremony?

I started planning in August.

Was this the wedding you’d always dreamed of, but like without the groom, I guess?

 I didn’t have a dream wedding in mind. When i was talking with the planner, they were like what is your vision. I had two criteria, no pink, and no tall table decorations. It was pretty open.

How much did it cost?

I haven’t [added up] the bills yet. I had enough money to pay for what I wanted.

How many guests? 

160

*Her friend interrupts to note there were three ministers: sister, neice, and a friend*.

What were your vows like?

Oh, it was beautiful. The first one was about forgiving myself. We’ve all made mistakes. I have to realize that if I ask for forgiveness then it's done. I don’t have to keep dwelling on the past. I can let it go. My second vow was to honor myself as a beautiful, fabulous being conscious of making decisions for myself and to honor my self worth. The third vow was love. The promise to love myself and to know that more love I have for myself, the more love I have to share with others.

How many bridesmaids? 

Ten.

So you have this wedding ceremony and press covers it. 

I didn’t invite press, someone invited someone and that person wanted to write about it.

So that magazine writes about it and 3 weeks later, this whole thing goes viral and every major publication is  talking about. What’s been your reaction to all of this?

I am totally shocked how me loving myself is offending somebody else. What I did wasn’t meant to disrespect anyone else, to hurt or offend anyone else. It was just a way to celebrate with my friends and my family 40 years that I’ve had on this earth, that God has granted me. And some of my friends haven’t made it that long, some of my classmates and my family haven't. I have been blessed. And I wanted to celebrate that blessing. And I’m really shocked that made some people upset.

Do you have any regrets?

Not one.

 

Did you buy yourself a ring?

Yes.

What’s it like?

My favorite color is purple. One of my favorite gemstone is amethyst. It's an amethyst and diamond eternity band.

What do you do for a living?

I teach kindergarten.

What did people say when you said, “Hey, I want you to come to my wedding for myself!”

Not very many people knew it was a wedding. It was kind of a surprise. The invitations just said come celebrate my birthday in a unique way. But I invited my exes because we had a serious relationship, and we were very good friends, it just didn’t lead to marriage. Even though the relationship ended, it ended ambicaly and we are still friends, we talk, we keep in touch. I invited them and they came. They were happy for me. They were excited about it once they got there and realized what was happening.

Do you think that— your version of this is very sweet. Do you  think it’s been blown out of proportion in what people have been reporting in the media?

Yes. It has been blown way out of proportion. From the few comments that I’ve  read, and I try not to read very many... They’re trying to paint me as crazy or bitter about not having a husband and that is so not the case. I’m not bitter, I‘m not crazy. I’m just a fun loving, unique individual and I just wanted to do something special and different.

Have you ever done anything like this before? There was a picture on your  FB profile of you in a wedding dress with an effigy of Idris Elba in a tuxedo. There was a golf cart that said “Just Married”

In my community there are a lot of people who drive golf carts, so I came up with the idea to have a golf cart parade. Everybody decorated this golf carts in different themes, so that year my theme was “Just Married.” The year before was Mardi Gras. And before that, Easter.

I get the sense that you like to do it big when you do events. 

 Yeah, I do.

When was your last relationship? 

My last serious relationship? 5-6 years ago. Ive dated, but..

Do you still want to get married?

Sure.

Do you think this will create a trend? A couple other women have done this. 

That wasn’t my intention to start a trend. But I would love it if other people—men and women— had enough self love and self worth and they wanted to commit themselves to themselves, I would say go for it. It will only make you a better person. you can not be with someone else if you don’t love yourself.

 

I agree. Would you recommend this to others?

I would. At the ceremony, the feedback that I got is that it really gave them something to think about. Everybody left that place feeling  better than when they came. Like at the end of the ceremony, I was singing “I Believe I Can Fly”and I got to the second verse, there’s a line that says, “I know that there are miracles and life that I must acheiecve, but first it starts inside of me..." And after I sang that, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I just broke down, boohooing. I’m looking around, everybody else is dabbing their eyes, and some of the people in the audience had to finish the song for me.

Awww. 

It was beautiful.

When did you go on your honeymoon?

I”m not calling it a honeymoon i havee some trips planned that I’m going on with some friends. Dubai,  Cambodia, and Laos.

Ask Demetria: "My Husband Wants to Skip the Family Reunion!"

Dear Demetria:

My husband’s younger brother is turning 30, lives in another state and is planning a night-out party. My family reunion is the same weekend and I’d like us to go. He says he is going to hang with his brother and not go to the reunion. Can you weigh in here? Am I wrong for expecting my husband to go with me? It’s our first as a married couple. —Anonymous

You’re not wrong ... but neither is your husband. You have a scheduling conflict; surely it’s not the first time and won’t be the last. Instead of focusing on who is wrong or right here, focus on how to resolve this conflict.

The obvious solution is for your husband to attend his brother’s party and the family reunion. I don’t know the distance between these two events or whether that is possible. But if he can spend a little time with his brother and with you, that’s ideal.

If the distance between the two events just doesn’t make attending both possible, then your husband should attend his brother’s birthday party.

That’s not what you wanted to hear, I know. I’m also newly married, and I like doing firsts with my husband:“Ooh! Our first married date!” “Ooh! Our first married Christmas!” “Ooh! Our first married New Year’s!” We’ve done all these things for years as a couple, mind you, but it’s all new and shiny again because now we’re married. You probably want another “first” at the family reunion.

Either that, or you want to show your husband off to the family members who weren’t at the wedding. I get it. Completely. Surely, there are relatives who had a lot to say about your being single for however long you were, and it will feel absolutely awesome in the moment to show up with your husband and smugly rub it in. I have petty moments, too. I understand.

But your reasoning—as stated in your question—isn’t worth your husband missing his brother’s 30th birthday.

Read the full story on The Root

Ask Demetria: "My Mother is Ruining My Relationship"

 

Dear Demetria:

I’m 29 and live at home. I’m trying to move this year. I spend each weekend at my boyfriend’s apartment. Recently he asked me to stay an extra night because he was sick. I told my mother, and she said ‘Come home,’ adding that if he was sick, he could call 911 if needed. My boyfriend was mad and said she is controlling (she is) and maybe I am not serious/wife potential. How do I deal with both people? —Anonymous

Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do about this situation while you’re living at home. I’m sure you have your reasons for being there, since most people would not want to live with their parents at your age. Maybe you’re in school or you returned home to save money to buy a place, or you live in a very expensive city and your budget doesn’t allow for you to rent a place of your own. Whatever the reason, you’re (back?) in the nest. And when you’re in the nest, you have to abide by the rules of the owner: your mom.

You, your man and I all agree: Your mother is controlling. She gets to be because, whether you’re paying bills or not, you live in her house and she gets to pull the “Not in this house you won’t” or “My house, my rules” cards at her leisure. And clearly she does, at will. As long as you’re in her house, you have to play by her rules. Period.

There’s only one queen per castle. You want to do what you want when you want and not have to hear your mother’s mouth about it? You need your own place so you can go about as you please, without your mother knowing, worrying or commenting. That includes going to your boyfriend’s house and staying as long as you want, or at least as long as he wants you there.

Until you’re able to move, you can try talking to your mother about loosening the reins a bit, but given that she’s still bossing you around at 29 because she can, unfortunately, I don’t see that conversation going so well. You need to move sooner rather than later.

About your boyfriend: I would have preferred he worded his sentiments about you and your mother less bluntly, but perhaps he said it the way he did to get through to you quickly. You should read between the lines of what he’s saying: “I’m beginning to rethink this relationship.”

It’s not so much living at home that’s an issue as it is you, at 29, being unable to call the shots on your own life. He asks you to stay another night, you agree, then you call your mother and suddenly you’re packing your bags and headed home. Your mother is dictating the terms of this relationship, not the two people actually in it. That’s a problem.

Read more on The Root

Sorority Sisters' April McRae Speaks About VH1's Controversial TV Show

VH1’s Sorority Sisters, the network’s latest ensemble cast of African-American women, has been embattled in controversy since a trailer for the show leaked in June. That trailer inspired a petition to keep it from airing, which was signed by thousands. Despite the backlash before the show even began, Sorority Sisters debuted in December to an audience of 1.3 million and was the No. 1 nonsports cable program in the time period among women 18-49, according to VH1.

Twitter had a collective meltdown over the show and advertisers, such as Coca-Cola, Hallmark, State Farm and the NBA, bailed left and right. New calls for boycotts have emerged. Yet, weeks later, Sorority Sisters still exists and VH1 chose to address the controversy surrounding the show on-air in an unprecedented “impromptu sit-down” with the cast on Monday night.

The Root caught up with one of the show’s most outspoken participants, April McRae, often dubbed “the sane one” or “the smart one” (she’s currently pursuing a doctorate degree) by viewers. The Atlanta born-and-bred entrepreneur and member of Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority spoke candidly with The Root about the behind-the-scenes drama, the social media backlash and the price of being (in)famous.

The Root: How did you become a part of the show?

April McRae: I received an email in 2013 looking for women who had pledged sororities and about their lives beyond their college years how they had continued to give back to the community. I replied immediately. I thought it would be a good opportunity to show my business.

TR: Did you know any of the women on the show before you began taping?

AM: No, I didn’t know any of the ladies until it was close to filming. We met on camera.

TR: When I did Blood, Sweat & Heels, it was “sold” to me as something entirely different from what it became. Was Sorority Sisters presented to you initially as something different from what it actually is?

AM: I was reluctant. I know the branding that VH1 has. But I was convinced that they were rebranding and they wanted to put out more positive shows, and this show would be the start to this new image that VH1 is going to create. This show and Atlanta Exes were going to be the start of rebranding for the African-American community, especially women.

TR: Did you expect any backlash for participating in the show?

AM: I expected a response but not a backlash, certainly nothing to this degree. Not to the point of boycotted, not to be recommended to be kicked out of my sorority. It’s all unfortunate.

TR: What has the backlash from the show been like for you personally?

AM: Nearly all of [the cast members] have received death threats. I read a message from a woman that said, “Being on the show, you committed suicide. I should help you do it” or something like that. I’ve had people come to my building. Thankfully, I live in a high-rise with security. It’s been a challenge to go on social media and see threats and comments and derogatory things about me. Some of the people that say they are [black] Greeks. Most are not. But those that are in black Greek-letter organizations should hold themselves to the same standard they hold us to. There’s a lot of hypocrisy going on.

TR: Has anyone from the leadership of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc. reached out to you?

Read more on THE ROOT

Ask Demetria: Am I A Bad Friend?

Dear Demetria:

My friend asked to spend one night at my place when she came to town for someone else’s birthday. I said yes. She said they would pick her up from the airport and bring her to my house. She asked for my address right before she left. I didn’t text her back because I didn’t think it made sense to come to my house late on a work night if the person she came to see picked her up. It was an unnecessary trip. I expected her to call once she landed so I could understand what was going on. Am I wrong? —Anonymous

Ma’am, you are completely and unequivocally wrong.

It sounds as if, although you said yes to your friend’s request to stay at your home, you didn’t really want her there. While it’s nice to accommodate friends so they don’t have to pay for a hotel, it’s better to be straight up about not wanting to put yourself out than to put your friend in a bind this way. Your girl flew into another city and landed without a place to stay because you refused to give her your address. That’s not OK.

If you said yes and then changed your mind, you were supposed to tell your friend in advance so that she could make other plans—or else just be a friend, suck it up and let her stay at the house. Work night or not, it was only one night, and a minor sacrifice to make for someone you call a friend.

It’s pretty obvious to me—and should have been to you, too—that she asked to stay with you because, while she wanted to see whoever it was for his or her birthday, she was more comfortable at your place than anyone else’s in the city. And she didn’t want to pay for a hotel.

Maybe the person she was coming to celebrate was a guy she was dating, and while she’s enjoying getting to know him, she’s not ready to know him in the biblical sense, so she asked to stay with you. Maybe the friend is a girlfriend who lives with her significant other, and crashing with them isn’t convenient. Or maybe it’s a woman who lives alone but her home doesn’t meet your friend’s cleanliness habits. Who knows? What I do know is that she asked you, her friend, for a place to crash and you said yes. You were supposed to hold up your end of the bargain.

I’m going to assume that you are upset with your friend about something and that’s why you’ve pulled this very passive-aggressive move on her. There’s no justifying how, at the final hour, you decided that the trip to your house was “unnecessary” after you’d already told a person you call a friend that it was OK to crash with you. What’s worse is, at no point did you even pick up the phone or text or say, “This isn’t going to work.” You ignored her.

The “It was late on a work night” excuse doesn’t add up, either. It was late. So? You open the door, hand her the extra key and go back to bed. It’s that simple.

Read more on The Root 

Yahoo Beauty: Beauty Dos and Don’ts for Relationships from Belle

From Yahoo Beauty: 

After writer Demetria L. Lucas published her first book, A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life, her inbox was flooded with 38,000 questions from women seeking her empowering, no holds-barred take on relationships. Lucas, who was previously the relationships editor at Essence, decided to add life coach to her resume to make sure her advice really meant something. “I wanted to empower women to know that ‘No’ is a full sentence,” says Lucas. “I wanted women ask for what they want, and to tell them it is OK to be alone if they aren’t getting what they need from a partner. I really just wanted to instill confidence in them.”

Lucas’ newest book Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love compiles 250 of the thousands of questions she has been asked, to create a relationship manifesto of sorts. I caught up with Lucas to find out what her beauty dos and don’ts are when it comes to relationships. Is it OK to tweak your partner’s appearance? When should you let a new guy see you without makeup?

Demetria’s candid, empowering advice below.

Sara Bliss: I love the title of your book ‘Don’t Waste Your Pretty.’ Explain what it means to you. 

Demetria Lucas: The word ‘pretty’ is really a shorthand of all of the special things that women bring to the table—our attention, our care, our cooking, our praying, our loving nature, our listening skills, that shoulder to lean on, and our time, especially. These are things that are very valuable in relationships. So, what I’m suggesting for women is don’t waste your time, your energy, and your resources on the wrong person. Make smarter investments in relationships.

SB: What are your beauty rules for dating? 

DL: When you start dating, I think everyone puts a lot of effort into it. You put on your pretty skirt, pretty jewels, the makeup, and you make a big to-do about everything. We get a little further into the process, and a lot of people begin to get more relaxed, which is OK. But I think it’s important to know that your mate is very visual, just like you are, and that you have to keep yourself up. You have to keep the hair, keep the makeup, keep the boobs high, and the heels on. Not every day, but just remind him what he has, and what he gets to look at.

SB: We just did a story about how half of women say they won’t let their partner see them without makeup for the first year. When do you think is a good time for a boyfriend to see the real you without makeup?

DL: I think if you’re ready to have sex with someone then you should be able for them to see you without your face on. It doesn’t make sense to try and wake up the next morning and apply the mascara and fluff the hair, and all that stuff. You have to be comfortable being yourself.

SB: What if your partner likes a certain look on you that isn’t your favorite? For example, they love you in straight hair, while you prefer curly? Do you think you should change? 

DL: When it’s something that’s really minor like putting on red lipstick, or not blowdrying your hair, or going straight— a little temporary change that you can make to appease your partner, do it every once in a while. There is nothing wrong with making your partner happy as long as it’s not demanding, like “Do this or else.” But more of a “Hey babe, I really like that red lipstick.” I think it applies in the same way [for us]—we might have a favorite cologne or shirt or haircut that we like, so we can ask our partner to do little things, too.

SB: Expand on that. What do you think about tweaking your partner’s look, like asking him to get a new haircut? 

DL: If he’s up for it you can say, “Hey babe, I think this haircut would be really flattering.” Or “Let’s get a manicure together and take care of our hands.” When you have a partner who is really resistant and says, “I like my hair how it is” or “I don’t want a manicure, I like having man hands” be careful about pushing them too far.

Photo: Demetria L. Lucas 

SB: What should you do when your partner’s looks or weight changes in a way you’re not thrilled with?

DL: Weight is an issue that comes up in relationships. People get too small or too big, but there’s a proper way to have that conversation. It’s not, “Hey I’m not attracted you anymore.” That’s definitely wrong, but if you can say to your partner, “I’m really concerned about ourhealth. I want us to be physically fit. I want us to be in great shape.” Use words like health, not attraction, not just pointing the finger. It’s a lifestyle change that you’re going to make as a couple.

SB: Do you have any beauty don’ts for relationships?

DL: Don’t let yourself go. Sometimes we get comfortable in relationships and we don’t dress up as much and just sort of get complacent. You just have to remember that people are very visual. Like when your partner first saw you across the room, no one thought, “Oh, I wonder what her brain is like.” Your partner can love you to death and sometimes be like, “Mmm, things aren’t quite like they used to be.” We all change over time, but it’s just important that we keep making the investment in ourselves to look our best.

Read more: here

Ask Demetria: "My BF Comes to My Job to Argue With Me!"

Dear Demetria:

My boyfriend of four years nags me about the same thing: my work schedule. I work long, sometimes outrageous hours, but I love my job. He can’t get past it and sometimes argues with me via phone when I work late, other times in my office (door closed). Other than this, our relationship is fine. Help. —Anonymous

Everything isn’t fine in your relationship. It’s one thing for your boyfriend to want to spend more time with you. It’s great to be wanted and desired and missed. But when he shows up at your job and argues with you, he’s crossing the line. He is displaying a fundamental lack of respect and a deep resentment for you and your job. Don’t confuse his antics at your workplace with a sign of affection and passion. Let me be clear: There is no situation in which it’s acceptable for him to come to your place of employment and argue with you.

Just so you know, your bosses, colleagues and subordinates can all hear you two arguing, in person and on the phone. You two are the good office gossip, and they think how you’re carrying on is unprofessional and messy. I don’t care how much you love your man and how long y’all have been together. You should have told security to ban him from the building after the first time he showed up.

Actually, you still should. And if he’s going to badger you and argue with you at work, then you don’t need to take his calls while you’re on the job.

I’m not sure you’re aware, but your boyfriend is also putting your job in jeopardy—and it’s intentional. If you allow him to keep this up, that job you love so much isn’t going to be around much longer.

You need to have a long chat with your man about boundaries—immediately. Tell him point blank that interrupting your work or showing up at your job is unacceptable, and he will be single if it happens again.

I know he wants you to change your work habits, but acting a fool at your job isn’t the right way to go about it. There are more effective ways to get a point across (like asking and, if the answer is no, accepting that and moving on, even if it’s to find another relationship). I imagine that his ridiculous behavior makes you resent him and want to avoid him, which makes the situation worse.

You love your job, and I’m going to assume that you love your man, since you’ve been with him for four years. But four years is a long time to be with the same person, especially when he’s pulling shenanigans like this. You need to have a long chat with yourself about this relationship and if you want it to continue.

You’re encountering a conundrum that a lot of women face, one that Nigerian writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie mentioned in her TEDxEuston talk, “We Should All Be Feminists” (which was excerpted in Beyoncé’s “Flawless”):

We say to girls, “You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful—otherwise you will threaten the man.” ... Because I am a female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important.

Your man is unquestionably threatened. If you want to keep him around, you’re going to have to accommodate his ego and make more time for him. That doesn’t mean you slack off on the job or do anything to put it further in jeopardy. It does mean you leave “on time” a few nights a week, whenever possible, and spend those evenings with your boyfriend (which includes staying off work email).

Do keep in mind that you have the option to be single and focus on your work. Contrary to the theme of the film Mahogany, success still means something even when you have no one—at the moment—to share it with.

Read more: here 

AskFM Final UPDATE: But #whoisthefather

When we left off with this story (CLICK HERE), the wife had gotten ahold of the contact information for the man who likely believed that he was the father of her husband’s child.  He was in the military, stationed overseas.

For obvious reasons, the wife wanted some sort of revenge for the BS her husband and his child’s mother put her through. And what better way to do that than make things even messier for the mother of her husband’s child. But would she go through with it?

I'm holding in my hands a manila folder. In this folder is an address. The address to where this bitch's beau is stationed. I have the tools to crush her, to make her feel the same misery I'm feeling.

Anyone in my position would feel so empowered right now. The sad truth is I'm not built that way.  I couldn't maliciously hurt another human and sleep peacefully at night. I imagine this soldier sitting in his tent or whatever housing situation the military provides. I imagine him awaiting a letter, a postcard, a photo of whom he believes to be his new son. My hub's son.

I'm quite sure he's excited. I bet he is counting down the days he has left until he's able to go home to his happy little family. I want to burst his happy little bubble. I want him to know exactly what kind of conniving, immoral whore he has given his heart to. Then I think about his pain, his hurt. He doesn't deserve this, any of it. Who am I to inflict my pain onto him?

Maybe the Almighty will sort it out. The universe has a way of righting wrongs. Maybe I will keep my mouth shut and let him ride this rollercoaster off into lala land. Ignorance is bliss isn't it? It was for me.

I can't help but think maybe I was better off not knowing. You give your heart to a person, with the notion that it will be taken care of. You allow yourself to love hard. You love fully. You love blindly. You see past faults, flaw, every little imperfection. You love so deep that you forget which way is up. You become so love sick that you go through withdrawal when he's not around. His touch, his smell, his taste becomes a drug. Belle, I'm going through withdrawal and it's the most painful, exhausting thing I've ever experienced. The only thing that is keeping me going is my job. I swear if I didn't have a plane to catch in a hour. I would check myself Into the Looneybin.

I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. That plane she had to catch? Vacay.  Those long hours she’d been putting in at the office (before she came home to cook dinner for Hubs) were because she wanted to surprise her husband with a Christmas getaway.

Obviously, he wasn’t making the trip. So she hopped a flight with her best friend instead. (I don’t know who that man is, but I send a big “thank you” into the universe for him having her back.)

She hit me when she returned.

I'm hanging in there. I just got back in the country a little while ago. Yes, visited Cuba. I've worked every major holiday this year, just so I could surprise hubs with this trip. Welp, you know how that turned out. The trip would have been a total waste, if my dear friend hadn't convinced me that he and I should go. I put on a brave face and muscled through it though. To my surprise I had a pretty ok time. I always get a kick out of watching my friend try and pick up dudes.

 I apologize if I'm rambling. I guess I'm trying to gather my thoughts and figure out how to put my feelings into complete sentences. I'm not going to take up too much of your time. But I do want to give you a brief update about my plans. I will be filing a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, first thing this morning. I'm heading to the office now. There is no need for a Trial or Legal Separation. I'm not interested in martial counseling I just want to start over. New beginning for a new year.

At this point the why's and how's doesn't even matter. I'm not going to further stress myself out trying to figure it all out. Would you believe he's blaming me for his indiscretion? He says I put my job before him. He often felt neglected. I was emotionally unavailable. That's quite laughable isn't it.  I didn't know I had to choose between a career and a husband. Why couldn't I have both? So many questions . I'm left doubting myself, dissecting my entire marriage.

I'm slowly coming to grips that this marriage is irretrievably broken. You only get one time to cheat on me or beat on me and I'm out. I also decided I will not be writing this chick's beau. It's not me who needs their soul purged. I will let her woman up and do the right thing. I would be lying if I said my spirit isn't in mourning. I guess the only thing I can do now, is take things one day at a time and hopefully things will work out in my favor.

My response:

I'm glad to hear Cuba was a blast. I've always wanted to go. You must tell me how you circumvented the US gov.

Most people would say you're doing the right thing, given the child, the physical abuse, and then him blaming this circumstance on you.

 As a reminder: this is not your fault. You know this. But it may help to hear it from an outside source. Also as a reminder, there are STILL a lot of women praying for your well-being. People ask me about you regularly and tell me they have prayed and are praying. Don't know of you believe in God, but people who do are on bended knee.

Sounds like l you have a good friend in your guy bestie and I am thankful he is there for you when you need him.

You're doing the right thing by NOT telling the other woman's boyfriend. That you're not vindictive and driven by hurt and anger gives me further indication that you have a sound mind and you will be okay in the long run. Others are rooting for you; I am too.

If all that you said about holding down your husband is true, you will be swooped up in no time by a man who honors commitment and is happy to do right by you. You're not ready now, but when you are, remember that you have options.

The following day, I received an (bizzare) email from the wife’s e-mail address:

You're friends with the owner of this laptop? Can you tell her that she left it at the coffee shop yesterday? We waited for her to come back in, she never did. Whoever she was on the phone with, Shorty was going HAM on them.  

Give her the head’s up that somebody named [redacted] is gonna be pissed about the emails we sent out. Our bad. She might need to let her know it was a joke. Hope they won't have no hard feelings.  

Good news is she can get her laptop back.  We’re gonna give it to the fool at the counter. [Your girl] might want to put a password on it to cause it's some foul shit on here. If you got her number, call her to tell her it’s gonna be at the shop. Just the lap top tho'. The Beats by Dre [headphones], I’mma keep cause I coulda been nasty and kept everythang. You can’t get much for a [redacted brand name] anyway.

 A’ite, coach! What kind of sport she play?. I bet ladies’s basketball with her [redacted identifying information].

#lgklick4life

 Ya’ll ain’t see that ending coming.

UPDATE 12/19/14 

After this post went live today, the wife... or, er, ex-wife contacted me to explain that last email in more detail. I thought it was clear that someone had got ahold of her computer and was sending out emails on it, but perhaps not.

Oh my god!!! I didn't realize you too had received emails. I am so so so sorry. My [laptop] was hacked. Personal emails were sent out including a draft I [had] written to my Ex Husband's mistress beau, [ie, the solider]. Naked pictures of me were sent to a few of my male colleagues (pictures that were meant for my Husband’s eyes only). I was almost fired behind this. My contract states my work [laptop] is for work and work only.

All of the emails are from me, EXCEPT the one you deemed bizarre. Secondly, my divorce was finalized in August. I am still single.  I am still working the crazy hours (in a weird way, it helps me cope). Lastly, I can wholeheartedly say that I am in a better headspace. The past year has been a roller coaster ride, but my God is faithful. He is seeing me through it all.

To you and your readers: thanks a million for all of your prayers and well wishes.

Fin

Ask.FM UPDATE: But #whoisthefather

Last December, I offered readers the resolution to this story, but not the details.

A woman had written in to Ask.FM to say that her husband asked her if he could be the godfather to his ex’s child. It was an ex who had caused problems in their marriage before. The wife didn’t even know they spoke to one another.

That face you just made? Same one she did. Same one I did.

I detailed my exchange with the wife HERE shortly after the story happened.

Something wasn’t right with  this story. Where was the father of this child, and how was he okay with an ex-boyfriend that this woman was all into being tied to their child? And why were the husband and a woman who had caused the problems in the marriage still in touch? And how were they still close enough that she would ask him to damn near be a member of the family?

My first guess? It’s the husband's kid.

The wife did some snooping, and lo and behold, it was her husband's baby. What made this situation doubly painful was the wife is unable to have children.

When the wife wrote to me describing how she found out, she was raw and distraught, likely how any one of us would be under the circumstances. I didn't post her full story because I wanted to give her a chance to ask me not to. Plenty of times people tell me deep, dark stories anonymously, and then come back hours or days later, asking me not to respond (or remove the queries/responses). I usually abide by their wishes.

It's been a year. ‪This is the part of the story I left out of the first post.

In case you were wondering what started this whole mess here it is. I came home early last week Wednesday. I somehow misplaced my jumpdrive. So I was backtracking trying to retrace my steps. Hubs was online looking at those playpen things. Weird, I thought, but really didn't pay it no mind. I was there for my missing jumpdrive.

He started acting weird then explaining why he's online. He goes into a whole sermon about how young Black boys need mentors and role models. That's when he slipped in the God-dad foolishness. He was really trying to sell me on the idea.

 The more he talked the stranger he sounded. Like, when did this chick come back into the picture? Our last discussion about her was [two years ago]. We had an argument about an inappropriate hug at a mutual friends baby shower. We have since switched phone companies and both have new phone numbers. How was he and this [chick] in contact now? He must have sought her out or something.

Either this man is dumb, doesn't care, or simply forgot what line of work I'm in. I called in a favor from a friend. Within an hour, I had chick's phone number & home address. After calling Hubs for the 100th time, I paid her a visit. (Dangerous, I know. Felt I had no choice)

I didn't want to go this route, but Hubs wasn't giving me the answers I needed. I roll up there & to my surprise, she lets me in. Take a wild guess who's all hugged up with the infant?? I didn't want to act foolish, so I simply say, " Well, hello love. What in the hell are you doing?”

Him: "Oh, um, I just stopped by to let her know I can't be the God-dad." Bullshit! I must have stupid written across my forehead. OMG! Belle it took everything in me not to tear this woman's house to shreds. I knew right then what I was afraid to ask. But couldn't. So, I ask, “why, why her?”

Him: "It was a mistake." I laughed out at his ass not because of his answer. I really don’t know why the hell I laughed. One thing I did know? Ain't no way I was going to let that [redacted] see me cry. You would think she would have been offended at him calling her a mistake. No, not at all

Her smug ass took the baby and sat in the seat across from him. I told him I would take off my ring and throw it at him, but I have a better idea. I'm pawning this mother-fucker. I left him right there and went home. I put the chain lock on the door.

He broke it [when he came home]. I stood in our bedroom doorway. I told him to leave now or the police will make him. Do you know he slapped the hell out of me and said I better never threaten him again? Girl, why he did that? Honey, I went ape shit on him I don’t know this guy at all

My marriage was supposed to be my place of solace, not a source of grief. I made sure I was a good wife to him. I cook, I clean, I do every freaky nasty thing in the bedroom that he requested. So why wasn't it enough? I work hard as hell! Yet, I still managed to be a wife to him

No matter how many hoops I’ve jumped through, or how many stars I’ve pulled from the sky, I somehow failed. This bitch has done what I could never do in 8 years: give my Hubs a baby. I can’t compete with that.

My response?

Hit me up.

She contacted me the following day. She wasn’t up for coaching or advice, but she did want to share her story and wanted me to listen.

I'm writing to thank you for allowing me to cry on your cyber shoulder. Believe me when I say it has been a rough 24 hours. I've never experienced pain of this magnitude and I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. No one deserves to feel the way I'm feeling right now.

I feel as if my whole marriage has been a joke. Working as a [redacted], I've witnessed the demise of a lot of marriages. I've worked with a plethora of lawyers and  private investigators, so I know to some extent the  devastating effects of a cheating spouse. Never in a million years, would I've imagine my husband would be one of those cheaters.

You hear stories and you think that will never be me. I've searched every part of my brain and honestly I'm bewildered as to how I didn't see this coming. My heart is completely shattered. My face is bruised. My self-esteem at the moment is nonexistent. I don't know where or how to start the process of moving forward. I'm hurting like a bitch.

I'm usually very successful at achieving the goals I've set for myself. Oh, boy how I've failed with this one though. I thought my marriage was bulletproof. My solace. Is it me? Was I not holding up my end of this marriage?

Maybe it was the long hours of work. Or the traveling. I thought I struck a balance, I made it a priority to see to it that my man is taken care of. I was his superwoman. Working 13 and 14 hours a day, I still managed to cook his favorite meals, call him throughout the day, sex him crazy, and iron his clothing the way he likes it. I'm lost. What was it he was lacking? What wasn't I doing that my man felt the need to stick his dick in another [redacted]?

Maybe it was just me. A man wants a whole woman, someone that can give him a namesake. Belle, it hurts to even breathe. I'm having a hard time even putting together halfway decent sentences to email you.  

My  P.I. friend tells me that this chick had a man she was living with. He's in the army. He was deployed 4 months ago. It's unclear if he knows about her and my Hubs.

Speaking of Hubs he  left me a hand written note on my windshield this morning. He wants to talk. That's rich, isn’t it? He says, "I know I've hurt you. I'm willing to do what ever it takes to rectify this not so pleasant situation." Oh, I should add he was even nice enough to say "Take as much time you need.  When you're ready to talk I will be at my mother's."

Ha! What a guy right?  As if there anything left to talk about.

I told her she could email me whenever she wanted. She followed up a few days later. She wanted me to know she'd talked to some of her PI friends again…

I'm holding in my hands a manila folder. In this folder is an address, the address to where [the mother of my husband's child's] beau is stationed.  I have the tools to crush her, to make her feel the same misery I'm feeling.

To be continued…

Ask Demetria: My GF Lied About Being Raped

If you read Ask. FM, you know that the majority of questions — 85 percent unscientifically— are from women. But the guys do show up occasionally, and when they do? Doozies. And often they have to get lawyers.

This series of questions came thru while I was vacationing with friends in Montreal in May.  I swore I was going to stay off Ask. FM and enjoy Canada, but this story was riveting, and tragic. Lying abut rape is, of course, reprehensible for many obvious reasons. But a false accusation can affect more than than accused.

Dear Demetria:

What’s Good, Belle? Me and my girl have been a follower of yours for sometime now. Never in my wildest dream would I think I would need to holler at you too. But I am.

Monday we went to a cookout. I made a run to the store for some Dutches and pineapple juice. I got back to the house and I notice my girl was no where to be found. I asked around and someone said she went to the bathroom. On my way there, a guy was coming out a bedroom. Seconds later, so was my girl!

I'm going off on her. She breaks down and says the guy was trying to rape her. I go outside to find him and I end up beating the [n-word] almost unconscious.

We hop in the car for home. I've been getting calls from friends saying that the police are looking for me. I've never been in trouble with the law. I told my girl that I'm turning myself in in the morning and I need her to help explain what really happened.

She breaks down again and ‪tells me she can't do that or she will get in trouble too. She told me she lied because she knew it looked bad her coming out of the room, and all they were doing was talking.

Belle, I fucked up and it’s bad I just may have messed up my life behind a lying no good [redacted]. I asked my day1 about dude status. He said I broke dude collar bone and 3 ribs. Belle please speak life into me cause I'm scared and don't know what I should do next. I thought I was defending and protecting my girl. Turns out she a lying cheating [redacted].

Read the whole thing.

‪No sh--. This is major and you need a lawyer before you go/ talk to the police. And I know you’re pissed, but you need to be decent enough to homegirl that she will tell the real story.

‪No one goes to a bedroom to talk at a party. You know this. I know this. But that's beside the point.

Lawyer. Now. If you're in NYC, email me. I know a great criminal defense one.

I looked on yellow page.com and found someone. He wants $2,500 up front. I'm going to borrow and take some stuff to the pawn shop. I haven't shed eye water since I was a teen. I feel so hurt and fucked up over this. Why couldn't she just be honest?

I'm on my way to the police station. The lawyer says I'm looking at a battery charge that can carry a 18 month up to a 5 years sentence. I have small children 8 and 5. I can't be away from my boys that long. My parents and my boys’ mother are willing to help me with legal fees.

Thank you for your input and being a listening ear. I thought I was doing the right thing. In your opinion was I wrong to handle it the way I did. Ain't men suppose to defend his woman's honor? Being that it will be a while before I get the chance to write I just want to again say thank you

There's what's culturally acceptable and what's legal. Culturally? Yeah. Legally? You were supposed to call the cops. A decent lawyer can get you probation if you don't have a previous record. If your ex, I assume, says she lied, you have a much better shot either way.

‪Take care if yourself, man. And keep us posted.

His last question was 7 months ago. He went to turn himself in and I never heard from him again.

Ask Demetria: 3 Years Into My Relationship, I Want to Be Celibate

Dear Demetria:

I decided to become celibate three years into a long-distance relationship. He’s so quick to want to have sex, but doesn’t want to communicate or practice being open and honest (i.e., texting other women, using Snapchat, etc.) I told him we will not be having sex until I feel that I can trust him again. Am I wrong to withhold sex? I know this will be harder for him than it is for me. He reacted better than I thought. —Anonymous

You’re never wrong for refusing to have sex with a man you don’t trust and who may be cheating on you. That’s not being selfish. It’s being smart. But it’s also not being celibate as much as it is a woman trying to make her man act right and stop creeping. If he did as you ask, sex would be back in play. That’s not celibacy. That’s withholding sex until you get your way.

I have to admit that my initial reaction to your query was, “I’m sorry, what?!” I got stuck at the part about stopping sex after three years, a unilateral move to eliminate an important aspect of your relationship. I’m a feminist who wholeheartedly believes it’s your body to do with what you want or not. I’m also a realist who understands it’s relationship homicide to change the rules of the game three years into an unofficial contract and seemingly without even a discussion.

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it is a thing—a big thing. Great sex can make a good relationship, well, great. It can keep a mediocre relationship in play just a little bit longer (but can’t save it). It’s not to be underestimated. Or to be eliminated without serious discussion with your partner. You lucked out, kind of, that your man is on board with this.

I say “kind of” because while you may have won this battle, you’re losing the war. He’s texting and Snapchatting lots of women, and the fact that you know this when you live out of town means he’s running amok. He can’t even pull it together the rare times when you’re around. Who knows (I mean other than him) what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with?

But you need to take it a step further and cut him off completely. I get what you’re tying to do here by cutting off sex: make him act right. I hate to tell you that it’s not going to work. He’s nonchalant about not having sex with you anymore because he’s getting cake by the pound at home.

Read more: here 

Ask Demetria UPDATE: "I Just Discovered I'm Dating My Sister's Ex!" (Full Story)

 

Dear Demetria:

Older sis and I are ten years apart. Since she moved out of state, we don’t talk as much. Been dating this older guy and we are moving towards commitment. Sister has moved back recently and wanted to meet BF. Come to find out, they dated a few years ago while she was away… Should I just cut ties?

Something’s up here that I can’t quite put my finger on. You and your sister don’t seem very close if you don’t talk much just because she moved.  It’s the 21^st century and we’re all connected. It’s actually hard not to stay in touch with people. There’s another reason you didn’t speak regularly.

So I’m guessing now that she’s physically closer, you both want to give this relationship another go, and what better to bond about that boys, right?  You tell her about a guy you’re seeing, and at minimum, the conversation likely included his name, how you two met, and probably a physical description of him. I’m pretty sure that your sister picked up on her ex being your up-next. I can’t think of another reason why a person who you’re really not all that close to, even if she is your sister, would want to meet your BF.

What’s curious to me is why didn’t your… I don’t know what to call him. In one sentence you say you’re moving toward commitment, then the next you call the man your BF. Those are two different things. Let’s just go old school and call him your “friend” since that covers everything.  Did you mention anything about your sister to him? Like “yeah, I have a sister. She lives in XYZ.”

I live in New York. It’s a city of 8 million people. Still, without fail, anytime I mention someone, like say, a woman named “Mary”, someone who knows someone named Mary in New York will say, “hey, I know a Mary. Does she work in finance? Graduate from Georgetown?” I can’t really see you saying  to your Friend, “Beth lives in Chicago” and his response isn’t, “really? I dated a Beth from Chicago. Where did she go to school? (Or some detail that would distinguish her from the other Beths in Chicago.)  If you ever mentioned your sister, your “friend” more than likely knew she was also his ex, and didn’t say anything. But maybe you never mentioned her.

Let’s get to the bottomline here: I‘m not a fan of immediate family dating the same person. The only way this possibly works is if A) your sister is entirely cool with it and stays that way; B) your sister didn’t get dogged by him; C) your Friend didn’t have sex with her; and D) it’s been a long time since they dated, at least 4 years. And it would help tremendously if your sister was in a relationship. Still not a fan, but this makes it easier to swallow.

I originally posted the query as a Question of the Day on social media. Readers had many questions in the comments section, and the original poster returned to clear up some confusion:

"We have different dads so we don’t have the same last name and look nothing alike, in my opinion. I asked him if he knew she was my sister, he said ‘no’, but he always thought I reminded him of his ex, but never brought it up. I really love this guy I don’t know what to do."

She added: “according to him, they never had sex. And I believe him due to sis being really big on abstinence. Plus, I was still a minor when they were dating out of state. We never talked due to a big family blowout so when I met him years later, I never even introduced her as my sister."

You obviously want this to work. I get it. What it boils down to is how does your sister feel about it? If this is going to cause a huge rift between the two of you or another “big family blowout”, then it’s not worth it. You don’t let a, as Iyalna Vanzant likes to say, “ a pe-nus between us.”

I’m… concerned that you seem to be talking out this issue with the guy extensively, but have you talked to your sister in depth as well? He says they didn’t have sex. What does she say? Ask her. How does she feel about this? How did she feel about their relationship? Ask her.

It seems you and your sister are re-building your relationship. Will your relationship with your Friend get in the way of that? Is it worth it to you—and not just now, but in the long run?

Make your final decision based on that.

"I Photograph My Man's Penis to Stop Him From Cheating"

Yeah. You read that title right.

On yesterday's episode of the Steve Harvey show, there was a segment called, "Is It Weird?" Guests with quirks 'fess up and ask Harvey, a couple experts, and of course, the audience, if what they do is normal or abnormal.

Today's guest though?

Bonkers.  (You can watch below.)

Meet Jeanne. She's white, late 30s/ early 40s, blonde (wig?) and has been in a relationship for 7 years with "he most gorgeous man I've ever seen. Women just flock to him. He has a very charming personality. He could have a lot of women if he wants to."

For the first 3 years of the relationship, Jeanne used to flip out when her man was out of the house, blowing up his phone and sitting home wondering if he was up to something. This was (obviously) causing tension between them, so together THEY came up with a plan to chill her out.

Jeanne: "I get a marker out and sign his private parts and then take a picture of it. He can go enjoy his guy time. I can enjoy my evening and not stress. and he comes home, he shows it to me. and I look at the camera and it has to match."

Ma'am?  Really?

Steve and clinical psychologist John Duffy, one of the experts that day, practically fell out.

Steve: When you say you sign it, what do you put on it?

Jeanne (straight face): My name.

Oh, and this has been going on for four years

Sigh.

This is obviously insane. And Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry, the other expert, hit the bottomline: "Why go through all of that for someone you don't trust?"

*throws church fan*

Check out the full segment below:

[video width="600 " height="300" id="35a1WaPSj0A" type="youtube"]