Monica Lewinsky: Waiting On A Redemption That Will Never Come

Blame Beyonce.

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time lately thinking about Monica Lewinsky. Okay, not inordinate — just every time I hear Partition, which is played an inordinate amount of times on the radio. But I digress.

I think of Lewinsky every time I hear that part in Partition where ‘Yonce sings of how her husband “Monica Lewinsky’d all on my gown.” I laugh and wonder something like, “Geez, can you imagine what it must be like to have your name be synonymous with performing a blow job … forever?” That is, until yesterday.

Lewinsky, a woman still best known publicly for those occasions nearly two decades ago where she, ahem, serviced then-President Bill Clinton, is back.

In the latest issue of Vanity Fair, she breaks her 17-year silence, writing, “It’s time to burn the beret and bury the blue dress,” allusions, respectively, to the hideous hat she wore in a widely circulated picture and the dress she saved after her lover, Clinton, um, sullied it.

The full article, “Shame and Survival” won’t be released until Thursday, but Vanity Fair’s excerpts promise a story that’s pretty by-the-book as far as ‘Where Are They Now?” stories go. Lewinsky’s admissions are predictable in that, surprise, surprise, she “deeply regrets” her presidential affair and considers “what happened” to be “consensual,” though she does feel “my boss took advantage of me.”

She also believes she was made a “scapegoat” in order to protect the President. Perhaps the most striking admission thus far is that Lewinsky contemplated suicide multiple times — but never attempted it — which isn’t so shocking given her worldwide ridicule but still alarming to read how her mother sat by her bed at night afraid that her daughter “would be literally humiliated to death.”

It was an unexpectedly sad read. Lewinsky made a profoundly bad decision at 23, and at 40, she still pays the price for it. She’s never held a real job, despite her master’s degree from the London School of Economics, she’s recognized daily, and after all this time, she’s still a pop culture punch line. (Lewinsky goes on record correcting Beyonce’ for that “Monica Lewinsky-ed” line in “Partition.” Apparently “Bill Clinton-d” would be more accurate.) She’s never been permitted the chance to move on from the scandal.

As I was reading, I kept wondering, “Why is she telling us this now?” especially after I got to the part about Lewinsky not being paid to be silent all this time. In the Vanity Fair excerpts, she explains her motives a few different ways.

Read more on The Grio

INTERVIEW: Media Bistro— "The writer turned reality TV star dishes on her impressive career"

I used to look for jobs on mediabistro.com in 2000 when I was  starting out. It's all kinds of awesome to be featured on the site as a success story. This interview is the unintentional blueprint for how I do what I do. (I swear it sounds more impressive when its written about than living it. Ha!) One correction: I'd never call myself a celebrity for being on reality TV. Having a camera follow your life is cool and all, but it's not a talent to be celebrated. 

Demetria Lucas spent the first half of her career as a journalist covering celebrities. Now she is one herself, and routine activities like going to the gym have become an adventure in the preservation of privacy. "Last week, this woman stopped in front of my car and mouthed 'Demetria Lucas?'" she said. "I nodded, and she just smiled and waved, then walked on across the street. I didn't think I'd be recognized, but apparently if you're invited into someone's living room every Sunday night, they know what you look like whether you've got on sweats or a dress."

She's adjusting to the reality of being a reality star, which includes run-ins with people feeling like they know you, even when you're off the clock. Before she was part of the six-woman cast of Bravo's Blood, Sweat and Heels, which chronicles the lives-in-progress of young, professional upstarts forging their careers in New York City, Lucas was far from unknown. Her blog, A Belle in Brooklyn, garnered a following of devotees and earned her critical accolades and a Black Weblog Award. Hers is the North Star of entrepreneurial journalism that many a writer wishes upon.

Adding certified life coach to her author-slash-editor-slash-columnist-slash-blogger-slash-TV personality repertoire, the once-quintessential single girl -- who's now a bride-to-be -- has formalized the wisdom she's dispensed to fans over the years in some 30,000 answered relationship questions. Here, the two-time author talks fortuitous opportunities, accidental marketing and being "the black Carrie Bradshaw."

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Name: Demetria Lucas Position: Journalist, blogger, editor, author, columnist, life coach and reality show star Resume: Interned at Vibe, then transitioned to Russell Simmons' One World and Time Out New York. Edited romance novels for Harlequin and BET Books. Blogged about dating for Honeymag.com. Launched her personal blog, A Belle in Brooklyn, and was subsequently named one of "the Blogosphere's Best" by Black Enterprise and "30 Black Bloggers You Should Know" by The Root. Former relationships editor and dating columnist for Essence. Contributed freelance articles to The New York Times, The Guardian, People and XXL as well as The Grio, XoJane, Clutch, Vibe Vixen and Uptown. Contributing editor for The Root. Author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life and Don't Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love. Founded Coached By Belle, helping clients solve dating dilemmas and build healthy relationships. Most recently starred on Bravo's Blood, Sweat and Heels. Birthdate: July 9 Hometown: Mitchellville, Md. Education: BA in English from University of Maryland College Park; master's in journalism from New York University Marital status: Engaged Media mentors: Harriette Cole and Beverly Smith Best career advice received: "It's a marathon, not a sprint." Last book read: Forget a Mentor, Find a Sponsor: The New Way to Fast-Track Your Career by Sylvia Ann Hewlett Guilty pleasure: Reality TV Twitter handle: @abelleinbk

What was your original vision for your blog, A Belle in Brooklyn? Sex and the City was still on the air, and black women who watched it took issue like, 'This is New York City. There are amazing people of all colors here, including fabulous black women with great careers. Why isn't there one on the show?' I was looking for a site, a book, something that filled that gap. I complained to one of my writer friends about it and he said, 'Well, you're a writer. Why don't you write it?' That's how A Belle in Brooklyn was born. I started doing it on MySpace and it quickly became popular. Then I went to a networking event and pitched the idea of writing about dating and relationships as a single black woman in Brooklyn to the editor of Honeymag.com. She loved it. The first piece I did for her site got around 4,000 visitors and she called me like, 'Oh my God. We've struck gold.'

I wrote for Honey for three months or so before I got a call from a friend of a friend who worked at Essence. She said there was an opening for a relationship editor there and told me I had to apply for it. I'd only written for Essence once before that, so I was like, 'Really? An editor atEssence? Am I ready? I don't know.' She was like, 'Oh, no, the whole office reads your blog. We get in in the morning and are like, did you read Belle today?' The thought of a whole office of women reading my stuff was crazy. When I turned in a bunch of clips from my blog and that landed me the job, I realized I was probably on to something. Belle was a brand before I realized it was one. I was just writing. The readers are the ones who told me, 'You have to turn this into a book. It will sell.'

You mentioned Sex and the City. How do you like being labeled "the black Carrie Bradshaw?" I have mixed feelings about it. When I was working for Essence, I had a column called 'Dating Guide.' In one of the more popular stories, I went on three blind dates -- one arranged by my editor, one by my mother and one by my best friend. The one my mom set up was in D.C., so theWashington Post covered the story, and the headline was something like 'Demetria Lucas is the Black Carrie Bradshaw.' The name just kind of stuck. I can't get away from it now, even if I wanted to. But I'm a real woman. I'm a real black woman. I don't really like the equation to be a fill-in-the-lines white TV character. The thing that I do like, though, is that for all her flaws, Carrie was loved. People really liked her. She was that sort of urban girl next door with problems that people could relate to. So in that respect, I'm honored to claim that title.

Are there a plethora of tragic Carrie Bradshaws now in the forms of Being Mary Jane's Mary Jane Paul and Scandal's Olivia Pope? Even though Sex and the City is still hugely popular years after it went off the air, I think Olivia Pope is trying to be Olivia Pope and Mary Jane is trying to be Mary Jane. One of the reasons I started my blog was it seemed when single, white women were featured going through relationships, there was more lightheartedness. There was more comedy. There was more adventure. There was more optimism. Even if they got kicked down by somebody one day, they were back up and at it in the next episode. With black women, it just seemed depressing. It seemed hard and heavy and negative. That's the case for a lot of women, but there are also a lot of us who are just trying to figure it out.

When you prepared to write your first book, what kind of author did you want to become? I knew the combination of my blog and being the relationship editor at Essence raised my profile. I was also fortunate to land a spot on Let's Talk About Pep on VH1, which was another story about four black women dating in New York. I realized I had a really big platform and I should do something with it. That's when I pitched my book. Coming from a book editor's background, I knew that you could have a great story, but if you didn't have a platform to sell it on, nobody was going to know about it. Simon & Schuster took it. After the book came out, I was all over social media and started doing my 'Cocktails with Belle' events because I wanted to meet my readers. I wasn't really looking at it as a marketing strategy.

Do you think Blood Sweat and Heels stayed true to its original vision and the real, off-camera personalities of the cast members? No. The show was pitched to me as the professional lives of African-American women in New York City. Over time, it became professional and personal. My fiancé was not originally supposed to be on the show. That was a large discussion between us and producers and also my fiancé and myself. We didn't want to be a public couple. He's not in entertainment. He has no interest in being a part of this world. He has an interest in me.

As for the cast, I do kind of cringe at some of the things that were done and said. We all -- myself included -- could've done better in the representation. What's being shown on TV is not an authentic representation of how up-and-coming professional black women behave or how my friends and I behave. I would've liked to see a stronger emphasis on work. I know that the show's not done yet and there's stuff coming up. But I think we've got a lot of unnecessary drama.

Would you do it again? I don't know.

Being a journalist is one thing, being a reality star is another. How did your writing career prepare you for the TV spotlight? I tend to write about controversial subjects. You take a hard stance on something that people are split down the middle about and argue to the death for your side. I've always gotten a lot of feedback, positive and negative. My physical appearance has been attacked. My relationship status has been attacked. Being a writer gave me thicker skin and got me used to being in debate. Not angry, not arguing, but going back and forth respectfully. I absolutely love being challenged. All of that prepared me for reality TV. I don't think I could've gone from a completely behind-the-scenes life to a very public life and been OK afterwards. The responses to being on TV can be brutal if you're not prepared.

Read more: here 

Leading the Brigade of Bitter Black Men

Many months ago I was having a conversation with a group of women about whether women could be good leaders. Yes, I know. Yes, in 2013. Anyway, I, of course, said yes, women can lead. Another woman said no, in fact, women would not make good leaders because they are too emotional (because of PMS).

Men, however, were not emotional, she reasoned. They are logical and rational and all things well thought out and planned. (Months later, she followed up that conversation to say that if she had to choose between two leaders, one man vs. one woman, that she, a woman, would choose the man because of something like men have more sense. Sigh.)

If ever that conversation comes up again—and I’m sure it will—I will use the recent antics of boxer Floyd Mayweather and former Scandal star Columbus Short to counter her poor argument. These two are the new exhibits A for men with mismanaged emotions, bad logic, and just plain poor judgment.

Last Thursday Mayweather, who should have been focused on his then-upcoming fight, decided it was a great idea to publish the alleged medical records of his former fiancee, Shantel Jackson, whom he broke up with a year ago. Mayweather posted a photo to Instagram of what he indicated were Jackson’s sonogram pictures with documents showing that she had aborted their twins. The caption read: “The real reason me and Shantel Christine Jackson broke up was because she got an abortion and I’m totally against killing babies. She killed our twin babies.”

Maybe Mayweather thought that people would think his ex was a horrible person for having had an abortion, but the general sentiment of dismay was directed squarely at him. Viewers were appalled and found his latest stunt—the most recent in several antagonistic acts toward his ex—deplorable. For many who didn’t know or didn’t care why the couple broke up, suddenly it made sense why she wouldn’t want to be with him, because who does that to their ex? And for those who may have cared enough about their relationship to follow it and thought Mayweather’s ex was in it for the money, his latest actions did more to clear her name than harm it.

Can we talk like adults here? There’s a blueprint for rich, celebrity men and the gorgeous women who date them. Part of the architecture of these arrangements is the woman gets pregnant and attempts to guarantee herself an 18-year payday. Jackson was pregnant with twins by a multimillionaire. She chose to walk away from that situation with no strings attached. Instead of speculating about Jackson’s morals, as I’m sure Mayweather anticipated, everyone was wondering how bad Mayweather is as a companion that she passed on what many would consider a “come up.” His actions revealed a lot—in a good way—about Jackson’s character.

Short, amid a post-Scandal spiral, apparently missed Mayweather’s backlash, because on Sunday he took a page from Mayweather’s How to Be a Bitter Ex handbook and allegedly released video footage of his estranged wife—the same wife who recently alleged that he attacked her in their home and threatened to kill her and himself—fighting another woman. I guess he was trying to sway public opinion to show that he was the victim in their relationship. The video shows Short’s wife overpowering another woman and calling her a “bitch.” Out of context, it looks bad. But is it?

The alleged backstory is that Short was put out of the marital home after his wife accused him of beating her. The following day, he showed up to collect his belongings with another woman in tow, a woman who entered the house.

I’m going on record as saying violence should be avoided whenever possible. However, it’s a rare person who is going to find complete fault with a wife who goes off when another woman is in her home and refuses to leave.

Read more: here

"V. Stiviano: The Frank Underwood of Gold Diggers"

Everybody’s talking about gold-diggers again because of Clippers’ owner Donald Sterling’s lady friend V. Stiviano, who everyone keeps calling his "girlfriend", but is, in fact, his mistress as Sterling has been married for 50— five-zero— years.

But I digress…

Sterling and Stiviano’s recorded phone conversations in which Sterling asked Stiviano, who is half-Black and half-Mexican, not to take pictures with Black people or “minorities” or bring them to Clippers’ games have dominated the national news since Saturday evening when TMZ broke the story. Damn near everyone thinks Stiviano leaked the audio to get back at Sterling’s wife for accusing her of, then suing her for embezzling money and/or swindling Sterling out of around 2 million in gifts/cash, which is why Stiviano is now being called a gold digger.

It’s likely she is. She appears to be in her early 30s, her paramour is 80—likely older than Stiviano’s own father-- and married. And he’s not like Harry Belafonte old where you can look at him and see there was a time where he could get it. He’s this kind of 80:

Sterling wasn’t getting no parts of the….  and not even a second glance if he wasn’t tricking on Stiviano.

And trick he did. According to the LA Times, Stiviano’s gifts (as listed in the wife’s lawsuit) “included a 2013 Range Rover, a 2012 Ferrari and TWO Bentleys… Moreover, Stiviano allegedly received $1.8 million from Mr. Sterling to buy a duplex [in her name] near the Beverly Center in December 2014 with additional $240,000 for maintenance and living expenses.”

She’s about to cake up even more. According to another report by TMZ—who seems to be getting a grand kick out of this ordeal— Stiviano is rumored to have 100 more hours of additional recorded conversations. Sterling allegedly called his (I assumer former) mistress last night to inquire “How can we make this go away?”  She referred her ex-beau to her lawyer, likely to talk about a millions of dollars check.

Ca-ching.

As a feminist, I think I’m supposed to be against gold-digging women. I’m not sure. There’s no official rule-book called, “How to Be A Good Feminist”, and the unspoken rules seem to change daily. So not knowing what the official party line is, I’ll offer my own take, which might surprise people: I’m not really against it… when it’s done right (my caveat.)

Let's be adults here. Men who have money and flaunt it like a peacock’s plumage  largely do so to attract women-- attractive women-- who like said money. In exchange for expensive purchases and hopefully a lifestyle upgrade, said woman overlooks man’s gigantic flaws, strokes his ego, serves as a trophy, and provides great pleasure. Each consenting adult knows what’s going on—even if it’s never directly stated. And both pay—sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively— to “play”.

Is it for me? No. I like being perceived and treated as an equal partner in my romantic interactions, and you can’t even pretend you are when you’re the digger (a mistake a lot of women make, bringing their situations to an abrupt halt.) Also, I have a few friends who don’t call themselves “gold diggers”, but not never would they “mess with a broke n****.” And by “broke”, they mean any guy making less than maybe a couple mil. I’ve heard plenty of stories—not mine to tell— of what they did (or do) to stay in the good graces of their sponsors/ providers. It’s not all fun and games, and there’s a lot of disrespect and turning a blind eye involved.

Take for instance, Stiviano spending four years ****ing a man who thinks Black people like half of her and one entire side of her family aren’t even good enough to be photographed with. Let’s not even get into the fact that whatever tricking he did on her, his wife—who he’s not really estranged from if she’s suing his mistress over chump change* — he did 10x over that on his wife. Baby Girl got a fly condo. I’m sure the Mrs.  has a fly mansion, and  likely some ten-thousand square foot vacation homes—note the plural—too.

Biting my tongue when people say dumb sh** or I’m not being treated right doesn’t suit my temperament. Obviously. It fits for Stiviano and some of my friends. Apparently. We have different priorities. Great.

I don’t knock the hustle. Usually.

My biggest complaint with gold digging isn't that women do it, but that so many sell themselves short for a price far less than "gold". Too many suffer through someone they're not remotely interested in and they trade old/ugly man sex and mediocre treatment for bags, shoes, maybe some rent money and vacations, all of which are known as depreciating items. (And all of which are also spending change to a man with means.)

When a guy gets bored with the arrangement and is ready to be onto the next, way too many paper-chasing women pack up their designer ish that’s worth pennies on the dollar at re-sale, and go back to where they came from to look for the next trick. If the woman’s “lucky” (in this context), she had a baby and so maybe she’s financially secure off child support, that is as long as the guy doesn’t cry broke to the courts (that means you Luda) and  he pays up (not you, Papa Knowles) and he stays flush (not you, Bow Wow). T he kid – and its reprehensible to have a child to secure your financial future--- is no guarantee.

This is not the way it’s supposed to be done. You’re supposed to leave better than how you arrived. And with more than an upgraded wardrobe. You’re supposed to be set and secure, and with enough money to make more money (the purpose of money that everyone forgets or wasn’t taught) so tricking is your one-time come-up, not your way of getting by for the foreseeable future. Got it?

If you are going to be a gold-digging girlfriend/mistress, then be the best you can be and in Yeezus name, get something real out of it like Stiviano. This chick is playing chess, not checkers. She will leave this messy situation with a lovely place to live in her name, and at least a few million dollars in her account – in addition to the quarter million already sitting there— to buy her silence.

Call her a gold digger all you want. Call her morally corrupt if it makes you feel better. But don’t call her stupid. She isn’t.  This chick is operating like Frank Underwood in this piece.

Why Columbus Short Needed To Exit 'Scandal'

Just when Scandal fans thought they'd said goodbye to their beloved show for the season, they received an unexpected opportunity to revel in the drama of their favorite primetime TV soap opera—for all the wrong reasons. On Friday night, ABC announced the departure of series regular Columbus Short. It was one of the few Scandal plot twists that viewers saw coming.

On the season three finale of Scandal, Short’s character, Harrison Wright, was shown facing the business end of a gun just after receiving a tongue lashing from the show’s father figure, Eli Pope, who acknowledged he was “young, gifted and black” and wasting his talent. The sentiment seemed to apply to the character Short played as much as it did to the man himself.

Short had been unraveling in recent weeks. He was arrested in March--his second time—after a bar fight. In early April, his wife filed a restraining order against him after he allegedly held her at knifepoint, then threatened to kill her and himself. It was his third allegation of domestic abuse. Then came a bizarre radio interview on Tom Joyner where he dropped the infamous N-bomb.

Short released a brief statement about his exit: "At this time, I must confirm my exit from a show I've called home for 3 years, with what is the most talented ensemble in television history."

On social media, fans assumed Harrison had been murdered in cold blood and responded with the hashtag “RIP Harrison.” Scandal fanatic and humor writer  Luvvie Ajayi, who become popular for live-tweeting the show each week, created a mock-program for the character’s funeral service that quickly became popular on Facebook and Instagram. Others wondered openly if ABC and show creator Shonda Rhimes had jumped the gun by releasing Short amid only allegations of domestic violence.

Domestic violence is no joke, even if it’s often treated like one. Some would say the alleged events of his personal life shouldn’t have an affect on his career but it’s also quite possible that as the co-star of a hit network show fueled by corporate dollars, he could be dismissed for bad behavior—or strong allegations of such. And let’s be real, the guy who, in just one month’s time, is accused of battering his wife and also gets into a bar fight has some issues.

Read more on The Root

Beyonce' Named Time's Most Influential, But All Anyone Talks About Is the Photo

 

Evidently it’s the “list” time of year, and so far black girls are winning. On Tuesday, People magazine debuted its 50 Most Beautiful issue, starring none other than media (and fan) darling Lupita Nyong’o on the cover. Not to be outdone, this morning, Time released its annual 100 Most Influential People issue, featuring singer Beyoncé on its cover. Nyong’o’s issue went over pretty well (at least in my circles). Beyoncé’s, though? Um ... not so much.

In her Time bio, ’Yoncé is lauded by Lean In author and Facebook honcho Sheryl Sandberg, who effusively praises the singer-actress-performer turned wife-mother-feminist. Sandberg makes a brief but solid argument that plays off Sandberg’s lean-in catchphrase: “Beyoncé doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one.”

Sandberg describes how Bey’s last album—the self-titled audiovisual gem she dropped with zero notice or promotion last December—“shattered music industry rules and sales records.” (That’s not just fan hype. Beyoncé holds the record for fastest-selling album in iTunes history and has sold more than 3 million copies.) Sandberg goes on to mention Bey’s sold-out world tour and notes the singer’s (somewhat shaky) track record of raising “her voice both on- and offstage to urge women to be independent and lead.” (Admittedly, she’s getting better.)

I’m far from being Beyoncé’s biggest fan—though I love the latest album—but it’s hard to argue that

she doesn’t have the influence to earn that Time-cover spot. I expected people to try to argue against it anyway, because, well, that’s what the Internet is there for. But nope, folks surprised me. Instead, everyone’s talking about what Beyoncé looks like on the Time cover, as if she’s over there with Nyong’o on People’s Most Beautiful cover.

I have to ask, though: Should it really matter what she looks like?

Apparently. The (sad) consensus among many social media readers is that this Time cover isn’t Bey’s best look. The complaints are many:

She’s “too skinny”—“look at her thighs!”

“She looks sick!”

“Her hair is too straight” or “too blonde!”

“She looks white!!!”

Read more: here 

RHOA Reunion: So About That Bravo Brawl...

 

Hand me a late pass. I finally watched a clip of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion episode. (Sorry, since starring on reality TV, I stopped watching it.) Yes, the one where cast member Porsha Williams hit her co-star Kenya Moore over the head and dragged her across the floor by her hair like the wife of some cartoon caveman.

It—along with Williams’ post-fight reaction—was worse than any of the preshow rumors or even anything described on social media. Black women in ball gowns brawling—again. A similar scene played out in season 1 of Bravo’s Married to Medicine—it was beyond disturbing (as was Williams’ post-fight tantrum).

Civil rights group ColorOfChange.org thought so, too. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the organization released a statement calling on Bravo’s parent company, NBC Universal, to address the “troubling pattern of violent, stereotypical portrayals of black people across Bravo’s black reality franchises.”

As someone who’s been on reality TV and subjected to its editing—and who’s also been the target of an attempted attack by a cast mate—portrayals of black women and, more personally important to me, the safety of the cast are great concerns as I consider whether to participate in another season of reality TV. (In my case, a co-star tried to break down a door to assault me and another woman. We ran to avoid fighting on TV.)

But back to that RHOA fight that everybody’s still talking about, and the vigorous debate about whether Williams was wrong or Moore had it coming. There’s really no way around it: Williams was dead wrong for putting her hands on Moore in any way. And Moore was dead wrong on that stage, too, for antagonizing Williams.

Since joining the RHOA cast in the fifth season, Moore has based her entire character around menacing her cast mates, particularly Williams. She talks a lot of crap. But hitting, dragging or otherwise laying angry hands on someone who antagonizes you is one of those things that even the most upstanding folks daydream about—or so I heard. Everyone on that reunion stage, except maybe host Andy Cohen, had fantasized about dragging Moore at some point, but no one lost control enough to do it, except Williams.

As wrong as Williams was, she is a victim, too. The reunion set was what ColorOfChange.org called a “staged hostile environment.” Moore repeatedly flicked a scepter in Williams’ face and called her a “dumb ho” on a bullhorn while she sat just a few feet away. (To be fair, Williams also throws her fair share of jabs at Moore—Moore just knows how to take deeper digs.) The bullhorn set off Williams, who admittedly behaved out of character when she confronted Moore and assaulted her.

Read more at The Root.

Ask Demetria: I Want to Skip My BFF's Wedding!

My BFF is engaged and so happy. Her fiance is a thug, cheater and liar. I don't support ratchet, so I hadn’t planned to attend the wedding. I was just going to claim work responsibilities. Now BFF wants me as bridesmaid and for me to pay for my dress. How can I tell her that I will not be attending and won't be a bridesmaid? —Anonymous

You don’t tell her that. You buy the dress and you be a bridesmaid.

I skipped my best friend’s wedding when we were 22 because I didn’t approve of her mate. Really, I didn’t approve of her getting married. Like your friend, she had asked me to be a bridesmaid.

There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with being a bridesmaid, and she was incredibly happy. But there was something going on with her, and she was, in my opinion, in no position to get married. She was coming off a particularly eye-opening experience she had as an adult, and she was still reeling. And by reeling I mean she made one bad decision after another, each progressively worse. Her marriage was her first time any of the decisions would be life-altering.

That was part of it. The other part was I’d known her since she was 12, and getting married at 22 was not the plan. She was supposed to graduate and move to New York. And then she was 22. “Who gets married at 22?!” I thought. None of our friends nor I knew the guy. She didn’t know him. They dated for only three months before they got engaged. There were a lot of reasons, I thought, for her not to get married.

I asked her if I could speak freely, and she said I could. So I said all that, and she thanked me for my opinion and said she was getting married anyway. So I started badgering her about it to the point that I even annoyed myself. Then we got into a huge argument about me badgering her, and I declared I wasn’t going to her wedding because I wasn't supporting bad decisions.

The result was she got married anyway, and for two years we didn’t speak. Her kid was born, and I didn’t meet her oldest child until his first birthday and missed out on being his godmother. We’ve long since “mended” our relationship, at least to the point that we talk, mostly on Facebook.

I still haven’t met her second kid, and one morning this year, I woke up to a 1,000-word, out-of-the-blue email telling me more than a decade later how much I had hurt her by not coming to her wedding. “If you didn’t want to support us,” she wrote, referring to herself and her now ex-husband, “then you should have come to support me.” I ruined a great friendship from my high horse. A decade later, I am still mending it. Missing her wedding was not worth it.

Read here

Nobody's Hero, But I Want to Be Heard

Many, many years ago, I was a college intern at a magazine,  pitching some wondrous idea for a themed issue. In my memory, it was brilliant, edgy and transformative. Instead of looking at me, my EIC looked at another editor with a sweet smile and said, "don't you love students?" That editor looked at me and smiled sweetly as well, then said, "I really do." I sat there thinking, "so I guess that's a no?"

I didn't get the full meaning of that exchange then, but I got the gist of it, which was "you don't get it." It wasn't done to be demeaning or patronizing, and I hope my description didn't make it sound such. (Said editor is a respected friend, who once gave me life-changing advice: "there's more to writing than being able to string sentences together and flipping a good metaphor every now and again. You actually have to say something too." One of the highlights of my life was being featured on a panel alongside her, and at my alma mater, no less.) It was almost nostalgic longing, like my editors remembered being me-then, before things got complicated, "but do we have the budget?" had to be considered before anything happened, and calls to rage against the machine in anarchy were watered- down to loud whispering and passive aggressive line stepping just far enough across the line to be noticed, but still safely close enough to the narrow bar of demarcation to still toe it and get those corporate dollars.

I mean it was a magazine and there were advertisers to consider after all. And when conservative readers wound themselves into a tizzy and threatened to cancel subscriptions over something you published, you still needed to be able to say a more eloquent (and wordy) version of  "did I do that?"  and have folks believe you didn't mean it as raw as you put it. Your intentions were good, but misunderstood (cue Nina Simone).

Such is the dance of non- struggling art and properly socialized adulthood in general. It all operates at about the sexual equivalent of "just" sticking the head in, which still counts as fucking and can fuck you over, but with a smile when it's done just right.

College students want to ball-deep stroke and do laps in that piece. They want to hurdle over carefully drawn lines like Olympic long- jumpers. Everything is a declarative statement instead of a run on sentence with ellipses at the end. College students are "discovering" the same things that those old- timers who attend the Homecoming game laced entirely in university para learned eons ago. They're making the connection between thinkers from long ago and their current life experiences and getting pissed that all these years later, the game remains the same. They're learning about how social structures and marginalization and how far they are from real access and they want to lessen the number of bites it takes to get to the center of that metaphoric Tootsie Roll pop.  They're learning most of the info they were taught in high school and then regurgitated for the sake of good grades was bullshit, and now they want to make up for wasted time by telling the world about itself on a bullhorn. There are reasons all revolutions and notable social changes start with people under 25.

I watched a video recently of a college student or recent grad (she never said so, but it's pretty clear to me), a woman, speaking passionately about everything wrong with The State of Black Folks with all the requisite mentions of Jordans, and Obama and BET thrown in to keep it three hundred. It appeared to be one of those classic last night shoot-the-shit sessions in someone's off campus apartment that was thankfully captured for The Vine. Change the current POTUS and the size of the recording device, and there's video somewhere of me doing about the same in 1998-- with a shaved head and all. The young woman’s friend punctuates her every exclamation-point ending sentence with the praise of a congregant telling the sweating Pastor without his handkerchief to "go on now!" The woman gets a lot wrong and she gets a lot right too. But I watched thinking less of the strength of her arguments and more of how everyone over 30 could benefit from bottling that passion and drinking it with the same fervor we do Gatorade the morning after a "long night."

Somewhere along the way, my passion bled out. I can't pinpoint a specific time or day I went dry. But watching that video, I saw in her (as I do in a lot of young writers, such as my fav Alex Hardy) what I used to be. And I wonder when I changed.

I started writing to well, change the game; "ain't nobody's hero but I want to be heard" was my unofficial motto. The official one was supposed to be in my high school yearbook. I wanted my goal listed as "the voice of my generation." (I think my parents made me change it. I'd tell you for sure if I could actually find my yearbook.) I wanted college students to read my work in fifty years and have the same "aha! Moment" the first time I read Ellison or Hurston or Walker or Baldwin. But I wanted them to think of my writing as a relic because things had changed so much between the time I captured so perfectly and their new world. And I wanted my words to have an impact that would be part of The Revolution (because there would be a big one, the only one, to ever exist and matter) that made their lives better.

Lofty, I know. I was a student.

And I started my career off that way. Then I crashed too many times trying to move too fast in lanes that were built to go slow (bureaucracy) or uphold the status quo (institutions). I got frustrated with pumping my brakes and trying to change a world that evidently didn't want to evolve on my timeline. Then I got distracted.  Change wasn't forthcoming, but party invites were. So I danced and I drank through the glory days of Dirty South music hitting mainstream. And though hangovers retreated much quicker then and Ernest Hemingway allegedly fueled his whole career with "pour up, drank", my passion ain't the same the morning after a "long night" and I'm no Hemingway.

And then, well then, what was left of that passion eventually landed me a high profile job at an institution, where my remaining (and rapidly depleting) fire was an asset, but only when it was tempered to the point of just sticking the head in, ie, just enough to fuck (with people), but only enough to still claim with plausible deniability it didn't really happen when it did. By the time I chucked deuces four years later, I thought I was a rebel, but like the ex -con who still wakes up every morning at 5AM, I was free, but still institutionalized.

I tell college students this not to make excuses for my lost direction, but to explain how easily you can become a weak drink-- too much juice, not enough alcohol to make it potent. I want you to know how jarring it is to watch someone else have the fire you lost that time. It's about like "Eddie Kane"* in the Five Heartbeats thinking he still has it until he sees the new pretty boy lead singer who actually does. He was mad (and high) so he asked, “how does it feel to be me?” I was sad and wistful, so I thought, “oh, college students!" And then I went to bed at 6AM after reading old emails.

Because God works in mysterious ways, my main email—the same one I’ve had since 2001—suddenly started listing messages in ascending order. So I started going through all the e-conversations I exchanged with my best friend in 2003.  I stayed up all  night, wondering, "Jesus, what happened to me? Where is that girl?" She turned into a woman, but not quite the one I wanted her to be.

It's not the first time I've stayed up  thinking about how to become my old self, or more than a shell of her, but, you know, without missing the rent or a car payment. I've had insomnia since January.

But back to the college students: the good people you encounter will nourish your passion and angst in the right direction. The bad people will try to stamp it out of you. Avoid them whenever possible.  In ten years (less if you go into finance), most of you will lose your fire and you will show up to your alma mater's Homecoming in university para. But, please, make an effort to  hold on to that passion as long as you can. Your eagerness and your aggression are (occasionally annoying) assets in the workforce and in life, even when you're wrong and right at the same damn time.  Don’t forget that. Hold on to your you.  Avoid compromising too much. And I know you want to be forreal, forreal grown, but don’t grow too fast.  You look at the people who have arrived where you want to go and want to be them now. Grown folks look at you, who haven't arrived yet, and want to be you too, but with bigger apartments and more disposable income. With effort, we all get to become who we want to be.

Fin.

'Scandal in Atlanta': How A Shower Rod Won the Internet

VH1 on Monday announced the May 5 return of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, its top-rated show, by releasing a super trailer for the new season. In the four-and-a-half minute video, cast member Mimi Faust talks about making a sex tape with her now-fiance, Nikko Smith. Later, Faust appears to be shocked when she learns that the tape (of course) leaked. "I have a daughter!" she wails to Smith.

Right on time, TMZ confirmed the long-standing rumors of the tape, saying that Vivid Entertainment—the distributor of the infamous Kim Kardashian sex tape—would release video this month. TMZ's story noted that Smith and Faust, despite her apparent concern about her child, apparently gave her "sign off" on the tape going public. By midday, a 46-second trailer of said tape, Mimi and Nikko: Scandal in Atlanta, was posted on World Star Hip Hop. At press time, the clip had received upward of 6 million views.

Here are the most confusing moments surrounding reality TV's latest scandal.

It's Mimi

Viewers of the show rooted for Faust, the long-suffering "baby mama" to a philandering man. She owned her own business and made it clear that she wasn't in the relationship for the money. In general, she was depicted as a good (and rightfully angry) woman in love with the wrong man. And she was particularly hard on his other woman, Joseline Hernandez, because she used to be a stripper.

Viewers thought that if Faust could just leave her ex alone—except for when it involved their daughter—she would be OK in the long run. Then she left him, chose an equally bad partner and made a "sex tape." Fans are shocked and disappointed because they expected more from her.

It's Not Actually a ‘Sex Tape’

When I think of amateur sex tapes, I think of unsteady cameras, bad lighting and a single-angle that misses most of the action. Scandal in Atlanta isn't that; it's a high-quality production. It doesn't have the feel of two people getting it on in their bedroom (or bathroom). It's more like two people, a couple of cameramen, a lighting guy, a sound woman and a director. It's better produced than your average porn, and given the effort involved, it was clearly made to be seen by as many people as possible, despite Faust's seeming outrage in the extended trailer.

The Shower Rod

In what is overall an extremely graphic video, one scene stands out. In the trailer, Faust is shown mounting Smith while swinging from a shower curtain rod, the breakout "star" of the production. Across social media, viewers wondered, "But wait. ... Where did she get a shower rod that sturdy?" They were all asking for a friend, of course. And even those who were disappointed in Faust respected her skills on the rod (pun not intended.)

What's the Point?

Countless relatively unknown celebs have made sex tapes as a way of propelling their careers from mediocrity to mega-stardom, but Faust is already the prominent co-star of a hit TV show in its third season on a leading cable network. She already had fame, recognition and likely money. So why did she do this?

One of the guesses floating around is that she wanted more screen time—and a juicy storyline involving a sex scandal is certainly one way to get it. High ratings and great buzz surrounding her story for season three practically guarantee her spot in a very likely season four. Maybe she'll even get her own spinoff, too. Faust also likely received a cushy advance for the sale of the tape, and if she's the businesswoman she claims to be, she'll get a cut of the profits as well. A scene from the extended trailer shows Faust and Smith meeting with an executive who advises them that they "stand to make a lot of money" from the tape.

Whatever her reasons for making the tape, I hope they were worth it to her. Fans of the show seem utterly baffled by her latest move, even while they clamor to watch the tape.

Read more: here

Being on TV: It's Essentially "You Ain't Sh**, Rarely in LessThan 500 Words"

Since The Show began, I’ve done a running weekly commentary on Facebook about my experiences being… more recognized. It’s a series of status updates unofficially called, “Demetria’s on TV and Things Are Getting Interesting.” We’ve covered the many ups and many, many downs of this new terrain that few people talk about, because if they did, I actually would have fully known what I was getting into.

Anyway, something happened yesterday to a friend that made me think this update was worth talking about.

My friend, a popular journalist and author, was called a "coon" on social media Monday. She did a FB update about it and quipped that she'd made it big. I joked something like, "Wait till you get the C-B-C combo. You're practically A-List."

Later, after I read several other comments on her thread expressing anger and outrage that she was insulted this way, I realized how f***ed up I’ve become about social media responses.

C-B-C= cunt, bitch, coon. It is not normal to be called these names (or certain others that are quite derogatory). And yet, I can't count a day since Jan. 5 when The Show debuted where I have not been called at least one of them (and a whole lot more). And each Sunday to Tuesday-- 72 hours-- after The Show aired, I (and my castmates) am bombarded with an endless tirade of all three throughout the day on Twitter, IG, my blog comments, email and occasionally FB mail.

I was warned by other female reality TV personalities and celebs that this would happen, even by the so-called "likable" ones. Everyone made the same analogies “They talked about Jesus” or reminded me that Michelle Obama has an extremely high approval rating, and she gets it too. It's part of what comes with being a woman in the pubic eye. But even the warnings don't prepare you for the waves of hate. It's like the sea rising up to wipe out NYC in one of those end of the world movies and you are the Statue of Liberty getting wiped out over and over and over… and over. It’s singlehandedly the worst part of being on TV. (Or being a blogger. It always happened, it's just a higher volume/ frequency now.)

I'm learning to deal with the volume, apparently. (It used to alternately cause insomnia and nightmares). Hence, why I am was completely desensitized to hear of someone else called a "coon", which if it's your first time, is incredibly upsetting. I was in tears the first time I was called a "hood rat" in the comments section of a friend's blog after the BSH trailer aired. (Funny, I've since transformed into a snobby/elitist/entitled, cunt/bitch/coon, but whatever).

I tell you all that to make this point. I've gotten with rare exception, used to all of this. Occasionally, I save the really good hate mail (like the one above) to whip out for cocktail and appetizer fodder with friends, like, “OMG! You will never believe this one!” I think of it as the equivalent of an ER doctor horrifying her friends with stories of what wild thing happened on the overnight shift. Everyone listening—unless they are also on TV—  is shocked, and weirdly intrigued at the depths and density of the amount of unadulterated crazy in the world.

TV (or blogger) people laugh and we play a game of one-upping each other. Someone not on TV (or blogging) always comments, “what kind of person watches a TV show, then goes online to tell the person that they hate them Like who does that?” Then someone else not on TV (or blogging) comments, “people have too much time.” And then, someone—maybe someone on TV (or who blogs) who is fed up that day or a person who just can’t believe this mess— screeches incredulously, “what is wrong with people?!”  and has to be calmed down. Some sensible soul reminds me to focus on the positive and keep my head up, which actually is now easy and actually done. Go figure.

But mostly, I (or someone) just block the person or delete the message from my mentions/responses/comments and move on with life. (And I’m sure that has something to do with why it doesn’t bother me as much.)

What fascinates me is the people who get pissed about this. Like you ranted in my comments telling me I was, [insert negative adjective] [choose either “bitch” or “cunt”] and you're surprised I didn't let that sit on my site/platform/social media? Like when it happens to you—and it must if you think it’s acceptable to talk to people that way—you don’t delete it? Really?

Some folks get so upset that they'll create a new IG, or post from a friend's account. And be totally upfront about it. Like, "you blocked me, [insert adjective] [now choose either “cunt” or “bitch”], but I'm back!!!! hahahahaha" Or they'll go from posting on one of my Instagram accounts to the other using the same screen name. Or from Twitter to Instagram repeating the same message. Or from Twitter to my blog to leave a nasty comment or write a longwinded email essentially telling me "you ain't shit, [insert “cunt” or “bitch”] in 500 words or more (never less). And they will add a line like, “now block this [choose either “bitch” or “cunt”]”.

It's like a weird sense of entitlement to not just be mean, but to allow the mean to stand for all eternity.  Like how dare you not allow me to be cruel to you and for everyone to see the depths of my hatred?  How dare you actually do something about it!!!! How dare you not respond to or acknowledge me!!!!! How dare you erase my evil thoughts!!!!! I imagine this, on a loop, is about what goes through The Brain's, well brain, or maybe The Joker’s.

Whatever it is, it’s a new part of life that I’m stuck with until I fade to black. There’s a lot of bad that comes with the good.

‪‪‪‪‪Ask.FM UPDATE: The Complete #RoughSex Saga

Sorry for the delay on this one. I promised it months ago, and wasn’t able to piece it all together. I’ve been working— a lot— if you hadn’t noticed on Instagram.  

Several of you may remember this story from Ask.FM (six months ago) as it received a LOT of responses. I’ve included all the queries, and this update has the most recent query—from last week.  

As usual, I’ve only edited the content for grammar and clarity. 

*Trigger warning!*

Six months ago, a woman wrote in to say that her she didn’t enjoy the same type of sex that her fiancé did. He was too rough for her liking and she implied that as a rape survivor, that type of sex was a trigger for her. When she objected to his approach, her man, more or less, threatened to cheat on her.

This was her message:

Hello Belle. I was raped at 17. I'm now 27 and as a result I'm a little frigid as far as sex goes. My fiance loves it rough and when I refuse, he often tells me "what one woman won't do another one will." How do I go about letting him know, “yes, I love making love with you, but the rough stuff makes me [uncomfortable]? ‬

My response:

You can't. Your fiancé's an asshole. And he doesn’t like you very much. Sorry.

At the point where a man is threatening to cheat on his fiancé  when she won’t do what he wants, he doesn’t have much respect for her. He’s just trying to control her. And knowing that she doesn’t enjoy the type of sex he wants and trying to force it on her repeatedly says even more about how little he thinks of her—and likely women in general.  When it boils down to what works for him or her, he only cares about him. That’s not the type of guy you marry.

I assumed this was a one-off question, as most of them are, as I didn’t get a follow up question asking for further explanation. I actually expected one as my response was so bottomline and didn’t offer the reasoning behind what I said. I hoped that she got the point, had some time to think, and made the best decision for her well-being and future, which in my opinion was to leave her man.

Turns out, she listened. Because a month later, I got a follow-up… from her ex- fiancé. He was worse than I thought.

Yo, ma, I got a bone to pick with you. You shouldn’t talk about people you don’t know. You don’t know me to say I don’t love my girl because I like rough sex. That ain’t right. I give her whatever she wants. What’s wrong with wanting love how I like it when I get home?

My response:

1. Your lady wrote in to ask a question because she was unhappy with the way you treat her. I did not seek her out to tell her anything.

2. You spending money does not give you the right to have sex however YOU want with you GF and especially not if it's hurting her and she does not like it. Nor does it give you the "right" to ignore her pain or emotions.

3. Threatening your fiancee that you will cheat on her if she doesn't do what you want is not like or love. It's instilling fear and beating down her self esteem. YOU told your GF "what you won't do another woman will" and that's why she showed up [on Ask.Fm/abelleinbk]

YOU created this problem for yourself. Instead of blowing up my timeline, you may want to actually talk to your GF and treat her better so she doesn't leave you. I am not your problem.

He responded right away:

I'm not insensitive. Just her being raped shouldn’t still affect our sex life after all ‘dem greens I spend for her to seek help. She still f***s like she’s in high school. I'm a man with needs. 

My reply:

You're INCREDIBLY insensitive if you think it's up to YOU to determine when she should be over a personal trauma.

Has it ever occurred to you that the rough sex she doesn't like and you threatening to cheat on her if she doesn't do what you like is delaying her progress in dealing with her assault?

You have needs, she's not meeting them. Leave and go find someone who can. Don’t bully, cajole and threaten her to get your way. Be a better boyfriend.

Readers were incensed at this exchange. Several wrote in to say so:

*BF of assault victim is INCREDIBLY insensitive & has horrible POV of women as well as assault. His comments reek of entitlement & (male) privilege. Sounds like a pretty unhealthy situation; I hope she knows not all of us are like this. Her dude should be making her feel safe, not threatened! 

*I hope the woman has left. If she didn't know what her man is like, she definitely should know now. Thank you for the service you provide Belle.‬

*How LAME of that OP who was raped to share your advice with her BF! She's gonna continue to accept the mistreatment smh.‬

Actually, she didn’t. She wrote in shortly after to say she’d left him.

The couple had gone on vacation and while she was driving to the resort, he had begun pawing at her in the car. She had enough, told him to stop and he wouldn’t for awhile despite her protests.

At the hotel, he’d begun pressuring her for sex again, and she told him that she wasn’t going to do it his way anymore (because, you know, it was hurting her.) She demanded to be treated better or else. And told him about the advice I’d given her the month prior.

He went off. Demanded to know who said it and that’s how he found my Ask.FM.

He had much more to say to me, as he felt very justified in his demands and didn’t see the problem with his behavior or outlook:

Yo, Ma, I ain't say it was my right to sex her rough. My point is she has a good man and she should want to do it. Our house is laid. I paid for it, her clothes, rings, cell phone, even the damn laptop she’s squawking with you on. I paid for all of it. But I guess it’s true that nice guys finish last.

My response:

Sir, you are not a "nice" guy if your think paying for things entitles you to ignore your GFs feelings and that it's okay to threaten that you will cheat on her if she doesn't do what you want.

It's unfortunate that you continue not to see the problem here.

His reply:

You got all the answers, Ma. Maybe you got some advice on how she could get her ass back to Orlando. You Black women cry about ain't no good Black men, but [when] you find one, you can’t even treat him right. I treat her good. Yeah, I say what I say out of frustration. But you can help her now.  

My response:

Sir, it's unfortunate that you're frustrated, but that does not make your  threats okay. She is frustrated and she left. Is that okay for you since she is frustrated? If she threatened to cheat on you to your face for any reason, would that also be okay because she is frustrated?

Well then.

She should not be in Orlando with a man who threatens to cheat on her. You seem to define “good man" by a man that spends money. There's a little more too it than that. You actually have to respect her too and not treat her like property you paid for.

I recognize that part of the reason you're writing in is because you know she reads this platform and you want her to see your messages. If you think you're doing yourself any favors by referring to all the money you spend, you are not. Expensive things are hard to enjoy when you're being treated like sh**.

Women have left with less and accomplished more. She was your lady so I'm sure she has a lot to offer. She can find someone who will buy her nice things AND will also be nice to her.

Maybe if you stop threatening her and hurting her with sex she doesn't like, she'd come back. (I wouldn't advise it given your deep-seeded sense of entitlement though).

Like I guessed, she was reading. And she was deeply embarrassed by that her ex had popped up on Ask.FM. 

Hi Belle, (it's the survivor). God, I am so embarrassed. To think one question from me has gotten so many daggers thrown at you. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut :( Please know your words haven't fallen on deaf ears .Over the last couple of weeks, I've done a lot of soul searching.

No, it's not easy, but I'm determined to keep pushing. I'm back at work (used up all my sick days. Sigh). I found a nice, affordable apartment and was able to retrieve my Mom's pictures and my car from the home thanks to my uncle. I keep telling myself, "This too shall pass" and I know it will.

Sorry to write you so late. I wanted to wait until things cool down and I gathered my thoughts before I sent this update. Oh by the way, Pop-Pop says, “thank you.” One last thing, Belle, if I never have sex again a day in my life I wouldn't miss it at all.

Hear that? It was my deep sigh of relief.

But oh, no, BF wasn’t done yet.

He wrote in again, and they were actually writing in at the same time, which neither of them knew as I didn’t publish her update:

‪For your information, I got cash, a good heart, own house and car and sex she enjoy as much as I do. And she know it. I got a hurricane tongue and a foot long. I'm a Real Woman's dream. How many 32 old man can say they got it like me, ma?”

Someone’s ego was clearly bruised.

My response:

No real woman dreams of a man who physically hurts her, ignores her feelings and tells her "what you won't do another woman will." You are not any sane woman's dream, sir.

You don't "got it" if your woman just left because you treat her bad. Look at your situation. Is it REALLY working if your lady just left? Come on, son.

A few days later, he was back (again) …

You act like I am a rapist.  I didn’t hold a gun to her head. Ok, I get a little carried away. I love her and I want to express my love. I’m sure a man has got carried away with you. I bust my ass everyday. I don’t complain because I do it for us to live good and have nice sh**.  It would be different if I was a lazy man.

Ma, I love that damn girl. I'm just trying to make it right.  I want to marry her, have some babies. She wants two kids, but she can’t get them if she’s scared of sex. Ma, just help me out. Help me make this right, please. I'm not trying to be fussing with you, I just want my woman back. Now are you going to help me?

I didn’t respond. That wasn’t a message to me. It was to his lady, who I’m guessing wasn’t answering his calls, and he knows she reads my page. My site isn’t a message board.

That and he still didn’t get what the real issue was: spending money does not mean she has to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, however she wants. She’s his woman, yes, but she’s not his property. He was still missing the point.

A couple days later he was back for yet again. His responses were classic “Stages of Grief”:

‪You know what, Ma? Don’t even worry bout it. Winter will be here soon I'm gonna hit the gym even harder and get sexier and all the O-town chicks will be sweating me. She will want me back then and I will tell her go get more advice from you. I'm good. This is how she wants to it? That's fine.  I'm not worried. I’m good.

I still didn’t respond.

Again:

Oh, one more thing, Ma, I’m blocking your page. I don’t want your bad vibes anywhere by me how about that? Okay, listen you want me to beg? I’m begging. Help me make it right. I love that damn girl, Ma. Please

I actually felt bad for the guy. But if she didn’t want to answer the phone, I wasn’t allowing him to use my page as a way to stay in contact.

I reiterated what the problem was, the one he was blatantly overlooking as I’d explained it five times—he was treating his woman like property and ignoring her feelings. I offered to speak to him via email, which he declined.

Yep, I was right. He just wanted to get the messages to his ex.

When I wouldn’t tell him—for free—how to make it right, he followed up 72 hours later with a threat to hunt me down and beat my ass.

And then a week later, he came back with this:

Ok, Ma, I'm sorry didn’t mean to go off on you like I did. I’m no bad guy. My biggest crime is I like pleasure.  What can I say? It’s the Haitian blood in me? I just want to make it right with my woman.  All I’m asking is for a few pointers…

He still didn’t get it. And I’d explained what the issue was in detail at multiple times. I hoped he figured it out someday…

Nearly three weeks later, he was back... ah-gain:

You are a mean ass lady, I know you saw me ask you for help and I even said sorry to you. It’s been 19 days and my woman ain't home because of you. You stick your nose in other folks business. What is wrong with you? You swear you give good advice. Why would you advise somebody to stay in a hot ass house that smell like a old man?

Geez Louise.

My response:

Sir... I stuck my nose nowhere. Your lady came her and asked for help. And I responded telling you how to get her back and offered my email so you could sign up for coaching. You elected not to use that help.

Please stop blaming me for the problem you caused by mistreating your woman, harming her with violent sex, ignoring her feelings and threatening to cheat on her. THAT'S ALL ON YOU.

I didn’t hear from him for 5 entire months after that. I figured this story was Black history.

But then last week, I got an unexpected message.

Finally, he had his “a-ha moment”, but it was too little too late.

Hi, Ma. I come in peace. I know you remember me . My girl wrote to you about not liking rough sex. I just want to say I'm real sorry for things I said to you. I treated my lady bad. I hurt her instead of helping her heal. I was thinking if I buy her stuff, give her money, she had to do what I want. Now she is gone.

I tried everything thing to get that lady back. I even go to therapy to help me be a better man, but it’s too late. She don’t want me and I can blame nobody but me. Men, if you got a woman, treat her right. I got to live with knowing I hurt her and pushed her away.

Fin.

The Hollywood Reporter Wonders If Lupita is Too Dark for Hollywood? (Yes, Seriously)

 

Now that Hollywood’s award season has come to a close, perhaps it was inevitable that the fawning over media darling and Academy Award winner for best supporting actress Lupita Nyong’o would come to an end as well. The Hollywood Reporter put the official nail in the cliched coffin with its latest print issue, which asks on its cover, “What Happens to Lupita Now? How to Turn an ‘Exotic’ Actress A-List.”

The question may sound odd to those of us who don’t consider Nyong’o “exotic.” She’s not some rare bird with colorful, fluffy feathers that no one’s ever seen outside the Amazon; she’s a dark-skinned black woman, who exist everywhere, even if there aren’t enough women who fit that description in Hollywood. That cover line is also eyebrow-raising because for months now, we’ve all watched Nyong’o grace red carpets, rack up awards big and small and collect magazine covers and feature stories that highlight her remarkable beauty, delightful personality and impeccable fashion. But, as the Hollywood Reporter points out, it takes more than great press (or clothes) to make a star.

“But now that the ball is over and the applause is dying down, what can Nyong’o really expect from Hollywood? While the stage would appear to be set for her to ascend to the A-list—just as Jennifer Lawrence did after her best actress win for Silver Linings Playbook last year—it’s not that simple,” the magazine points out. “There’s never been a black actress who has become the equivalent of a Julia Roberts or Angelina Jolie.”

To be fair, several Academy Award-winning actresses have been cursed by their success. A 2012 story in Entertainment Weekly notes that the Oscar curse, which happens when an actress wins and then falls into oblivion, isn’t a trap reserved for black women. That article points out that actresses Renée Zellweger (1993, Cold Mountain) and Kim Basinger (1997, L.A. Confidential) never rose to the lofty expectations after their Oscar wins.

But the Hollywood Reporter questions whether Nyong’o’s blackness and her dark complexion will further complicate her chances at reaching A-list status or even having a sustainable Hollywood career. It sounds harsh, but it’s a valid question. Despite being lauded as an “It Girl,”IMDb shows just one post-12 Years a Slave project on Nyong’o’s filmography, a minor role as a flight attendant in the Liam Neeson thriller Non-Stop.

In the article, a talent agent questions whether audiences can identify with Nyong’o because of her dark skin. “Would Beyoncé be who she is if she didn't look like she does?” Tracy Christian asked the Hollywood Reporter. "Being lighter-skinned, more people can look at her image and see themselves in her.”

Let us not pretend that when it comes to black women, Hollywood doesn’t overwhelmingly favor women with lighter complexions. However, the positive response to Nyong’o has been because of her unquestionable acting chops and because her beauty—short, textured hair and deep-hued skin—is a break from the norm. Contrary to popular belief, audiences do find beauty in a variety of complexions—yes, Hollywood, including darker complexions—and are eager to see more actresses who reflect the full scope of black beauty.

I believe Nyong’o’s biggest challenge moving forward won’t be her dark complexion but the limited roles that are afforded to black women in Hollywood.

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Hustling Backwards 101: Trying to 'Fake It Til You Make It'

Last week, designer, A-list socialite and girlfriend to Mick Jagger L’Wren Scott committed suicide, hanging herself inside a $5.6 million New York City apartment. “Within hours,” according to the New York Post, “Scott’s life was revealed to have become an elaborate facade.” Her lifestyle—at least the one she showcased on Instagram—included fancy vacations arrived at by private airplanes, plenty of leisure activities and high-end frocks, as well as a company that was $6 million in debt. The Post described her as “just one of countless New Yorkers who secretly fake their fabulous lives.”

But “fronting,” as any black person under the age of 40 would likely describe this phenomenon, isn’t limited to New York City, any more than it’s the sole domain of the upper-echelon (and mostly white) examples the New York Post writer used to back up her assertion. Every black person knows somebody—if you don’t, you might be that somebody—who moves with a “fake it till you make it” or “ride it till the wheels fall off” philosophy. It’s a pervasive mindset: According to a 2013 Prudential survey, African Americans are significantly more likely to have some type of debt (94 percent) than the general population (82 percent).

Writer Jennifer Sanchez captured this mindset in a (hilarious) article last year, “‘25 Sitting on 25 Mill’: Why Rap Culture Is Ruining Our Generation’s Perception of Money”:

Here I am: 25 and employed by a company that pays me pretty well. That’s all well and good, but where the hell is my Lamborghini?! ... This is bulls--t ...

Our generation has grown up thinking that we are young, we are talented, and we deserve boats and hoes …

We have rented limos to drive us around for nights of club hopping, planned weekend trips to Atlantic City to stay in presidential suites, and bought VIP tickets to events that were completely unnecessary. Why? Because Big Sean does it. A$AP Rocky does it. Because Tyga hasn’t had a hit since “Rack City,” and even he does it. So, why don’t we?”

Her story—and the Post’s story on Scott—reminded me of the wise words of an elder I met in Los Angeles. I was in town to promote my book and had stopped by a very fabulous—and free—party. I encountered a man whom I’d met at a prior event and who had identified himself as a veteran talent agent. After a quick round of small talk, he had an observation to share.

“You know what I call the people in here?” he asked rhetorically, looking around the room of very attractive people. “FAB,” he said, answering his own question. “Fabulous and Broke.”

He explained that fronting was more or less the L.A. way, and because he didn’t want to single out his own city, he added that he’d also lived in Washington, D.C., New York City and Atlanta over the past 20 years, and that was “the way” for a lot of people in those places, too. “The problem is, the vast majority of people don’t ever make it,” he explained. “The reality is, you make a show for people you don’t know, who don’t really care about you, and you end up bankrupt by 40.”

His story reminded me of a friend long ago who was trying to break into the New York nightlife business. He was convinced that in order to be taken seriously, he had to look like “the people” who already had what he wanted. It was a classic mistake of trying to have at the beginning what someone else had after years of hard work.

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Dear Dads: Beating Your Daughters Won't Make Them 'Good' Girls

 

Just in time for April, which is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, there’s a new clip making the viral rounds of an angry black dad wailing on his child with a belt.

In a video partially titled "Father Whoops on His 13-Year-Old Daughter Dressed Like Beyoncé After Missing for 3 Days" a scantily clad black girl is being swung around by her long hair as her father mercilessly beats her in public. The girl, who never cries or makes any noise at all, holds on to her purse and tries to protect herself. There’s a woman in the background—hopefully not the child’s mother—calling her a “bitch” and a “ho.”

Some viewers were shocked to discover that the man doing the hitting was the girl’s father. “[This] video is disturbing,” wrote one commenter. “This is a bit far. I thought it was a pimp and one of his ladies.” If I had not seen the caption before I watched the video, I would have reached the same conclusion.

Comments declaring the dad’s actions “a bit too far”—or any negative criticism—were few and far between. I’m not surprised, because whenever we’ve seen these types of “discipline” videos before—most infamously with the angry father who caught his daughters twerking and the disgruntled uncle who discovered his nephew was posing as a thug on Facebook—it seemed the majority of viewers applauded the parents for taking action and not sparing the rod. Either that or folks just laughed and went on with life.

Those same folks who applauded, though? When this girl is 16 and pregnant by the first boy who offers “love” and a sense of security/safety—and if she was missing for three days, I’d bet money she’s already found that guy—they’ll wonder how it happened. Or better yet, they’ll blame the girl for being “fast” and “irresponsible.” And no one will look at this beating incident as a display of where it all went further wrong, when that’s exactly what it is.

I watched this most recent video and had the same thought I had the first time I watched the father going H.A.M. on his twerking daughters with an extension cord: This is how black girls get lost.

In both instances, you have young girls who are dressing too sexy and acting “too grown.” Part of that comes with the age—being “womanish” is a phase some teenage girls go through—and not fully understanding the consequences of presenting themselves that way. Part of it is desperation for attention, particularly male. And part of it is low self-esteem. The shocked and angry fathers address the issue by trying to beat some sense into the girls, but they never seem to get that they’re making the situation 10 times worse. No one’s self-esteem or confidence—two real issues here—ever got higher after being beaten.

In this most recent video, it’s a 13-year-old girl who hasn’t been home in three days. Something is already very wrong at home if the kid has run away. And given her stoic reaction to being beaten, it’s not a far leap of logic to guess this isn’t the first—and probably won’t be the last—time her father’s lost control and called it discipline. If you were getting beaten like that and tossed around like a rag doll—and also being called a “bitch” and “ho”—wouldn’t you want to run away from home, too? Or better yet, when you got beaten like that, did you want to be at home?

Exactly.

Running away is an issue that a beating doesn’t address. And by beating her like he did in public, the father has practically assured she won’t be in the house very long. Wherever she was for those three days, it was probably with someone who she feels treats her better—and she likely will be back there soon enough.

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You're Invited: Cocktails with Belle— ATL

Join me and Skyy Infusions Georgia Peach vodka to toast the season finale of  Bravo's "Blood Sweat & Heels" on March 16.

See you in Atlanta!

Ask Demetria: Threatening to Leave Won’t Stop Him from Cheating

 

My husband has cheated on me a couple of times. I told him if anything happens ever again, I'm going to divorce him. My heart is broken, and I have nightmares about this chick. I don't know how to trust him. I love him and want it to work, but I don't know how this can be fixed. Do I move on? —Anonymous

Your husband has cheated two times that you are aware of. Unfortunately, he could have cheated more than that. And despite his pattern of infidelity, you’ve decided to stay in a marriage in which both of you are clearly unhappy, since he’s cheating and you’re having nightmares and don’t trust him.

Plenty of couples choose to work through infidelity in a marriage, which is their choice. But I’m curious as to what, if anything, you and your husband have done to actually work on the issues in your relationship. You’ve decided to stay and have threatened to leave if it happens again, but that’s not fixing the problem. And if you want to be happily married and have the potential of a faithful husband, then both of you are going to have to do more than just agree to stay married and issue ultimatums.

So while you very well may mean, “If I catch you a third time, I’m out!” you have to understand that from your husband’s point of view, the threat is idle. You didn’t leave the first time, and after that incident you probably threatened to go. You didn’t say what, if anything, changed in your relationship afterward, but the core issues were still there if he repeated his behavior.

And when you caught him a second time, you stayed again. The message you’re sending him is that you will make a lot of fuss, but when it boils down to it, he can cheat and you’re not going anywhere.

Even if you don’t trust your husband, you obviously love him and want this marriage to work. If you want an actual shot at continuing this union without him seeking other women, both of you will have to do some work to get this marriage back in order.

Notice the emphasis on both. Your husband is solely responsible for his cheating. That is not on you. But both of you are responsible for whatever breakdown there is in the marriage that led to his infidelity. Both of you will have to make changes. You and your husband are in this relationship together. It takes two to make a marriage work—and two to make it a mess.

Tina Campbell, from the gospel group Mary, Mary (and TV show of the same name), is going through a similar situation with a cheating husband, and I like the example—minus the attempted assault—that she is setting. In the current season of her TV show, she and her husband are dealing with the aftermath of his infidelity. In a recent interview, she owned up to her responsibility for the breakdown of her relationship with her husband, but not for his affair.

“I, Tina, assume full responsibility for the issues that I contributed to the relationship,” she told CNikky.com. “I have to work on myself.”

Read more: here 

Why All the Anger Over a Breast-Feeding Photo?

 

When breasts are propped high in Victoria’s Secret ads or the pages of King magazine, or an A-list star wears a dress cut to her navel or maybe a R-related movie shows women flashing them freely, few people seem to have a problem. Maybe some advocacy groups for teenage girls and their self-esteem, maybe some feminists. But overall, there’s rarely a peep about a set being flashed across a TV or movie screen or in a magazine ad. As a culture, we consider breasts tantalizing, alluring and sexy, and they are shown constantly in varying degrees of modesty to none at all.

But attracting attention, turning people on or serving as a backdrop to shilling products that rarely have anything to do with bras is not the primary function of boobs. A quick refresher: The biological purpose of breasts is to feed babies. That some find those same breasts alluring does not negate their primary purpose.

So why am I telling you this?

Because last week, a picture that was posted on Instagram by Ashley Nicole, a new mother and girlfriend of Miami Dolphins’ Phillip Wheeler, went viral. Nicole, a svelte model, posed for a picture with her baby latched to her nipple, breast-feeding. What was exposed of her breast was akin to what we’ve all seen in a lingerie ad. The caption read, “Was on the way out the door but then mommy duty called ...  Everything stops for him! #breastisbest #natureisbeautiful."

It was a sweet mother-child bonding moment and a nice endorsement for breast-feeding to black moms and would-be moms, especially when black mothers are underrepresented when it comes to breast-feeding. Research finds that just 54 percent of black mothers attempt breast-feeding, while the national average is 73 percent. Experts say that one of the reasons black women fall behind in breast-feeding is that women just don’t see women who look like them doing it.

“You don’t desire something you don’t see,” Micky Jones of La Leche League, an organization that encourages moms to breast-feed, told USA Today. “In the black community, you don’t see a lot of black women breast-feeding.”

Nicole, whether she intended to or not, could have been making a statement and a difference. But many found the picture “vulgar,” “attention-whoring,” “inappropriate” or “disgusting.” The backlash for the picture got so bad that Wheeler came to his girlfriend’s defense, telling TMZ, “I wish everybody would just leave it alone.”

He also noted how the reaction to his girlfriend’s picture was much different from the praise heaped on supermodel and NFL wife Gisele Bündchen when she posted a picture of herself breast-feeding her daughter as her glam squad pampered her. Wheeler didn’t understand why his girlfriend wasn’t receiving the same love.

To be fair, Mrs. Tom Brady did get her fair share of criticism. However, much of the negative feedback Bündchen received was about the lack or realism depicted in the photo—I mean, how many working mothers have a glam squad to make them more beautiful?—than the appropriateness of the image. Nicole’s criticism seems to be largely about decorum or the lack thereof.

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Ask Demetria: Um... Your Ex is Not Your Friend

Dear Demetria:

My ex and I remained friends after our breakup. He has a girlfriend now, but he’s constantly telling me he wants to be with me and the only reason he’s with her is because we’re not together. I think he told me he’s thinking about marrying her to get a reaction from me. How do I get him to see I’m fine with being friends? —S.M.

You’re not friends with your ex. A friend doesn’t “constantly” tell you that he wants to be in a relationship with you even when you’re both single, and especially not when he’s in a relationship. Friends also don’t ignore your boundaries. You’ve said “no” several times, and he continues to push up on you despite you trying to shut him down. That’s ignoring what you want and pushing his own agenda. Your ex is your ex. And he’s very shady.

But this uncomfortable situation isn’t all on him. You’re participating in this by continuing to engage him, and you need to take accountability for that. You know that he is in a relationship, you know that he is being continually disrespectful to his girlfriend—and to you—and yet you continue to speak to him. You’re saying no, but every time you’ve answered the phone or responded to a text after he’s pushed up on you, your actions are saying, “well, maybe.” He keeps approaching you about wanting to be with you because he’s going by what you do, not what you say.

Surely there are many things that you like about your ex, which is why you have continued to communicate with him under the guise of friendship. It sounds like he may still have feelings for you, and he moved on to another relationship before they were fully resolved. Let’s “keep it 100”: One of the reasons you continue to speak to him, despite your protests, is that the attention and the interest are flattering to your ego.

Who doesn’t like to hear from someone they cared for that they miss you, made a mistake and want a second chance with you? And you probably like the idea that he’s saying in so many words that he’s not all that satisfied with the woman who came after you, and he perceives you as better than she.

You’re not interested, otherwise you wouldn’t keep telling him no. But you like that he is, or you wouldn’t keep talking to him. You don’t want him, but you want him to want you. That’s all ego, and you shouldn’t let it get the best of you or continue to fuel this drama, because, really, that’s what this is.

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Lupita Nyong’o & What It Means to Be Black

When I posted a picture on my Instagram of newly minted Academy Award winner Lupita Nyong’o giving her acceptance speech at Sunday night’s awards ceremony, I didn’t know or even suspect that there was any question about whether she was black. The photo was of a beaming Nyong’o holding up her award in triumph. Her speech—especially the part where she said, “No matter where you’re from, your dreams are valid”—moved me.

I, like many, had been rooting for her to win an Oscar as soon as the credits rolled on 12 Years a Slave. To me, Nyong’o’s win—and she said as much in her speech—was a win for black girls, black women and women of all colors everywhere.

I like the actress so much, I started referring to her as “Our Lady Lupita.” And I said so in thatInstagram caption, which read, “Black Girl Magic! Get you some. Congrats to Our Lady @lupitanyongo on her Oscar win!” Innocent enough, right?

Promptly, a follower responded, “Actually, she’s Mexican.” It was said as if Nyong’o couldn’t be black and Mexican at the same time. For anyone who is confused by this, I point you toward two documentaries, The Forgotten Roots and African Blood, which show that the Diaspora extends to Mexico, too.

But back to Nyong’o. Her father was a Kenyan professor who was teaching in Mexico when she was born. She also returned to the country when she was a teenager. Calling her Mexican isn’t technically inaccurate. But it’s not the whole story. She’s also Kenyan because both her parents are and because she was raised in Kenya.

And she’s black because—and I can’t believe I have to explain this—look at her. The deep-brown complexion, the wonderfully kinky hair and the full lips all fit the phenotype of the people colloquially called “black.” For me, that makes Nyong’o unquestionably a black woman, even if she hasn’t always felt that way.

“Having come to the United States was the first time that I really had to consider myself as being black and to learn what my race meant,” Nyong’o told Vogue. “Because race is such an important part of understanding American society.”

Not everyone defines “black” the same way. For some, it’s a race that extends across nationalities—i.e., the African Diaspora. For others it’s a way to describe the unique experience of African Americans. The people who fall into the “Lupita’s not black” camp are usually thinking of culture.

Then there are those who place nationality above everything else, which make them consider her Mexican-ness or Kenya-ness only. Nyong’o claims both, saying on the red carpet, “I am Mexican and Kenyan at the same time. I have seen that they are fighting over my nationality, but I insist I am Mexican Kenyan, and I am fascinated by tacos with roasted meat.”

But perhaps there’s something else at the root of this drive to define what Nyong’o really is. It seems that whenever a black woman is recognized for her beauty in America, there’s often a clamor to make her “other” or “exotic,” as if being “just” black isn’t good enough. There always has to be something more that explains why she’s considered a “great beauty.”

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