“It’s not stalking when you’re in love.”— “Baggage” contestant

 

I swore I wasn’t going to do recaps of “Baggage”. I swore. But you know what I do for a living, and I can’t not write about this episode. So I’ve taken to DVR-ing “Baggage”. That’s how serious is.

I promise to only write about the really good ones, like this one.

Okay. Really nice Black guy—tall, four degrees-- has to pick between three non-Black women. No problem, and as the show is taped in LA, no surprise.

His options are:

*a ditzy blond who shares popsicles with her dog (small) and demonstrated this on national TV. The look on the guy’s face was priceless. You know the look every Black person gives before they say “aww, hell no!” It was that. She was also a sugar mama to two younger men (medium). The guy called that “a fetish”.

He eliminated her after that one. And he was smart to do it. She looked to be under 30 and had been married 4x (big). She was on the show looking for Husband No. 5.

So now he’s left with:

*an uber cute and petite chick who looked to be Phillipino and likes to bite during sex (small), likes to eat her peeled skin (medium) and once moved to another state to stalk her ex. Explanation: “It’s not stalking when you’re in love.” Oh, and she lives with her best friend who is her ex-boyfriend and Chipotle is the food that puts her “in the mood”.

*a brolic white chick who aims to hit skunks when she drives because she likes the smell (small). She spends $1000—yes, one thousand—a month on lottery tickets (medium). And she chews and spits tobacco. She revealed she had some in her mouth while taping and showed the audience. Last but not least, pasta is her aphrodisiac and she likes to be spanked.

The producers have to be making this up.

So QT Black guy goes with the biter-stalker. But will she take him when she learns his baggage?

He reveals he  had sex with his therapist. Explanation: he has insomnia, sought professional help and she was hot, soo...

She did not accept his baggage.

Guys, who would you have chosen?  If you were a guy (or are a lady who dates ladies), who would you have picked?

Everyone Is Asking the Wrong Questions About the Ray Rice Video

“PSA of the day ... If you spit in a man’s face, you deserve to get knocked out. Man, woman or child. Period!”

This was a friend’s Facebook status on the day the news broke that Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and his fiancee, Janay Palmer, had both been charged with simple assault after they were involved in a domestic dispute while visiting an Atlantic City casino over Valentine’s Day weekend. Rumor had it that Palmer had spit on Rice, and Rice had reacted. To what degree he reacted was anyone’s guess, at that time. Rice’s lawyer initially—and in hindsight, bafflingly—described the event as a “very minor physical altercation,” as if there were some way for a couple to lay hands on each other that wasn’t bad.

Good ole TMZ came through with footage of the aftermath to that dispute. “Very minor”? Hardly. Grainy video showed Rice dragging his unconscious fiancee from the elevator and discarding her facedown on a carpeted hallway. He seems not to want to be bothered, and even more so when he is approached by hotel security. As the woman comes to, he drags her around some more, seemingly annoyed. The first thing I wondered is, what happened to her?

Police supposedly are in possession of a video that shows Rice allegedly delivering the blow that knocked his fiancee out cold.

I’ve been following this story for days to find out what happened to Palmer and how she’s doing. No one seems to care much about her, despite us all being under the impression that her man—and father of her child—played Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out on her and then dragged her across a dirty elevator floor and into a hallway as if she were trash. I mean, the man is a professional athlete. He cared so little that he couldn’t even pick her up. The only update came from a Ravens spokesman, who said the couple “returned home together after being detained.”

Really? Is that the best place for a woman who allegedly just got knocked out by her man? A woman doesn’t just bounce back from that like nothing happened. Who is going to nurse her back to health and make sure she’s OK? Him?!

In the aftermath, all the talk in the news was about whether Rice will get to keep his job with the Ravens and how much it will cost the team to let him go. Oh, and there were some who were minimizing the issue. The Baltimore Ravens’ general manager called the allegations “concerning” and said it “doesn’t look good.” You think?

On social media, there were plenty of statements like those from my Facebook friend justifying why it’s OK for a man to hit a woman or wondering what he said to get spit on, which in turn made him punch. Everyone was talking about this couple as though they were avatars, and someone else was in control of them and they were not responsible for their own actions.

It doesn’t matter what he said. She shouldn’t have spit on him. And while it’s profoundly disrespectful, it’s not an excuse to knock your fiancee out cold and drag her across a floor. What is this an excuse for, though? For this couple to part ways.

Read more: here 

Baggage: The Greatest TV Show I Never Heard Of... Until Now

 

WE GOT BEEF, YA’LL!!!!

Why didn't anyone tell me about “Baggage” on GSN?!*

This is great TV!!!!!!!!

I vaguely remember a first season episode of “Girls” mentioning it, but I wasn’t that into that show, so I didn’t bother to look up this show. Or maybe I didn’t think it was real. That’s my bad. I’ve been missing out.

If you’ve been living in TV’s Dark Ages like me, here’s how it goes: Man/woman has a choice of three people to chose to go on a date with. Each of the people has baggage—literally, they show up on stage with roller luggage.

The figurative baggage comes in three sizes—small, medium and large. On a recent episode, a woman’s small baggage was that she never voted, medium was that she doesn’t shave her legs or use deodorant, and big was that she stood up her ex at the altar.

She was up against a woman who smokes $150 of weed PER WEEK (small)—which when I posted about this on FB, I was told it wasn’t actually a lot if you smoke good weed— and screams and kicks in her sleep (medium). Then there was the woman who ate baby food (small).

Of the selection, baby food was the first to go, but only after she admitted that she’s dated more women than men.

The non-shaving, non-voting lady was selected by the man looking for love. Admittedly she, a Black girl, was cute as all get out. And the guy was a looker. But you know it takes more than that. And he came with his own baggage.

After the man/woman makes his choice, he has to reveal his big baggage. On this episode, the guy’s baggage was that he believed a woman’s role in a relationship was to be “barefoot and pregnant.” Yes, in 2014, a man actually said that. His reasoning was that gender roles need to be strictly defined in a relationship because when the sexes start fulfilling non-traditional roles, things get all hazy.

Non-shaving, non-voter turned him down.

The episode after that was a guy, a former NFL player, whose small baggage was that he wore dentures. He was hit in practice when he wasn’t a wearing a mouth guard. Fair enough. But then he volunteered to pop out his dentures on national TV. The whole upper-left side was missing. (I couldn’t get the image out of my head for the rest of the show.) Another guy collected Happy Meal toys, but it his was his way of bonding with his 6 year old son. The last guy couldn’t dance. He demonstrated. It was worse than “Elaine” from Seinfeld. The non-dancing guy’s medium baggage was he thought humans descended from aliens. He got the boot.

They have to be making up some of these storylines. I hope they are.

On Thursday’s night episode, a former “Rock of Love” contestant was faced with three options a guy who wanted his girl to make cartoon noises during sex, another guy collected animal teeth and bones. Explanation: his grandfather’s Native American), and the last guy—Black— wears mascara. Explanation: he’s an aspiring model. He uses it to darken up his mustache and beard on photo shoots. He also had on a lime green 90s shirt and matching shoes. This was the small baggage.

The medium baggage was a guy who has phone sex with his ex (lime green guy), a guy who lives in the woods three months out of the year, and a guy who is a recovering drug addict (2.5 years sober.) His guilty pleasure was watching porn bloopers.

Lime green was eliminated after revealing his medium baggage. His  parting words were, “I gotta go. I got a phone call to make.” Ha! His big baggage was that he owned a sex toy company. Now I wonder what kind of “modeling” he did. Hmmm

The big baggage: Porn bloopers worked as a gigilo for awhile. The other guy cheated on his girlfriend with two different women in one night.

Porn bloopers got chose. Her baggage? She’s a Las Vegas stripper. He accepted her baggage.

Oh, and perhaps the best part of all of this: Jerry Springer is the host. You probably had to be a college student at the height of Springer-mania in the late 90s to know why this is so great.

Ya'll are cruel for keeping this from me.

What’s your baggage? Small, medium and large. Give it up.

*If you’re wondering why a woman under 50 is watching the Game Show Network, it’s relaxing, hilarious and keeps the mind sharp. I’m also addicted to Steve Harvey’s Family Feud and vintage episodes of “20 Thousand Dollar Pyramid” too.

"We had sex 360 days out of the year. It was more times than that."—Wife.

So here's the great -and odd and occasionally troubling- thing about being a dating and relationship coach: people you know and don't know love to pull you aside in unexpected settings and tell you their business. They think you've heard it all before so nothing should shock you OR they know you’ve heard a lot and they want to shock you.

I consider most of what they say in these conversations off-limits to write about because even if it's free advice and I'm not using names, I'm being solicited in the capacity of a coach. I draw a line at discussing private client business.

Anyway, the story I'm telling today isn't from a client, but from a cousin and his wife, so I guess it's cousins plural.

When I was a kid, I lived in Houston for a few years. A family-- who actually turned out to be blood-- sort of adopted me and my folks in their city. There was a daughter and three younger brothers. The two youngest sibs were around my age and I spent the most time with them. The two older sibs-- 8-10 years our senior--made sure we didn't kill ourselves. The daughter was my baby sitter.

So I go to Houston, which I haven't been to since I was 16-- as part of OraQuick + Essence's healthy relationships tour. I'm only in town for a day and ask my family to stop by my hotel to say "hi." We don't have much time together, so after we catch up and take a few pics, the eldest boy, my "Cousin-brother", offers to take me to the airport since he and his wife live out that way anyway. Perfect.

I'm thinking this will be a "normal" ride where people who have known me forever tease me about all the dumb ish I did as a kid. But nooooo! Cuzzo and his wife have other plans for this 45-minute trek.

It starts when we pull out of the parking lot and he says, "so who this n----a you fixxinta marry, D?" And then everything goes hilariously left from there.

Cousin-brother and his wife are in their 40s and have two children together. They've been together 22 years and married for 14. They are joyously happy in their relationship-- my assessment, not their boasting-- and they want to offer me some marriage advice. Great.

After the curveball, the conversation starts easy enough. Cousin-brother says you never stop dating your wife. They're married, but they make a point to act like boyfriend and girlfriend.

Okay. I've heard that before. I can get with that.

He says that's how couples keep the romance going. That, and having sex every day.

"I'm sorry, what?" I ask. I couldn’t have heard that right. Daily?!

He repeats himself like he doesn't think I heard him.

I flip around in the front seat-- his wife insisted I sit there-- to look at Wife. She nods and co-signs, sorta. "Well, not every day. Last year, I counted and we missed 5 days."

What?!

Me to Wife: "you had sex. 360 times. In ONE YEAR?"

"No, no, no," she clarifies. We had sex 360 days out of the year. It was more times than that."

She's looking at me like this is the most normal thing in the world. He's driving along like this conversation isn't a joke. I wait for someone to laugh. I'm clearly being "Punked."

But nope. They're forreal, forreal. This is their normal.

Cousin-brother fills the silence since I am at a loss for words. "Every night, some mornings. But at night she likes to dress up."

He says that every night, Wife fully does her hair and make-up and slips into lingerie. I turn back around for her to verify this. She nods.

"If we had time we could swing by the house and give you a bag full," he says. "We have drawers and drawers of it."

I'm not thinking about it being odd to wear another woman's undergarments even if they're clean. I look at his wife. I look at me. She's maybe a 4. I am a 10, tops.* There's no way.

She knows what I'm thinking. "I’ve lost 97 pounds. We have some in every size."

WHAT?

It took her a year and a half to take the weight off. You know how some folk lose weight and start to look bobble-heady. She looks like she's always been skinny.

I wonder if it's from all the sex. I can deal with the treadmill to work out, but I'd enjoy the sex more. Maybe there's something to this sex everyday theory...

She reads my mind. "We work out all the time."

Ohhhhh!

Cousin-brother pipes in. "All we do is work, work out, and have sex."

Obviously.

Wife says she knows this all sounds a little off. They're very open about their sex life-- they gave details I'm skipping over-- and their friends all have my "really?" reaction.

Cousin- Brother: “And I'm like "really? Ya'll don't have sex every day? It's good! Why not?"

When referring to them as a couple, their friends call them “The Humps”, which I find friggin hilarious.

I inform him that 15 percent of married couples have not had sex in six months, according to a story I read in the NY Times. And surveys say that the average married couple has sex once a week. Under 30 marrieds have it about twice a week.

He swerves. If she was wearing pearls she would clutch them. I laugh.

They know they're funny and believe their only "slightly" unusual. They think it would be fun to have a reality TV show of the "Family Hustle" and "Chrissy + Mr. Jones" variety.

"Do you think people would be interested in us?" Wife asks as we pull up to the airport.

Oh, she has no clue. They are made for TV.

I suggest they start a blog about their lives to gauge interest. I swear to her it will be an immediate hit.

Check it out: here

RHOA's Kandi & Mama Joyce Visit The View.... Nothing Gets Resolved

 

I finally watched The View segment from yesterday featuring Kandi, Mama Joyce, and Todd—note the order there. I tuned in because I find this whole conflict fascinating. Usually this story plays out with a guy whose mom thinks her son is her man. Never seen it play out -- at this level-- this way and for so long.

The segment accomplished absolutely nothing for the conflict —we need Iyanla to fix this one—  but I'm sure it brought in good ratings.

Two parts that stood out to me:

*Aunt Whoopi told Mama, “let [Kandi] make the mistake if she’s going to make the mistake… you can’t do this for her.” Mama didn’t have a chance to respond to that or it was edited it out. I would have checked the idea that my man is a" mistake". But Kandi, as expected, didn't speak up for herself or her relationship. Again.

*Mama Joyce has a man. Who knew?

Mama's latest round of complaints is Todd is lazy because as a freelance producer, he took two months off in between jobs and used his savings to support himself. She's also back to talking about her concern for Kandi's daughter because when Todd appeared on WWHL, he didn't mention Kandi's daughter when he was talking about people affected by the family drama. Host Andy asked Todd what he thought about the accusations that Mama made about him and Kandi's best friend, Carmon. Todd talked about how it affects Carmon’s son and didn’t mention Kandi’s daughter. I’m unclear on why Mama thought he should have brought up Kandi’s kiddo in this response.

If Todd was living on Kandi's money during his break, I would get why Mama was concerned, but not at the level that she is. But he had SAVINGS and that is an indication of a responsible adult who prepares for a rainy day, and makes enough money to stash some away. Mama Joyce—and many from her generation— doesn't get that one of the reasons you become a freelancer is so you can do things like not work sometimes, enjoy some life, and still be able to support yourself. Working as a producer, you move from show- to- show and HUSTLE for work. Sometimes there are gaps. This is the nature of his business.  Todd said on The View that he recently started his own production company and landed a show. That’s not a lazy man. And even if he was lazy, like Aunt Whoopi said, that's for Kandi to deal with. Not her Mom.

Let’s cut the crap.  This isn't about Todd's work ethic, just like it's not about the accusations of him cheating, just like it's not about him not having Kandi-level money, just like it’s not about concern for Kandi's child. Mama's issue is she feels threatened and insecure by Kandi having another priority in her life, one that, when/if Kandi and Todd marry, is supposed to trump Mama’s reign in Kandi’s life. Mama wanting to be forever and always number one is how we got to the mess she's been pulling.

From what's been shown on the show-- very important to note-- this all started when Kandi wouldn't let her mother move in the guest house. If it were Kandi and  daughter only, Mom would be in there chilling. Todd's also a priority in Kandi's life and among other things, Kandi considered how Mama moving in would affect Todd, so she said, “no.”  Mama is used to hearing “yes”.

Kandi has let this go on for far, far too long. She doesn't seem to get that her silence isn't respecting her mother, it's disrespecting herself and her happiness. It will be tough to unravel this issue that both women have without the help of a therapist.

What makes this situation even harder is the mom is playing up a very real issue in front of the media, and let’s be clear, for attention. I'd like to think that Mama  wouldn't have tried to fight a woman 30+ years her junior in a bridal shop or left that crazy message on Carmon’s voicemail if cameras weren't around. As someone who's subjected their life to reality TV cameras, the lines between what's real and what's done for TV can make people quite difficult to read and navigate. And maybe that's why Kandi's not stepping up like so many want her to.

I adore Kandi, but the way this is playing out in front of the camera-- important to note—it seems she's enabling her mother and participating in her own downfall with the continued silence and by not drawing a line with her Mom. Todd's already told Kandi that he isn't sticking around if this drama continues. And he said it again on The View that everyone has a breaking point. Both of Todd's statements should have been a wake-up call. *Rings Belle like Dap Dunlap*

Last thought about Kandi and her mama: what you won't do while I'm holding the purse strings is disrespect me and mines continually, and in public. Her mama got some huevos like I've never seen.

Based on what you’ve seen on TV, how would you handle this situation if you were Kandi?

Ask Demetria: Should I Give A 'Cheat Pass' for His Birthday?

“My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage. He says he wants to marry me but doesn’t want to be limited to having sex with one woman forever. He asked me if I would consider parameters for him to mess around, like on his birthday or other special occasions. He doesn’t want me to do the same. I’m not totally against it.

“The exact terms—the frequency of the ‘passes,’ the consequences for additional violations—are something he and I are trying to work out. I see this often with celebs, but I’m curious about whether you’ve seen this work for everyday couples.

“Also, I would like to clarify, I’m not that pressed to get married, just simply thinking and discussing what my potential marriage would look like. Does this work for couples ever?”—Anonymous

I’m going to applaud you and your boyfriend for discussing what your expectations are for a marriage before you move forward. I’ve always been alarmed by the number of people who don’t talk about it, make assumptions about their partner’s outlook or think that marriage is a magical “happily ever after” that requires no work. It does explain the divorce rate, though, doesn’t it?

There’s no one way to make a marriage work, and you and your boyfriend are entitled to do your marriage however you like. But as you consider the terms he’s set forth, I’d also like you to consider some things you may not have thought about while caught up in your bubble of love.

The glaring issue with what he’s proposed is that it is grossly unfair, in that it benefits only him. I’m not so much a fan of open relationships, but people have them all the time, and they say they are happy. But in all the cases I’ve heard of, it wasn’t the one-way street your man suggested. Both partners were able to enjoy the benefits of an open relationship.

The expectation that you should be committed to him all the time, while he’s committed to you on nonspecial occasions, isn’t OK. If he get the “passes” you speak of, you should have a set of your own.

But maybe you don’t want any “passes”; you just want him. That’s cool, but I don’t think you’ve really considered the full repercussions of what you’re “not totally against.”

Whatever your stance is on “passes” or “cheating,” do understand that even if you are sexually monogamous, if your partner is not, you’re still at risk for sexually transmitted infections, including HIV.

Although everyone likes to focus on the joys of sex, the act can also come with some unintended consequences. You may give your could-be husband a pass to cheat, but how will you know if he uses condoms with his side boo? Are you OK with the possibility of catching a STD, even a curable one? What if it’s herpes? What if it’s HIV? Are you going to use condoms with your husband to protect yourself from whatever he’s exposed to on his “pass” days? How often do you plan to take HIV tests to make sure you’re healthy? Will your husband take them regularly, too?

Say that one of his flings gets pregnant. Will you and your husband pay for an abortion? What if she wants to keep the child? Are you going to help him raise the kid? Are you OK with money from your home going to the new child? Will you raise your children with your husband and any children from his mistresses together as one family?

On his birthday and other special days that you’re “not totally against” him spending with other women, is it OK if he has celebratory sex with you that day and then leaves to be with his mistress? You know it’s his pass day, so you know where he is. What will you do while he’s gone with her? Will you sleep comfortably? Iron his shirts? How long until you have sex with him after he’s back from his “pass”? Immediately? A week? Just curious.

If you’ve got answers to all these questions and you’re fine with these scenarios, I still can’t recommend that you take this offer.

Read more: here 

Ask.FM UPDATE: The Complete #SuperBowl Saga

 

AskFM questions are anonymous, so I never really know if they’re real. After years of answering questions (over 30k) on Formspring and now Ask FM, the odds are that I’ve been catfished a few times. I answer, even the more intense questions, because what if the stories are real and the person really needs help and doesn’t know where else to go? Even if it’s made up, there may be someone out there who has aspects of a pseudo-situation going on in her own life and needs to hear the advice to do better.

Two weeks ago, a woman wrote in to say her man had gone to a Super Bowl party the night before and was “acting strange” when he returned home. Shortly thereafter, a neighbor pulled her aside and asked to show her something. That something was a video of the woman’s man receiving oral sex from another man. 

Twitter followers began referring to the woman as Super Bowl. For those who aren’t addicted to Ask.FM/ abelleinbk yet, this is the complete story—edited for typos and clarity—  thru last night.

Some folk have asked if this story is real. The truth is, I don't know. I actually hope it isn't. Over the course of two weeks, the story went to some really dark places. If someone made it up? They are wasting a lucrative talent that could be put to better use as a screenwriter or a novelist. 

Oh, and we’re moving to abelleinbrooklyn.com/askbelle. I’ll still answer Ask.FM questions for awhile, but I will primarily be on the new page.

‪”BF was acting strange when he came home from his homie's Super Bowl party. I asked him, “what’s up?” He said, “nothing.”  The chick upstairs from us stops me at the mailbox today and told me she wants to show me something. I followed her upstairs to her apartment. She tells me she makes it a habit to stay out of‬ people's business, but I seem like a cool chick and I should know. Why did this chick show me a video on her phone [of my boyfriend] getting brain from a dude?

“Belle, I am hurt.  I confronted him he said he was drunk and it’s just a blow job. WTF? First, why tape yourself? Second, how did it get out? Third, now I feel less of a woman, like I wasn't doing my job if my man getting brain from a dude. I told him he's an undercover p--- and to get out MY apartment. We end up fighting cause he didn’t want to leave and what makes matters worst is I just found out I’m pregnant."

First, it's not your fault. Your man also likes men. That is not a reflection on you. There's nothing you could have done that would make him not like men. That's not about you.

Second, this isn't the first time he's received oral from a guy. Maybe the first time he taped it, but you don't record your first try. He was comfortable being taped and with the person who was pleasuring him. The person who recorded it leaked it. It's could be on the Internet, maybe World Star or XVideos, if your neighbor saw it.

It's not "just" a blow job. It's sex AND it's sex with a man. He might have let it be recorded because he was drunk, but you don't get drunk and suddenly become attracted to the same sex when you're straight (or on that side of the Kinsley scale). He's also attracted to men when he's sober too. He might use liquor to "let himself off the hook" for any guilt he feels about being attracted to men.

I do not recommend that unmarried women stay or try to work it out with men who cheat on them with women and I don’t think any woman should stay with a man who cheats with men. You've kicked him out. So you seem to share that outlook.

Re: your pregnancy. You have options. You can co-parent the child with your now ex or you can choose not to keep the child. What do you want to do here? There's no right or wrong answer.

Also, you do need to be tested for HIV. Your ex has been engaging in risky behavior and you two have not been having safe sex. That's a priority.

“I wasn't sure if you would be able to get back to me so soon, but thank you. I haven't told him bout the baby yet. I was going to surprise him on V-Day. I'm not going to keep it. I have a busted window, a busted lip and a hole in my heart. I’m not trying to raise a baby with that thang. I don’t even know what to call him. A friend of mine is gay and every time he comes around  [my ex]  is so quick to put him down. Now look at [my ex] living a lie. At least my friend is honest. I’m planning on going to the clinic on my lunch break tomorrow.”

I didn't realize when you said "fight" before that meant physical.

Do what you feel is best for you, but your lunch break isn't the time to get it done. It’s not botox. You can't go back to work after. You need a day (or more) to recover. Do your research.

“I have to figure something out. I keep looking at my lip in the mirror and the hood in me wants to call my brother and have him put a foot on him. But it ain’t even worth it. Don't need my family in chains, so the safest thing right now is for me to go to bed.”

You can call the police as you've been assaulted.

A few days later, Super Bowl was back with an update. She was still in the relationship, and her focus was tracking down the man who performed oral sex on her man.

“I know you said don't be doing all that snooping, but I couldn't sleep. I went back upstairs to ask old girl bout the video. She says another chick in our complex sent it to her because the dude (my man) looked familiar. We went to the chick’s apartment. She said her BFF texted it to her. Who is her BFF?‬

The other chick showed me the original text:  "celebrating the Super Bowl with my n---a breaking him off with this fiyah head. Girl ain’t he cute?" Her BFF is the dude in the video. l asked for his number. She said no, she isn’t trying to be messy. Like you already being messy…”

You're focused on details that don't matter. Is it, or is it not, your man... on video... getting dome from another guy?

Why does it matter how [your neighbor] got the video, or who the guy is? [Your neighbor] did you a solid by giving you a heads up. I know you're upset, but it is absolutely crazy to call him. What are you going to say, "Hey, James, why were you giving my man head?"

This is a big shock. I know. But let's be reasonable here.

Is your man still in the apartment? He's been cheating on you. Have you been tested for STIs and HIV? These are the things that matter right now.

“It matters to me because he promised he would change after the last time. Now he’s doing men too. I’m good to him. What am I not doing? Even after he gave me a STD, I took him back. And yes, I got checked out today and I am fine. I don't know what I’m going to do bout the baby‬. If I get this abortion it will be the third one with him and I don't really want to do it. But look at the f---ed up situation. If I keep it, I want it to have a real family, but I cant raise a baby and try to police his ass. He say he want me but he ain’t trying to do right."

Honey, you’re in love with a man who isn't doing you right. Who hasn't done you right many times over based on what you're saying. You love him. You got to love you too.

There's a video of your man receiving oral sex from another man floating around your city. And you want to work on this relationship. Is that correct? And he's not "trying to do right", but you're still considering it? Is that accurate?

Baby girl, he didn't change after he cheated before. We're on time 2, maybe 3, that you know about. And this time, it's with another man. How many chances are you going to give?

This stops only when YOU say "enough!" how much more are you going to endure? How many more STDs? How many more abortions? How much more pain?

This isn't love. It's pain and endurance. It's not one in the same.

You deserve better than this. You may not think it, but you do. And you can have someone who will treat you better and you don't have to police him, and your neighbors won't show you video of him with anyone else, especially not another man. You may not think it, but you can. Pinky swear, promise.

It's not about what you're not doing. It's not even about you. Stop making it that way. He doesn't get the power to define your worth. Stop giving that away to him.

Re: the abortion, only you can determine what the right answer there is.

“I’ve been with him off and on since I was 15. I just turned 20. He will be 40 soon. We have history and because of that it’s hard to shake him or my love for him. He pays for my school, my rent, everything. On the taking care of me thing, he is good. It’s the  loving [that’s a problem].

"I want to make my Grandma proud and be something. All of my brothers are thugs. I want better in life and he is helping me get there.  So I try to look at this as earning my stripes. When I finish school, we will move and start fresh in another state. Loving me is hard. He told me he loves me, but because of how his wife did him, he’s scared to let himself love all the way. I want better. I want to be loved better. If I can’t make this work my only choice is to go back home to my Grandma like a failure."

Babes, it's not failing to walk away from a man who isn't treating you right, and who sexually abused you when you were a teenager. It's winning to love you enough to put you first. I understand why that's hard for you to grasp. Essentially, you've been preyed on from when you were a kid and groomed for this position.

Do you have anyone at your school you can talk to? A counselor? Most schools have them.

You're 20, you've had 2 abortions for a man old enough to be your dad, and who sexually abused you too. No 35 year old man has any business with a 15 year old child he is not raising, coaching or related to.

You've also had an STI. He cheated before, he's still cheating on you and he's not going to stop. Why would he? There are no consequences. You don't leave.

If your goal is to make granny proud, this is not the way to go about it. Not at all. Not by a long shot. And walking away from THIS doesn't make you a thug, or worthless, or degenerate or anything negative.

Love isn't earning stripes. It's not an endurance test to see how much you can put up with and for how long. That's not how it works. The old man you're messing this may have told you otherwise, but he lied to you. And him picking up the tab on school or bills or anything else isn't a pass for him to cheat the first, or second, or third time, and not with another woman or another man. He doesn't love you. He says he does. He doesn't act like it. The love is in the ACTIONS.

How his wife did him is not your problem. If he's not ready to commit, he doesn't need to be in a relationship. If he can't love you in full then you need to find someone who can.

Moving to another state doesn't change anything. He will find another woman and another man and he will do the same thing there that he does where you are now. And you will be going through the exact same thing you are now, with another STI and another abortion. The location is not the problem. His disrespect is the problem. And you not knowing you deserve better is the problem.

He is who he is. That is not going to change for you. You need to leave. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you do. And you need to talk to a professional because you've been in a bad situation a really, really long time.

You can get a better situation and a better man when you let this situation go. Nothing gets better for you as long as you stay in this.

I didn’t hear back from her for several days after that. Last night, she returned to say they’re still together and she caught him cheating again— with a woman.

“Oh, my God! I caught him today with a new chick. I went to his brother’s  house because he’s been ducking me. I went looking for him, figured he would be over there. He was with another chick. I feel like my heart is being stabbed with a fork. He doesn’t want me or my baby!" 

This is the THIRD time you've caught him cheating on you. He's not going to stop. He wants to see other people- hence why he is seeing other people-- men and women.

Feeling like your heart is being stabbed is a totally normal reaction. But so you know, it's felt that way two times already, and it will continue to feel that way until you leave.

You need to do what is best for you and your baby. And it is NOT staying in this relationship. I thought you were going home to your grandmother's house. Why are you still with him? You're already putting your sanity at risk; don't CONTINUE to put your health and life at risk by staying with a man who cheats on you constantly with men and women.

“I’m stressing him and he can’t take it. He said he doesn’t have time for a dumb girl that can't take orders right. I messed up. I should have let the video ride. I’m so dumb. I knew he was having his hours cut at work and I keep bring up petty stuff to add to his stress. How do I make this right?”

Why are you "taking orders" from your BF? This relationship started out in an entirely dysfunctional way and it's continued. You were way underage and he was a grown man ILLEGALLY taking advantage of you being young and naive. You're 20. You are a woman. You don't take orders from your boyfriend.

Let the video ride? Your boyfriend was receiving oral sex from another man. He was cheating on you. You don't let that ride. You leave. And not just because it's another man. But also because it's the THIRD time you CAUGHT HIM cheating.

You're not dumb. You're in a bad situation and you're making bad choices. HE is creating the stress by cheating on you. HE is creating the stress by dealing with a woman 20 years his junior who was ILLEGAL when he met you. This is NOT ON YOU.

You cannot bring a child into this drama. Pack your things and go home. Please.

You make it right by going home-- and staying there. It's not going to get better, only worse, if you stay.

“He didn't even try to explain and the chick laughed like it’s f---ing funny when I screamed on him. I don't know what I did to make him not love me anymore. Maybe I gained weight, but I don’t look pregnant. I am only 11 weeks. I love him. He is it for me. I have to show him and not stress him.”

H‬oney, I feel for you, I do. A lot of women reading do.

This man is making it plain as day that he does not care about you. And until you leave, it's going to get worse and worse for you. If you want a better life than this, you have to take the first step and leave.

The screaming means nothing. He's done it 3-4x that you know of and you stay. So you yelled again. He's not changing. He has shown you who he is. What you're getting now is what you're going to always deal with from him.

He is not it for you. You've been with him since you were illegal for him. You don't know any different. But I promise you, there is more to the world than him. You can have someone who will treat you nice and won't cheat on you. Or you can just be alone and just as happy not have to deal with all this never-ending drama.

You can't make him love you. You CAN NOT DO IT. Please, for you, stop trying. Exert that effort into loving you and your baby.

“He’s the only man I love. How do I show him that? I want to keep the baby. How do I make him see the baby is a good thing? I can’t do another abortion. I don't want God to punish me for keep killing babies."

Loving him is nice. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU TOO, and you have to be with someone who actually loves you.

The guy who cheats on you rampantly, and then blames you for stressing him about it is not in love with you. He doesn't care about you. He has been using you and taking advantage of you since you were 15.

Did you check in with your school to see if there's a counselor you can talk to like I asked you too?

You're in a bad place, and have been for a very long time. But this does not get better until you get out of this relationship.

You don't want to have a third abortion, don't have one. You have a right to make that choice. You and your baby go back to grandma and you figure it out from there. You do not bring a child into this havoc.

“If I call my Grandma she is going to be so upset and hit me with a bunch of “stupid girls” and “I told you so.” That’s why I left. Who wants to hear everyday “you ain’t shit and you gonna end up strung out like your mama”?” 

Granny's got her own issues and that's horrible. It's also still better than this.

The End… for now.

"You Never Held It While He Pees?" — Her

"You've never held his dick while he pees?"

O_o  << that's the look they— straight woman, gay man— are giving me. It's also the same one I'm giving them. CBW would make that face too-- I just know it-- if he were still standing here.

This whole conversation started when she asked me, "Hey, do you pee with the door open when CBW's around?"

Yeah. Took some getting used to, but it's a one bedroom apartment and though we don't live together, he's often by me. He's gotta shave his head or shower or shave his face and there's no sense interrupting his activity for number 1. And if we're mid-convo and I have to go, I just go in the bathroom and carry on the conversation.

This is normal enough, I guess. An Esquire poll of men and women found 51% of respondents are fine with a partner urinating with the door open. The other 49 % are more or less horrified by the idea.

"I will add this," I say. That's when I disclose that I don't care if he keeps the door open when he pees. I just don't want to see the stream. "It's like a waterfall of urine," I explain.

They both go silent.

Her: hold up, you've never held a dick?

Me: I'm 34.

Her: no, I mean while he pees.

Me: O_o

He insists that men love this. "It's very sexy," he says.

She says she likes the idea of feeling like she has a penis. Her holding it while he pees makes her feel powerful. "It soothes my penis envy," she says with a laugh.

I'm practical. I ask her if it's hard to aim it for the bowl. Then think, why wouldn't it be? The bowl is pretty big. I've fallen in a couple of times in the middle of the night when someone didn't put the seat down.

He laughs. She admits it's not as easy as it looks. "You'd think it would be. The trick is to aim it like you're aiming for the floor."

He adds, again, "hmmm. It's very sexy." I don't know if he's remembering when it was done to him or when he did it to someone else."

Him: "you must try it."

I'm not gung-ho about the sexiness of it, but I think learning how to aim might be an amusing, albeit useless skill. Later that night, I recount this whole conversation to CBW, then ask if he wants to try this at "home" aka my place.

Him: O_o

He says he can handle his own bodily functions, thankyouverymuch. He's a Master of Aim as any grown ass man should be.

CBW: when did y'all talk about this? I was there the whole time ya'll were together.

Me: while you were in the bathroom.

Fin.

Gone Too Soon: Jordan Davis at 19

 

Jordan Davis would have been celebrating his 19th birthday today.

Instead, at 17, he was gunned down after a random white guy at a Florida gas station flipped his privileged lid when Davis and his friends refused to turn down their loud music.  Dunn claims Davis brandished a shotgun, so Dunn grabbed his pistol and fired 10 rounds into the car, killing Davis.

Police never found a shotgun, or any other weapon, in the boys’ car.

On Saturday night, Michael Dunn was found guilty of three counts of second-degree attempted murder, but not of first-degree premeditated murder, in the killing of Davis. Dunn faces more than 60 years in prison.

RIP Jordan Davis.

At 19 years old, I was a junior in college, studying for the GREs and begging my parents to either let me move off campus with my friends or study abroad in London. They said "no" to the move. "Yes" to London (which I wasn't expecting) so I was contemplating if that's what I actually wanted to do. All I really wanted was to get out of the dorms.

I'd decided I wanted to be "a writer" because at 19 I thought I could speak things into existence and that's all it really took. Poof! As a second semester junior, I took my first journalism class.

Everyone older kept telling me "these are the best days of your life" and I couldn't wait to graduate and get my life started. "Start" meant moving to NYC and attending NYU. I wanted to be grown. I had no idea how to make my dreams happen in the "real world" that loomed ahead.

I went to the club (a lot) on Thursday and Sunday nights (aka college night) and walked to the car sweaty-- and piled in with 5 other women-- because I was trying to keep up with the B-more girls dancing to house music. I had the moves, not the stamina. Then maybe I'd go home and write a 5 page essay with minimal typos.

I studied hard, I ki-ki'd with my roommates until the wee hours of the morning, nearly every night. I argued with my parents. I played my music loud, I drove my car too fast. I couldn't hold my liquor, which I was too young (and illegal) to be drinking anyway.

I didn't know it, but I was laying the foundation for everything I would accomplish professionally.

In my downtime, I daydreamed a lot-- about the next boy, the next party, the next exam/paper, the next Spring Break.... because I took it for granted there would always be a ... "next." The world was laid out as a canvas before me, I just had to figure out what I wanted to add to it.

Jordan Davis deserved to have afternoons of day dreams, nights of parties, an opportunity to leave his mark and a lifetime of "nexts" too.

It feels horrible to see RIP before a 19 year old's name. Geez. What did you do at 19?

V- Day: Where's the Love?

Somehow a day that's supposed to be about celebrating love tends to bring out the worst in so many on social media.

There are the great men who are stressed out trying to show and prove as if ONE day determines everything.

There are women who act like one day and an expensive gift determine everything. (If he wasn't ish before V-Day and isn't after, it doesn't count. So you know.)

There are the guys who duck women they've led to believed they cared about. And women with a lot of wake-up-call hurt feelings.

There are women who feel like crap because they're single. And stay posting updates that showcase misery.

There are the people who taunt those women-- never guys-- for being single, and make all sorts of uneducated guesses as to why they aren't lovable. (I guess this makes them feel better. Newsflash: your bitterness is showing too, boo.)

There are the folks who care more about bragging about a gift than the actual gift and/ or the person who gave it to them.

Oh, and the people who don't appreciate their gifts— and have the audacity to say so publicly.

I'll stop here.

Surely, there are lots of folks who are just drunk/crazy in love and want to share their blessings. You can usually tell the difference. I appreciate those posts. They make me smile.

I hope, against the odds, I know, that folks can be a little more loving this year. It would be nice to see.

That is all.